Quotes

Dialogue

Female Temp: [handing out letters; reads the name on one] Michael...Bolton? Michael Bolton: [leans over to take the letter] Yeah, that's me. Female Temp: Wow! Is that your real name? Michael Bolton: [takes the letter, goes back to his computer; answering as if he's heard the question so many times in his life, which he no doubt has had to do] Yeah. Female Temp: So are you related to that singer guy? Michael Bolton: [politely] No. It's just a coincidence. [he smiles at her] Female Temp: [visibly disappointed] Oh. [she leaves] Samir Nagheenanajar: No-one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It..it's not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar...Nagheenanajar. Michael Bolton: Well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. Samir Nagheenanajar: You know, there is nothing wrong with that name. Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammys. Samir Nagheenanajar: Why don't you just go by M

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars and didn't have to work. And invariably, whatever you'd say, that was supposed to be your career. So if you wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic. Samir Nagheenanajar: So what did you say? Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech. Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech 'cause that question is bullshit to begin with. If everybody listened to her, there would be no janitors, because no one will clean shit up if they had a million dollars. Samir Nagheenanajar: (smiling) You know what I would do if I had million dollars? I would invest half of it in low-risk mutual funds, and then take the other half over to my friend Sadulach who works in Securities... Michael Bolton: Samir, Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would (the printer makes

Dialogue

Tom Smykowski: I've been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this? [gives Peter a printout of an email] I knew it. I knew it! Michael Bolton: What, it's a staff meeting. So what? Tom Smykowski: So, what? We're all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize Initech! Samir Nagheenanajar: What're you talking about, Tom? Now, how do you know that? Tom Smykowski: How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know! That's what this staff meeting's all about! It happened at Intitrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant; they call them "efficiency experts", but what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job! Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're gonna lose your job, and you're still here. Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off. Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS!

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?" Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons: [laughs, then realises Lawrence is being serious] That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, 'cause chicks dig a dude with money. Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point. Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do? Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Well, yeah. Peter Gibbons: Nothing. Lawrence: Nothing, huh? Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing. Lawrence: Well you don't only need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't even do shit.

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life. Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up. [Anne shoots him a dirty look] I'm sorry. Go on. Peter Gibbons: Is there any way that you could...sort of...just zonk me out, so that, like, I don't know that I'm at work, in here? Could I come home and think that I'd been fishing all day, or...something? [Anne looks at him in disgust] Dr. Swanson: That's...really not what I do, Peter. [He chuckles to himself; Peter sighs] However, the good news is I think I can help you. [He gets up and dims the lights of the therapy room]

Dialogue

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter? Peter Gibbons: Initech. Joanna: Ini- yeah, what do you do there? Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Joanna: What's that? Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore. Joanna: You're just not gonna go? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Joanna: Won't you get fired? Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. Joanna: So you're gonna quit? Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh, I'm just gonna stop going. Joanna: When did you decide all that? Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago. Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job? Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job. Joanna

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements. Michael Bolton: [disgusted with himself] I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music. Peter Gibbons: [knowing how much Michael hates his famous namesake] Oh. That is not right, Michael. For five years now, you've worked your ass off at Initech, hoping for a promotion. Or some kind of profit sharing, or something. [Michael drinks] Five years of your mid-twenties now, gone. And you're gonna go in tomorrow, they're gonna throw you o

Dialogue

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Bob Slydell: Great. Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. Ah, I use the side door–that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh. After that I sorta space out for an hour. Bob Porter: Da-uh? "Space out"? Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work. Peter Gibbons: You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Bob Porter: [confused] Don't–don't care? Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing: I have eight different bosses right now. Bob

Dialogue

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second here? Peter Gibbons: Okay. Bob Slydell: What if–and believe me this is "hypothetical"–but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program? Would that do anything for you? Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys. Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me. Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well. Bob Porter: Excellent. Bob Slydell: Great. Wow.

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: Listen, that virus you're always talking about, right? That one that could, er...rip off the company for a bunch of money? Michael Bolton: Yeah, what about it? Peter Gibbons: Well, how does it work? Michael Bolton: It's pretty brilliant. What it does is, every time there's a bank transaction where interest is computed–and there are thousands a day–the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent, which usually rounds off. What this does is it takes those little remainders and puts them into an account. Peter Gibbons: This sounds familiar. Michael Bolton: Yeah, they did it in Superman III. Peter Gibbons: Right. Michael Bolton: Underrated movie, actually. And then there were a bunch of hackers that did it in the 70s as well. One of them got busted. Peter Gibbons: Well, so they check for this now. Michael Bolton: No, no. Here's the thing: Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating for the year 2000, they'd never notice. Peter Gibbons: You're right. And e

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: [Explaining the plan to steal from Initech to get revenge for him, Michael and Samir being mistreated] Alright, so when the sub routine compounds the interest it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, and drop the remainder into an account we opened. Joanna: [Confused] So you're stealing? Peter Gibbons: Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot. Joanna: Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Peter Gibbons: Well it becomes ours. Joanna: How is that not stealing? Peter Gibbons: [pauses] I don't think I'm explaining this very well. Joanna: Okay. Peter Gibbons: Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right? Joanna: From the cripple children? Peter Gibbons: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that a

Dialogue

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob.

Dialogue

Bob Slydell: Well, there's two more people we can easily lose. Then there's Tom Smykowski; he's useless. [Chuckles] GONE. Dom Portwood: Sounds good to me. Bob Slydell: Here's an interesting one: Milton Waddams. Dom Portwood: Who? Bob Porter: You know, squirrely guy, mumbles a lot. Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah. Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here. Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck. Bob Slydell: So, we just went ahead and fixed the glitch. Bill Lumbergh: Great. Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go? Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So, he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally. Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible.

Dialogue

Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now, we had a chance to meet this young man and, boy, that's just a straight-shooter with "upper management" written all over him. Bill Lumbergh: Oooo... yeahhhh, ummm... I'm gonna have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately, and I'm just not sure that he's the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He's also been having some problems with his TPS reports. Bob Porter: [To Slydell] I'll handle this. [To Lumbergh] We feel that the problem isn't with Peter. Bob Slydell: Mmm-mmm. Bob Porter: It's that you haven't challenged him enough, to get him motivated. Bob Slydell: There it is. Bill Lumbergh: Yeah, um, well, I'm just not sure about that right now. Bob Slydell: [Pulls Peter's file aside, showing Lumbergh's file next] Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here: How much time would you say you spend each week dealing with these TPS reports? Bill Lum

Dialogue

Peter Gibbons: This isn't so bad, huh? Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside... Lawrence: Fuckin' A. Peter Gibbons: [Nods] ...Fuckin' A.