Quotes

Others

Santa: Dear Arthur, what a puzzle. Ernie: Look, everyone, it's Arthur! He's delivering the present! Chief de Silva: Friends, on this night of peace, we stand confronted by an unknown danger: aliens. Aliens from space. Peter: [after learning about Arthur being the new Santa] You know, I've always liked Arthur. Ya think he likes espresso?

Dialogue

Grandsanta: We've got to get you down there, lad! Arthur: They'll see us! We'll be stopped! Grandsanta: [takes Arthur's slipper] Give me that! Arthur: What are you doing? Grandsanta: It's Evie they're after. She doesn't fit this world, Arthur. She's a relic. Arthur: [surprised] Evie?! Grandsanta: I always knew she'd be needed one more time. You go on! We'll let them have her. Bryony: You're coming too? Grandsanta: You were right, Arthur. It doesn't matter how Santa's gift gets there. [referring to Steve and the S-1] Doesn't even matter if it's Mr. Postman in his spaceship. Arthur: [smiles with confidence] As long as it gets there. Grandsanta: You made it happen, lad. No one got left out. [Arthur hugs him, laughing] Get off! Now, do as I say.

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Grandsanta: [referring to Steve] Tell him I'm not here! Bryony: Grandsanta says he's not here. Steve: Hi, I'm looking for a missing relic. Grandsanta: Steve, 3 words. Steve: Is the first one "help"? Arthur: Yes. You can help us, Steve! Grandsanta: It was him! Frosty the Madman, he forced me to come! [to Bryony] Elf, back me up if you want a career. Arthur: I forced you? Grandsanta: Ya see?! Look! Steve: What did you want, Grandsanta? Let me guess. Hmm, a picture of you in the sleigh delivering the gift to show me how it's really done? Grandsanta: [puts away camera] No. Steve: You know the picture they'll have tomorrow? You lead away in handcuffs! The Santa who was seen by everybody on Earth. The Santa who ruined Christmas. Peter: [tauntingly] Ruined it! Grandsanta: We'll fix this, Steve. We'll be back home in a wobble of a reindeer's buttocks. A-And Evie can go back in mothballs. You can forget she ever existed. Arthur: You can't just go home! [pulls away the reins] What about Gwen?! S

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Steve: [grabs the present] Gimme that! [Grandsanta grabs it too] I'm Santa! I'm delivering it! Grandsanta: Don't be silly. I'm Santa! Can't you see from me suit? Santa: I am actually Santa, and I think it would best if... Steve: [interrupts Santa] I'm Santa! You handed over! Santa: I didn't, in fact. Technically... Steve: [interrupts Santa again] You said I could drive! Grandsanta: I am Santa, you naughty boys. Here, have a bonbon. Arthur: [interrupts them as Gwen wakes up] Ssssssshhhhh...! Gwen: [offscreen] It's Christmas! Arthur: Please! Gwen just has to have a present from Santa. Santa: [hands Arthur the present] You do it, Arthur.

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Arthur: It just can't be. It can't. It just can't be. It j-just CAN'T BE! Oh... [accidentally knocks over a snow globe] Grandsanta: [having overheard the commotion] What's all this kadoodle, young man? Arthur: Grandsanta, it's this little girl, she's been missed! Grandsanta: HA! So much for your brother's fancy-pants technology! Arthur: Steve and Dad racked their brains but said it's impossible. Grandsanta: Is it now? Missed a child? Dear, oh dear. Sends shivers down me shins. Arthur: In two hours, she's gonna wake up, tear downstairs, search under the tree, and... that look on her face. [frowns sadly] But there's nothing there. She won't understand. She'll think she's the one kid on the whole world that Santa doesn't care about. She'll feel so... left out. [straightens the portrait of him sitting on Malcolm's lap] On Christmas night, he comes. Gwen can't not have a present from Santa! Grandsanta: Do you know, Arthur, there is a way. Arthur: It's impossible. Grandsanta: They used to sa

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Ernie Clicker: What the…? [turns around and spots Arthur cycling through Trelew on Gwen's bike] Look, everyone! It's Arthur! He's delivering the present! Elves: It's Arthur! North Pole Computer: MELTDOWN PAUSED.

