Quotes

Dialogue

Lucky: [narrating] You know, they say the great thing about being a kids is, it's so easy to pretend. You can have a conversation with your dog, or a baseball, or a banana. Well, what if it wasn't pretend? What if you could have a conversation? I mean, not with a baseball or a banana, that's ridiculous. But with your dog? Prologue Dog: I mean, we don't have the same concept of time that, uh--that for instance, people do, because, uh, you have watches and clocks. But we do know that you go away, and it's not like we don't know that you're gone. So, we don't know exactly how long, no. Young John: Why do dogs sniff each other's butts? Prologue Dog: Well, this is kinda our way of shaking hands. If you really wanna get a sense of who somebody really is, you gotta sniff their butt. Archer: Son! Stop talking to the dog. She doesn't understand a word that you're saying. Lucky: [narrating] At first his dad thought, "Hey, it's just harmless kid stuff," but as time went on, John crossed that fine

Dialogue

Lucky: [narrating] And after a while, all he could remember was that down inside, there was something missing. And just like his dad wanted, he grew up to be a normal, regular guy-- you know, miserable. John: Hey, hey, get out of here! Hey! Haah! Haah! Haah! Haah haah! Haah! John: Stupid mutt. A vicious animal's in the hallway. Lucky: [narrating] And did I mention he was a father? A lot like his own father, who was a father to him before he himself became a-- Ahem. Oh, look, she's got a giant egg. John: Good morning, Charisse. Charisse: My name isn't Charisse. I have changed my name to Paprika. John: Paprika? Paprika Dolittle. That has a nice ring to it. Charisse: Not Dolittle, just Paprika. John: Well, I don't understand it. What is that about? What's Paprika about? Lisa: You know, salt and pepper? Paprika? John: Oh, oh, Okay. Paprika. I get it. Maya: I think Paprika is a beautiful name. John: Really? Well, I think Paprika sounds like a seasoning. John: Dolittle. Maya: He doesn't take

Dialogue

Mark: Johnny. John, Gene has got some qualms about the new proposal. I'd like you to talk to him about it. John: No room for qualms, Gene. Mark: No room for qualms. John: No qualms. Gene: No, there's just one or two-- John: Qualms are bad. Mark: No, qualms are bad. Listen to Johnny. Qualms are bad. Gene: I have qualms I'd like to discuss. You know what it is? I'm just afraid that if we let a big company like Calnet take us over, you know, we're not gonna be us anymore. You know? We-we-W?we'd be them. John: Let me explain something to you, Gene. Them has the best hospitals, and them has the best laboratories, and them is gonna pay us a very big, giant amount of money. Mark: I swear. I swear to God that when I think about the money, I get teary. John: It's huge. Mark: I get all-- Look at me. John: You see, those are real tears in his eyes. Mark: So, Saturday morning we're sitting down with the Calnet people. I'll see you all there. I'm very excited about it. John: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa.

Dialogue

Maya: Rodney's is lost! He's not in his cage! John: Well, Y'all gonna get going. I'll find your hamster for you. Maya: He's a guinea pig. John: Whatever. It's a rodent. I'll find the rodent. Hey, Nutmeg, let's go! You better wipe that look off your face. Yeah, that's a little better. Your daughter's turning into a little wise-a**. Lisa: She's turning into a little you. You know, there's more to this HMO deal than money. You sell, they own you. John: Lisa, this is gonna will be good for us. Watch. Lisa: I am so tired of that rap. It's always for us, John, but sometimes I don't know who us is. John: What do you mean, you don't know who us is? Us is us. Me and you and Maya and Charisse, Lisa. Lisa, the more money you have, the more time you can spend with your family. That's the way it boils down. That's true. And in the meantime you're just gonna have to make do and be happy with this beautiful, fancy sports car you always wanted. Right here, beautiful. Lisa: Oh, my God, John. You didn't

Dialogue

John: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah Aah! Maya! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Let's go. Let's go. Get in there and you stay in there! John: Dolittle. Mrs. Parkus, do you have a death wish? Mrs. Parkus: But I took it out of the shell. John: Can I talk to you for a minute? Intern: Sure. John: Man, you couldn't tell what it was without me? Intern: Oh, I knew what it was. She was frightened. She wanted her doctor. It's a beautiful thing. John: That's a beautiful thing? That's a beautiful thing? How old are you? Intern: 26. John: You spend all your time here, right? Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room on that little cot back there. Little occasional nooky with one of the interns in the closet of something. Well, I have a real life, okay? And I'd appreciate it if you only call me down here when it was a real emergency. If one of my patients comes in here carrying his own head, call me. Somebody comes in with a bicycle up their a**, call me. You understand? Intern: Yeah, I understand. So, you

Dialogue

All Saints: [singing] Coochy coochy ya ya da da<br>Coochy coochy ya ya here<br>Mocha chocolata ya ya Lucky: Why don't you watch where you're going next time, you bonehead?

Dialogue

Calloway: Let me start by saying thank you very much for giving up part of your weekend. Uh, we just want to make sure we can answer any and all of your questions. We want you to all be comfortable with what we're proposing. Jeremy: And speaking of which, that explains the details of the buyout. The financial information you're probably most interested in is on page four. John: Oh, wow, four million dollars. That's pretty comfortable. Mark: I'm comfortable. You comfortable, Geno? Gene: Uh, actually, I have some questions. Mark: No, you don't. Gene: Yes, I do. Uh, I was wondering, are we gonna have to cut back on our staff? Calloway: Yes, unfortunately, we'll have to make some staff cuts. Pigeon: Bread? John: No, thank you. Mark: No, thank you? John: Yeah. You offered me some bread, and I don't want any, thanks. Calloway: So you have no problem with staff cuts? Male Pigeon #2: Hey, you gonna share that bread of what? Male Pigeon #1: You just said you didn't want any. Male Pigeon #2: Did

