Quotes

"The Man and the Hour" [1.01]

Wilson: And so... And so, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our guest of honour - one of Walmington-on-Sea's most distinguished citizens. A man of many parts. A banker, soldier, magistrate, alderman and secretary of the Rotary Club. A good fellow all round. Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman George Mainwaring! Mainwaring: Mr Chairman, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen. When I was first invited to be guest of honour tonight at the launching of Walmington-on-Sea's I'm Backing Britain Campaign, I accepted without hesitation. After all, I have always backed Britain. Frazer: Hear, hear! Mainwaring: I got into the habit of it in 1940, but then we ALL backed Britain. Wilson: Hear, hear. Mainwaring: It was the darkest hour in our history. The odds were absurdly against us, but, young and old, we stood there, defiant, determined to survive, to recover and, finally, to win. Walker: Hear, hear. Mainwaring: News was desperate, but our spirits were always high.

"Museum Piece" [1.02]

Jones: Don't be like that dad, there's a war on. Jones' Dad: Oh, I wondered what the noise was.

"The Enemy Within the Gates" [1.04]

Polish Officer: You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers, not talk like old women. You will be reported for slacking - what are your names? Jones: Jones, sir. Pike: Pike, sir. Walker: Smith. Jones: Walker. Walker: Oh, thanks very much. Polish Officer: It's no good you try and give me falsies.

"The Bullet Is Not For Firing" [3.04]

Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my Jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

"The Bullet Is Not For Firing" [3.04]

Jones: I was just going to give the order... just going to give the order... just going to give... Mainwaring: What's the matter, Corporal? Jones: I think I'm going, sir. I hear angels' voices! Mainwaring: Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office! Jones: Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

"The Bullet Is Not For Firing" [3.04]

Jones: Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'. Mainwaring: No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE! Mr Yeatman: VANDALS! Mainwaring: Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

"The Day the Balloon Went Up" [3.08]

Mr Yeatman: [off camera] Help! Godfrey: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Yeatman. If you could manage to hang onto this a little longer, I'll try and summon assistance. Cissy: Mr. Mainwaring! Oh, Mr. Mainwaring, the verger has been taken from us. Mainwaring: Don't worry. We'll soon have him under control. [Runs over to Private Godfrey] Godfrey: I'm very glad you're here, sir. Something rather odd seems to have happened to the Verger. Jones: Don't panic! Don't panic, Mr. Mainwaring! Mainwaring: No intentions of panicking. Just working out what to do. Cissy: Vicar, I heard a voice from above. Vicar: Yes, yes, very distressing for you, Miss Godfrey. Cissy: I thought an angel from on high was visiting him. Vicar: Well, you would naturally. Cissy: And then he cried out unto me, "Help. I'm caught in this ruddy string." Mainwaring: Come on, all of you. Grab this cable and heave. [The men grab hold of the cable that's tied to the barrage balloon] Come on, Godfrey. Godfrey: [handing out the walking stick to

"No Spring for Frazer" [3.13]

Frazer: Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks. Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun. Frazer: If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time. Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer. Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop. Mainwaring: Your workshop? Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned. Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it. Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

"Boots, Boots, Boots" [4.03]

Mainwaring: So to sum up. Whatever form of transport we use, whether it be bicycles, Jones' van, or any other form of vehicular transport, the whole thing boils down to one thing in the end - the three Fs. Fast feet, functional feet and, last but not least, fit feet. I have got here two diagrams issued by the Royal Army Medical Corps... [Opens a diagram of a human foot] and the first one... [Shows his men the diagram] ...shows what a good foot should be. Now, take the first metatarsal here... [Points to the first metatarsal] Jones: Permission to speak, sir? Mainwaring: Yes? Jones: I am not formed as other men, sir. My foot's not the same as that, sir. Walker: Blimey, don't tell me they're webbed! Mainwaring: All right. That'll do, Walker. [to Jones] In what way is your foot different, Jones? Jones: Well, sir, I haven't got a first meta meta... I've got a big toe there, sir. Mainwaring: Metatarsal is the medical term for toe, Jones. Jones: Thank you very much, sir. Mainwaring: We have t

"Don't Fence Me In" [4.05]

Is anybody there? Is anybody there? If you are not there, say so.