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Steve: [enters the S-1] Okay, so I'm not great with children. Does that make me a bad Santa? You're hardly perfect. Let me guess: You put in the address, saw a list of Trelews and clicked on the first one? You're just like Arthur! Santa: [stunned] Am I? Computer: North Pole incoming. Elf 1: Sir the soldiers have shot the sleigh! [Margaret gasps] Elf 2: But sir, it's Arthur! He's still going! Santa: [amazed] Arthur?

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Arthur: Dad, wait! Please, let's... [gestures to the door] Santa: [joins Arthur] Oh. In all my years, I've never actually... Always so busy. [Steve comes up beside them] Too busy. I'm not good at... [pats his sons on the back, they both look at him] In my day, a pat on the back and a walnut went a long way. Gwen: Come on! It's downstairs! [she runs down the stairs] I think it's under the tree. [her parents follow, she tears the wrapping] I can see pink. [Santa, Grandsanta, Steve and Arthur watch as Gwen opens her present] It's a BIKE! Santa brought me the bike I wanted! Can I have a go? Please, please, please? Santa: Steve, you deserve to be Santa. [Steve gasps and looks at the Santa figure Arthur earlier gave him] But Steve, I wonder... if Gwen is right. [looks at Arthur] Gwen: [as she rides her bike] Careful, I'm gonna bump into you! Steve: [considers for a moment then holds out the figure to Arthur] I'll be the candle, eh? [Arthur gasps as he realizes the implications] Grandsanta: [

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Steve: [watches the footage of Grandsanta and Arthur departing the North Pole aboard Evie] The old sleigh? What is happening here?! It was supposed to be chopped up for firewood decades ago. How on earth did that devious...? Peter: [interrupts Steve] Old people, sir. Shall I get you your stress ball? Steve: We have a finer comms array than the Pentagon, and you're saying we can't contact them unless by some crazy, ancient... [interrupted once again] Ernie: [offscreen] Toodle-ooh! Here comes the cavalry! [An elderly elf, probably as old as Grandsanta comes hobbling down the Communications Center pushing a Signalator device] Peter: Ernie Clicker, sir. Ernie: Head of Polar Communications for 46 missions. Oh crikey-blikey! Me and your granddad saw some times. I remember once... Steve: [interrupts Ernie and puts him in the chair] Wow, must catch up soon. Now. Ernie: Oh, you're in a hurry. I can tell. Steve: Oh, this is ridiculous. Could we hurry this? Ernie: Oh, you can't rush the Signalato

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Grandsanta: Poor Evie. Sun'll be up soon. It's Christmas! Arthur: Christmas is for kids. You grow out of it. Bryony: What, in the last 6 minutes? Arthur: [scoffs] I know what you all say about me, you know. [as an elf] "He belongs in the South Pole." [as Santa] "Dear Arthur, what a puzzle." [in his normal voice] Well, you were right. All that fuss over one kid, I was being ridiculous. [lies down] This is nice. It's good to get away from it all, you know? All the Christmas fuss. Grandsanta: [gets up and sits next to Arthur] I'm sorry I messed things up, lad. You see, the night I last took Evie out, when there was all that...fuss, your father came to me. I'll never forget it. Couldn't look me in the eye. "Dad", he says. "Steve thinks it’s best you don't fly again. We're scrapping the sleigh." Me own son...who used to sit where you sat looking up at me. [Arthur looks away] I just wanted them to remember who I used to be. I was a bit like you, lad. Keen as cranberry. So was your dad. You g

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Scottish Elf: It's like 1816! Elf: Abandon the North Pole! North Pole Computer: Are you sure you want to delete Christmas? [the elf hits "yes" and a 10-minute countdown starts to meltdown]

