Quotes

The National Anthem [1.01]

Alex Cairns: Meanwhile, the demand has been made, and there's not long to formulate our response. Michael: Well, I'm not fucking a pig. Page one, that's not happening. Alex Cairns: Of course.

The National Anthem [1.01]

Tom Blice: Don't run it, Martin. Martin: I'm sorry, I can't help you. Tom Blice: You know how much help you're getting from here on in? Multiply nothing by shit all. UKN is dead to us. Shove it up your ass, you fuck...

The National Anthem [1.01]

Michael: I won't have to do anything. Jane: Everyone's laughing at us. Michael: You don't know that. Jane: I know people. We love humiliation. We can't not laugh. Michael: Nothing is going to happen. Jane: It's already happening in their heads. In their heads, that's what you're doing. What my husband is doing.

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]

[to Abi] You've got a phenomenal voice. It was the most beautiful song. You think I'm being cheesy? All right, I am being cheesy. But it was beautiful, so, you know reality's cheesy sometimes. Not often, admittedly, but now.

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]

Abi: You heard me singing in a toilet. Is that real? Bing: More than anything that's happened all year. Abi: I can't take that kind of clockage off someone. It's 12 mils, no way. Bing: Let me do this. I...I look around here, I just...I just want something real to happen. Just once.

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]

Judge Hope: Well? Come on. Got our attention, as requested. What do you want to say? Have you prepared a speech, is that it? Speak! Bing: I haven't got a speech. I didn't plan words. I didn't even try to. I just knew I had to get here, to stand here, and I knew I wanted you to listen. To really listen, not just pull a face like you're listening, like you do the rest of the time. A face like you're feeling instead of processing. You pull a face, and poke it towards the stage, and we lah-di-dah, we sing and dance and tumble around. And all you see up here, it's not people, you don't see people up here, it's all fodder. And the faker the fodder is, the more you love it, because fake fodder's the only thing that works any more. Fake fodder, it's all that we can stomach. Actually, not quite all. Real pain, real viciousness, that we can take. Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole, we laugh ourselves feral, because we've earned the right, we've done cell time and he's slacking, the scum, so ha-ha-h

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]

Judge Hope: I know you've got me down as this creature. You know, hey, I get where you're coming from. I like your stuff. Bing: It's not stuff. It's truth. Judge Hope: Am I right? Your truth, admittedly, but truth nonetheless.

Fifteen Million Merits [1.02]

You know the only thing stopping me from slashing myself open right now? I might not die right away. And before I went, they'd find a way to charge my twitching half-dead cadaver 20,000 merits for swabbing the walls clean.

The Entire History of You [1.03]

Ffion: Serial monogamist. Jonas: I'm a serial monogamist. I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

The Entire History of You [1.03]

Ffion: I downplayed it. I fudged it, it was... Liam: You lied. Ffion: Not everything that isn't true is a lie.

The Entire History of You [1.03]

You know when you suspect something, it's always better when it turns out to be true. It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.

Be Right Back [2.01]

Martha: I mean, it's totally batshit crazy I can even talk to you. Ash Program: I mean, I don't even have a mouth. Martha: That's... that's just... Ash Program: Just what? Martha: That's just the sort of thing that he would say. Ash Program: Well, that's why I said it.

Be Right Back [2.01]

Martha: And I shouldn't have drunk last night. Next time, could you try and stop me? Ash-2: Stop you drinking? Martha: Yeah. Ash-2: So I get to enjoy being a bit of a bastard?

Be Right Back [2.01]

Martha: Don't call me your administrator. Ash-2: Why not? Martha: Because... Ash-2: It sounds sort of sexy.

Be Right Back [2.01]

Martha: See, he would have worked out what was going on. This wouldn't ever have happened, but if it had, he would have worked it out. Ash-2: Sorry, hang on. that's a very difficult sentence to process.

Be Right Back [2.01]

Martha: Jump. Ash-2: What? Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm. Martha: Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you? Ash-2: That's another difficult one, to be honest with you. Martha: You're just a few ripples of you. There's no history to you. You're just a performance of stuff that he performed without thinking, and it's not enough.

White Bear [2.02]

Victoria: So this--this thing on the TV, the... Jem: The signal. Victoria: That's what's doing it? That's what's making them act like this? Jem: I guess they were always like that underneath. Just needed the rules to change, for no-one to intervene.

