Quotes

Others

Minuteman Leader: Wade Winston Wilson, you are under arrest by the Time Variance Authority for too many crimes to list! Happy Hogan: The problem might be that you're reaching a little too high. Aim for the middle, and you'll never miss, right? I think you got a good heart. I believe what you're saying. But not everybody's the world-saving type. I'm not, and I'm happy, right? I found my place. Find your place. Blind Al: I pray every day that fire finds your body and finishes the job God didn't have the nuts to do! Paradox: I have been tasked with overseeing the end of your universe and, regardless of what the pencil-pushers upstairs would prefer, I will not waste my life watching it die slowly of natural causes. We used to just prune these things -- Simple. Elegant. Efficient. But I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore. Well, I do. And no matter what my so-called superiors say, the multiverse does not need a babysitter. We need a mercy killer. And in this instance, I am the me

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Wade: I-- I care. I know I turn everything into a joke, but I care and I wanna use that feeling for something important. I-- I wanna matter. And to show my girl that I matter, and, um... Y'know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here. Is the man not gonna be joining us? Happy Hogan: "The man"? Wade: Yeah. I should save this if he's gonna... Happy: As far as you're concerned right now, I'm the man. Wade: No. Happy: The man is me. I am the man in this... circumstance. Eh, besi-- He doesn't do this kind of thing anymore. Wade: Cameos? Happy: Meetings.

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Happy: You just said, moments ago, that you wanted to be an Avenger because "you need it". Wade: Yes, sir, I do. Happy: But the Avengers don't do the job because they need it, they do the job because people need them. Do you see the distinction?

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Peter: We're human beings, we crave purpose. After all, we're Deadpool! Wade: Please stop saying that; we're not Deadpool. I'm not even Deadpool anymore. Peter: Well, if you're gonna have a mid-life crisis, go big! A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his Van Johnson.

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Blind Al: Wanna do some cocaine? Wade Wilson: Hey! Cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off-limits. Blind Al: What about Bolivian Marching Powder? Wade: They know all the slang terms; they have a list. Blind Al: Even snowboarding? Wade: Even disco dust. Blind Al: White Girl, Interrupted? Wade: Even Forrest Bump. Blind Al: Booger sugar? Wade: I wouldn't even try "powdered go-nuts". Blind Al: Do you want to build a snowman? Wade: Yes! But I can't!

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Wade: Birthdays -- boy, uh, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed. Blind Al: Sun, dumbass! Wade: Okay, round-earther! Where was I? Colossus: The adventure of life. Wade: Right, um... it's been a challenging few years. Been through a lot -- a change of life. Buck: Menopause? Wade: Bitch, are you improv-ing? Dopinder: Mm-mm. Buck: I'm sorry. Wade: I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yukio. Yukio: It's okay. Wade: Yeah... But I'm happy. And, you know, that's be-- that's... because of each and every one of you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, how proud I am, how grateful I am to be standing in a room with every single person I love. I'm the luckiest man alive.

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Paradox: I brought you here to offer you an opportunity -- the opportunity you sought years ago but for which you were not ready. We believe you're ready now. Ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the greatest universe of all. I am about to give you the thing you always wanted. Wade: Oh, I smell what you're stepping in. The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever. I am the Messiah. I. Am. Marvel Jesus.

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Wade: Where do I sign? Paradox: Oh, there's no need for paperwork. Wade: Good! Not to brag, but I do not read.

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Deadpool: You're gonna Old Yeller my fucking universe? Paradox: Mmm, in your parlance, yes. Two in the heart, one in the head.

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Deadpool: Sorry! Wolverine-ing is hard! Minuteman: Make it stop! Deadpool: Mangold tried! Minuteman Leader: You sick fuck! Logan was a hero, and the only thing worth a shit to ever come out of Canada! Deadpool: Get my country's name out of your fucking mouth. And my sword. Gimme that.