Dialogue

John: This is ridiculous. Rodney: [sniffing] Ahh. Boy, we got some fresh air here. John: Yeah. You know, that's the thing about the city. You don't realize-- Rodney: Whoa! John: Whoa! Rodney: Whoa! Whoa! I should've put on my seat belt! Easy now. Easy now. Slow your butt down! Whoa. Jeez, Louise! That didn't seem too safe. Ooh! My back hurt. John: This is a dream. I'm dreaming right now. Rodney: Whoa! Hold it! Stop! You're talking and I understand you. John: Now, see, those guys in my dorm told me that stuff wouldn't affect safe. Now 15 years later, this starts happening to me. Rodney: Okay. Let's chill. Let's just chill. John: I'm not gonna chill. You gonna chill. Rodney: Uh, what are you doing, switching sides? John: All right, you. Come on. Rodney: Hey, I can't drive! John: Out. Let's go. Woman: Need some help? John: Oh, no, I'm-- We're fine. I'm just stretching my legs a little here. Rodney: Ask her if she's got any lettuce. John: Shut your mouth. Shut your little furry mouth right

Dialogue

Rodney: [in his cage, on top of John's car] Oh, stop, slow down! John: Shut up! I can hear you up there, shut up! Rodney: Come on, Doc! I'm getting whisker-whipped up here! John: One more word and I'll pull over and take you off the car, I'll let you out of your cage, and leave you in the wild! With the real animals! See how much talk you do when a couple of real squirrels are kicking in your a**! Rodney: Fine, then I'll just sing! [singing] The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind... You know it is! John: Turning up the radio! [turns on the radio at full volume] Rodney: This guinea pig is blowing in the wind...! Come on! John: I can't hear you! I'm grooving! Rodney: Hey, why do they call me "guinea pig", anyway? I'm not Italian, and I'm not pork. Maya: Grandpa, did Daddy learn how to be bossy from you? Lisa: Maya, don't talk to your grandfather that way. Archer: He certainly didn't learn it from his mother. God rest her soul. Lisa: Baby, one day you'll understand that sometimes y

Dialogue

John: I think we should get rid of Maya's little rat thing. Lisa: He's a guinea pig. I don't know why you let him get to you. John: [gargling] Look, I don't let him get to me. Just a second. I'm not letting him get to me at all. Not the least bit. Lisa: Mm-hmm. Good. John: Mmm. Mrs. Dolittle. Lisa: I'll be right back. John: Is it all right if I wait in the bed naked? Lisa: Yes. John: Time to come out of these drawers, then. Owl: Hello? Yoo-hoo. Out here. Yeah, yeah. There you are. John: Oh, my God. Owl: Hello. That's right. You're the one who can hear us, aren't you? John: No, I'm not hearing anything. I can't hear you. Owl: The whole woods are talking about you, you know? Owl: Listen, can you do me a favor? Can you just take this stick out of my wing? It's killing me. Can you? Huh? Don't worry. I won't hurt you. Much better. Good job. Thank you. John: What's happening to me? Lisa: You're gonna be pleasantly surprised, that's what. Lisa: Oh, my goodness. It's an owl. John: Yeah, it's a

Dialogue

John: Come on. Pick up the phone. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up! Sam: Dr. Litvack. John: Hello, Sam! How are you? Hi! It's John Dolittle. Sam: John? John: Hey, how you doing? Nice to talk to you. So, enjoying your summer? Sam: Jeez, it's really late, John. It's one o'clock in the morning. John: Is it really one o'clock in the morning? Wow! I didn't realise it was that late. I'm sorry. I'm on my way into town. I was wondering if you wanted to get together for a drink or a CAT scan or something. Sam: A CAT scan? Can it wait until morning? "I Love You" Dog: I love you. John: No, I have to come right now. Rat #1: What's your problem? Rat #2: Your face. Rat #1: I'll hit you so hard, you'll see ten more of me. Rat #2: It already smells like ten more of you so just bring it on, cheese-eater. Come on. Bring it on. I'll tear you to pieces. I'll claw you. Rat #1: Man, you are tempting fate now, buddy. Rat #2: Right here, fat boy. Put it right here. I'll murderise you. Rat #1: Stick 'em up,

Dialogue

John: Hi, honey. Lisa: Where are you? Are you all right? John: Yeah, honey, I'm okay. Lisa: Are you sure? John: No. really. I just freaked out a little bit. Lisa: What's wrong? John: Well, I got lot of stress live been under. Lisa: From what? John: The merger and the practice. It's all just kind of come to a head. I'm sorry. Lisa: Okay, John, just come back out here, okay? John: Yeah, I'm on my w... Yeah, I'm on my way out now. Lucky: Bonehead! John: Yeah, I'll see you in a few. Lisa: John? John?

Dialogue

John: Excuse me. Where's the stray dogs? Animal Control Officer: Right this way. Dogs: Hey! Yo! Hey, man. What's up, buddy? How you doing, man? Dog #1: Hey, buddy. Over here. Dog #2: Hey, mister. Bet you I won't bite nobody again. Mm-hmm. "I am Keyser Soze" Dog: I am Keyser Soze. Lucky: Wait, wait, I have owners. They've just been out of town for a few... a few years. Dog: Dead dog walking. Lucky: That does not sound good. Dog #1: Keep your tail up, pal. Dog #2: When are we gonna get some decent chow in here? Lucky: Hey, hey, hey. Thanks a lot. Whoa, that was close, huh? Hey, hey, you got kids? I love kids. Kids, they're the greatest. John: Kids are great. Tell me what the hell is going on. Lucky: Hey, you understood me. John: You don't say? Think I'm going crazy. How come I can understand you talking? Lucky: I don't know. Maybe you're just weird. John: Hey, shut up. You're a dog. Dogs can't talk. Lucky: What do you think barking is, an involuntary spasm? John: I don't know what barkin

Dialogue

Receptionist: Thank you. Woman: Oops. Heavy Woman's Dog: Is that the biggest a** you've ever seen? Beagle Woman: Lie down, Chauncey. Lie down. Lie down, Chauncey! He's deaf. Chauncey: I'm not deaf. I just can't stand listening to her. German Shepherd: Just don't fix me, okay? Please, don't fix me. I won't look at another female ever, I swear. Anything but my manhood, man. Not my manhood! Please, I'm... Yo, baby, what's up? You looking sweet there, sugar. Is it the... Uh, no! Oh, don't, please! Please, ju... No, no, no! Don't! Please, I'm begging you! Vet's assistant: Dolittle. John: Come on.