White Bear [2.02]

Jem: You nearly killed us back there. Baxter: Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting you to be there, was I? I've just saved your lives. A wee "thank you" would be nice. I should've just run yous over.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Jamie: You're not going to win, though. Gwendolyn: Of course not. Jamie: So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway". Gwendolyn: It doesn't work like that. Jamie: Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Jack: The video was a hit for a reason. Jamie: The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate. Jack: It doesn't matter. Jamie: Or funny, which is almost worse.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Jack: Look we--we don't need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. Let the people vote--thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. That's a democracy. That's a--that's an actual democracy. Jamie: So's YouTube, and I don't know if you've seen it, but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Carter: In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. He's the perfect assassin. Jamie: We won't win, though. Carter: You guys are so British. No, of course he won't win.

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Monroe: You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon. Jamie: [as Waldo] Who you calling a kiddie toon, fool? Monroe: I'm, I'm, I'm speaking about James Salter. Hm? Don't worry about it. That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial. I notice you keep that pretty quiet. And now, of course, operating this sort of teddy bear thing. Which, by the way, is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. See, this is, this is the thing: it's easy, what he does. He mocks. And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. I think that

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Jamie: [as Waldo, with genuine venom] You're a joke. You look less human than I do, and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. Jamie: [as Waldo] What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. No one takes you seriously! That's why no one votes! Monroe: The vast majority do vote-- Jamie: [as Waldo] It's bullshit. Monroe: Surely this is enough? Jamie: [as Waldo] You think you deserve respect. Monroe: Just common courtesy-- Jamie: [as Waldo] Because you went to public school and grew up believing you were entitled to everything! Monroe: Ad hominem nonsense. Host: Perhaps we could get back--? Gwendolyn Harris, um-- Jamie: [as Waldo] Something's got to change. No one trusts you lot, cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble! What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddie-flasher? You knew him for twenty years, did you not know what he was like?! Monroe: [more taken aback] No, of course not

The Waldo Moment [2.03]

Jamie: Attention, shoppers. I'm here to ask you an important favor. Gather round. Come over here and listen. Don't vote for me, I'm an insult. Seriously. Vote for Monroe or Harris, or, I dunno, UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy. Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me! I'm worse than a wasted vote! I mean it, you idiots, don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! DON'T VOTE FOR ME! DON'T VOTE FO-- Harris Campaign Aide: [towards crowd] Shut up! Jamie: No, don't boo him! He's right, he's right. Jack: What are you doing?! Jamie: Resigning. Jamie: Look, it's me, I'm Waldo! This guy, whoever this guy is, [gestures towards Harris' campaign aide] he's a hero! You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news! Woman in Crowd: He's funny! Jamie: He's not. Jack: [as Waldo] Don't listen to that man! He's a lesbian! Ahh! Jack: So, remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff like new catchphrases and a new hat n' that. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for m

White Christmas

I know we didn't have decorations last year, but, uh, couldn't find them last year. We were only supposed to have stored essentials here. I think it's adorable someone thinks tinsel is... essential.

White Christmas

Matt: Look, come on, there is a little bit of a conversational drought happening here. My ears need water. Potter: Not big on conversation. Matt: Practice makes perfect. Potter: Maybe I'll bore you. Matt: Buddy, look. At this point, being bored by anything other than snow would be a relief.

White Christmas

Matt: People want to be noticed. They don't like to be shut out. It makes them feel invisible. But... this girl. This girl seemed content with being ignored. Potter: Maybe she could smell a loser. Matt: No. No, she was an outsider. An attractive outsider. There's nothing more tantalizing than that.

White Christmas

People just want to be heard. That's why 90% of seduction is just listening.

White Christmas

Matt: You're a locked box. I mean, that's a good thing. Most people are too easy to read, especially if you know minds. Potter: Using party tricks to pick up girls isn't knowing minds. Matt: The picking up girls thing was a hobby. My job was completely different. You'll never guess what that was. Potter: Marketing person? Matt: No. Potter: Door-to-door salesman? Matt: Please. Potter: Proctologist? Matt: You're never going to get it. Potter: I'm not going to try.

White Christmas

It wasn't really 70 minutes, not to him. When he was first ingested, I tweaked the time preferences, made it seem like five years from his perspective. Some might say that five years with me is punishment enough.

