Quotes

Flushed [1.1]

Jeff: So, you're really going to do it? Steve: Oh, yeah. This time. Jeff: Do you think she knows you're going to dump her? Steve: She ought to know by now. I've dumped her the last four times I've seen her. Jeff: So what goes wrong? Steve: We have sex. Jeff: You have sex? Steve: She makes me. Jeff: How? Steve: She suggests it. Jeff: She suggests it? Steve: Exactly. Jeff: Evil. Steve: The last time I dumped her, we had amazing, fantastic, borderline-illegal sex. Now she thinks we're back on. Jeff: Well, that's ridiculous. Steve: I know, one swallow does not make her my girlfriend. Jeff: So, you dump her, then she does this suggesting thing? Steve: Yeah, I'll just be about to leave, I'll be thinking that I am finally out, she just leans over and looks me in the eyes, and goes; I am wearing stockings. Jeff: No! Steve: She's never worn them before! Not once in the entire relationship! I begged. Jeff: But Steve, you're entitled to her stockings! Steve: Am I?! Jeff: Yes, you're still in the

Flushed [1.1]

Sally: Did he say what he wanted? Susan: Not a word. Sally: Maybe he's going to propose. You said you had a fantastic time last weekend. Maybe he's thinking, you know... Susan: One swallow doesn't make a summer. Sally: Maybe you should marry him. Susan: It's not like that. It's very casual. It's really just sex with a fringe of conversation. Sally: But what if he's your last ever man? What if you've used up your go's? Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since (age) 30, I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity. Susan: Is this how your mind works all the time? Sally: The only reason I work is so I stop worrying about my hair. Susan: And this from my beautician. Which reminds me; facial, Wednesday morning. Just don't count every time you find a wrinkle. Sally: Do I do that out loud? Susan: You've got a running total in my file. Sally, did it ever occur to you that age brings

Flushed [1.1]

Jane: And, my sister said; no, so then I said yes, then she said; no, again, so I just said; yes. But then she said; no. So I said yes, yes, yes. Steve: How does this story end exactly? Jane: She said; I had an answer for everything. Steve: Right. Jane: And I just said; yes! Steve: Jane! Ok, listen to me ok? I know I've tried to say this before, and I know I never seem to get anywhere, but this time Jane, I'm going to put it very, very simply. It's over between us. Jane: You want us to split up? Steve: Yes! Oh yes, I do! Jane: I don't accept. Steve: What?! Jane: I don't accept it. Steve: No, no, you can't not accept it. I'm breaking up with you. Jane: Don't I get a say in it? Steve: Of course, you don't. Jane: If I don't get a say, then I don't accept it. Anyway, then my sister just looked at me. And she said; no, no, no... And then my sister said; absolutely not. So I said, absolutely yes. Steve: It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not. It's over. You're dumped. Look, um, it's

Flushed [1.1]

Sally: Mary Kelly does not fancy you! Patrick: I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive. Sally: Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive? Patrick: It's never really come up. Susan: If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me. Patrick: Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around] Sally: Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot. Patrick: Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking? Sally: She's lip-reading. [She leaves] Patrick: We need to talk. Susan: Sure. Patrick: About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to. Susan: What relationship? Patrick: I can't believe you! Susan: Well, I didn't mean to hurt yo

Flushed [1.1]

Susan: Um, isn't this the ladies? Steve: Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands. Susan: Hmm-mm, and the money's for? Steve: You get these free in the Ladies? Susan: Apparently. Steve: Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it? Susan: So, how are you these days, Steve? Steve: Great. Susan: We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time. Steve: Oh. Susan: So have you seen that women recently? Steve: Define "recently". Susan: Ok, look- I'd better- Steve: No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime. Susan: Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me. Steve: Great. Susan: Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in] Steve: Where are you going? Susan: In there. Steve: Why? What are you goin

Flushed [1.1]

Susan: Your friend Steve, is he alright? Steve: Yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment. He's got an unflushable. Susan: Oh, I see. You mean, he can't- Steve: No, no, not so much can't. He won't. Susan: "He won't"? Steve: At the last minute, he gets all sentimental

Flushed [1.1]

Sally: So, back on your own again, eh? Back out there? Patrick: You're smiling at me. I don't think I've ever seen that. Sally: You're a single man, now. You qualify for my elasticity. Patrick: Is that as good as it sounds?

