Quotes

Dialogue

Bill: [into the phone] Hey, asshole! This is the ultimate "fuck you"! I just poked your wife! Ernest: [into the phone] What are you talking about? Bill: Yeah, she's in my bed right now with a very big smile on her face. Ernest: Well, that's just fine by me. She's a pain in the ass! An albatross around my neck! You're welcome to her. Keep her, and may you both rot in Hell!

Dialogue

Are you a Lunatic? Are you telling me that you didn't see me coming out of this lot? There's a red light there for crying out loud! You're supposed to stop!

Dialogue

"Bonanza" is not an accurate depiction of the west.

Dialogue

You notice Little Joe never says "Hey, Pa. I'm going to go into town to get a piece of ass"?

Dialogue

Nora: If we went on a picnic, it would be fun. Ernest: I don't understand a picnic. We go someplace, we put a thing on the ground and eat. Nora: Yeah, it's nice to do that. Ernest: Why? I don't get it. It's better sitting in front of the TV. Nora: I happen to think there's something nice about a picnic. It's fun. Ernest: What's fun about it? Ants get in the food - there's bees. I don't get it. You have to drive - it takes you maybe an hour to get there. And then what do you do? You sit on the grass and eat. Why is that fun?

Dialogue

Sam: You know when I saw "Bonanza" the other day, something occured me. Ernest: Eh? Sam: You got those four guys living on the Ponderosa and you never hear them say anything about wanting to get laid. Ernest: Huh? Sam: I mean you never hear Hoss say to Little Joe, "I had such a hard-on when I woke up this morning." Ernest: No, no, no... Sam: They don't talk about broads - nothing. You never hear Little Joe say, "Hey, Hoss. I went to Virgina City and I saw a girl with the greatest ass I've ever seen in my life." They just walk around the Ponderosa: "Yes, Pa. Where's Little Joe?" Nothing about broads. I don't think I'm being too picky. But if at least once, they talked about getting horny. I don't care if you live on the Ponderosa or right here in Baltimore, guys talk about getting laid. I'm beginning to think that show doesn't have too much realism.