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Thornton Melon: Home, Sweet Home. Lou: I liked the old house better. Thornton Melon: So did I. Lou: I liked the old wife better, too! Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.

Back to School, CC BY-SA 4.0

Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it. Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college? Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.

Back to School, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dean Martin: [Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business] Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business. Dr. Phillip Barbay: [Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside] David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable. Dean Martin: Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check. Dr. Phillip Barbay: [glaring at Martin in dismay] It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work! Thornton Melon: [chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings. Dr. Phi

Back to School, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dr. Turner: [Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way] Who is that? Dr. Phillip Barbay: That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter. Dr. Turner: Oh, I think he was just having fun. Dr. Phillip Barbay: Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then. Dr. Turner: Oh, Phillip.

Back to School, CC BY-SA 4.0

Thornton Melon: When's our first class? Jason Melon: Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock. Thornton Melon: 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock. Jason Melon: No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage. Thornton Melon: All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.

Back to School, CC BY-SA 4.0

Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am? Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man! Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home. Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know? Player #1: Shut up, meat-head! Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head. Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it? Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset... Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical. Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem? Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem. Lou: Well, now you do.

Back to School, CC BY-SA 4.0