Quotes

Pilot [1.1]

Sarah: Why can't we just hire a babysitter like everyone else? Barb: Because we're not everyone else.

Pilot [1.1]

Bill: [seeing his father lying on the floor] Oh good lord! Lois: He's better today. He's gonna be fine. I don't know why everyone's so up in arms. Frank: [hoarsely] Don't let me die.

Pilot [1.1]

Bill: [about his father] He's gotta get to a doctor. Lois: No! Remember when he got his fingers caught in the fan? You said doctors and he was fine! Bill: He needed 23 stitches!

Pilot [1.1]

Heather: You know, when I'm 21, I really wanna go on a mission and I wish I could go to an Islamic country because I think post-9/11 that part of the world needs our help the most. Don't you think? Sarah: I think the whole world needs help.

Pilot [1.1]

[to Bill] Listen to me, son, carefully. There's man's law and there's God's law... and I think you know which side I'm on.

Viagra Blue [1.2]

Sarah: You overheard something, and you've been fishing for days. Okay? I'm a polygamist. My parents are. So what? Heather: I just wanted to let you know that I know. I just wanted to be friends. Sarah: Yeah, well now that you know, what are you gonna do? Rat me out to your State Trooper father? Heather: Probably. You know, because I tell him everything. [Sarah stares in horror] Why does everyone think I don't have a sense of humor?

Viagra Blue [1.2]

[to Barb, about Margie and Bill having loud sex] Can you believe it? It's like a train whistle!

Viagra Blue [1.2]

Lois: [about Frank's arsenic poisoning] How can he suspect me when I didn't do anything? That's crazy! Bill: Fine, fine. So who is gonna pick him up? Lois: Why don't you go pick him up? Bill: I hate him as much as you do. Lois: Then maybe you did it!

Viagra Blue [1.2]

Bill: There's one more thing. My house is three houses. Ronnie: What, rentals? Bill: No, I live in all three houses. Ronnie: In all three? Bill: With my family, they're connected... Ronnie: All three houses? Bill: That's right. Big family.

Viagra Blue [1.2]

[to Margene] I've been thinking about you. We are links to eternity. Ahead of us, family yet to come, souls to be born; behind us, ancestors — ancestors who sacrificed. We are making those sacrifices to live the principle, to keep faith. Margie, you are a valued member of this family. We weren't complete, not until you. You made us complete. I wasn't complete until you, and our fine sons. What happened was a mistake. It'll never happen again, all right? All right?

Home Invasion [1.3]

Lois: And this new girl, this Margene you call her. Bill: We call her Margene because that's her name!

Home Invasion [1.3]

Bill: [about the size of the guest list for Wayne's birthday party] Are you crazy?! How many people?! Nicki: Just immediate family!... [pause] 153.

Home Invasion [1.3]

[to Bill, about Nicki] I would never, ever tell you how to run your affairs--she's your wife--but she's always needed a firm hand. She takes well to a good smacking. You too, Barb--just give her a nice little swat!

Home Invasion [1.3]

Sarah: What's it like being married? Rhonda: It's a pre-marriage placement. That's what it's called now, to get around the law until I'm 16. Rhonda: I wasn't forced! [smugly] The other sister-wives hate me because old Roman likes me best. Sarah: Do you love him? Rhonda: He's sweet to me. The greatest freedom we have is obedience.

Eclipse [1.4]

Margie: [half asleep] Where's Nicki? Bill: What?? Margie: It's Nicki's night. You gotta go. Nicki: Honey, what are you doing here? Bill: It's our night! Nicki: It was. Didn't you get my message? See the Post-It? Bill: Post-It? Nicki: I traded with Barb.

Eclipse [1.4]

[to Donna] You know what, I've upped my standards, so up yours.

Eclipse [1.4]

Barb: [seeing Nicki come home carrying several shopping bags] How's the "family emergency" going? Margie: Yeah, somebody die at The Gap?