Flushed [1.1]

Steve: How well do you know Susan? Are you close? Jeff: Close? I've got her cycle in my organizer. Wait, are you thinking of asking her out? Steve: I've already, kind of. Why, is that a problem? What, have you and her, you know? Jeff: Oh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know. But it was a long time ago. Didn't really work out, I think I made her nervous. Steve: That's understandable. Jeff: So, you managed to finish with Jane, then? Steve: Define "finish". Jeff: Oh, Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the zone? If you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So, where were you; zone-wise, with Jane, when you asked Susan out? Steve: Well, you know, pretty much... in there. Jeff: Yeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, middle, edge- Steve: During Jeff: During? During? Steve: It's not as bad as it sounds! I was in the toilet cubicle with Jane, when I was nipping out to get a condom, I asked out Susan. Jeff: The zone has a new kin

Flushed [1.1]

Susan: Jeff. Jeff: Hello. Susan: That, uh, that Steve guy. How well do you know him? Are you close? Jeff: Close? We're porn buddies. Susan: Porn buddies? Jeff: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Susan: Is this code? Were you two in prison together or something? Jeff: No, no, no, it's a safety precaution. You know, like, a scuba diver dives with a buddy, in case he runs out of air. Susan: Ok, so are you telling me a porn buddy stands by with oxygen? Jeff: [Laughs] No. Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys. Susan: Are you sure this isn't code? Jeff: It's not code. In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it. Susan: You're kidding. Jeff: And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are. Susan: You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags? Jeff: Who said destroy? "Remove". Susan: Yeah, but, you wouldn't keep them, would you? Jeff: We

Flushed [1.1]

Jane: Hello, this is Jane, sorry I'm not here. Steve: I am out of the zone, I am finally out. [Starts recording] Jane, hi, this is Steve. Um, look, there's something I've been trying to say. And I think you know by now you know what it is. So, just listen. You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman. And a man would have to be insane not to spend the rest of his life with you. Answering machine: This message tape is now full. Please hang up.

Flushed [1.1]

Steve: Jeff, I'm going on a date, why are you following me? Why are you following me? Jeff: I just think you might need some last-minute pointers. Steve: Jeff, here's a pointer from me, this is dinner for two. Jeff: Quality, Nice. Steve: Susan's idea. She's going to be here in an hour. Jeff: Do you know the biggest turnoff on a first date? Steve: You? Jeff: Discussion of mutual friends. An hour? Steve: Yes, she's having a facial. And I'm trying to avoid someone. Jeff: Who? Steve: [He notices someone] Oh, my god. [He gets up] Jeff: What? [Jane is there and sees Steve and they wave to each other] Have you been completely clear with her that it's over? [Jane kisses Steve] Jane: Hello gorgeous! [Turns head to Jeff] And... [Swipes hand in disregard] I got your lovely message! You know I feel quite flushed! Steve: How did you find me? Jane: The usual. Steve: Oh right, you phoned my flat, found I wasn't there. Then you phoned all the local taxi companies and found out which one had picked me

Size Matters [1.2]

I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

Size Matters [1.2]

Jeff: [Drunk]] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay. Howard: And why is that? Jeff: If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em! Howard: That's a very good point, actually. Sally: No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queen! Jane: Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!

Size Matters [1.2]

Sally: Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with? Patrick: Men?

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

Patrick: You can’t prevent death with face cream. Sally: Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do.

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

Patrick: What's a giggle loop? Jeff: Don't ask! To know about the Giggle Loop is to become part OF the Giggle Loop!

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

Steve: I think we can take it. Jeff: You're not ready for the Giggle Loop. Jeff: Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died. Steve: Right. Patrick: Okay. Jeff: Right, minute’s silence ticking away. [Makes ticking noises with his tongue] The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. [Overturns a beer glass] And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo... But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it’s a bigger laugh. [Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one] And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, o

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

Bar staff: What are you doing? Jeff: ...It's a Giggle Loop. Bar staff: It's not a loop, it's a stack. Jeff: Well I couldn't call it a Giggle Stack now, could I. Steve: That would sound ridiculous. Patrick: Exactly!

Inferno [1.4]

Steve: I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert? Jeff: You are. Patrick: We all are. Steve: True.