Dialogue

Lucky: Oh. [whimpering] Dr. Fish: So, what seems to be the problem? John: Well, I tell you, Doctor, I really think it's pulmonary distress. And he might have fluid on his lungs, too. Dr. Fish: Oh, let me guess. You're an M.D. John: Yes, I am. Dr. Fish: I can always tell when a real doctor beings in an animal. They always like to do a little amateur diagnosis. Lucky: Could you tell him to get away from my butt? Dr. Fish: If you don't mind, I did go to veterinary school for five years. Lucky: Is it just me, or is he hovering around my butt a lot? Dr. Fish: And unlike an M.D., my patient cannot tell me where it hurts. Lucky: Listen, seriously, could you tell him my butt is great? Dr. Fish: So, Doctor, if you don't mind. Lucky: Hey, where does he think he's gonna put that? Look. Look, I was faking it, okay? I feel fine. Just don't let him stick that thing up my... Hello! Dr. Fish: Let's just have a listen to those lungs, shall we? Lucky: I'm gonna swallow the thermometer, and I don't mean

Dialogue

Lucky: Why on earth would a guy go into a line of work like that? John: All right. That's it for you. Hit the road. Get out of here. Lucky: What? But I'm your pet. John: You are not my pet. If I were gonna get a pet, I wouldn't get one as annoying as you. Now get out. Go. Lucky: Hey, hey, don't worry about it. You sprung me from the joint, you fixed me up, I'm thankful. John: Yeah. Just go. Lucky: Don't worry about me. I'll just be going down the road, disappearing without a trace. I hope a car doesn't hit me. Oh, well, one less dog. John: Dolittle. Maya: Hi, Daddy. John: Hey, baby. How you doing? Maya: Am I gonna see you before I go to camp? John: Honey, I'm really working on it. Lucky: Ruff! Ruff! John: Get out of here. Go. Lucky: Ruff! Maya: Daddy, is that a dog? John: Yeah, that's a dog. Lucky: Ruff! Maya: Mommy, guess what. Daddy got me a dog. John: No, no, no, no. Daddy, didn't... Lisa: Hey. Is that what you've been up to, you sneak? John: You caught me. Lucky: Ruff! Choo! What?

Dialogue

Woman: Hi. Man: Hi. John: Look, they're gonna want to know your name. Lucky: I don't have one. John: We're gonna have to think of one. Lucky: Let me see. A little girl once called me, '"Please, Mommy, not him." How about that? John: Nah, that's not gonna work. You got red hair. How about Lucy? Lucky: Lucy? Yes, I like that. Lucy. Good name. Yeah, just one problem. I'm a guy. John: Really? How about Lucky? Lucky: Perfect. Lucky, yes. Hi, I'm Lucky. Hey, it works on two levels. I love it. Maya: Daddy! John: That's my daughter. Be nice. Maya: Oh, you got me a dog. Oh, he's adorable. Oh, you're such a cute dog. Maya: What's his name? John: His name is Lucky. Maya: Does he do any tricks? John: He does a pretty neat trick with a thermometer that's kind of funny. Hey, baby. Lisa: Hey, baby. You got her a dog. John: Yeah, well, I got us a dog. Camp Announcer: Welcome to Camp Hawkeye. Lisa: Are you okay? Camp Announcer: Counselors, gather your groups. John: Yeah. Come on, let's get you all set

Dialogue

John: What's the matter with you? Lucky: Everything's going by so fast. [moaning] John: Don't you dare throw up in this car. What are you looking at over there? Lucky: The lines on the road. They're just whipping by. Lines. Line, line, line, line, line, line. John: Don't focus on something so close. Look at something further away. Don't look at the lines. Lucky: Okay. Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree. Tree. tree, tree, tree. Ooh! Just, sir, could you just... [coughing, chuckles] Who knew?

Dialogue

Owl: Okay, not only could he understand me, but it turns out he's a doctor. Look. Animals: Whoa. Owl: Not even a scar. And it hurt so bad. I don't know what I would have done without him. Animals: Oh. Drunk Monkey: Huh huh. Owl: Yup.

Dialogue

John: Oh, what a day. Ohh. Lisa: You have knots all over the place. John: I'm all messed up. I'm falling apart. Lisa: How's that feel? John: Oh, Mrs. Dolittle. Lucky: Yeah, baby! John: Excuse me one second, okay? Lisa: Okay. John: Excuse me just one second. Lucky: What? John: Let's go. Lucky: What a gyp. John: You mind if I have a little privacy, please? Lucky: Oh, yeah, but it's fine when people watch us do it, huh? John: Ruff. Ruff. Lucky: Fine to turn on the garden hose. John: Hey, you want a tip on a good position? Lisa: You were barking. John: Well, I'm excited. When I get excited, I make all kinds of sounds. Ruff! Lisa: You never barked before. John: Oh.

Dialogue

Sheep: Hello. Lucky: Yoo-hoo, Doc. We got trouble here. Duck: Let's go. John: Hey! No, no. You take care the ducks. I'll take the goat. Lucky: Me? All right. I'll get the ducks. John: Hey! Lisa: What's going on out there? John: Uh, Mark just showed up. So I'm gonna have to go over the proposal. We have to go over a few things. Goat: Come on. Let's move it. John: Don't do that. Lucky out here. He wants me to take him for a walk first, so I got to take Lucky for a walk that, then I got to deal with Mark. Lisa: Great. I'll see you in the morning. I'll be the one cooking breakfast. John: Uh, tomorrow. Ruff! Oh, hey, Mark. Hi, how you doing? You're trying to destroy my life, all of you, aren't you? Freeze! Stop right there! Don't you move. What are you doing? Why are you in the hallway this time of night? Charisse: I have to go to the bathroom. What are you doing? John: I'm p-p-patrolling the hallways. I'm the father. I patrol these halls to make sure everything is safe while you're asleep.

