Quotes

Dialogue

Kevin: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I? Kate: Kevin, I'm on the phone. [on the phone] When do you come back? Not till then? Kevin: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk. Kate: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then, it must be really bad. [on the phone] No, no one is bringing the dog, we're putting it in the kennel for the... Hey, get off! Kevin, out of the room. Kevin: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya? Kate: This kid. Peter: Hey, did you pick up a voltage adapter thing? Kate: No, I didn't have time to do that. Peter: Then, how do I shave in France? Kate: Grow a goatee. Kevin: Dad, nobody'll let me do anything. Peter: I've got something, why don't you pick up those Micro-Machines that are in there. Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck. Kate: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun. Peter: Didn't we talk about that? Kevin: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I made ornaments out of fis

Dialogue

Kevin: I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life! Jeff: Tough. Kevin: That's what Megan said. Megan: What did I say? Jeff: You told Kevin "Tough". Megan: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"? Kevin: I'm not an idiot! Megan: Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you. Jeff: She's right, Kev. Kevin: Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase! Linnie: Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff. Jeff: Shut up, Linnie. Kevin: You know what I should pack? Jeff: Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water. Linnie: Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents". Kevin: What? Jeff: [throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet] Bombs away! Linnie: P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-be

Dialogue

Kate: [to Kevin] What is the matter with you?! Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I'd hate sausage, and olives, and onions, and... Uncle Frank: [cutting him off] Look what you did, you little jerk! Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now. Kevin: Why? Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease. Kevin: Shut up! Peter: Kevin, upstairs! Kate: Say good night, Kevin. Kevin: [sarcastically] "Good night, Kevin". Why do I always get treated like scum? Kate: [to Pizza Boy] Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts. Kevin: How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas? Pizza Boy: Nice tip. Thanks a lot. Kate: Thanks. Harry: Having a reunion or something? Kate: My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together. Harry: You're taking a trip to Paris? Kate: Yes, we hope to leave tomor

Dialogue

Frank: There's no way on Earth we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes. Peter: Think positive, Frank. Frank: You be positive. I'll be realistic.

Dialogue

Kate: Heather, did you count heads? Heather: 11 including me, 5 boys, 6 girls, 4 parents, 2 drivers and a partridge in a pear tree.

Dialogue

Kevin: I made my family disappear! [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before] Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless. Linnie: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents." Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula. Jeff: Kevin, you are such a disease! Kate: There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble. Frank: Look what you did, you little jerk! Kevin: [smiles, to himself] I made my family disappear.

Dialogue

Johnny: Who is it? Snakes: [walks in] It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff. Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell outta here. Snakes: All right, Johnny. But what about my money? Johnny: What money? Snakes: Acey said you had some dough for me. Johnny: That a fact? How much do I owe you? Snakes: Acey said 10 percent. Johnny: Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more. Snakes: What do you mean? Johnny: He's upstairs, takin' a bath. Kevin: [calling out] Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me! Johnny: He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. [takes out his Tommy Gun] I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yellow, no good keister<br>off of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead. Snakes: [about to leave] All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going. Johnny: 1, 2, 10! Johnny: Keep the change, ya filthy animal. Kevin: [after pausing the video] MOM!! [his word echoes]

Dialogue

Peter: What's the matter? Honey? Kate: I have a terrible feeling. Peter: About what? Kate: That we didn't do something. Peter: Oh, no, you feel that way because we left in such a hurry. We took care of everything. Believe me, we did. Kate: Did I turn off the coffee? Peter: No, I did. Kate: Did you lock up? Peter: Yeah. Kate: Did you close the garage? Peter: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it. Kate: No, that's not it. Peter: What else could we be forgetting? Kate: [after a brief long silence, she shocks and realizes that they’re actually forgetting one thing] KEVIN!! [echoes]

Dialogue

Megan: This is so pointless. Buzz: What? Megan: We're here rotting in this apartment, Kevin's at home, Mom's at the airport. Buzz: So? Megan: You're not at all worried about Kevin? Megan: He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out? Buzz: The trout can use a couple of days in the real world.

