Private Parts

Wait! Wait! Is that it? What, the movie's over? Oh, yeah? That's bullshit! Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm Stuttering John. And you know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why. I've been getting up at 4:00 every morning to work for Howard. I've been pissing off every publicist, burning every freakin' bridge in the industry, And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie! No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie! I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his friggin' potato! I've been smacked around by Morton Downey, punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get? I get fucking nothing! That's what I get! I'm not even in this fucking movie! He's says I'll be in the sequel! Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks? Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel!

Private Parts (1997 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Howard: Irene...the weather girl. Irene, are you there? Irene: It's cold, real cold, but your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping. Tongue. What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot? Howard: Yeah. Irene, thank you for the weather forecast. Irene: Shut up. Howard: We hope to hear from you tomorrow...Give us some more weather. Irene: Bite me, you loser.

Private Parts (1997 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Alison: Howard...I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl. OK? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person with a somewhat abnormal job. That I can accept. I deal with abnormality every single day. I don't need everything in my life to be normal. And on the air, you do what you do. That's your job. But off the air, for me to be in this marriage...I need to know I'm the only one. And I'm not saying that to pressure you. I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself. So... if you need more time or whatever... Howard: I don't need any more time. I am just so madly in love with you. I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life. I never wanted anyone else in my life. All I want is you. I just want you to forgive me. Thanks for coming back.

Private Parts (1997 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Howard: I feel like such a loser. Alison: It's not your fault. It was a lame station. Howard: Yeah, it was my fault. Alison: You can't blame a radio station. Howard: It's my screwup. Alison: In what way? Howard: In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way. Alison: You didn't go all the way before? Howard: No. I mean...No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back. Alison: Then I guess you should go all the way.

Private Parts (1997 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Howard: Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny? Robin: Sometimes.

Private Parts (1997 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Howard: Hi, honey. Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua. Alison: [taking off her clothes] Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. Snap to it. I'm ovulating. Howard: I'm in the middle of important show research. Alison: Howard, seriously, come on. Howard: You know what? You're getting baby fever here. And you know, maybe it's a little premature. I'm about two days away from being fired, the way I figure it. And do you want to know something? You got to think about the economics of this. Alison: You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. At any minute, you're gonna be number one. Howard: Is that so? Alison: Yeah! Strip! Howard: Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. You're completely on fire about having a baby. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. I mean, I have to be romanced. Alison: Oh, yeah. Please. Howard: Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that? Alison: You like this? Howard: OK. That's it. That's it! I am making a baby! It's baby time! I'm read

Private Parts (1997 film), CC BY-SA 4.0