White Christmas

Listen, it's easier if you just comply.

White Christmas

Fenn: Just changed the time settings. Cranked him up to a thousand years a minute - there's a proper sentence. Or do you want me to switch him off? Holder: [after a moment's thought] No. Leave him on for Christmas.

Nosedive [3.01]

There's sugary and then there's fucking diabetes!

Nosedive [3.01]

It turned out a lot of my friends didn't care for honesty. Treated me like I had taken a shit at their breakfast table. But Jesus Christ, it felt good.

Nosedive [3.01]

Lacie: We met when we were five years old, and right up through to our teenage years, we made... quite the pair. We, we'd talk about all the things girls talk about. You know, boys, hair, products, uh... more boys. [laughs] I mean, I tried sometimes to expand our range a little and talk about climate change, but she found that kind of boring, so... She was probably right. I mean, fuck the planet, right? Woman: Whoo! Lacie: Yes, thank you! Come on. Let's have a little fun here! You know, fuck the planet! [laughs again, then yells into the microphone in a burst of anger] FUCK THE PLANET!

Nosedive [3.01]

Lacie: The fuck are you looking at? Man in Jail: Just what I was wondering. Lacie: Well... don't! Man in Jail: Don't? Don't wonder? Lacie: Uh-huh! Man in Jail: It'd be a dull world without wondering. Lacie: I don't give a shit about your world! Man in Jail: I don't like your brassiere. Lacie: I don't like your moustache. Man in Jail: I don't like your aura. Lacie: My aura? Man in Jail: Yeah. Lacie: I don't like your... head. Your entire head is just ridiculous to me. Man in Jail: Really? Lacie: You look like an alcoholic former weatherman. Man in Jail: You sound like a lost little lamb that just got told there's no Santa Claus! Lacie: What sort of cartoon character did your mom have to fuck to brew you up in the womb? Man in Jail: At least I look like I was born, not shit out by some... tormented cow creature in an underground lab! Lacie: You got tossed out of that lab. Man in Jail: Oh yeah? Lacie: Oh yeah, flushed out! Man in Jail: Ooooh! Lacie: [starting to laugh] In the trash! Your

Playtest [3.02]

You are a top bird. I don't know what that means, but I heard someone say it once and you're it.

Playtest [3.02]

Katie: What we're working on is an interactive augmented reality system. Cooper: Like VR? Katie: More like layers on top of reality. Cooper: Oh. Okay, um... Cooper: Um... what's that? Katie: We call this a mushroom. Cooper: Like Mario Brothers? Katie: If you like. Cooper: You're qualified to do this, right? Katie: I haven't killed anyone yet. May I?

Playtest [3.02]

Shou Saito: I've always liked to make the player jump. Frightened. You get scared, you jump. Afterwards, you feel good. Why? Cooper: Uh, um, because of the adrenaline rush? Shou Saito: Yes. But mostly because you are still alive. You have faced your greatest fears in a safe environment. It is a release of fear. It liberates you. Cooper: Yeah. I mean, totally. Shou Saito: What we are working on now is the most personal survival horror game in history. Cooper: [laughs] Cool. Shou Saito: One that works out how to scare you by using your own mind. Cooper: Whoa! That... that sounds crazy. Can't wait! Katie: I'm uploading a neural net package. Cooper: [still amused] "Neural net packing". "Neuronet". Hmm... Name could use a little work, I think, it's all 90s. I'm just kidding, it's a good name. Katie: It's state of the art intelligence software. It learns and adapts on the fly. It'll monitor your brain activity and try and work out how best to frighten you, and then adjust to your experience

Playtest [3.02]

Katie: [over the earpiece] You're being discursive. Cooper: What is "discursive"? "Discursive"... Katie: Talkative. Cooper: Mm-hmm. Katie: Rambling. Cooper: [laughs] Is that a problem? Katie: People sometimes talk more when they're afraid. Helps compensate for the fear. Masks it, too. Cooper: Oh yeah? Katie: Similar to when you've got the TV on late at night. The voices make you feel less alone. Even though you are alone. Cooper: [laughing, amused] You aren't scaring me, Kate! Katie: Pity.