"The Test" [4.10]

Mainwaring: Where is he going? Hodges: It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ["The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman.] Mainwaring: What? Hodges: I'm gonna enjoy this. Hodges: [Laughing] Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring? Mainwaring: He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

"A. Wilson (Manager)?" [4.11]

Mainwaring: Yes, Mainwaring here. Vicar: Good Morning Mr. Mainwaring, Vicar here. Mainwaring: What are you going to tell me about Wilson; that he's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?

"Uninvited Guests" [4.12]

Mainwaring: Now look here, Hodges. Hodges: No, you look here, Mainwaring. My headquarters has been put out of action and I have official permission to use these premises here. Mainwaring: On whose authority? Hodges: See for yourself. [Opens a piece of paper] There you are. [Passes the paper onto Mainwaring] Now I'm, I'm a reasonable sort of man. I know you and I've had our differences in the past, but we are both on the same side and I want to be generous. I don't want to, er, well, I don't want to er, you know, be stand-offish and uh, I'm prepared to go shares with you. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Now, this half here with your chair, you can have. This half here is me. Right? Draw a line here like this. Got it? [Uses some chalk to draw a line] Here we are, down the wall. Mainwaring: Just a moment. What are you doing? Hodges: Now now, Mainwaring, when it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there, and I'll keep my stuff over here, alright? [Draws a chalk line on the d

"Uninvited Guests" [4.12]

Mainwaring: Now, you're not going over when I say "over". So let's do it in turns, shall we? All my file will say it first, and then Wilson's file say it after. Right, one, two, three. [Speaks through his can] Over. Men on Wilson's side: Over. Men on Mainwaring's side: Over. Men on Wilson's side: Over. Mainwaring: That's better. Jones: I think I've got the hang of it, sir. Can I do it on my own? Mainwaring: We're not quite ready for that, Jones. Jones: Oh, let me go solo, let me go solo sir. Mainwaring: Oh, very well. Walker: This should be good. Jones: [speaks through his tin] Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Report my signals, all stations. Charlie One. Over. Walker: [off camera] Blimey. Mainwaring: That was very good, Jones. Jones: Thank you, sir. Mainwaring: Excellent. You got that quite correct. Jones: Thank you very much, sir. I bet they all thought I couldn't do that. Pike: You did it beautiful. Jones: Yeah, I'm not such a fool as I may think I

"Uninvited Guests" [4.12]

Frazer: DEATH! THE RUBY WILL BRING YE DEATH! DE-E-ATH! Pike: Did the curse come true, Mr. Frazer? Frazer: Aye son it did, he died....last year, he was 86.

"Fallen Idol" [4.13]

Mainwaring: [tipsy] Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury. Square: [laughs] What's that got to do with it? Mainwaring: It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it? Square: It's the wrong denomination. Mainwaring: Wrong denomi-...nomination? Square: Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E. Mainwaring: Yes. Right. [raises his glass] Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!

"Keep Young and Beautiful" [5.02]

Wilson: Come on. Come on, gents, hurry up, hurry up. Come on. Come on, Godfrey. Jones: Oh, there you are. Wilson: Over there. Jones: Oh, right. [Joins the platoon, but he stands in front of Frazer] Wilson: All right, Jones, fall in. Quick as you can. Come on. Walker: Come on, Jonesy. Come on. [Drags Corporal Jones into position] In you get. Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant. Only without my specs, I'm a bit hard of seeing. Wilson: Yes, of course. Right, squad. [Jones stamps his foot] Wait for it, Jones. Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant, I'm a bit too alert this morning. Wilson: Yes, of course you are. Right, squad, attention! Jones: Is that better? Wilson: No, it wasn't really much better, but it doesn't matter. [to Mainwaring who comes in] Platoon ready for your inspection, sir. Mainwaring: Thank you, Sergeant. Now, I think you all know me well enough to know that this inspection by the Area Commander is very much against my wishes. However, orders are orders. But if any of you are urged to join t

"Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel" [5.12]

Mainwaring: You both went to public schools, didn't you? Wilson: You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that. Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.