Eclipse [1.4]

Bill: [to Ben, instructing him for the hunting trip] Hey, remember tomorrow: no deodorant, no soap, no mouthwash. Sarah: [chuckles] Like you really have to tell him that.

Eclipse [1.4]

Ben: How do you know if God's talking to you or if you're just talking to yourself? Bill: That's one of the most important challenges in life.

Affair [1.5]

Ben: I think about sex all the time! Brynn: But that's good. Ben: No, I can't control it. I get hard-ons in woodshop!

Affair [1.5]

Nicki: [about Bill] He's been so happy! And he saw me in the car and pretended he didn't see me. And then he gave us flowers to throw me off the trail. I mean, don't you see? Do you see it? Wanda: You don't think he's...? Nicki: He is, yes! He is seeing a fourth wife. This is exactly what he did when he got interested in Margene. Honestly, I knew even before I knew, you know? Wanda: It's so easy to see through them. They're kind of cute that way.

Affair [1.5]

Nicki: You're the weak link, Margie. Margie: What? Nicki: We have to be realistic. You can't keep a secret like me and you're not a good liar like Barb. Barb: [alarmed] What do you mean I'm a good liar? Nicki: With the neighbors. You're so effortless; you're pro.

Affair [1.5]

Margie: [to her son who's prancing around with no pants on] Aaron! [to Pam] I'm sorry, he just discovered his penis. Pam: Don't they all!

Roberta's Funeral [1.6]

[to Peg] I don't like the sneaking around. [pause] Actually, I love the sneaking around; it is so exciting.

Roberta's Funeral [1.6]

Barb: I'm having an affair. Peg: With who? Barb: Bill. Peg: Your husband Bill?

Roberta's Funeral [1.6]

Margie: Your father said we cannot call a plumber. Ben: I know. Margie: Do you think he's a cheapskate? Ben: Umm, I believe the word is thrifty.

Roberta's Funeral [1.6]

Nicki: [thinking about baby names] What do you think of the name Noel? Bill: I think it says "Kick me and take my lunch money."

Roberta's Funeral [1.6]

Nicki: [about Barb] Do you think she's happy for me? About the baby? Margie: Of course. She loves babies. Sometimes I think she wishes my boys were hers. Nicki: Sometimes I think they wish the same thing.

Eviction [1.7]

Sarah: How's Seminary? Made friends with the other brainwashees? Ben: Don't call them brainwashed. Sarah: Why not? Ben: I don't like it. Sarah: Good. You still have an opinion.

Eviction [1.7]

Barb: [about sneaking sex] We can't keep doing what we're doing. Bill: But I need you. Barb: You have me.

Eviction [1.7]

Barb: Who's that? Bill: Just Nicki. Barb: Oh. What'd she want? Bill: No, nothing. [pause] She's ovulating.

Eviction [1.7]

Bill: I promise you, you will not have the baby in this motel. Wanda: Oh, I could give birth in a potato patch, I'd survive. It's Joey I'm worried about.

Eviction [1.7]

Heather: You know, I really have some strong opinions about polygamy and I would love to sit down and talk to you about it one day. Barb: Wuhh... We should do that sometime.

Easter [1.8]

[to Sarah] Aren't you so thoughtful? You didn't used to be. When you were two you slapped me. I didn't like you for a very long time.

Easter [1.8]

[to Nicki] We all spend like there's no tomorrow, which we were told there wouldn't be on three occasions. But your father's revelations have been a little off the mark lately.

Easter [1.8]

Wanda: [to Barb, about Frank] I wouldn't let him in your house if I were you. He makes Joey crazy, Bill hates him, and he doesn't pee in the toilet. Nicki: Bill's not very good about lifting the seat either. Wanda: No, Nicki. He pees in the sink.

Easter [1.8]

[to Bill, about Lois] What are you being over-protective of her for? She's like one of Roman's Humvees, you know. The woman is a tank!

