Quotes

Dialogue

Oh wow, a police chase! [He goes up to the window] With bullets! [pushes up against the window smeared by a slice of pizza, causing his milkshake to splatter all over his face; angered] Aw, shit!

Dialogue

Chunk: Listen, okay. You guys will never believe me. There was two cop cars, okay? And they were chasin' this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flyin' all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw! Mikey: More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to your house to use the bathroom? Brand: More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right? Mouth: Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's pizza, right? [This line was dubbed as Straw Hat Pizza refused participation] Chunk: Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did. Data: 'Kay, Data, don't mess this one up, and prepare for the Wings of Flight! [swings toward the Goon Docks as the James Bond theme music plays in the background] Mikey: [notices Data flying towards the screen door] Uh-oh! Screen door! [to Mouth] Open the screen door! Data: Mikey! The s

Dialogue

Mrs. Walsh: Pants and shirts are in the second. Just throw them all into cardboard boxes. Forget the suitcases. Clark, can you translate all of that? Mouth: Why, certainly, Mrs. Walsh. Mrs. Walsh: That's wonderful. Mouth: [to Rosalita; in Spanish] The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed in the second. The heroin in the bottom. Always separate the drugs. Chunk: Look, how's that? How's that? Mikey: Oh, you idiot! You glued it on upside down! Brand: [disgusted] Dork, if God made you do it that way you'd all be pissin' in your faces! Chunk: Looks fine to me. Mrs. Walsh: Now Rosalita, this is the attic. Mr. Walsh doesn't like anybody up here, ever. I guess that's why it's always open. Mouth: [to Rosalita; in Spanish] Never go up there. It's filled with Mr. Walsh's SEXUAL TORTURE DEVICES. Mrs. Walsh: This is my supply closet. You'll find everything you need, brooms, dustpans, insect spray. I would really like the house clean when they tear it down. Clark, can you translat

Dialogue

Chunk: Hey, Mike found a map. Look, look, look. That says 1632. Is that a year or some'n? Mouth: [sarcastically] No, it's your top score on Pole Position. Mikey: Yes, it's a year, Chunk. Look, Data, it's a map of our coastline. Brand: What's all that Spanish junk right there? Mikey: Uh… Mouth, Mouth, you said you could translate. Translate, right here. Chunk: Yeah, translate it. Mouth: [translating the text] "Ye intruders beware. Crushing death and grief, soaked with blood of the trespassing thief." Brand: You guys, this map is old news. Everybody and their grandfather went looking for that. When our parents were our age. I mean, I mean… Haven't you ever heard of that guy, what's his name? The pirate guy. One-Eyed Willy. Mikey: [hearing that name before; whispers] One-Eyed Willy. [remembers] One-Eyed Willy! Yeah, he was the most famous pirate in his time! My dad told me all about him once. Brand: Dad will do anything to get you to go to sleep. Mikey: No. See, One-Eyed Willy stole a tre

Dialogue

Mouth: Senior jerk alert. Brand: Can I help you? Mr. Perkins: Hello, little guys. I'm Mr. Perkins, Troy's father. Data: We know who Troy is, he's that cheap guy! Brand: My dad's not home, Mr. Perkins. Mr. Perkins: Is your mommy here? Brand: [sarcastic tone] No, sir, actually she's down at the market buying Pampers for all us kids. Mr. Perkins: [feigning laughter] Papers, Bill. [He gives Brand some papers] You can give these papers to your father to read through and sign. We'll be by to pick them up in the morning. Brand: Thank you. Mr. Perkins: Thank you. Mikey: Hey, what is all that shit? Brand: It's Dad's business. Mikey: But what is it? Brand: I told you, it was Dad's business. Look at 'em smiling. [Perkins and his associate Bill walk to their car and leave] Data: They can't wait until tomorrow when they foreclose on all the whatever you call it! Mouth: And trash the Goon Docks... Brand: When they wreck our house, I hope they make it a sand trap. Mikey: And never get their balls out