"Time on My Hands" [5.13]

German airman: Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! [Please, sir! Oh, please, please!] Jones: It's no good trying to apologise. German airman: Schnell! Schnell! [Quick! Quick!] Jones: Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.

"The Deadly Attachment" [6.01]

German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account. Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war! U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are. Mainwaring: Oh no, you're not. U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are! Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work! U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it? Mainwaring: Don't tell him Pike! U-boat Captain: Pike!

"The Deadly Attachment" [6.01]

When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!

"The Deadly Attachment" [6.01]

U-boat Captain: Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string! Jones: Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either! U-boat Captain: Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic. Frazer: A terrible way to die! Mainwaring: [to the U-boat captain] You unspeakable swine!

"The Honourable Man" [6.05]

Ooh, you silly man!

"The Recruit" [6.07]

He has a face like a sour prune.

"The Recruit" [6.07]

Vicar: Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't. Mainwaring: But you're not married. Vicar: I have a very vivid imagination.

"The Recruit" [6.07]

Frazer: Ah, sir. He's a cheeky, wee devil. He deserved a good skelping. Mainwaring: Thank you, Frazer. [to Wilson] All right, if you've got all the details down, Wilson, I'll sign it, and we can put it on record. Although, from my experience in these matters, that's the last we shall hear of it. Wilson: Yes. Hodges: Right, Mainwaring, get your jacket off and come outside! Mainwaring: [Turns to Hodges and Hamish] What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in here? Hodges: Hamish. Repeat what you just told me. Hamish: [points to Mr. Yeatman with his newspaper] That's the one, Uncle Willy. He hit me time and time again. Mainwaring: [off camera] Uncle Willy? Man in Platoon: Uncle Willy? Hodges: Oh. Hamish: [points to Jones] And he pointed his bayonet at me! [Turns to Mainwaring] And that fat, pompous one said [Plummy accent] "Just run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside." Hodges: Yeah, so that's your mark, isn't it, Mainwaring? Bullying little boys. Why d

"A Man of Action" [7.02]

Hodges: We can't get anywhere. We're all talking at once, we won't get anywhere! [Sees Mainwaring] Ah, where have you been? Don't you know there's an emergency on? Mainwaring: How dare you hold a meeting in my office without my permission? Vicar: This happens to be MY office, Captain Mainwaring. Mainwaring: It also happens to be my office. Hodges: And it also happens to be my office, and I'm holding an emergency meeting. Mainwaring: Emergency. What emergency? Vicar: Oh. Do you mean to say you haven't heard? Oh, uh, you know Inspector Baker and Fire Officer Dale. Mainwaring: Yes. Wilson: How awfully nice to see you. It was fun last night, wasn't it? You know, Connie wears awfully well, doesn't she? Mainwaring: Never mind about Connie. [to Hodges] What's happening here? Hodges: What's happened? A land mine has landed on the railway line, just outside the town. Inspector Baker: Fortunately, nobody was seriously hurt, but it's destroyed over 100 yards of railway track! Hodges: And the town

"A Man of Action" [7.02]

Mainwaring: No liquor is to be taken without my permission. Frazer: Hold on! That is undemocratic! Mainwaring: You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits. Frazer: I'm right behind you, Cap'n!

"Gorilla Warfare" [7.03]

Frazer: Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn? Mainwaring: Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer. Frazer: Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it. Fraser: He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked. Pike: Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.

"The Captain's Car" [7.05]

Mainwaring: Look at that, Wilson. Wilson: Yeah. Hodges: You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in. Mainwaring: Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson? Wilson: Yes. Mainwaring: Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that. Pike: Yeah, or a Yankee one. Mainwaring: As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one. Wilson: I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car. Mainwaring: I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles. Mainwaring: Great Scott! What's that? Pike: It's twins. Jones: Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one. Frazer: Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash. Mainwaring: Where did you get that car, Wilson? Wilson: Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur. Mainwaring: Then where did that one come from, Jones? Godfrey: Captain Mainwaring, I... Mainwaring: Yes? Godfrey: I'm sorry to bother you, but the to

"Ring Dem Bells" [8.01]

Jones: We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson. Wilson: Well, what are you going to have? Jones: A pint. Landlord: Good morning, Gentlemen. What can I get...[turns and sees the platoon dressed as Nazis] Pike: [in a German accent] Gut afternoon, mein host. 16 shandies mit the ginger beer. Landlord: [stammers] Pints or 'alves? Pike: Pints!