Playtest [3.02]

Shou Saito: What happened? Katie: His phone rang. Shou Saito: You didn't take it off him? Katie: Yes, but-- Shou Saito: The signals interfere. Katie: I know I switched it off. Maybe he did something while I was out of the room. An oversight. Won't happen again. Shou Saito: The incoming signal must have interfered with the upload sequence. Katie: [sighs in dismay] Every synapse in his brain lit up at once. Then went dead. Like that. Shou Saito: You said he shouted something. What was it? Katie: "Mom." Shou Saito: [after a moment's thought] Make a note of that. Katie: Yes.

Shut Up and Dance [3.03]

Hector: This gets out, I will lose my kids. And I swear to God, I will stand in a kitchen and put a fucking breadknife through my throat if that happens! Kenny: [in a broken voice] I only... I only looked at pictures, and-- Hector: And beat one off on camera? That's what they got, yeah? Your hot little face, blurred fist, dick burping fucking spunk everywhere? Your mom's gonna love that on Facebook, Twitter, Insta-fucking-whatever. And her friends. All eyes on you, givin' it that... [makes masturbation gesture] Toss in the cunts at work calling you Spurty McGoo, laughing at your cum-face, making it their desktop wallpaper. It's not just weeks, we're talking years here - when pictures hang about on Google like a Gypsy fucking curse. There's no cure for the Internet, it would never go away. It would be glued to your name, a fucking stain on you! I'd hang myself if that was me. Crack my fucking neck at the first opportunity. Hector: Hey, listen, Kenny. Look, I'm sorry about... just back t

San Junipero [3.04]

Yorkie: Oh, sorry. I'm... I said I'm not much of a dancer. Kelly: No shit. Like a frightened horse on a frozen lake back there.

San Junipero [3.04]

Kelly: Want to go to bed with me? We could be back at mine like... [snaps fingers] Yorkie: I never did anything like that. Kelly: All the more reason.

San Junipero [3.04]

Yorkie: I guess you deflowered me. Kelly: I "deflowered" you? What is this, merry England?

San Junipero [3.04]

Yorkie: You married me. Kelly: To help you pass over. As a kindness. Yorkie: It's not so kind to leave.

San Junipero [3.04]

Forty-nine years. I was with him for 49 years. You can't begin to imagine. You can't know. The bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The fucking love. You just cannot know. Everything we sacrificed. The years I gave him, the years he gave me. Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask? We had a daughter. Allison. Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart, and Richard and I felt that heartbreak as one. You think you're the only person ever suffered? Go fuck yourself.

Men Against Fire [3.05]

His aim's so bad he's the only guy on earth who can shit his own pants and miss.

Men Against Fire [3.05]

Humans. You know, we give ourselves a bad rep, but we're genuinely empathetic as a species. I mean, we don't actually really want to kill each other. Which is a good thing... until your future depends on wiping out the enemy.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]

Blue: I mean, out here in the field-- Karin: What fucking field? Blue: Well, you know what I mean. Out here in the... the real world, you can genuinely prevent stuff, can't you? Karin: You are young. Blue: Maybe you're old.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]

The heat in a marriage, that's in 3D, that's... had work put into it. That's sincere. Yeah, I'm divorced.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]

Shaun: Government's not going to pump billions into it just cause some lab coat says so and it grabs 200 green votes. They saw an opportunity to get more, they took it. Blue: Total nationwide surveillance. Shaun: We tracked suspects for weeks in ways they couldn't dream of. We prevented bombings, mass shootings-- Blue: By spying on the public. Shaun: And keeping them safe, which is what they want! Blue: Clara Meades isn't safe, though, is she, Shaun? Knowing what you knew, that might've helped us, but no, you kept your little fucking secret. Karin: Okay, the government's a cunt. We knew that already.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]

It was like having a whole weather system turn against me. Just hate message after hate message, around the clock, all piling on. It's hard to describe what that does to your head. Suddenly there's a million invisible people, all talking about how they despise you. It's like a mental illness.

Hated in the Nation [3.06]

Lunatic with production values. That's the worst kind.

USS Callister [4.01]

What is Space Fleet? I'll tell you what it is. It is a belief system founded on the very best of human nature. It is a goal for us to strive towards for the betterment of the universe, for the betterment of life itself. And you assholes are fucking it up!