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Oh, yes. Yes. Classic John Byrne brown and tan. Now, you fought the Hulk in this outfit, no? I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull creature, and I will not--

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Deadpool: You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry... [The Wolverine variant turns to reveal that he's played by Henry Cavill] OH MY FUCK! The Cavillrine. The legends are true. And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity, this just feels right! We will treat you so much better than those shitfucks down the street! Cavillrine: You were just leaving. Deadpool: No, sir! Not while the fate of my universe is at--

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Deadpool: Oh. Whiskey dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over forty. Logan: You don't want this. Deadpool: You're right, I don't. And unless you wanna take a deep breath through your fuckin' forehead, I suggest you reconsider. Let's go, peanut.

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Deadpool: One anchor being coming right up! On your left, babygirl! This Logan is the same -- he can do anything, even musicals, look! And bonus: He's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once. Paradox: I don't understand. Deadpool: You said my universe is dying because this sack of nuts got himself killed. Well, problem solved. Paradox: My God. You think you can actually replace an anchor being? With this?! I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine, bee-tee-dubs, but you have outdone yourself and brought me the WORST Wolverine! Deadpool: What do you mean, the worst one? Paradox: Mr. Wilson... this Wolverine let down his entire world. He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way. And what he did... Well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.

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Deadpool: Were you even listening back there?! We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I fuckin' know is gonna die. Wolverine: Not my fuckin' problem. Deadpool: Oh, is that all you got? Is that what you said when your world went to shit?! Wolverine: Come again? Deadpool: Yeah, I heard all about you -- how you screwed up everything? You should be thanking me for pulling me out of that bed you shit in.

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Deadpool: Alright! Fuck it! Let's give the people what they came for! Wolverine: Let's fucking go. Deadpool: [turns to camera] Get your special sock out, nerds. It's gonna get good.

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Mysterious variant: Hey! We fight each other, we lose. Deadpool: Dear God, it's him. Wolverine: Who? Deadpool: The one. The superhero equivalent to comfort food, or molly. A white guy's answer to all the disappointments, and another A-Lister. [to the mysterious variant] Fair warning, gorgeous: You're gonna encounter some indelicate language, a smidge of assplay, but we've been prohibited from using cocaine. On camera. Mysterious variant: They're coming. Deadpool: Who's "they?" [sees a group of variants in vehicles approaching] Oh they're driving angry. Deadpool: Now THAT'S a superhero landing! Mysterious variant: I got this. [takes off his hood and reveals he is played by Chris Evans]

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Mysterious variant: Stay close. Deadpool: Aye aye, Captain. You got this. Pyro: Cassandra is gonna be giddy when she sees what we caught. You can't run. Everybody knows that. Mysterious variant: You see anyone running, dick-for-brains? [Deadpool looks at him in surprise] You're not gonna love what happens next. Deadpool: Oh my God. Oh my God. He's gonna say it! Oh my God, he's gonna say it! Wolverine: Say what? Deadpool: AVENGERS... Mysterious variant: FLAME ON! Deadpool: I'm sorry, what now? Wolverine: We don't know that guy. Deadpool: We thought we did.

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Sabretooth: Ready to die?! Deadpool: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time! [to Logan, who has two katanas impaled through his chest and back, and a knife stuck in his shoulder] You look ridiculous! [he begins pulling them all out] People have waited decades for this fight. It's not gonna be easy. Baby knife! You shoot the double, you take him down. Side control. Then full mount, and ya ground and pound 'til he makes no sound because he's dead-- Wolverine: Shut the fuck up. Deadpool: Oh, my God... Okay, good luck! I'm a huge fan.

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Deadpool: How long was I asleep? Wolverine: Not all of you was asleep.

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Deadpool: Not my favorite Chris. Wolverine: You stupid piece of shit, you just got him fuckin' killed! Deadpool: Hey, we're ALL grieving! P.S., do you know what he was doing to the budget?!