Easter [1.8]

Frank: [to Joey] I'll have some beans there, Fumbles. Wanda: I told you, old man, you lay off Joey or else. Frank: Or else what? Wanda: Or else I'll finish the job someone else started: I'll kill you!

A Barbecue for Betty [1.9]

Nicki: I love you, Bill. Bill: I love you, too. Nicki: How much? Bill: I say it's astronomical, beyond all measure. Nicki: I have $58,000 in debt.

A Barbecue for Betty [1.9]

Margie: Benny, do you remember a few years ago, a vote about me? Ben: Which one? Margie: The one about me joining the family. Ben: Which one?

A Barbecue for Betty [1.9]

[to Bill] It hurts to see you lie, Dad. I hate that about this life. Watching you and Mom hide, all of us having to hide.

The Baptism [1.10]

Margie: I am a terrible wife. I should've never married your father. And your mother. Sarah: And Nicki. Margie: Especially Nicki.

The Baptism [1.10]

Nicki: Margene, you're grounded. Margie: Excuse me? Nicki: Or you're on probation. You do not involve our kids in your filthy habits. Margie: No, no way. You have no authority over me. Nicki: Authority? Wait just one minute. I'm second, you're third, get it? Margie: Second's not first. It's nothing.

The Baptism [1.10]

Polygamy one hundred years ago was quaint; polygamy today is foul.

The Baptism [1.10]

Bill, when I married into this family I guess I must have thought I was just marrying you. And now I realize I was marrying all of you. I was marrying sisters, my sisters. That was my choice, and I'd make that choice all over again right now. And I know, I know I've made a lot of mistakes lately, and... alright, maybe always, but I can get better. I will, because, because I wanna be with you guys forever, too. Cause I love you guys and I need you guys. And I never ever want to not be in this family, here or in heaven.

Where There's a Will [1.11]

Rhonda: Adaleen, did you take your vitamins? Adaleen: Yes. Rhonda: Cause you forget. Adaleen: Well, I didn't. Nicolette: I don't know how you deal with her. Adaleen: I love her and we are all equals. But, last night, I did dream I was trying to push her out the car door while driving along at a pretty quick clip

Where There's a Will [1.11]

Margie: [to Barb and Nicki] I'm happy. I love you both so much. Nicki: You're overheated. Put on a hat.

Where There's a Will [1.11]

Ernest Holloway: [about the UEB Council] They also talked about negotiating a contract with NASA to sell clay from one of the mines we own in Moab for the heat shields on the shuttle. Bill: They don't believe we even went to the moon and yet they're in business with the agency that didn't go there.

Where There's a Will [1.11]

Barb: I do not want the kids to go to the compound! Nicki: All the kids or just your kids? Barb: Any kids and certainly not mine. And mine include yours!

Where There's a Will [1.11]

Governor's Aide: Your charity work was important, to be sure, but truthfully it was your cancer that sealed the deal. The first lady is trying to shine a light on survivorship this year. You and your fellow finalists are all survivors. Barb: So many people are. Governor's Aide: True, but most are merely tumors. Luckily for you, yours had metastasized.

The Ceremony [1.12]

[to Rhonda] The competition is over. Of course I found out. What kind of sister-wife do you take me for? Get in. Your little Roman holiday is over.

The Ceremony [1.12]

Barb: Has she said anything to you about what she's wearing? Margie: Nuh-uh. Barb: Just try to get her to wear something a little more...I mean, she sticks out like a sore thumb. Margie: Oh... Barb: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's like walking into the Governor's mansion with a sign that says "Practicing Polygamist." She'll never listen to it coming from me, she'll think I'm attacking her. I mean, even just offer to do her hair.

The Ceremony [1.12]

Rhonda: Why did they pick Barb? Is she more important than you two? Margie: Uh, no. Rhonda: Well, was there something lacking in you two? Nicki: Only one person can be mother of the year. Teenie nominated Barb, so that's how it happened. Here. Rhonda: What is it? Nicki: Breakfast. To go. Rhonda: You're irritable, Nicki. Try to find time for a nap this afternoon.