Inferno [1.4]

Sally: "Lesbian Spank Inferno". Jeff: Well? Patrick: Porn? Steve: Yes. Patrick: Which one? Jeff: Not... Inferno? Steve: Inferno. Jeff: Oh, my god! Patrick: No problem. Steve: What? Patrick: As long as she hasn't watched it, you can't tell anything from a title like "Inferno". Steve: Patrick, "Inferno" isn't the full title. Patrick: Well, how bad can it be? Steve: What film is erotic? Sally: Well, I found "The Piano" very erotic. Steve: Oh, come on! The Piano? Jane: All men hate that film. Jeff: I liked it. Holly Hunter was naked in the most of it. Sally: She was nude in one scene! Jeff: Depends how you watch it. Jane: Maa-maa [Then she flicks a meat cut onto a plate, sits down and says to Jill] Aw, if you like animals, you'll love lamb. Steve: Jane, stop picking on your date. Susan: Date? Steve: Friend, sorry. Friend. Jane: So, Steve. Susan tells us you've been using pornography. Steve: "Using pornography"? What a strange expression, Jane. Um, I enjoy erotica, if that's what you mean.

Inferno [1.4]

I'm an emotional vegetarian. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films.

The Girl with Two Breasts [1.5]

Jeff: I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Steve: You draw the line at intelligent breasts? Jeff: I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

The Girl with Two Breasts [1.5]

Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind?... Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all on the spot. Men are not people. We are disgustoids in human form!

The Girl with Two Breasts [1.5]

Steve: Well, how'd it go? Jeff: She's leaving the country, doesn't speak English, I insulted her friend's breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket. Steve: Well, you've had worse.

The Cupboard of Patrick's Love [1.6]

You know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word "naked" hundreds of times on a bit of paper and then rub my face in it. It's better than sex.

The Cupboard of Patrick's Love [1.6]

Sally: "Room in your cupboard for one more"? You said that? Jane: Yeah. I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to "heal our spiritual divide," but it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar!

The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

Patrick: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right? Jeff: Yeah. Patrick: And you haven't had sex with her? Jeff: No. Patrick: You see my problem? Steve: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years. Patrick: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women. Steve: Well, do the women talk too? Patrick: [Pause] Well, they must do.

The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

I've always wanted to date a gynaecologist. I want to know I'm special.

The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

But what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!

The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

I've got the key to the gates of paradise... but I've got too many legs!

My Dinner in Hell [2.2]

You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

My Dinner in Hell [2.2]

Steve: I think you may have been had, mate. Jeff: And a lot more often than you realize.

Her Best Friend's Bottom [2.3]

Jeff: So, how was it? Steve: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.

Her Best Friend's Bottom [2.3]

Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.

Her Best Friend's Bottom [2.3]

Steve: What are they [cushions] for? Store Manager: You sit on them. Steve: Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite! Jane: It's... you know, padding. Steve: Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way

The Melty Man Cometh [2.4]

Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again? Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt? Steve: [Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby." Jeff: You never called her "baby" before. Steve: You've never called anyone "baby" before. Jeff: So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush. Steve: Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood! Jeff: [Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it! Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon. Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time. Steve: "Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!" Jeff: [Hand goes down] Pufff. Patrick: [With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex? Steve: ["Duh!" voice] We don't. Jeff: I haven't had sex in years. Steve: It's just not possible anymore. Jeff: We are follo

The Melty Man Cometh [2.4]

Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen. Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing. Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

The Melty Man Cometh [2.4]

Patrick: [Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he? Steve: The arch enemy of trouser confidence. Jeff: Professor Moriarty in groin form. Steve: Darth Vader... Jeff: ...without the helmet.

Jane and the Truth Snake [2.5]

Jane: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises. Steve: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jane and the Truth Snake [2.5]

I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!

Gotcha [2.6]

Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!

Gotcha [2.6]

Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!

Gotcha [2.6]

Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"

Dressed [2.7]

You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.

Dressed [2.7]

[On inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!

Dressed [2.7]

Jeff: [As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong? Steve: It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat! Jeff: Naked? Steve: Completely! She's only got her coat! Jeff: Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff. Jane: [Bewildered] Hi, Jeff... Jeff: [Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off] Jane: Jeff? Steve: Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Naked [2.8]

It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.

Naked [2.8]

Steve: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine? Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'? Steve: Well... not being called Jeffery. Jeff: 'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.