Dialogue

John: Let's go. See what you almost made happen? Let's go. Goat: What I almost made happen? What did I do? Sheep: Beep, beep! We're the sheep. Goat: Oh, no, not sheep. Not these clones. John: What are you doing? Where you going? Sheep Dog: Top dog. Coming though. Bird: Sorry. Am I late? Am I late? Pig: Good evening, Doctor. John: Oh, no, no. You gonna have to take your fat back out. I don't... Penguin: Oh, my God. What a zoo. Pig: Obviously not a kosher establishment. John: Everybody, just come in. Rooster: All right, where are the chicks? Ohh! I'm cool. John: Look at this mess. Penguin: Waiting list for patients? Bird: Let's go, landing. Make way! Pig: [belches] Very well-appointed sty. John: What's going on? What is all this? Owl: [screech] I don't know. You know, tell a friend. Ha, ha. Lucky: Looks like they need to talk to a doctor, Doc. Sheep: Our butts hurt. John: Okay, let's do this. And watch your droppings. Rodney: Tonight, this is the house of love! East coast! West coast! Le

Dialogue

John: It's not really something you should be ashamed of. It happens to most men occasionally. You're probably under a lot of pressure. Female Pigeon: He's not under pressure. He's not attracted to me because I'm just a pigeon! He's a self-hating pigeon! Male Pigeon: Oh, th-that is not true. Female Pigeon: Ask him what he does all day. Go ahead, ask him. John: What do--? Male Pigeon: I sit in a tree by myself. Female Pigeon: It's because he's too good to eat with the rest of us when the old people feed us in the park. John: Can I say something? Female Pigeon: And the way he stares at a robin's breast? It's enough to make you sick! Male Pigeon: They're orange! I happen to be attracted to orange breasts, they're orange-- Female Pigeon: You're not a robin! You're not a dove or a hawk! You're a pigeon, and I'm a pigeon... Male Pigeon: [over her] I'm sorry, she sits on that nest all day long, and she just gets a little crazy... Female Pigeon: [over him] ...and I've been sitting on a nest wi

Dialogue

John: The problem with your equilibrium might be due to an inner ear infection. John: Or it may be due to this. Drunk Monkey: [French accent] I'm a social drinker. Ha, ha. Very social. Ha, ha. John: Stand up. Stand up. Let me see you touch your nose and raise your left leg. Drunk Monkey: Nose. Leg. Huh? [grunting] Ha, ha. John: I don't know. I think you're wasted. Let's see you walk this line. Drunk Monkey: Oh, my goodness. Well... Ohh-la-la. [hiccups] John: You have a drinking problem, and I suggest that yiu stop drinking, cause I think you might be an alcoholic. Drunk Monkey: Really? John: Nobody likes a drunk monkey. Drunk Monkey: Sorry.

Dialogue

John: You're suffering from what's called obsessive-compulsive behavior. Obsessive Dog: Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball! John: Whenever you want the ball, I want you to think about something else. Obsessive Dog: Don't say anything more, just throw the ball! John: Can you relax your mind? Obsessive Dog: [bounces up and down] This is the way it works: you're the person, you throw the ball, I'm the dog, I get it! Simple as that! John: Okay, all right, listen. Ooh! Look at you going. All right... Obsessive Dog: I swear, I swear, I'll pee on your carpet. Please! John: It's very irritating, this ball thing... Obsessive Dog: Please throw the ball! Shut up and throw the ball. Am I alone here?! Am I all by myself?! Am I in another universe?! Lucky and Rodney: THROW THE DAMN BALL!! Obsessive Dog: [runs after it] HE THREW THE BALL! OH, HE THREW THE BALL! I'll get it! I'll get it! [grabs the ball and brings it back] Oh! I love you! I love you! You threw the ball! Rodney: [to John] Y

Dialogue

Horse: Hey, is there a doctor in the house? John: Right up here, above your head. Horse: Hey, Doc, look, they're kick me off the force. I'm as blind as a bat. What do you say? Can you help me? John: Just give me a minute, all right? Horse: All right. John: Keep be quiet. Horse: Sorry. John: Tell me what you think of these. Horse: Holy road apples! I can see! No desk job for me! Thanks a million, Doc. John: You are most welcome. Horse: This is gonna be great. I'll make lieutenant. Nothing can stop me. Nothing. Look at that, a doughnut shop.

Dialogue

John: Wow, what a night. I mean, all those animals. And I bet that's just the tip of the iceberg. When word gets around what's goes on... Drunk Monkey: Say, Doctor, you must help us, quick. John: What happened? What are you talking about? Drunk Monkey: It is all my fault. I should not have let him out. John: Hey, hey, all right. Now calm down. Drunk Monkey: The circus tiger, [hiccup] he will jump. John: Didn't I told you should stop drinking? Drunk Monkey: Drinking, I give it up. John: That's better. Come on. Let's go. Drunk Monkey: Wait for me. You don't know where it is.

