Meet the Parents

Jack: Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids... and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience — it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain... that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg? Greg: Sure, I think so. Jack: No. The answer is, you cannot.

Meet the Parents, CC BY-SA 4.0

Jack: Greg, would you like to say grace? Pam: Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that. Jack: You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection. Greg: No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table. Pam: Okay. Greg: O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle... and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts... for the... smorgasbord... You have so aptly lain at our table this day... and each day... by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly. To see Thee more clearly. To follow Thee more nearly... day by day... by day. Amen. Amen. Dina: [moved] Oh, Greg, that was lovely. Jack: [a bit stumped, but still impressed] Thank you, Greg. That was interesting, too.

Meet the Parents, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dina: Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem? Jack: Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that. Greg: What? No! What... what... what poem? Dina: You see, when Jack had to retire... for health reasons... Jack: That's a bunch of malarkey. Honey, I'm fine. Dina: The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he... sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother. Pam: Please, we really wanna hear it. Greg: Poem, poem. Please! Jack: Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate... and put it next to the urn. Greg: Nice. Dina: It's very special. Jack: "My Mother," by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven. But you were also an angel of God, and He needed you, too. Selfishly, I tried to keep you here... while the cancer ate away your organs... like an unstoppable rebel forc

Meet the Parents, CC BY-SA 4.0

Jack: [slowly] Have you ever watched pornographic videos? Greg: [long pause; sees readout beginning to skew, then tries to keep calm before answering] No. [looks at graph and Jack sees needles skewing wildly] I mean, well, I don't. Jack: Yes or no?

Meet the Parents, CC BY-SA 4.0

Pam: I love you, Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room] Jack: [to Dina] So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam! Dina: Well, who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him. I think it's time for you to find out what Pam wants.

Meet the Parents, CC BY-SA 4.0

Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that. Greg: I got it. Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit. Greg: No, I'm not — hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay? Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir. Greg: I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline — you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay? Flight Attendant: I can assure you that your bag... will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage. Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there? Flight Attendant: No. Greg: No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole... and listen to me when I say that I am finished... with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!

Meet the Parents, CC BY-SA 4.0