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Arthur: [grunting and singing] Jingle bells / This boat smells / 3,000 miles to go Grandsanta: Oh, dear. I've seen this before. Sleigh fever, they call it. Pressure of Christmas sends a man doolally tap. Santa Claus XVI got it, 1802. Every child that year got a sausage nailed to a piece of bark. Bryony: Arthur, do you really think you can row the Atlantic Ocean in the next... 37 minutes? Arthur: [grunts with all his might to keep on rowing] It's not... too late... yet. I just... have to keep... going. Grandsanta: We need a blunt instrument. Knock him out and regroup. GPS: Make a legal U-turn, then slight right in 4,228 miles. Bryony: You do know we're going round in circles? Grandsanta: You know, we're not the only ones. Maybe I will see Evie again. Arthur: [stops rowing] What do you mean? Grandsanta: Reindeer are brave, powerful beasts, but they're also dappled cretins with twigs on their heads. They'll just keep going in a straight-line right round the world. They'll be way up in the

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Grandsanta: [to Arthur, while looking up at the night sky, being unsure if Arthur can get the sleigh back, and holding a ribbon and anchor] You? Up there? Catch that with this? Arthur: [to Bryony] Magic dust. Bryony: [hands the magic dust to Arthur] You crack it over your head. You'll have to focus. The sleigh will be coming at you at 45,000 miles an hour. Arthur: 45,000 miles an hour?! Grandsanta: You'll be torn in half! Bryony: Depends on the angle the sleigh hits. You might just get beheaded. Arthur: [scared and anxious] I've got a phobia of being beheaded and heights and speed and reindeer and... buttons. Bryony: [confused] Buttons? Arthur: Yeah, I'm pretty much scared of everything. [to himself] Gwen thinks you are coming. You can't do this. Yes, you can! No, you can't. Yes, you can! Come on, Arthur! Grandsanta: Don't worry. Only a raving lunatic-- Arthur: I have to worry! It's the only thing I'm good at! [gets an idea] Worry me. Bryony: The sleigh will be back any minute! Arthur:

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Santa: Alright, um... 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew. [the S-1's rocks and oxygen masks are knocked out] Margaret: Really, Malcolm, there's no harm in using a manual. Men. Santa: Margaret, I order you to disembark. It's not safe. [he makes the S-1 rock again] Margaret: Piffle. I did a microlight flying course on the Internet. [she stabilizes the S-1] It can't be that different. Santa: Oh. Steve. Steve: [the S-1 rocks with him in it] You've dented it! You take it out without asking? Margaret: Malcolm, you told me he knew. You know how Steve feels about his S-1. Santa: [as he makes the S-1 rock twice] It's my S-1. S for "Santa". I'm flying to this child. Steve: Of course she's all that matters, not me, your son! Not the 2 billion things I did right tonight, no! Santa: This is about that pool table, isn't it? I told you; you should have written to me! Steve: I was 8! You're my dad! Margaret: For goodness' sake! [stomps her thermos] Arthur and Grandsanta are out there, probably not wearing nearl

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Grandsanta: [hides in the back seat of the sleigh from the authorities at the wrong Trelew] It's like that terrible night all over again! Arthur: What night? Grandsanta: The last time I took Evie out for a spin! I didn't know it was the ! I nearly started World War III!

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Grandsanta: Christmas has gone right down the rodney hole. [points at Steve and refers to the S-1] You're a postman with a spaceship! Steve: My S-1 festivized the world at 1,860 times the speed of sound! Grandsanta: Christmas 1941, , I did the whole thing with 6 reindeer and a drunken elf! [Steve sits back down] I was shot at, Arthur. Took 12 direct hits, lost 3 reindeer. Arthur: What happened to the elf? Grandsanta: Fell out of the sleigh over . Never saw him again.

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Arthur: [parachuting away, to Grandsanta] Happy Christmas! Grandsanta: In Santa we believe! [to Bryony] Go on, elf, you too! Bryony: [she kisses Grandsanta in the cheek, as if to say, "Thank you", then jumps off] Hi-yah! Chief De Silva: [amplified through drone] Fire missiles. [drone prepares to launch its missiles] Grandsanta: [prepares to abandon Evie, to his old reindeer] This is it, old fella! Maybe the next Santa never sat in my Evie, but Arthur did, and he's as good a man as any Santa there's ever been! [releases the reindeer and stands on the top of Evie as missiles head towards it, saluting] Goodbye, Evie. [jumps off at the last second as the missiles destroy the sleigh] Chief De Silva: Good work everyone. You just saved Christmas!

