Quotes

Super Car [3.19]

Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today. Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.

The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye [3.20]

Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.

The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye [3.20]

Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best. Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.

The Trial and Error of Aunt Clara [3.21]

Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there. Samantha: You do? Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right? Samantha: Sort of. Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar? Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.

Three Wishes [3.22]

That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!

Three Wishes [3.22]

Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you. Darrin: Sam! Samantha: I'm going home to Mother. Darrin: What do you mean "going home to Mother"? Your mother's always here!

Cousin Serena Strikes Again (Part 1) [5.15]

Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon. Darrin: What for? Samantha: To have her nose lowered.

Charlie Harper, Winner [3.26]

Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something. Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes. Darrin: 11. Samantha: Oh, pardon me. Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me ten bucks, but I won.

The Crone of Cawdor [3.27]

When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]

My What Big Ears You Have

Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding! Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain. Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls. Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten [5.4]

Samantha: Happy sweetheart? Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy. Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'? Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan! Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten [5.4]

Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms. Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten [5.4]

Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten [5.4]

Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes. Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.

It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House [5.5]

I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall [5.6]

Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily. Darrin: Let me try a little harder.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall [5.6]

Samantha: Mr. Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today. Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

Samantha's French Pastry [5.07]

When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.

Samantha's French Pastry [5.07]

Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte. Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic. Darrin: Ironic? Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?

Is It Magic Or Imagination? [5.8]

The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!

Samantha Fights City Hall [5.9]

Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece. Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line. Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.

Samantha Loses Her Voice [5.10]

Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.

I Don't Want to Be a Toad, I Want to Be a Butterfly [5.11]

Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem? Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

Weep No More My Willow [5.12]

Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman. Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.

Samantha's Yoo-Hoo Maid [6.2]

What are you going out there for? I present the name & symbol for Hampton's new economy car. The unicorn.

Samantha's Double Mother Trouble [6.12]

Tabitha: Mommy, Mommy! Samantha: [from Tabitha's bedroom window] What is it, sweetheart? Tabitha: Look who's here! Samantha: [shocked] Oh, my goose! It's Mother Stars!

A Plague on Maurice and Samantha [8.9]

Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.

A Plague on Maurice and Samantha [8.9]

Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.

A Plague on Maurice and Samantha [8.9]

Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite. Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Hansel And Gretel In Samanthaland [8.10]

Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb? Darrin: Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.

The Warlock In The Grey Flannel Suit [8.11]

Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law. Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

The Eight-Year Witch [8.12]

Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new. Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years. Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

Three Men And A Witch On a Horse [8.13]

Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".

Three Men And A Witch On a Horse [8.13]

Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'. Samantha: And so's your horse.

Three Men And A Witch On a Horse [8.13]

Samantha: He'll catch up. Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.

Adam, Warlock or Washout? [8.14]

Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes. Samantha: Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.

Adam, Warlock or Washout? [8.14]

Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical. Maurice: Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.

Adam, Warlock or Washout? [8.14]

Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa. Maurice: Tabitha! How is my little princess? Tabitha: Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa. Maurice: Yes, people say it has a unique quality. Tabitha: And it's so loud, too.

Adam, Warlock or Washout? [8.14]

Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft. Endora: You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house. Witches Council Representative #1: No. Endora: Yes. Witches Council Representative #2: No! Endora: Yes! Witches Council Representative #1: No!!! Endora: Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!

Samantha is Earthbound [8.16]

Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple Mrs. Prescott: It's called love, Wilbur. Mr. Prescott: Why's he holding her like that? Mrs. Prescott: That is also called love, Wilbur. Mr. Prescott: He's gonna help her dress? Mrs. Prescott: Love, Wilbur! Mr. Prescott: Sick, Selma.

Samantha on Thin Ice [8.18]

Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft? Samantha: Why would I want to do that? Darrin: Could you or couldn't you? Samantha: Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything? Darrin: Not everything. Just everything difficult. Samantha: Well! Darrin: Can you learn to skate the mortal way? Samantha: Are you challenging me? Darrin: Yes Samantha: I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

Serena's Youth Pill [8.19]

In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.

Serena's Youth Pill [8.19]

Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator

Tabitha's First Day at School [8.20]

Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school? Samantha: Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?

Tabitha's First Day at School [8.20]

Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha? Tabitha: It's not a dumb name. Charlton, the bully: How come I've never heard it before? Tabitha: Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!

Tabitha's First Day at School [8.20]

Charlton's mom: Why does he keep saying that? Samantha: Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification. Charlton's mom: Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that? Samantha: Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it? Charlton's mom: Yes. Samantha: Do you follow me? Charlton's mom: No. Samantha: Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies. Charlton's mom: Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog? Charlton, the bully: I WAS a bullfrog. Samantha: Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.

Tabitha's First Day at School [8.20]

Samantha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you? Tabitha: I have an idea. Samantha: What's that? Tabitha: How about a little love and understanding? Samantha: Why is it that I feel like the fox that's been cornered by the chicken!?

George Washington Zapped Here[8.21]

George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow? Samantha: That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president. George Washington: He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill. Samantha: He was an excellent president, Sir. George Washington: Better than me? Darrin: Oh, I wouldn't say that. George Washington: Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill? Samantha: Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.

George Washington Zapped Here[8.21]

Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority". George Washington: Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.

George Washington Zapped Here[8.21]

How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her!

School Days, School Daze [8.23]

Samantha: How would you like a drink? Darrin: Sam, just give me the news, without the anesthetic.

A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished [8.24]

Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?

A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished [8.24]

Samantha: Did Larry like it? Darrin: He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.

Samantha's Witchcraft Blows a Fuse [8.25]

There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam [8.26]

Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry. Darrin: Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult? Endora: Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps. Samantha: Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.

The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam [8.26]

Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works. Samantha: Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.