Quotes

Dialogue

Stagecoach driver: ...We're here, Governor. Governor William J. LePetomane: [disembarking] Boy, do I hate traveling. [He gets in the driver's face] Hey, turkey; can I have you fired? Stagecoach driver: Nope. Local 32. Governor William J. LePetomane: [under his breath] Damned unions are strangling the West... [He notices a reporter writing it down] ...ARE YOU CRAZY!? DON'T PRINT THAT!! It'll cost me the blue-collar vote! Reporter: [observing that neither the town nor its citizens are real] Governor, these people are dummies! Governor William J. LePetomane: [not even looking] I know that. How do you think I got elected?

Dialogue

Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion / Our town is turning into...!

Dialogue

Bart: All right, folks...Now I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here, in the middle of a prairie, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night. Crowd: You bet your...! Bart: I'm hip.

Dialogue

Lili von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted? [sound of zipper opening] Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue! Bart: I hate to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're suckin' on my arm!

Dialogue

Lyle: [Taunting the mainly-black railworkers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! How about a good old nigger work song? Bart: [Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I get no kick from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused and insulted] so why then should it be true?... that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee... Lyle: Hold it, hold it! What the hell is that shit?! I meant a song! A real song! Something like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"... Lyle: Don't know that one, huh. Well how about "De Camptown Ladies"? Bart: De Camptown Ladies? Railworkers: De Camptown Ladies? Lyle: Oh, you know! "De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!" Taggart: What in the Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get some track laid, not to jump around li

Dialogue

Gabby Johnson: Hey! The sheriff is a ni... Harriet Johnson: What did he say? Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff's near. Gabby Johnson: No, gone blame it dang blammit! The sheriff is a ni...

Dialogue

Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out... Bart: ...By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane... [People start cocking guns and pointing them at Bart] ...I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rock Ridge. Reverend: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! [waving Bible] As your spiritual leader in this town, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say! Reverend: Son, you're on your own. Bart: [in a gruff voice, hauling himself by the collar and pressing the muzzle of his gun against his own neck] Hold it! The next man that makes a move, the nigger gets it. Dr. Johnson: Hold it men, he's not bluffing! [all but Howard Johnson drop their guns] Dr. Samuel Johnson: Listen to him, men; he's just crazy enough to do it! Bart: [still gruffly, to Howard] Drop it, or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head ALL OVER THIS TOWN! [minstrel voice] Oh, Lawdy-Lawd, he's desp'at! Do what he say, do what he SAY...! [Howar

Dialogue

Bart: Are we awake? Jim: [Sees Bart for the first time] We're not sure. Are we...black? Bart: Yes, we are. Jim: Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled.

Dialogue

Bart: [Jim grabs a liquor bottle] Maybe you should have something to eat first. Jim: Oh, no thanks. Food makes me sick [Takes a long drink] Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to die! Jim: [Eagerly] When?

Dialogue

Bart: What's your name? Jim: My name's Jim, but most people call me - Jim...I used to be known as the Waco Kid. Bart: The Waco Kid, he was the fastest gun in the West! Jim: [Coldly] The East, too.

Dialogue

Bart: Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what are your pleasures? What do you like to do? Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess...screw. Bart: Well let's play chess.

Dialogue

Bart: Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Mongo: Me Mongo. Bart: [hands him a card, while the men faint] Sign, please. Bart: Thank you. Mongo: [as music pauses] Mongo like candy.

Dialogue

Jim: [taunting Klansmen] Hey boys! Look what I got here! Bart: Hey, where are da white women at?

Dialogue

Taggart: I got it, I got it! Hedley Lamarr: You do? What? Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em! Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6?" I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one... Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whoppin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course. Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women? Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on! Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!

Dialogue

Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving. ...So, to close this meeting, let us read from the Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke... [a bundle of dynamite is tossed into the church through a stained-glass window] ...and DUCK! [explosion]

Dialogue

Taggart: Well, holy mother of pearl! It's that nigger that went and hit me over the head with a shovel! Now, just what do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?! Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!

