Quotes

Other

Oh, guys, don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. It was beeping all night.

Other

You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half...for example.

Other

Your mom just died! ..... I mean, that's why you're home.

Dialogue

Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much. Sam: I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's sorta all we have. Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone. Sam: I still feel at home in my house. Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. I don't know maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Dialogue

Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss. Albert: Thanks...Hey, you too.

Dialogue

Sam: Well, don't try anything funny, 'cause my uncle's a bounty hunter and he can have you tracked and killed. Andrew Largeman: You're such a liar.

Dialogue

Rude Girl Customer: I'll have a Ketel Cosmo, with Red Bull, and some bread, ASAP. Andrew Largeman: We don't have bread. Rude Girl Customer: What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread? Andrew Largeman: We're a Vietnamese restaurant. We just don't have bread. Rude Girl Customer: Well, you're not Vietnamese. Andrew Largeman: No, I'm not. Rude Girl Customer: Can I have something to chew on? Fuck, bamboo! Whatever! Andrew Largeman: I'll see what I can find.

Dialogue

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day! Sam: I'm not innocent. Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are. That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other, or whatever else is down here! Mark: Man, that's the most worked up I've ever seen you. Sam: He's protecting me. Andrew Largeman: So? Sam: He likes me! Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute. Sam: He's my knight in shining armor. Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights in front of Mark. It's a sore subject. Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Dialogue

Andrew Largeman: You're a cop, Kenny? Kenny: Yeah, I know. Andrew Largeman: Why? Kenny: I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do. Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like, ummmm... rich! Andrew Largeman: But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal. Kenny: I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making shit at that fish market. No one knew who I was. I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.

Dialogue

Sam: We're not gonna make out or anything, okay? Andrew Largeman: What? Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?

Dialogue

Andrew Largeman: So what were you really doing there? Sam: Charging. I'm a robot. Andrew Largeman: Do you lie a lot? Sam: What do you consider a lot? Andrew Largeman: Enough for people to call you a liar. Sam: People call me lots of things. Andrew Largeman: Is one of them liar? Sam: I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying? Andrew Largeman: I guess I could choose to trust you. Sam: You can do that? Andrew Largeman: I can try.

Dialogue

Sam: I haven't even lied in like, the past two days. Andrew Largeman: Is that true? Sam: No.

Dialogue

Tim: By the way, it says "Balls" on your face. Andrew: [to Mark] Asshole. Mark: My mom did it.

Dialogue

Jesse: Dude, maybe you should stay over by the steps. I don't know CPR. Mark: You look like a wet beaver.

Dialogue

Raise your hand if you just saw some titties Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!

Dialogue

Mark's Mom: Don't be shy, Tim, tell them what you said to me last night. Tim: No... Mark: Tell us what you said to her last night! Tim: [In Klingon] Kiteeki maru, al fooksu. Mark: You have got to be kidding me. Mark's Mom: It means "I like to mate after battle." Tim: That isn't what I said. Mark's Mom: Yeah... Tim: NO, that isn't the one I said! This one means "Kill Kirk".... and also, "hallelujah", depending on the context...

Dialogue

Largeman: Oh, you mean Gymnastics Tina? How did she do it? Mark: I don't know. She isn't Jewish, I didn't bury her. Karl Benson: I think it was painkillers. Or that car in the garage thing.