Dialogue

Chunk: [pulls out a can of whipped cream from the fridge] Oh, God, am I depressed. Mikey: If I found One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff, I'd pay all my Dad's bills. Then maybe he could get to sleep at night, instead of sitting up trying to figure out a way for all of us to stay here. Data: Yeah, me too. Mouth: Me three. Chunk: Me four. Brand: Forget about any adventures, limp lungs. If I let you out, mom will ground my ass and I got a date with Andi on Friday, alright? Mouth: [sitting on the counter in the sink] You're dreaming, dude. There's no way, 'cause that means her mom's gotta drive. Then you gotta make it with her and her mom. Brand: Shut up, Mouth. Mikey: Shut up, Mouth. Mouth: Shut up, Data. [Brand annoyingly turns on the faucet of the sink; screams as his pants get soaking wet] Jesus! Mikey: [takes out the map and opens it up] Guys, what are we gonna do about that Country Club? It's killing our parents. If we don't do something now, there's gonna be a golf course right where we're

Dialogue

Mikey: What are you doing? It took him 376 lawnmower jobs to pay for that. It's his most favorite thing in the world! Mouth: Now it's his most flattest thing in the world. Let's go!

Dialogue

Mikey: [as Chunk is trying to get some words out] What is it? What, what is it? Spit it out. Chunk: You guys, if we don't get out of here soon, there's gonna be some… [quietly] hostage crisis. Out in the garage, ORV, four-wheel drive, bullet holes the size of matzo ba… Mouth: [covers Chunk's mouth, shutting him up] Chunk, I'm starting to O.D. on all your bullshit stories.

Dialogue

Mikey: Where's the men's restroom, please? Mama Fratelli: Can't you hold it? Mikey: No. Chunk: Mikey, this ain't the kinda place you wanna go to the bathroom in. Mama Fratelli: Why not? Chunk: Because they might have daddy longlegs in 'em. Mikey: But I gotta go to the bathroom. Chunk: Or dead things, Mikey, dead things.

Dialogue

Stef: Chunk, I hope that was your stomach. Mikey: No. That's the It. Chunk: Sounds like Kong. Mikey: Part of it's human. Come on. Wanna see it? Don't worry. It's chained to the wall.

Dialogue

Andi: Brand is being so sweet to me. Stef: Oh, come on. Come on! Where are you? You're in the clouds and we are in a basement!

Dialogue

Stef: [takes a news article off the wall with a headline reading: "FRATELLI'S AT IT AGAIN" and has their pictures beneath] You guys, I recognize these people! Brand: Look at it. It's the Fratellis. Data: Hey. That's the guy from upstairs. Mikey: And the guy who tried to sing. Chunk: See you guys, you never listen to me. I said there was gonna be trouble, but you didn't listen to me. You guys are crazy. You know you guys are self-destructive. There's a funny farm that has your names written all over it! [turns around and starts to leave] But I'm getting out of here. But... [stops when he smells something] I smell ice cream. [walks to a nearby walk-in freezer, turns on the light, and looks through the window] They got Swensen's. [opens the door, finding containers of ice cream] Oh, look, they got Pralines and Cream, and they got Mississippi Mud, and they got Chocolate Eruption! And they got Apple. Oh, and they got Grape. They got Grape, and Super-Duper Chocolate Eruption and… [notices hi

Dialogue

Jake: Ma, he's eating my pepperoni again. Francis: [pulls out his gun] You want your pepperoni? Huh?! [throws a slice of pizza at him] Jake: [pulls out his gun] Come on! Come on! Let's kill each other over the pepperoni! Mama Fratelli: Jake, put that gun away! I said, put that gun away now! Jake: You always take his side, mama, you always liked him better than me. Mama Fratelli: [slaps him in the face] That's right!

Dialogue

Mama Fratelli: Somebody's been here. The cooler's broken. [to Jake] Go check your brother. Jake: It could've been a tremor, Ma. Mama Fratelli: I'll show you a tremor. [slaps him hard in the face] Jake: [tearfully] I'll go check my brother. Mama Fratelli: He'd better not have broken those chains again. I'm not goin' back to the zoo for another set. Francis: Ma, just don't upset yourself. Mama Fratelli: Hurry up! [Chunk sneezes from inside the freezer] Gesundheit. Chunk: [exits the freezer] I'm cold. [closes the door and turns off the light] Brand: [whispering quietly] Psst. Chunk. Chunk, come here. Mikey: We're over here. Chunk: [walks over to the fireplace, where the others are hiding; whispering] What are you doing down there? Brand: Go get the police. Mikey: Chunk, we're in some serious shit here. You gotta get the police.