Dialogue

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention. Taggart: Ditto! Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto"? "Ditto", you provincial putz?

Dialogue

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives... Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore. Hedley Lamarr: Shit-kicker...

Dialogue

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir? Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gun slinger in the West. Take this down. Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists! [Laughs hysterically and sinisterly] Taggart: [finally finding a pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir? Hedley Lamarr: [Groan!]

Dialogue

Bart: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and...Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions in Spanish dubloons at the bottom of the sea! Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons? Bart: Right on. Mongo: Mongo take chance! Mongo: Wait! Where Mongo get air? Bart: From this wonderful antique pump. Mongo: Good. Bart: [closes helmet faceplate] Good hunting! Bart: Oh. Time for my lunch break.

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Taggart: We'll head them off at the pass! Hedley Lamarr: "Head them off at the pass"? I hate that cliché!

Dialogue

Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alky. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it. Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One. Two. Three. Bart: Well, don't just stand there lookin' stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a little applause for the Waco Kid?

Dialogue

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications. Rapist: Rape, murder, arson and rape. Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice. Rapist: I like rape. Taggart: [Chuckles] He'll do. Hedley Lamarr: Charming. Sign right here. Hedley Lamarr: Very good. Badge. Next. Qualifications? Gum-chewing outlaw: Arson, armed robbery...mayhem. Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute. What have you got in your mouth? Gum-chewing outlaw: [Stops chewing] Noth-um! Hedley Lamarr: "Noth-um", eh? Lyle. Lyle: [Pulls gum out of outlaw's mouth] Gum! Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum in line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody! Gum-chewing outlaw: [panicked] ...I didn't know there was gonna be so many! [Lamarr shoots him dead] Jim: [Observing with Bart from a distance] Boy, is he strict!

Dialogue

Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor... Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you! Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking. Harriet Johnson: WE THE WHITE, GOD-FEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE... Harriet Johnson: ...wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

Dialogue

Bart: Stampeding cattle. Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime. Bart: Through the Vatican? Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here. Jim: Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after a weekly cross-burning? [scrubs at Bart's hand] See, it's coming off. Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens! [he and Jim run away]

Dialogue

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered? Innocent women and children blown to bits? We've got to protect our phoney-baloney jobs, gentleman! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately, immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!" [Other staff 'harrumph' as well] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy! Hedley Lamarr: Give the governor "harrumph"! Staff member: Harrumph! Governor William J. Le Petomane: You watch your ass.

Dialogue

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that. Governor William J. Le Petomane: What? Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned". Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is? Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that, Governor. Governor William J. Le Petomane: What? Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned". Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is? Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this. Governor William J. Le Petomane: Oh, thank you, Hedy. Hedley Lamarr: No, it's HEDLEY! Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?

Dialogue

Hedley Lamarr: ...Today, we embark on a crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the West. You will be risking only your lives, while I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Raise your right hands for the pledge. And repeat after me: I... Men: I... Hedley Lamarr: ...your name... Men: ...your name... Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks. [continues aloud] Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance... Men: ...pledge allegiance... Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr... Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr... Hedley Lamarr: THAT'S HEDLEY! Men: That's Hedley! Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil... Men: ...and to the evil... Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands. Men: ...for which he stands. Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that YOU do... SO WELL...! [Men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

Dialogue

[reading sign] "Le Petomane Throughway." Now what'll that asshole think of next? Does anybody got a dime [assorted negative responses from the men] Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes! Hurry up! Speed it up! Faster, faster! Oh, we ain't ever gonna git to Rock Ridge!

Dialogue

Buddy Bizarre: CUT! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set. Taggart: [runs up to Buddy] Piss on you! I'm workin for Mel Brooks! [Prepares to punch Buddy] Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face. Buddy Bizarre: Thank you.

Dialogue

Jim: Where you headed, cowboy? Bart: Nowhere special. Jim: Nowhere special...I always wanted to go there. Bart: Come on, then.