Chelsea Handler

Award won Role or nomination

1. 1975 age 0

   Born

2. 2011 age 36

   CreditHop

3. 2012 age 37

   CreditThis Means War

• GCGary Cole2 titles
• PPPedro Pascal1 title
• MWMykelti Williamson1 title
• VGVictor Garber1 title
• RCRussell Carpenter1 title
• KCKaley Cuoco1 title
• MHMark Harelik1 title
• CBChristine Baranski1 title
• DMDakin Matthews1 title
• MPMatthew Perry1 title

• At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

  Chelsea Handler, CC BY-SA 4.0

• My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

  Chelsea Handler, CC BY-SA 4.0

• I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

  Chelsea Handler, CC BY-SA 4.0

• Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

  Chelsea Handler, CC BY-SA 4.0

• Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

  Chelsea Handler, CC BY-SA 4.0

• Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

  Chelsea Handler, CC BY-SA 4.0