Dialogue

Jacob: And now, on the day I end it all, I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver. I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing. It's too late for you. You're a short... Hey, get outta there. You're in my landing space. John: Man! Rat #2: See if you land on your feet, road kill. John: Why don't you bloodsucking vermin take a break, all right? Rat #1: Mmm. Bloodsucking. Jacob: Look out below. John: Hey, Lucky, come on. Lucky: Come on what? John: Come on. We gotta go up there. Lucky: Are you crazy? That's a tiger. Jacob: I'm jumping now. Don't try and stop me. John: Will you come on? Lucky: Coming right up. One order of man, side of dog. Drunk Monkey: I need a drink. Jacob: Good-bye, cruel world. Oh, no, I just remembered. I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon. Ha. One of the few animals that enjoy that kind of thing. John: Hi. Jacob: Hey, who are you? John: I'm Dolittle. Jacob: Yeah, well, get out of here. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm gonna

Dialogue

Mark: Hey, Dr. D. Johnny D. Three o'clock, Calnet. Meeting to go over the agreement. You gonna be there? You're not gonna believe what I got for us, buddy. Corporate cars every two years. What's going on? Why aren't you paying attention to me? Atlas of Feline Anatomy for Veterinarians? But, John, we treat humans at our practice. John: Hey, Mark, sit down a second. Just a minute. Mark: Okay. John: Do you remember when we started out? We had those crummy offices in the worst neighbourhood in town. We got paid almost no money. Mark: I've blocked it out. John: You have really? Mark: I guess so, yeah. John: Those were the most exciting times to me. It was like, you couldn't wait to come to work because you felt like you were making a difference, you know. And last night I had to treat some... some emergencies. And I was challenged, and it was difficult, and I got the same kind of rush I had back then. I felt like I was doing something. I felt like I was making a difference. And I started th

Dialogue

Dr. Fish: This is Dr. Fish. John: Hello. Is this the author of Feline Illnesses and Diseases? Dr. Fish: Yes, it is. You've read my book? John: Have I read your book? I sleep with your book next to your bed. It's my bible. Dr. Fish: Well, some people consider it the definitive work on cats, but bible? I... I... I... Well, no, I can... I can see your point. John: Dr. Fish, I have a very ,very sick, very, very big cat. And I'm concerned that it might be something really serious because his vision's impaired, and he seems to be in a lot of pain. Dr. Fish: Well, unfortunately, if it is in the head there's only two options. One is surgery, and the other is putting it down. John: I have no idea how I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna try to take care of you. I promise. Jacob: Just hurry back. Every minute you're gone, I'm one minute closer to death. I just might hang myself by my underpants! I can get underpants! Not really.

Dialogue

Mark: He blew off the Calloway meeting. Lisa: I don't care about that. Ineed to speak with John. Listen, you wouldn't believe what's going on here.

Dialogue

Rat #2: Oh, Doc! Doc! Help me! You gotta help me. He's dead. He's laying there dead. You gotta help me. Rat #1: Uhh! John: He's not dead. Rat #2: Oh, no, no, don't go, buddy, old pal, friend of mine. You got to help him. John: Oh, really? Why is that? Rat #2: Why, Cause... cause... cause you're the man. You're the man! John: Oh, I'm the man now. I thought I was the guy the other day that you wanted to get bubonic on. Rat #1: I'm going towards the light now. Rat #2: I was kidding. You and I were riffing, Doctor. Serious? Come on! John: Ha, Ha, ha. Rat #1: Good-bye, world. I smell flowers. Rat #2: I'm begging you. Don't let him die. Don't let my buddy go. Rat #1: I'm sinking fast.

Dialogue

Mark: John. John: Hey, Mark, Hi. Mark: Where the hell have you been? John: What? Mark: Calloway. The meeting. John: I had an emergency. Excuse me. Sorry. Mark: Oh, excuse you. Rat #2: Hang in there, brother. John: Does it hurt when I do this? Rat #1: It ain't no day at the dump. Rat #2: If he dies... [sniffles] I don't know what I'll do. Rat #1: He'll drag me outside and eat me. Rat #2: Only out of respect. John: Guys, you want to be quiet? I can't hear while you're talking. Rat #2: Sorry, Doc. Lisa: John. Rat #2: Uh-oh. John: He said he was suffering from severe abdominal cramps. Lisa: He said? John: You know I wouldn't be working on this rat unless it was an emergency. Come take a look for yourself. Rat #1: Aah! Rat #2: What happened, Doc? John: I think he's gone into arrest. Rat #2: What? John: I don't feel a pulse. Rat #2: Oh, my God! He's a goner! He's a goner! John: He's isn't breathing. Rat #2: He's not breathing. Mark: Johnny. John: Hey, Mark, maybe we should shock him, huh? Ma

Dialogue

Blaine: [sighs] John Dolittle. Who would have ever thought would you end up in a mental institution? Number one in our medical school class. Not that I'm jealous, John. Sometimes had to finish first. John: And someone had to finish last, too. Blaine: So, John. You talk to animals now, do you? Would you like to tell me about it? Or would you rather tell my friend here, Bethlehem? John: I don't need to talk to your cat, Blain. Blaine: Why, do you think he would talk back to you? John: You know, he just might. Blaine: And what would he say? Bethlehem: I'd say you were a butthead. John: [chuckles] I really like this cat.

Dialogue

Lisa: He's recommend you stay here a minimum of ten days. John: You really think I need to be here for that long? Lisa: You said that you can talk to animals. John: You know, I can really hear them. Hey, I can. You gotta believe me. Lisa: I can't.

Dialogue

Nurse: Here you go. Your medicine. Okay, then. Squirrel: I can get you anything you need. Saucers and coasters-- John: Go away. Squirrel: I can get you anything you need. Hey, listen, if you have any extra medication, I could use it. You're not following me, are you? Whoa!

