Meet the Spartans

A Spartan elder inspects three babies. The first, an ugly, talking baby ogre, is abandoned to die for its deformity; while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopt the second, who is Vietnamese. The third, Leonidas, is accepted as a Spartan for his already-present muscular physique and is prepared for kinghood through brutal training. As an adult, Leonidas is cast out into the wild, survives the harsh winter, and hunts down a gangsta penguin named Mumble. Returning as king for his inauguration wearing a penguin skin hat, Leonidas sees Margo erotically dancing and asks her to marry him, to which she responds by giving him the combination to her armor-plated chastity belt. Years later, Leonidas is training his son when Captain informs him that a Persian messenger has arrived. Accompanied by the Spartan politician Traitoro, the messenger presents Persian King Xerxes' demands for Sparta's submission. After growing angry with both the messenger's disrespect and finding him making out with his wife, Leonidas kicks him into a pit. Despite Traitoro's advice that the messenger's guards are now needed to convey the actual message, Leonidas kicks them in as well, along with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Sanjaya Malakar, Ryan Seacrest, and the American Idol judges Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul. Resolving to face the Persians, Leonidas visits the prophets and gives them medicines such as Neutrogena as their price for their consultation. They advise him that he should consult the Oracle for any advice. The Oracle Ugly Betty reveals that Leonidas will die should he go to war. After deciding while spending the night with his wife, Leonidas meets the soldiers assembled for his departure to Thermopylae, and finds that only thirteen were accepted in the army due to stringent requirements. Among them are Captain, his son Sonio, and a slightly unfit Spartan named Dilio. Once at the Hot Gates, they encounter a deformed Paris Hilton, who tells Leonidas and the Captain about a secret goat path above the Hot Gates that Xerxes could use to outflank the Spartans. When she asks to be made a Spartan soldier, Leonidas rejects her as unqualified because she cannot use a spear correctly. Leonidas and his platoon soon face off with Xerxes' messenger and his Immortals, beating them in a dance contest before driving them off a cliff. Xerxes, impressed, personally approaches Leonidas and attempts to bribe him with a trip to the Palms Hotel and Casino. Leonidas declines, and the Spartans face the Persian army in a "Yo Momma" fight, which the Spartans win, but Dilio has his eyes scratched out and wanders away. Deciding to betray the Spartans, Hilton tells Xerxes where the goat path is in return for various gifts and for having her deformed hump removed. Xerxes meets the twelve remaining Spartans and the war begins. Meanwhile, back in Sparta, Queen Margo has several confrontations with Traitoro, as he is the vital vote in sending more troops to assist her husband. Following her address to the council, Traitoro publicly betrays the Queen, who then battles him in a parody of Spider-Man 3 and defeats him using a dust buster. With Traitoro's deceit exposed, the council is united with the queen. At the Battle of Thermopylae, the Persians introduce their secret weapons, Ghost Rider and Rocky Balboa, who kills Sonio with a decapitating uppercut. Captain avenges him with Botox poisoning before being struck down by Xerxes. Leonidas pursues Xerxes and plays Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Managing to find the "Transformer Cube", Xerxes uses it in a car to become Xerxestron and shows off his powers to access the "Leave Britney Alone!" video on YouTube. However, Xerxestron accidentally trips on his extension cord and falls on Leonidas and the surviving Spartans, killing them. The blind surviving Dilio eventually returns to Sparta to inform Queen Margo of Leonidas's death. A year later, Dilio leads a new, larger Spartan force to defeat the Persians, but the blind warrior ends up going the wrong way. They end up in Malibu, where they knock Lindsay Lohan down as she is leaving rehab again instead. The film ends with the characters singing "I Will Survive" on the American Idol stage, as the credits appear.

Plot from Meet the SpartansCC BY-SA 4.0