Naked [2.8]

Jeff: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place. Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand. Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

The End of the Line [2.9]

Jeff: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex. Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal. Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

The End of the Line [2.9]

Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane. Sally: But you're Jane. Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

The End of the Line [2.9]

Patrick: Julia's pants... are they really tiny? Jeff: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go! Patrick: Jeff? Jeff: Yeah? Patrick: They spread. Jeff: What? Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow. Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone. Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong... Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline. Jeff: [Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia. Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why

Split [3.1]

Jeff: Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own. Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth. Susan: [Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an in

Faithless [3.2]

Jeff: Do you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favourite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!" Steve: It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair! Because you always know what we want. Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing. Steve: And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Patrick: Never. Patrick: [On the phone to

Unconditional Sex [3.3]

Jeff: I have a girlfriend! Wilma: So you keep saying, so why are you here? Jeff: Well, I-I-I just... Wilma: She really does exist, this girlfriend? Jeff: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [Beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that. Susan: I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick." Steve: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent. Susan: The deterrent? Steve: Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace. Susan: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War. Steve: Which, may I remind you, really lasted. Susan: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction? Steve: Oh, among many ot

Unconditional Sex [3.3]

I'm not bad. I've never been bad... I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness.

Remember This [3.4]

I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.

Remember This [3.4]

You know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.

The Freckle, the Key and the Couple Who Weren't [3.5]

Jeff: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery. Steve: You what? Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item. Steve: Right? Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery... Steve: No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before. Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover. Steve: OK. Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hoovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box. Steve: I see. Jeff: Not directly, of course. Steve: I was clinging to that hope. Susan: Jane's breasts scar

The Girl with One Heart [3.6]

Jeff: Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap." Steve: You do realise there is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn?!

The Girl with One Heart [3.6]

Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about? Steve: [Slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, re

The Girl with One Heart [3.6]

Area secure, 007.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps [3.7]

Susan: Have you phoned Sally yet? Patrick: No. Susan: Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out. Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right. Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you. Patrick: For God's sakes, Sally. Sally: What? What?! Patrick: I was talking about me! Sally: I'm sor— You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever? Patrick: [Gesturing to self] Well, yes!

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps [3.7]

Steve: [Nervously] How???...Who???...What???...Hippo!! Susan: [After announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps [3.7]

Susan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for Steve Taylor. Susan: Steve Taylor. Is he here? Nurse: Um, cubicle eight. [continues giggling] Susan: Is there a problem? Nurse: No. [walks away, still giggling] Susan: Steve? Steve: Hello darling! Susan: Hello! Steve: Something wrong? Susan: You've been in there for an hour and a half! Steve: About that, yeah? Susan: About that. Steve: How did you know that? Susan: Steve, they phoned me! Steve: Oh! Susan: So, how's it going? Steve: Well, you know, early days. Susan: Early days. Steve: Well how quickly do you think I can do this? Susan: Well no offence, darling, but really quite quickly!

Nine and a Half Minutes [4.1]

Oliver: Is that yours? Susan: Yes. Oliver: Is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies? Susan: Piss off.

Nine and a Half Minutes [4.1]

Craziness!

Nightlines [4.2]

Sally: Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially! Patrick: Socially? Sally: To tea. Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish. Susan: Don't say that! Steve: Hormones! Susan: Bollocks! Patrick: Doesn't this all seem a little early? Sally: Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal. Steve: You've already got a cat. Sally: Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!

Nightlines [4.2]

Steve: You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking? Patrick: Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin." Sally: She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!

Nightlines [4.2]

Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Bed Time [4.3]

Oliver: Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex? Patrick: Two years. Oliver: [A little affronted] Seven months.

Bed Time [4.3]

Bed thieves are operating in your area. Secure all doors and windows and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the centre of your duvet.

Bed Time [4.3]

Sally: [Singing] I'm Susan, the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce! I smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Suuuusan! The happy, trotting, smile-a-lotting elf! I'm polite, so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "apparent-LY!" I'm Suuuusan, the happy, trotting, smile-a-lotting--! [Falls off couch] Susan: [Folds arms]

Circus of the Epidurals [4.4]

Steve: Right, the question of pain relief. Patrick: Yes Oliver: Absolutely. Steve: Sorted. Oliver: So how are we supposed to pad this out? Steve: [Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the different methods. Patrick: Drugs. Oliver: Yeah, drugs. Steve: Sorted.

The Naked Living Room [4.5]

Jane: Actually I prefer videos. Oliver: What? Jane: I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?

Nine and a Half Months [4.6]

Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.

Nine and a Half Months [4.6]

Sally: Did you sleep with Jane? Patrick: All right, before I say anything that might inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [Quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!

Nine and a Half Months [4.6]

Susan: [Trying to encourage Oliver to sleeping with Jane] Just look at her. She's a beautiful, sexy woman and she's never had an orgasm. Well there's your challenge, your Everest. Steve: What are you waiting for, Oliver? Mount Jane! [Realises what he said] That wasn't actually meant to sound like instruction...