Dialogue

John: Now, what is all this? Blaine: This is to prove to me and the rest of world that you can actually talk to animals. Now, the orangutan is attached to this brain wave monitor. Normally, he responds to visual stimulation, but since you have got the gift of gab, you won't need pictures to make him respond, will you? Get acquainted, John. John: Okay, listen. I need your help. I need you to make that needle over there move cause if you don't, they'll gonna make me stay here forever. Okay? So just make the little needle jump. Come on. I know you can hear me now, so don't play. This is very serious right now. Blaine: I guess he's just not a big talker, John. John: Look, give me a break. Say something, please. Blaine: Please escort Dr. Dolittle back to his room. Orangutan: Adios. Muchas gracias por nana. John: Wait a minute. You speak Spanish? Orangutan: Yo, hablo, tu hablas... John: That's why he couldn't understand him. You're slick getting a monkey from south of the border. Blaine: Rem

Dialogue

Mark: I'm worried, John. John: Who are you trying to fool? You're not worried about me. You're worrying about Calnet. Mark: John, I admit it. I want the money. I'm not ashamed of that. Look, here's what I want you to do for me. Just stop barking and chirping for one day. If you do, I'm pretty sure you can get out of here. And there would be a good idea, because Calloway called me and said that if you're not back for Friday for the press conference, the deal's off. If you would do that for me, Johnny, I'll buy you a rat farm, and you can can burp and fart those little rats till you pass out. But let's just get it signed! Okay, my shot. My shot.

Dialogue

John: Pick it up. Pick the phone up, please. Lisa: Hi, we're not here. Leave a message. John: Hey. Hi, it's me. I'm really starting to miss you guys. I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing in here, too. Maybe you were right. Maybe it was whole thing all my imagination. Rodney: Hey, honey! Feeling better? John: Who's this? Rodney: I'll give you a hint. I'm cute, I'm furry and I make 500 babies a year. John: Rodney! Get back in your cage! Rodney: Hey, Doc, what's up with that trap behind the fridge? You trying to kill me? John: Never mind that! Get your little furry back in your cage, Rodney! Right now! I don't want your droppings on... Bye-bye. My son Rodney. Little hairy boy, sleeps in the cage. I have to keep him in the cage cause he has hygiene problems.

Dialogue

Jacob: He's not coming back. I can't believe I fell for it. Oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy. Lucky: Man, you don't look so good. Jacob: Yeah, look who's talking. What do the three of you know? Lucky: Uh-oh. Jacob: I'm in bad shape. Ow, my head.

Dialogue

Wilbur: What kind of a name is Ed for a horse? Ed: What kind of a name is Wilbur for a man? Hammersmith Patient #1: Peanut butter. That's how they got the horse to move his lips. They gave him peanut butter in the back of the mouth. Hammersmith Patient #2: I disagree, sir. Side. The side. Hammersmith Patient #1: Look, look! See his jaw? See? See? John: The esophagus, yes. Hammersmith Patient #1: He's not talking. That's an act. John: No, no, no. Hammersmith Patient #2: What? John: Finish what you were talking about. Hammersmith Patient #1: Oh, oh! No, he's... Full teeth, full teeth. Lucky: Psst! Doc, out here. Doc, hey, over here. John: What are you doing here? Lucky: I crossed three freeways to rescue you, and all I get is "What are you doing here?" John: This isn't a prison. It's a clinic. Lucky: Look, the tiger's in bad shape. John: The tiger?! Hey, listen, forget the tiger! Let me tell you something! I had a perfect life until you came along and started talking to me. Now I'm sitti

Dialogue

John: Okay, Blain, look. I wanna go home. Blaine: Oh, so soon? And miss the field trip to the zoo? John: Listen. I know you're always hated me since medical school, but we are both adults now. Let's put that behind us. We both have families. I want to get back to my family. How do I do that? Blaine: Well, it's very simple. Stop talking to animals, John. Simple. John: All right, listen. You're right. I made a mistake. Maybe it was a case of temporary insanity, maybe I was working too hard. Whatever it's over. I don't talk to animals any more. Blaine: I'm not convinced. We'll talk again in a month or so, okay? John: Tell you what, Blain. You sign my release form and I won't tell our fellow doctor friends about that little pink tutu you keep in your closet with the thong back. Blaine: Oh. Bettelheim: Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Dialogue

John: Daddy's home! Charisse: Daddy? Hey, Daddy! John: Hey, beautiful, how are you? Charisse: Oh, I'm fine. Lisa: John. John: Hey, baby. Mmm. Lisa: Wh...? Why didn't you call me? John: I wanted to surprise you. Hey, why aren't you in camp, young lady? Charisse: Mom brought her home. Maya: I didn't fit in. John: You're just gonna have to try a little harder next year. Come here. Give me a hug. I missed you. Still Daddy's baby, huh? Lisa: Honey? John: Hmm? Lisa: Do they know that you left? John: No, I escaped. Of course they know I left. They released me. They told me I was better. Time to come home spend some time with my family. Lucky: Ahem. Are you not talking to me? Lisa: You're sure you're okay? John: Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Lisa: Cause I got scared, wondering when you were coming home. John: Well, I am back and I'm fine, and everything's gonna be just like it was in the old days. Lucky: Okay, I know what you're doing. Well, two can play at that game. I don't have to listen to you, eith

Dialogue

John: Diane, please call down to radiology and get me the x-rays on Mr. Galvin. Also, check with Mrs. Rivers and see if she can switch her appointment to 3:15. I may need to call in Gene for a consultation. Diane: Yes, Doctor. John: Gene, can you check your schedule and see if you can do a 3.15 consult? Gene: Sure. John: Good. And Mark, did you get back the tests on Mr Freeman? Mark: I think they're coming in this afternoon, Johnny. John: Good. Keep me informed, okay? Male Pigeon: Hey, Doc, do you think I should get my beak done? John: Fssh! Male Pigeon: Hey! John: Call somebody from maintenance we need to put some for permanent screens up, or set some traps. This is a doctor's office, not a zoo. Mark: He's back. We're gonna be rich.

