Quotes

Dialogue

Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at? Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations. Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader? Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings. Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch. Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.

Dialogue

Taylor: Mommy what was that? Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner. Taylor: It was kinda big. Grandma: It sure was.

Dialogue

Julie: He said that he loved me. Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Dialogue

College Student #1: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle! Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up! College Student #2: What is he yelling? Kevin, Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE! Gil: [through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could. Gil: Nice shot son! Gil: [police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "

Dialogue

Kevin, Age 21: All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad! Gil: Thank you, son!

Dialogue

Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television] Grandma: What channel is this? Helen: No Gran, this is a tape. Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now! Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this! Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

Dialogue

Susan: Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes. Nathan: Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that? Patty: 120. Nathan: What is it? Flashcard #1: This is the only way Flashcard #2: To reach you, so Flashcard #3: I am leaving you

Dialogue

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Gil: Oh? Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! Gil: What a great story. Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Dialogue

Stripper: So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts. Karen: What in the world? Gil: We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan. Stripper: Is that so, let me call my boss. Stripper: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there. Karen: Then have him come here. Stripper: There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital. Kevin: Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me! Gil: Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.

Dialogue

Gil: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good? Taylor: Yeah. Gil: You feel like you want to throw up? Taylor: Okay. Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you :standing there? Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.