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Deadpool: [On top of Logan] What'cha thinking about? Wolverine: Get the fuck off me. Deadpool: Shh sh-sh...[grunting] almost done. Wolverine: [disgusted and confused] Almost done what? Deadpool: Getting my knife out of your buttocks, you [rips baby knife out of Wolverine's thigh] pervert!

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Deadpool: You know, in my world, you're, um... You're well-regarded. Wolverine: Yeah, well, not in mine. Deadpool: Yeah, they don't like me much in mine, either. Wolverine: You don't say? Deadpool: I wanted to be something, you know? I... Shit, I wanted to be an Avenger. Wolverine: Fuck the Avengers. Deadpool: Yeah. I didn't make the cut, though. Same with the X-Men. Then my girlfriend left me, and I just-- Wolverine: You had a girlfriend? Deadpool: Yeah! Vanessa. When we met, she was a dancer. We had a whole life. It was good. But oh boy, I just-- mwah. Fucked that right up. But you? You were an X-Man. Fuck that, you were the X-Man, you... The Wolverine! He was a hero in my world. Wolverine: Yeah, well... he ain't shit in mine.

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Deadpool: Look, mijo. I know you're hurting. My blind, elderly African-American roommate Blind Al always says that pain teaches us who we are. Sometimes, we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it. Wolverine: Holy shit. Deadpool: Yeah, she's wise. Wolverine: No, no, no, that's her name? You call her "Blind Al"? Deadpool: Well, she's blind.

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Deadpool: Why are you so nice? Nicepool: Well, it costs nothing to be kind. Wolverine: Shutting the fuck up is also free. Nicepool: Caliente.

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Wolverine: Did you say you made an educated fucking wish? Deadpool: They call me "the Merc with the Mouth". They don't call me "Truthful Timmy, the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon". [Wolverine yanks his claws out of Deadpool's thigh] Wolverine: One more word. Please, give me one. Deadpool: Gubernatorial. [Wolverine raises his fist, causing Deadpool to flinch] Wolverine: You know what? You're a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you or the X-Men, and they'll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my entire life and that says a lot 'cause I've been alive for more than two hundred fucking years, and I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing: You will never save the world! You couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper! And motherfucker, I wish I could say you'd die alone, but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, EXCEPT THAT'S

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Elektra: I'm sick of this shit, sick of hiding. Let's face it, our worlds forgot about us. Gambit: Or never learned about us. Elektra: The heroes we were. Blade: Lives we saved. Gambit: Or wanted to save. Elektra: Maybe these two are our chance to be remembered the way we deserved. Deadpool: Yes. Elektra: An ending. Blade: Legacy.

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Blade: Cassandra melted the helmet. Deadpool: Fuck! Blade: After she killed him. Deadpool: Fuck! Blade: She don't play.

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Laura: I got to have a life because of you. I got to grow up because of you. A lot of kids did. Wolverine: A lot of kids didn't grow up because of me. Trust me, kid, I'm no hero. Laura: That suit says different. Wolverine: You like it? Scott used to beg me to wear it. So did Jean, Storm, Beast. All of 'em. They wanted me to be part of the team, but I wouldn't. Told 'em they all look fuckin' ridiculous, and... I couldn't have 'em thinking I wanted to be there. And one day, while I was off on my own, the humans came and went mutant hunting. Laura: I can guess the rest. Wolverine: No, no, let... Let me say it. I, I need to say it. By the time I stumbled home, shitfaced from the bar, it was too late. They were dead, every... And this suit's all I've got to remind me of who they were. And what I did.

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Logan: I walked away. They called after me, and I... I walked away. I always do. Cassandra: I know. But that's not all you did, is it? You found them. The X-Men. Logan: Dead. Piled like wood. Cassandra: What did you do? Logan: I started killing. And I couldn't stop. I didn't wanna stop. Cassandra: All those bad men... Logan: It's not just the bad ones. Cassandra: My little animal. Logan: I turned the whole world against the X-Men. Just once, I wanna be the man that Charles thought I was.

