The Love Guru

Guru Pitka is the self-proclaimed "number-two guru in the world", after Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows Pitka was an orphan, taught by Guru Tugginmypudha. When the twelve-year-old Pitka announces he wants to become a guru so that girls will love him, Tugginmypudha puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself is more important than being loved by others. Pitka's dream is to become the number-one guru and appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life with thousands of followers, including celebrities Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer, and Mariska Hargitay (whose name is used as a faux-Hindi greeting). Pitka's teachings, which involve simplistic acronyms and plays on words, are displayed in PowerPoint slide shows. In Canada, Jane Bullard inherits the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team, who are on a losing streak. Their star player, Darren Roanoke, has been playing badly ever since his wife Prudence left him for Los Angeles Kings goaltender Jacques "Lè Coq" Grandé. Jane is a big fan of Pitka's and offers him $2 million to fix Darren's marriage so the team can win the Stanley Cup. Pitka's agent tells him if he succeeds, Oprah will have him on her show. Pitka also meets team coach Cherkov, and mocks his dwarfism. Pitka and Jane bond on the plane ride. Jane became a fan of Pitka's work due to the death of her father and admits she has a crush on Pitka. When Jane says she had a gay experience in college, Pitka gets an erection, causing his chastity belt to clank. During a game, Pitka encourages the rival team to beat up Darren to distract him. Darren begins to play well, but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Lè Coq and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck. Pitka has dinner with Jane and almost kisses her, but his chastity belt clanks again. She leaves feeling rejected. In revenge for Pitka's antics, Coach Cherkov punches Pitka in the testicles. Pitka throws a tantrum over the pain in his testicles as they are overly sensitive due to 33 years of blue balls. Dick Pants warns Pitka to hurry up the process, or he will lose his spot on Oprah to Deepak Chopra again. Pitka is adamant that Darren is not ready, but puts Darren and his wife together regardless. This reconciliation fails. Pitka then drives himself and Darren to Niagara Falls and helps Darren realize that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded, he had grown to believe Prudence would only love him if he won. With time running out, Pitka distracts Lè Coq with his idol, Celine Dion, and lies to Prudence that Darren stood up to his mom, encouraging her to return to her husband. With his newfound confidence due to Prudence taking him back, Darren plays like his old self, leading the Maple Leafs to three straight wins, taking the series to Game 7. During the final game, Lè Coq, having heard that Darren cannot play with his mother watching, gets her to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to flee. At the airport on his way to be a guest on Oprah, Pitka sees the news on television and goes back to help Darren. Pitka reveals his chastity belt to Jane, explaining why he pulled away from her. Jane says she understands. After standing up to his mother, Darren recovers until Lè Coq brags that Prudence prefers him in bed. Darren freezes, and Pitka realizes he needs another distraction, which he provides by getting two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink. Darren wakes from his stupor and scores the winning goal. After the game, Coach Cherkov apologizes for the groin attack, Pitka offers a hug, but as Cherkov obliges, he punches him in the face and threatens to beat him up if he ever attacks him again. They then make up and become friends. He then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra. Back in India, Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka's chastity belt, revealing there was just a hook in the back. The film ends with Jane and Pitka dancing together in a Bollywood-style number to a rendition of "The Joker".

Plot from The Love GuruCC BY-SA 4.0