Dialogue

Mama Fratelli: Now, tell me where your other little friends are. Chunk: In the fireplace. Mama Fratelli: Don't lie to me! Chunk: Honestly, we went over to Mikey's dad's place, and we found a map that said that underneath this place there's buried treasure. Jake: Come on, don't give us none of your bullshit stories, huh? Francis: Hey, kid. I want you to spill your guts. Tell us everything. Chunk: Everything? Francis: Everything. Chunk: Everything. Okay, I'll talk. In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edith down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog...

Dialogue

Data: He's dead for sure. I think he's Chester Copperpot. Mouth: Chester who? Mikey & Brand: Who? Data: Don't you guys remember? From the attic? The news article. Mikey: [remembers] Oh, the news article, right. Data: See, they said the last guy who went looking for the rich stuff...they say he went in, but he never came back out. But see, that was like back in 1935. Oh, God, if he didn't make it out, and he was supposed to be an expert, what about us guys? How are we gonna get out of here, huh? Stef: Don't worry about it. Just calm down. Andi: You sure? Stef: Positive. Andi: How are we going to get out? Mikey: [unsure] We can't be sure it's Chester Copperpot. Data: I know it's him. I know, I read the article. Brand: I bet his ID's in his wallet. Mouth, get his wallet. Mikey: [finds an old baseball card of…] "Lou Gehrig?" Mouth: You get it, Mikey! Brand: Mouth, come on. Data: Mikey, get it. Brand: Get his wallet. Mikey: [takes out the wallet and reads the ID] It is Chester Copperpot. [s

Dialogue

Chunk: But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then… then, I made a noise like this. [imitates vomiting sounds] And…and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life. Jake: [patting Chunk's shoulder as he likes all of his stories] I'm beginnin' to like this kid, Ma. Mama Fratelli: [now officially impatient] Hit purée! [Francis turns on the blender] Chunk: No! I'm too young! No! I wanna play the violin! Not my hand! Mama Fratelli: Now, do I get the truth?! Do I get the truth... or do you get juiced? [a swarm of bats suddenly bursts in through the fireplace] Oh! What was that noise?! Jake: The fireplace blew! [the bats surround the Fratellis] Francis: He's not kiddin', Ma! It's a tunnel down there!

Dialogue

Data: Hey, Mouth, What year was that map made? Mouth: Oh, I don't know, probably a couple hundred years before, uh... President Lincoln, George Washington, uh, Martin Sheen-- Stef: "Martin Sheen"?! That's President (John F.) Kennedy, you idiot! Mouth: Well, same difference! I mean, he played Kennedy once! Stef: Oh, that's really smart. I'm glad to know you're using your brain! Mouth: Yeah, well, at least I have a brain! Stef: So stupid, Mouth! Mouth: OH, YEAH?! Stef: Yes. SHUT UP! Wait a minute, wait a minute. This isn't gold. This is a wishing well. Look. Look. Brand: Hey, you guys, it must be the Old Mossgarden Wishing Well. Andi: You know, I always used to believe that when you threw your money in, it turned into your wish. Mikey: You take that coin, and I'll take two coins. I'll take all your coins and you won't get any. Data: Hey, that's not fair. Stef: Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop. Data: Why? Stef: You can't do this. Data: Why? Mikey: Why? Stef: Because, these are somebody else's

Dialogue

Jake: You know, Ma, maybe we should keep him alive, just in case, uh, he isn't lying. Mama Fratelli: Good idea, Jake. Put him in with your brother. Jake: Okay, Ma. Come on, kid. [the doubloon falls from Chunk's pocket and onto the floor] You drop something? Mama Fratelli: [as Francis picks it up] What's that? What's that, a Cracker Jack prize? Francis: Holy shit! Chunk: We found it on the map. It's got something to do with the buried treasure. Francis: Jake, look at the date on it. Jake: This is authentic. Ma, this is a doubloon! Mama Fratelli: Give it to me. Chunk: [scarfing on ice cream] I told you so! See, you guys? You never believed me. I said there was gonna be buried... [Jake takes the ice cream out of his hands]

Dialogue

Chunk: [on the phone with the sheriff] Hello, Sheriff? I'm at the Lighthouse Lounge, and I wanna report, well, a murder. Sheriff: Wait a minute, wait a minute, just hold on here. Is that you again, Lawrence? Chunk: Sheriff, look, this time I'm telling you the truth. I'm locked inside the Fratellis' basement with this guy. Sloth: [getting ice cream from the freezer and smiles] Heh-heh, Rocky Road? Heh-heh. Sheriff: Like the time you told me about the 50 Iranian terrorists who took over all the Sizzler Steakhouses in the city? Chunk: [to Sloth] Sloth, get back here. Hold on. Sloth, what are you doing? Sheriff: Just like that last prank about all those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on them?