Dialogue

Maya: This is where he lives, and this is where he exercises. Archer: Does he do aerobics? Maya: Yeah, the guinea pig aerobics. John: Let's get this show on the road. Hey, hey, put that thing away. We don't have time. You're gonna get your dress dirty. Pop, will you help out, please? I can't be late for this. Maya: But Rodney wants to come. John: Absolutely not. Rodney cannot come. This is a press conference for people. No animals allowed. No Rodney, no way. Maya: Why don't you tell him he can't home? He'll listen to you. John: No, I am not going to tell him he can't come. Help out. Come on, Pops. Maya: Can I tell you a secret? Archer: Yeah, sure. Maya: When Mommy told me what happened to Daddy, I wasn't afraid, I was happy, because I believed that he could talk to animals. I want Dad to be weird, just like me. Is that wrong? Archer: No. No, it's not wrong. Maya: It's just sometimes, I don't think he likes me very much. Archer: Honey, he loves you. Maya: I know he loves me, but I don't

Dialogue

John: Let me park this car. Lisa: All right. Come on, girls. Let's go. John: Maya, let me talk to you a second. We'll be in there in a second. Lisa: Okay. John: Hey, listen. I don't think your egg is a stupid idea. It's think it's kind of cool. Maya: You do? John: Yes, I do. You have curiosity and a lot of ideas, and that's what makes you special. Maya: You mean weird. John: No, I didn't say weird. I said special. Being weird's is not such a bad thing. A lot of greatest people in history were considered weird when they came on the scene. Maya: Like who? John: Lots of people. Albert Einstein. When he showed up with his crazy hair, people thought he was weird. A guy that smart was weird to people. Muhammad Ali. When he showed up on the stage saying what round he was gonna knock out people in and screaming, "I'm the greatest," people thought that was strange, you know. Kind of weird, super weird. And Joan of Arc, she heard voices. Maya: Like you, Daddy? John: Yeah, like me. Listen, this i

Dialogue

John: Psst! Wake up! Jacob: Oh! Hey, Doc. You came back. John: You need help. I want you to take some for tests. Jacob: Tests? That's good, right? Tests? John: Yeah. Come on. Jacob: Ohh, I hate these stairs. Baby Tiger: Take good care of him, Doc. He's our star. John: He'll be okay. Jacob: Oh, great. More steps. John: Come on. Get in. Jacob: Wait a minute. The dog gets to ride up front? Lucky: Hey, could you stop looking at me like I'm a side dish? Jacob: Oh, don't flatter yourself. John: Now, you two guys shut up. Quiet. Jacob: Hey, look. Jerry! John: Can you keep your voice down? Jacob: He's a big fan. Hey, Jerry! How you doing, dude? Just going for some tests. Security Guard: Hey, hey, hey! Jacob: I'm fine! "The tiger's fine." I'm not sick. Security Guard: Stop the car! Male Pigeon: I told you they'd get away. Female Pigeon: No thanks to you. Male Pigeon: No thanks to me? Three armed guards versus a pigeon? That's a fair fight?

Dialogue

Lisa: [to Archer] He's not at home and he's not answering his pager. I'm starting to get worried. Charisse: Mom. Lisa: Yes? Charisse: Guess who Maya brought to the party. Maya: Rodney! Rodney, there you are. Rodney! Oh, man. Calloway: Where the hell is Dolittle? Mark: You know, I just talked to him. He stopped at an orphanage to take care of a sick child. That is so John. It's so typical of the man. He just cares. Calloway: Weller. Take your lips off my butt long enough to hear what I'm going to say. If Dolittle's not here in ten minutes, I'm pulling the plug. You won't have to. Mark: You're not going to have to do that, sir. He's at the orphanage. He's gonna be here in five minutes. Calloway: I hope so. Mark: Yeah, he really will be here in five minutes. P***.

Dialogue

Woman: Hey. How you doing? Rodney: Where's the kitchen at? I got to get in here. Where's the food? Maya: Rodney. Rodney: Uh-oh. She's coming to get me. Maya: Rodney. Woman in bathroom: Who's Rodney? Maya: Sorry. Rodney? Rodney? Rodney: This ain't no kitchen. Smell bad. Must be cooking chitlins. And what's this for? Hey! Hey! [muffled yelling] Somebody help me. Hey! What the-- [glubbing and splashing] I can't swim. Mrs. Parkus: AAH! Rodney: AAAGGGHHH YOURSELF!! [toilet flushes] Where you going? Get me outta here. Hey! Somebody get the license plate number. I have just been violated. Whoa!

Dialogue

Jacob: This is where you work? John: Come on. Jacob: Oh! Rat #1: Don't throw that away. That's the marrow. It's the best part of the bone. Rat #2: Look who's here. Rat #1: Well, if it isn't Siegfried and Roy. John: Keep it quiet. Lucky, keep an eye out. You rats help him. Rat #1: Hey, we don't work for you. John: Give me a break. I saved your life. Rat #1: That's yesterday's news. Take a hike. Rat #1: You want gratitude? Get a hamster. Rat #2: "Get a hamster." You kill me! Get a hamster! Lucky: I gotta get help. Policeman: Yeah, I got a plate I.D. on the catnapper. Female Pigeon: Do something! Male Pigeon: The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk. Female Pigeon: A chicken hawk! Male Pigeon: The heart of a hawk! Aah! Female Pigeon: Oh. Rodney: [sings] I Feel good! Na, na, na, na. Like I knew that I would! That feels good. Ohh!

Dialogue

Gene: I enjoy my personal relationships with my patients. Mark: You'll get over that. Jeremy: I just might not. Mark: I'm joking. Man: He's got to get Gerry with the program. Mark: Gene. He's the kind of guy who'd rather be trudging through the snow with his little black bag... Jeremy and Mark: making house calls. Mark: Exactly. It's kind of adorable really--Ow! Jeremy: That hurt me. Gene: Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. Mark: I may have broken my nose. Gene: I think I broke his nose. Mark: Is it broken? Gene: Let me check. Oh, my God! I broke his nose. Let me take him to X-ray. Mark: I'm blacking out. I'm blacking out. Rodney: THAAAAT FEEEEELS GOOOOOD! Mark: Ow. Geno, this really hurts. I really think... Gene: Yeah, it's hurts. Of course it hurts. You walked right into a door. Your septum is completely crushed. Mark: Oh, God, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. Do we have any morphine in the vault? John: Hey, guys. Mark: John. John: What happened to you? Mark: I walked into a door. Gene: I crushed hi