Damage Control [ 2.01]

[to Barb, about polygamy] I don't think anybody knows, Mom, and not everybody cares.

The Writing on the Wall [2.02]

Nicki: I didn't marry for love. I married for the principle. Barb: I didn't. I tried. I don't know if I have a testimony for the principle. But I love you, I love our family more and more. Nicki: That frightens me. I don't know that a marriage based on love can go the distance. The secret holiness of the institution. The sanctity of marriage. Without it, it's just random couplings, with no purpose or stick-to-it-iveness. How will we survive the bad times on just love?

The Writing on the Wall [2.02]

[to Margie] Poor Joey and Wanda. They're all they've got. No other spouses to lean on. How are they going to make it through this crisis with only each other?

Dating Game [2.06]

You're my wife, Margene. You can't be seeing the girl I'm dating.

Good Guys and Bad Guys [2.07]

Nicki doesn't have a mom anymore, so she's trying to steal mine.

Kingdom Come [2.08]

Margie: Nicki, can I tell you a secret? Nicki: If you must.

Oh, Pioneers [2.12]

The believers believe in me.

Oh, Pioneers [2.12]

[about Ben] I don't want his respect, I want his love.

For Better or for Worse [3.05]

Ana makes me feel normal, like choosing this life wasn't a mistake.

Come, Ye Saints [3.06]

Wayne: He was really scary, Mom! Nicki: All Baptists are, honey.

Come, Ye Saints [3.06]

Nicki: This guy from work? He's a real mover and a shaker, Wanda. He totally made up an excuse to call me yesterday. I think he was flirting with me. Do you think? Wanda: Has he chased you at night? Has he tried to put you in the trunk? Nicki: He's not really like that. He wears cardigans. Wanda: That sounds serious! You're a married woman, you can't be talking about another man's cardigans!

Outer Darkness [3.09]

If someone needs a letter to validate their faith, what does that say about their faith?

Free at Last [4.01]

My destiny has been fulfilled and God shall punish anyone who blocks my glory.

The Greater Good [4.02]

We have to defend our most fundamental beliefs no matter the consequences nor matter the sacrifices.

The Greater Good [4.02]

Don: You know a testimony is true by the peace it is giving to your soul - are you feeling that peace? Bill: No.

Strange Bedfellows [4.03]

Clark: You're pushing your luck. Bill: That's what I do Clark.

Strange Bedfellows [4.03]

[to Marilyn] Lady, at this point I wouldn't give you $1000 if you were Nancy Reagan herself.

Strange Bedfellows [4.03]

[to Dale] I am not gay. Homosexuality is a sin. We were just fooling around.

The Mighty and Strong [4.04]

Ben: I just thought it would be best if I left for a while. Bill: I was just thinking the same thing.

The Mighty and Strong [4.04]

My husband abandoned me... I'm just a single mom with three kids trying to sell shiny things.

Sins of the Father [4.05]

Why would anyone want to be a Democrat when we have all the fun?

Sins of the Father [4.05]

Bill: I don't hate you, I just don't want to get into bed with you. Marilyn: Well that's definitely not on the menu.

Sins of the Father [4.05]

Barb: You just flirted your way into our marriage as a baby sitter and now you are a cradle robber. Margie: F-you Barb!

Under One Roof [4.06]

Alby: People are trying to turn us against each other. I am not the devil. Dale: I know you're not.

Under One Roof [4.06]

[to Bill] Everything is for a greater good - is it really for us or are you trying to fix something that's broken in you?

Blood Atonement [4.07]

Businesses come and go - Family stays. And I want to make sure your needs are taken care of.

Next Ticket Out [4.08]

You write out whatever you want me to say and I will say it - especially since I have no voice of my own.

Next Ticket Out [4.08]

A woman can't have two husbands - it's just unnatural.

End of Days [4.09]

[to Bill] I've needed you for twenty years and I don't think I need you anymore

End of Days [4.09]

At least my sins are my own, I don't use God to justify them.