Dialogue

Mikey: Pee break! Who's gotta go? [they all raise their hands] Okay, this is the little boys' room, and that cave over there is the little girls' room. [Brand enters a third cave] Brand, where are you going? Brand: This is the "men's room".

Dialogue

Andi: Brand? Hurry, I'm in here. [singsong voice] With my eyes closed. Stef: Wrong way, lover-boy, it's this way. Mikey: [lovestruck] Thanks. Stef: Uh-huh. [Mikey leaves; to Andi] Okay, you kissed. Now tell. Andi: There's something weird. Stef: What? What is it? Andi: Does Brand wear braces? [Stef guffaws] Why are you laughing? Stef, it was beautiful. Stef: Next time you kiss him, do it with your eyes open. It's a whole different experience. Andi: Ah, be careful around here, there's a hole I think. I think Brand was standing in it.

Dialogue

Andi: I can't tell... if it's an "A sharp" or if it's a "B flat"! Mikey: [nervous chuckle] If you hit the wrong note, we'll all be flat!

Dialogue

Mikey: Mouth, translate. Brand: What'd you guys find, huh? Mouth: Ah, translate nothing! It's just a sketch of the old cannonball chamber. WHERE'S THE GOLD?! Stef: Where's the gold, Mikey?!

Dialogue

Mikey: Hi, Willy. Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well, I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece... so far. [lifts up Willy's patch, exposing bare bone rather than an eye socket] So... that's why they call you "One-Eyed Willy"... One-Eyed Willy. [takes a breath from his inhaler] We have a lot in common, huh, Willy? You know something, Willy? You're the first Goonie. [turns and sees his brother and his friends have shown up] Oh. Hi guys. How's it goin'? This is Willy. One-Eyed Willy. Say hi, Willy. Those are my friends. The Goonies. How long have you guys been standing there? Brand: Long enough, Mikey. Long enough. Mikey: What are you staring at? Let's go! Load it up! Anything you can put in your pockets. [The Goonies grab gold doubloons, pearl necklaces and expensive jewelry. Data is about to take gold coins from a scale but Mikey slaps his hand away, since it's booby-trapped, though he and the others don't seem to know it] Except that. Brand: Why? Mike

Dialogue

Mama Fratelli: [aims her sword at Mouth and Stef, forcing them to walk off the plank] Go join your friends, you weasels! Sloth: HEY, YOU GUYS! [jabs a dagger in the ship's sail and he and Chunk slide down] Stef & Mouth: Chunk! Mikey: Chunk! Mama Fratelli: Sloth?! How did he get out? Chunk: Sloth, save them! Save them, it's Mouth and Stef! Chunk: Yay, Sloth! Mikey: Chunk! Chunk: No, it's Cap'n Chunk!

Dialogue

Mikey: Brand, we can't go. We can't leave all that gold. That's our future. Brand: No, Mikey, we stay here, we got no future. Now, come on. We'll come back for it later. Mikey: [moping in disappointment] All that rich stuff. Brand: COME ON! [grabs and drags him]

Dialogue

Data: [lighting up the last "candle" as it sparkles] Hey, this is a funny candle. It's sparkling. Brand: It's not a candle… Mikey, Brand, & Data: [alarmed in horror] IT'S DYNAMITE!!!

Dialogue

Mikey: Sorry, Dad. We had our hands on the future. But we blew it to save our own lives. Sorry. Mr. Walsh: That's all right. You and Brand are home safe with your mom and me. That makes us the richest people in Astoria.

Dialogue

Sheriff: [seeing something in the distance] Holy Mary, Mother of God. Look at that. Reporter: Ladies and Gentlemen we're at Cauldron Point, and what appears to be a pirate ship… Mikey: [blowing a farewell kiss for One-Eyed Willy] Bye, Willy. Thanks.