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Bryony: When you put the address in the HOHO, what did you see? Arthur: [realizing they are in Mexico after seeing a poster saying, "El Burrito de Mexico" and everything written in Spanish] A list of Trelews. I just clicked on the first one! Bryony: Which was not Trelew, England! We're in the wrong Trelew!

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Grandsanta: Bash it with a brick, Arthur! Go on! Arthur: [struggling to remove the reindeer on top of the roof] It just won't... Grandsanta: Grab its antlers and tug! Bryony: I may just be a wrapping operative, sir, but this contravenes [her HOHO says "17"] specific mission regulations. Grandsanta: I'm in charge here, not Billy the Bureaucrat. Arthur: [almost removing the reindeer] It's stuck! Grandsanta: Shh...! [hears Bryony's HOHO say "18", then turns to Bryony] Elf, wrap your head! Bryony: Sir! [wraps her head] Grandsanta: [to Arthur] Come on, Lad. You're as much use as a cheese chopstick! Arthur: Got it! Oh, no! [gasps] Grandsanta: Oh, my big Aunt Betty. It will have to do! Pass it down! [turns to Bryony] What? Bryony: [whimpering] Permission to breathe, sir?! I have about 9 seconds left before I black out! Grandsanta: 1 breath. Bryony: [seeing the lights in the tractor dealership owner's house switch on] Sir! Grandsanta: [to Bryony] I said 1! [to Arthur] Hurry up, Arthur! Arthur:

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Arthur: [worried] They can see us! Grandsanta: Well, pull the camouflage lever! Now, we better draw in a few of these sky scratchers... [Arthur pulls the wrong lever, and the sleigh transforms into something that looks like a steam locomotive] Not that one! That’s a steam train, you ninny!

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Arthur: I wish Dad could see this. It would take such a load off his mind. Bryony: So, what are your orders? Arthur: Hmm? Bryony: You're a Claus. You give the orders. Arthur: Do I? Oh! Um, heh... I'm just happy being an elf, really. You know, just-just part of it all. Bryony: [pauses] You want to order me to go through the cat flap? Arthur: Oh! Um, yes. That's a great idea. Bryony: [enters via the cat flap] Do you want to tell me to let you in? Arthur: Brilliant. Thank you, Bryony. Bryony: [unlocks the door but notices the red blinking lights from the alarm sounding] And do you want to... Quick! Arthur: The alarm? Definitely, yes. [covers the alarm 3 times with wrapping paper and tapes it with bows]

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Steve: [gets a phone call on his HOHO, it wakes him up] Hello? What elf? Peter: Bryony Shelfley, sir! The crazy wrapping elf, you know? Security tracked her to Sector 19. And we think Arthur was here. Steve: Arthur? Peter: Who else leaves the door open, huh, sir? Steve: The old sleigh barn? That was sealed up decades ago. After that terrible night, Grandsanta sneaked out and... Thank goodness he is too old these days to get into trouble.

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Santa: [Santa, Margaret, and Steve have arrived in Trelew, Mexico on the S-1] Out with the old, in with the new. Margaret: [holding Santa's hand] Well done, dear. Santa: [back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give who he thinks is Gwen what is believed to be another version of the bike] Poor Arthur. He tried so hard. He's flunked again. Margaret: Of course he hasn't, dear. We're here. The little girl will get her present. I think he's done rather splendidly. Santa: [exclaiming] My Margaret. Steve: [rings the doorbell, the door opens and a young boy appears] Good morning, Gwen. Ho, ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in an operation as complex as Christmas, there's always an insignificant margin of error, which is you. As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the... [reveals a big purple hi-tech bicycle] ...Glamorfast Ultra X-3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift. Bigger, ergo better. If you wouldn't mind