End of Days [4.09]

And you're religion I think is bullshit - just another excuse for fucking around.

End of Days [4.09]

You're like a big pinata Bill. Every time I give you a whack, more goodies fall out.

End of Days [4.09]

[Election night speech] I'm Bill Henrickson, and I believe in the principle of plural marriage. I am a polygamist.

Winter [5.01]

I've gone and torn my family apart and I'm truly sorry.

Winter [5.01]

I'm a different person now and I won't go back to being small.

Winter [5.01]

Michael: You look about as sad as sad can be. Margie: I'm just not having a very good day. Michael: Don't you know, there's no such thing as bad days. Just days we haven't seized our opportunities.

Winter [5.01]

[about Margene] I've given up. I've tried everything and my actual sympathy is wearing thin.

Winter [5.01]

Now it's time to go back and pick up our lives...we have each other.

A Seat at the Table [5.02]

Bill: I don't want you drinking in front of the children. Barb: You're not gonna shame me and turn me into a closet drinker.

A Seat at the Table [5.02]

Bill Hendrickson, you are a liar. You are a liar because you lie.

A Seat at the Table [5.02]

[to Nikki] Sometimes we have to walk from the past and sometimes we have to embrace it. Heaven help us know the difference.

A Seat at the Table [5.02]

Barb: Marge, do you like a blessing? Margie: Blessing? Barb: Yeah, just a small one. But, sometimes we ache in only ways our heavenly father could help us with.

Certain Poor Shepherds [5.03]

Barb: We're not holy. We're all unholy. Bill: No. That is absolutely untrue.

Certain Poor Shepherds [5.03]

Alby: How dare you come between a priesthood holder and his wife and children. Bill: You're not worthy to be anyone's priesthood holder.

Certain Poor Shepherds [5.03]

I lied about my age. I wasn't 18 when we got married I was 16.

The Oath [5.04]

Margie: What we have is good. It's always been good. Why are we so ashamed of it now? Barb: Because you were 16 years old and you were in bed with my husband.

The Oath [5.04]

Nicki: You're evil. Alby: I'm evil? You and your husband have taken my family from me.

The Oath [5.04]

Margie: I've noticed things have changed. You don't look at me when we are having sex. Bill: That's not true. Margie: Yes it is. You're not even looking at me now.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. [5.06]

Bill: What is it that you want? What is it that you have to have? Barb: I've never asked for myself anything in all these years.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. [5.06]

[to Barb] Right now I'd like to punch you in your face.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. [5.06]

First time in our marriage I am worried. This paper divorce is feeling a lot like a real divorce.

Til Death Do Us Part [5.07]

[to Margene] Heavenly father got all the pieces right when he made you.

Til Death Do Us Part [5.07]

Adaleen: State marriages have no meaning to me. Nicki: Well, they have meaning to me. Adaleen: We're on separate paths, Nicolette.

The Noose Tightens [5.08]

This is who we are. This is who we always will be. I don't want to kill you Nicki, you're my sister.

The Noose Tightens [5.08]

You might have to hide the Draino Bill, because I might drink it.

Exorcism [5.09]

[to Nikki] If I lose you. If I lose any of you, I lose everything.

Exorcism [5.09]

[to Cara Lynn] Stop talking about love. People like you don't deserve love.

Exorcism [5.09]

Margie: You have to tell them Nikki. You have to tell them now. Nicki: Her tutor seduced her. Cara Lynn: That's not true. If Greg seduced me, Bill seduced Margene.

When Men and Mountains Meet [5.10]

We step out of the shadows and demand our time in the sun.

When Men and Mountains Meet [5.10]

[to Barb] I built this church for you when you were ex-communicated. You know how much it kills me that you can't find a home in it.

When Men and Mountains Meet [5.10]

I was so unformed when I came into this marriage Bill. I now know what I want to do and I'm so afraid that it's too late.