New Girl

So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh, my God. There's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on, in the dark." And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.

New Girl, CC BY-SA 4.0

Nick: My life's filled with regret. Jessica: You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. Nick: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time. Jessica: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. Nick: No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that. Jessica: Why not? It's fun. Nick: Because I have a penis.

New Girl, CC BY-SA 4.0

Jess: $550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go. [Writes something down on a piece of paper] Pawnshop guy: You drew a smiley face. Jess: I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids. Pawnshop guy: For the kids, $550. Jess: I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawnshops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of, and I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or—let's be honest—sexually. I'll just... just get out of here. [suddenly attempts to steal the TV, which happens to be too heavy for her] Pawnshop guy: Are you trying to rob me?

New Girl, CC BY-SA 4.0

Spencer: You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live. Nick: You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to... Jess: I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them. Nick: I would just take it easy with the love stuff. Schmidt: Come on, the love stuff. Jess: All of them.

New Girl, CC BY-SA 4.0

Schmidt: No! Nick: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess! Schmidt: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?" Jess: [in a British accent] Probaby the slut butler, right?

New Girl, CC BY-SA 4.0

Nick: Uh, Jess, this is Caroline. Caroline: Hi. Jess: One more time. Cara-lee? Caroline: Uh, Caroline. Jess: Caraloo? Coraline? Nick: Caroline. Jess: Oh, okay. Fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep. So much doing it. Nick: So much doing it. It's crazy. Jess: He's so soft, like a towel. Caroline: Well, it was nice to meet you. Jess: So nice to meet you, too, Carol. Caroline: Caroline. Jess: I give up!

New Girl, CC BY-SA 4.0