Dialogue

Cameraman: 20 bucks says this guy never shows. John: Watch your back, everybody. Trying to get to the operating room. Clear the way, please. Calloway: Outta the way, please. Outta the way. John: Clear a spot. We have an emergency here. Ladies and gentlemen, please. Clear the way, please. Coming through. Coming through. Calloway: There you are. Let's do this. John: Uh, Mr. Calloway, Mark broke his nose. Calloway: The nose can wait. The press is waiting. Gene: I-I-I-I... Calloway: Come on, partners. We're announcing. John: I really don't know if we should leave Mark with his nose... Calloway: Come on. Lisa: Where were you? I'll explain. Calloway: Thank you all for coming, and thank you all for being so patient. As you all know, the practice of medicine and the business of medicine have been undergoing very big changes in this country. We at Calnet strive to be at the forefront of these changes. That is why I'm proud to announce the acquisition of one of San Francisco's... Rodney: This is

Dialogue

Policeman: What the hell is this? Pig: No more bacon. No more chops. Lucky: One, two, three, four. You ain't getting through this door. No justice, no peace. Drunk Monkey: Make love, not war. Lucky: Fur is murder. Free Willy. Male Pigeon: Pigs go home. Pigs go home. Pigs go home. Pig: Hmm? Male Pigeon: No, no, not you. The police. Female Pigeon: Wow, this is great. Are you okay? Male Pigeon: The man's coming down hard, but we're holding strong. Female Pigeon: Oh, I got such a chill. Male Pigeon: Really? Female Pigeon: Really. John: I'm gonna give you a local. It's not gonna hurt. It'll feel like a little bee sting. Jacob: Ohh. John: A little pressure. That's about it. Okay? Here I come. Jacob: [inhales] Ohh. John: Okay. Lisa: He can't do this. He still thinks he can talk to animals. Archer: He can, Lisa. He can talk to animals. It all started when he was a kid. I didn't know what to do. Lisa: What are you saying, Dad? Archer: I thought it was a handicap, but it's a gift, Lisa. Don't yo

Dialogue

John: Okay, we're open. Gene, irrigate, please. All right, Jake, I need you to be alert. Tell me if you feel anything at all. Can you feel anything now? Jacob: No. Just the same old pain. John: How about now? You feeling any numbness at all? Jacob: I... I can't. I don't know. John: Just relax and listen to the sound of my voice, okay? Jacob: I'm scared. John: Don't be scared. I'm not gonna let you go. Lisa: John? What did he say? John: He said he's a little scared. Jacob: [moans] Ow. Ohh. Mmm. Gene: Pulse is dropping fast. John: His dura is bulging. There's too much pressure. Jacob: Uh-oh. My left side went numb. Gene: Pulse still dropping. John: Okay, all right. Hey, you just hang in there, okay, Jacob? Hang in there for me. Jacob: Okay, Doc. John: It's a blood clot. It has to be. All I gotta do is find it. We're too close to his motor strip. A little more suction, Gene. I got to be able to see. Gene: We're losing him. We got to relieve pressure. Lisa: Come on, Jake. John: Don't let g

Dialogue

Mark: He's a lunatic. He has a history of mental illness. He's frankly... Calloway: He's the most remarkable surgeon I have ever seen. Mark: He's here to stay. He is the straw that stirs the drink. Calloway: I want exclusive rights to him. Mark: He's dynamic, caring-- I can't imagine-- What's the matter? Calloway: Dolittle. Wonderful work, Doctor. Mark: Bravo. Bravo, Johnny. I'm so inspired. Calloway: Welcome aboard. I feel like I've bought myself a winning franchise. Mark: Oh, yeah. John: You haven't bought anything. We're not for sale. Mark: Look. We don't need these namby-pamby wacko freaks. It's you and me, straight to the top. Male Pigeon: You want pigeon? I'll show you pigeon. Mark: Aah! [spits] Male Pigeon: Are you happy now? Female Pigeon: I'm right behind you. Calloway: Uh.

Dialogue

Rodney: Hey! Somebody come here. I think we got birth here. Hey, hey! Somebody! I see some shaking in that egg. I see shaking in the egg. Hey, hey, hey,how's it going, McGruff? Lucky: Uh-oh. [barks] Rodney: You know what? A Tic Tac wouldn't kill you. Hey, girl, get up. We got birth coming. Lucky: Oh, great. A swan egg. This is going to be great. Rodney: Come on, girl. Lucky: I have one question. What is a swan? Maya: My egg. That's my egg hatching! Lucky: Okay, just breathe. Rodney: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it come. Here come the magic moment. Oh, no. Just like Jurassic Park. It's going kill us. Maya: My swan egg's hatching. It's hatching. It- it... Lucky: Good Lord, Doc. What on earth is that? John: That would be Maya's brand-new baby alligator. Maya: Cool. [laughs] Baby Alligator: Mama? Rodney: Mama? I'm not your mama. Baby Alligator: Mama? Lucky: Oh, no, don't look at me. Although there was that one time I got drunk in the Everglades.

Dialogue

Lucky: Hey, Doc, wait up. So, you're going to treat both humans and animals? I love it. John: Yeah, well, it's no big thing. We're all basically the same, you know? Lucky: My thoughts exactly. Okay, first, I want to move my bowl up on the dining-room table. Second, no more dog food. That stuff's just gross. I want my own room, with a TV. Basic cable will be fine. Rat #1: I hate stories with happy endings. Owl: Yoo-hoo. Rat #1: What you say? Rat #2: I didn't say nothing. Rat #1: Then, who? Rat #2: Aah! Run! Run for your lives! Oh, my God! Rat #1: Let's go, buddy! Rat #2: I don't want to die! I'm too young to die! Rat #1: Hang a left. No, hang a right. Look out for the traffic! Rat #2: Oh, legs, do your thing. Out of my way. Rat #1: This circle of life really stinks!