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Pyro: Oh-ho-ho, you have no idea what it's like! Day after day, shovel the shit, "fetch the meats"! I have spent my entire exis-- Wolverine: Not everyone gets a speech.

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Cassandra: My brother loved you? Wolverine: He loved all of us. Cassandra: Must be nice. Wolverine: He would've loved you, too. If he knew about you. If he knew where you were, he would've torn a hole in the fucking universe to bring you home. Cassandra: This is my home. Wolverine: Well then at least let us save his.

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Child: Holy shit. That's Deadpool. Child 2: And that's Wolverine. Deadpool: You're damn straight it is! Fox killed him. Disney brought him back, they're gonna make him do this 'til he's 90!

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Cassandra: Now, you put all these bullets in my belly... And I'm gonna find out why. Pyro: Whoa, whoa, w-- I'll just say it! You don't have to stick your fingers in me. Jesus, just ask sometimes!

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Deadpool: [after being reunited with Dogpool] My girl! We don't have to be apart ever, ever again. Never, ever... Nicepool: [interrupts while running towards them] Sorry! Deadpool: Fuck!

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Deadpool: [about Dogpool] Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy. She can decide who her papa is. What's it gonna be, girl, huh? Original Recipe? Or Van Milder here? Nicepool: Ah, that's funny! I can gently tap the fourth wall, too. [looking directly at the camera] The Proposal. Deadpool: The fuck was that? [sounding slightly offended] Bitch, you think that's what I do?

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Deadpool: Deadpool Prime here! Our fight isn't with you! Kidpool: Hey! When I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's dick out of your mouth! Nicepool: That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest. Deadpool: Can we just be done?! Ladypool: Ooh, we're just getting started... Deadpool: No, no, no, no, no, with the whole multiverse thing! It's not great. It's just been miss after miss after miss! Look, The Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first, and they did it best -- the gays knew it! But we didn't listen! Let's just take the L and move on! Nicepool: I think it's been steadily great since Endgame!

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Hold your fire! [The Deadpool Corps stopped] Sweet little puppy.

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Deadpool: Holy shit! You save the good stuff for special occasions? Wolverine: Killing, mostly. Deadpool: What's the wind resistance on those blowjob handles? Sorry! Just a catty bitch when I'm jealous. Let's do this. Maximum effort.

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Wolverine: Whoever it is you think I am, you got the wrong guy. Laura: You were always the wrong guy. Until you weren't.

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Paradox: I warned them that they would be completely obliterated, but they went! But they went anyway, like... Like heroes. Because that's who they were. They just did what they had to do, with no concern for their own safety. The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism! Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now. Deadpool: :[offscreen, very much alive] He has risen, baby-girl! Paradox: FUCK!

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B-15: I wanna show you something. Something huge. Deadpool: That's what Scout Master Kevin used to say.

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Wade: So what are you gonna do next? Logan: I'll figure it out. I always do. Wade: Alright. So I'll probably see you around? Logan: Probably not. See you, bub.

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Vanessa: You've been busy. Wade: I did it for you. Even if you don't want me, I... I did it for you.

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Deadpool: (breaking the fourth wall) I’m tired of these absolutely vile rumors that I got Johnny killed. Let’s look at the tape. [showcases the footage of his and Logan's conversation with Johnny Storm in the Void] Johnny Storm: In the Void, you're either food for Alioth, or you work for her. Deadpool: Go on, Johnny. Johnny Storm: And I'll tell you who "her" is. Cassandra Nova. A megalomaniacal, psychotic asshole. A finger-lickin', dead inside pixie slab of third-rate dime store nut milk. And I'll tell you what she can do! Deadpool: I'm listening. Johnny Storm: She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don't give a shit if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon! If the last thing I do in this god-forsaken, cum-gutter existence is light that fuck-box on fire, I still won't die happy. Deadpool: Holy shit, girl, you crazy! Johnny Storm: That's right, Wade. I won't be happy until I've urinated on her fre