"When You've Got to Go" [8.02]

Mainwaring: This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson? Wilson: I really do feel very deeply for you. Mainwaring: Look, couldn't you help us out? Wilson: I'm terribly sorry. Mainwaring: You must realise how embarrassing a situation this is for me. Wilson: Well, can't you and Frank go round again? Pike: I think Mum wanted to come, but she's ever so upset at losing me. I'm all she's got, you know. That's why she was a bit off with Uncle Arthur when he asked her. Mainwaring: Oh, you did ask, then? Wilson: Yes. Pike: At breakfast. Wilson: Frank. Pike: I think she was going to say yes, that is until Uncle Arthur mentioned that there was a sort of burnt taste about the... that porridge, so she picked up the pan and poured it in his Homburg hat. They haven't spoken since. Mainwaring: You take my advice. Whomever you marry, take a very firm stand with your wife from the outset. Pike: Start as you mean to go on, eh? Mainwaring: That's right. Pike: I'll remember that. Mainwaring: Good lad. Pi

"When You've Got to Go" [8.02]

Jones: Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir. I've done it, sir. I've done it. Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir. I've done it, sir. Mainwaring: What are you talking about, Jones? Jones: Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in. Frazer: Go on! Get in there. Go on, go. Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer. Salute the... (Poke the sergeant with a stick) Italian Sergeant: '[Yells in Italian accent] What the for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble. Me buddy-buddy, friend. Mainwaring: What's all this about? Jones: Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir. Hodges: I object. That's not fair, that's enemy blood. Mainwaring: Of course it's fair. They started it. Italian Sergeant: Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy. I sit at home, mind my business. Trattoria Paisano. Very good food. I cook myself. Th

"High Finance" [8.05]

Hodges: [about lowering Mrs. Pike's rent] I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it. Jones: Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear. Frazer: And, as a member of the Chamber of Commerce [taps the table], I second that. Godfrey: And I third it. Frazer: [Amid much noise] You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.

"Knights of Madness" [9.03]

A man in my position can't be seen fighting a dragon in cardboard armour!

"The Miser's Hoard" [9.04]

Mainwaring: I don't think Frazer suspected I was referring particulary to him, do you? Wilson: Oh no sir. No, not at all, no. But I must say when you said the word "gold", I did just notice that he jumped every so slightly out of his skin. Mainwaring: Well, I'm quite sure he had no inkling that I really knew. Wilson: Oh, no sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no. Mainwaring: Come in... Yes Frazer. Frazer: Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you. If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I want to say. Thank you. Mainwaring: It's a brick! It's a damn brick. Frazer: Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk. [he gestures to himself] I'm hangin' onto my money. You're not gonna put your hands on it at all. [as he leaves] You're not gonna have my gold. You're not gonna have my gold.

"Never Too Old" [9.06]

Hodges: Hello, what are you lot doing here? Mainwaring: In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on. Hodges: Haven't you heard? It was a false alarm. We got the stand-down half an hour ago. Wilson: So Hitler won't be joining us tonight then? Hodges: No. It's just as well with you lot guarding us. [Laughs] Mainwaring: What does that mean? Hodges: Well, I mean, look at you. What good would you be against real soldiers? [Sniggers] Oh, dear. They'd walk straight through you. Goodnight. [He leaves the pier] Jones: Here, he has no business to... Mainwaring: All right, all right. Don't take any notice of him, men. [Turns to Jones] Here's to your future health. [Clings mugs with Jones] Wilson: Yes, here's to you, Jonesy. Frazer: Here, Jonesy. Wilson: Good luck to you. Pike: Mr Mainwaring? Mainwaring: Hmm? Pike: Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said the Nazis would walk straight through us? Mainwaring: Of course he wasn't right. Jones: Well, I know one thing. They're not walking s