Dialogue

Johnny: Who is it? Delivery man: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza. Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get outta here. Delivery man: Okay. [puts the pizza on the doorstep] Um, well, what about the money? Johnny: What money? Delivery man: Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir. Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you? Delivery man: Uh, that'll be $11.80, sir. Johnny: Keep the change, ya filthy animal. Delivery man: Cheapskate. Johnny: Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yellow, no good keister off of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead. 1, 2, 10! Kevin: [picks up the pizza, breaths in and exhales] A lovely cheese pizza just for me. Thank you.

Dialogue

Scranton ticket agent: Everything's full. Kate: Everything's full? Scranton ticket agent: I am very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve. Kate: What about another airline? Scranton ticket agent: Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room in the city? Tomorrow afternoon we can get you a flight to Chicago. Kate: I can't wait that long. Scranton ticket agent: I am terribly sorry, ma'am, but we're doing absolutely everything we can. Kate: [to woman waiting] Go ahead. I'm in your way. I'm sorry. You've got places to go, people to see. You got a ticket there. That's good. [pushes woman out of the way] Excuse me. Look, I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to... Where the hell am I? Scranton ticket agent: Scranton. Kate: I'm trying to get home to my 8-year-old son! Now you're telling me it is hopeless? Scranton ticket agent: I'm sorry. Kate: No, no, no, no, no! No way! This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope! I do

Dialogue

Kevin: Excuse me. Santa's Elf: Yeah? Kevin: Hey, nice shoes. Santa's Elf: Oh, thanks. Kevin: Is he still here? It's really important that I see him. Santa's Elf: He's getting in his car. I guess if you hurry, you can catch him. Santa: Dang! How low can you go! Giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve! What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny? Kevin: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute? Santa: If you make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for. Kevin: I know that you're not the real Santa Clause. Santa: What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity. Kevin: I'm old enough to know how it works. Santa: All right. Kevin: But I also know you work for him. And I'd like you to give him a message. Santa: Shoot. Kevin: My name is Kevin McCallister, and my address is 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you need the phone number? Santa: No, that's all right. Kevin: This is extremely important. Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year, I j

Dialogue

Marley: Merry Christmas. Kevin: Huh? Marley: May I sit down? [Kevin nods] That's my granddaughter up there. The little red-haired girl. She's about your age. You know her? Kevin: No. Marley: You live next to me, don't you? Kevin: Yeah. Marley: You can say hello when you see me. There's a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true. Okay? You been a good boy this year? Kevin: I think so. Marley: You swear to it? Kevin: No. Marley: I had a feeling. Well, this is the place to be if you're feeling bad about yourself. Kevin: It is? Marley: I think so. Kevin: Are you feeling bad about yourself? Marley: No. Kevin: I've been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn't have. I really haven't been too good this year. I'm kind of upset about it because I really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don't. Sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that? Marley: I think so. How you feel about your family's a complicated thing. Kevin: Especially with an older brothe

Dialogue

Harry: Merry Christmas, little fella—— we know that you are in there, and that you are all by your lonesome. Marv: Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It's Santy Claus and his elf. Harry: We're not gonna hurt you. Marv: No, no. We got some nice presents for you. Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door. [Kevin shoots Harry in the groin] Owww! Shoot! [Harry falls to his knees as he mumbles under his breath] Marv: What? What? What? What? What happened? Harry: Get that little----! Kevin: Hello. [shoots Marv in the head; Marv screams in pain] Yes! Yes! Marv: That little jerk is armed! Harry: That's it! That's it! I'm going in the front! You go down the basement! That smart aleck. Oh, boy. That's it, you little... You little... No, not this time, you little brat. You little creep, where are you? [Harry gets his hand burnt, screams in agony and then puts his hand in the snow] Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes! Harry: I'll rip his head off! You're dead, kid. [Harry gets his head blowtorched] Ahhhhhh!

Dialogue

Kate: I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent. Gus: No, you're not. You're just beating yourself up there. This happens. These things happen, you know. You wanna talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks out of the year. We hardly see our families. Joe over there, gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names half the time. Ziggy over there, he's never even met his kid. Eddie... Let's just hope none of them write a book about him. Kate: Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home? Gus: No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor. All day. You know, when we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after six, seven weeks. He came around and started talking again. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that. Kate: Maybe we

Dialogue

[off-screen, shocked] KEVIN!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!