USS Callister [4.01]

Cole: If you think that I'm playing along with your Space Force bullshit-- Daly: Space Fleet. Cole: Whatever! You can think again. Daly: This is my ship. I am your captain. An order is an order. Cole: Then go fuck yourself. Sir. Daly: Okay. So we're doing it this way. Cole: [scoffs] Are you gonna throw a fireball? Daly: [mockingly] Oh dear! You can't see, you can't breathe. Unpleasant, isn't it? Do you submit? You won't die, you know. No one dies in here unless I want them to. I can keep you like this forever if I feel like it. Forever gasping for breath with a mouth that isn't there. Do you... submit? Daly: [patting her head] Good girl.

USS Callister [4.01]

Valdack: [injured] We've fought many battles, haven't we, Captain? Daly: We have. Valdack: And I've been a good adversary for you, have I not? Then please... end it. Please. Daly: Killing in cold blood is against Space Fleet code. [mockingly, as Valdack whimpers] I wish I could help. Sorry, bud.

USS Callister [4.01]

Walton: "And so say--" Oh, my fuck...! Daly: [after holding his face for a moment] That wasn't very nice. [holds up his hand again, much to Cole's terror, then lowers it] Today I will show you mercy. Dudani: Great mercy-showing, Captain. Packer: Shh! Daly: Tomorrow you should reconsider your... amenability. I may not be feeling so benevolent. Exit game. [vanishes] Lowry: Oh, fucking hell...! Tulaska: This was tense. [glancing pointedly at Cole] I don't like tense. Walton: Drink? Tulaska: Mm-hmm.

USS Callister [4.01]

Okay. Stealing my pussy is a red fucking line!

USS Callister [4.01]

Daly: I tried the carrot, now meet the stick. Cole: No, no, this is gonna make you happy, Daly, 'cause you're sick... and you need help. Lowry: No, don't, don't! [nervously] Captain... Captain, please. Okay, look, she's new. She'll behave. We'll all behave. Just... let her off. Let her off this once. Please... Daly: Okay. Cole: NO! DALY, NO! No, no, no, no...! Daly: [to Cole, with smug satisfaction] You know what makes me happy? The look on your face right now. Dudani, Walton, Tulaska, take this thing to the brig with Valdack. Packer, find a barren planet we can dump her on. [to a sobbing Cole] And you... can just stay here and think about your attitude. Exit game. [vanishes]

USS Callister [4.01]

Cole: Why won't you fight back? Walton: Tommy. Cole: Who is Tommy? Walton: He's my son. He's six years old, at least he was when I woke up in here. See, in the early days of this ship, it was just me and Daly. I was his pet project. He tried everything to break me, and I withstood it all 'cause I just thought there was still a chance I could get out and see my boy again. In a way, I was right, I did get to see him again. Just not the real him. Daly told me what happened. Back on the outside, the real me, uh brought Tommy to work one day, showed him around. He would've loved seeing all those computers. He's really into that stuff. Anyway, evidently Tommy had a lollipop that day. That's all Daly needed. He copied him in here. It was Tommy all right. He was alike in every way. You know what he did to him? He took Tommy and he threw him out of the airlock. Right out into space. And he made me watch. Have you ever seen an unsuited body compress in space? They freeze and crack like a porcela

USS Callister [4.01]

Daly: If you thought what happened to you in the past was bad, that was nothing! What I'm going to do to you is going to be goddamn fucking biblical! I'm literally going to turn your insides out, but I'll keep you alive in tiny little jars! And there you'll stay until I'm bored of you-- Cole: Why are we listening to this? Tulaska: Yeah, fuck him! [turns off intercom]

USS Callister [4.01]

Walton: Hey, Robert. Daly: God, so help me, you are going to regret all of this so hard! Walton: Bob, I wanna talk to you here! I was thinking I should say sorry. Daly: Go on. Walton: You created Infinity. You're a fucking genius. I exploited that. I treated you like a golden goose and I got fat on the profits, figuratively speaking. And I was thinking I should have appreciated you more, you know? I should have treated you better. Yeah, yeah, I was thinking I should say all that. But you threw my son out of an airlock, so fuck you to death!

USS Callister [4.01]

[repeatedly, hysterically] EXIT FUCKING GAME!

USS Callister [4.01]

Cole: Oh, man, are we glad to hear from- Gamer691: Yeah, Merry Christmas. So are we gonna blow each other or are we gonna trade? Cole: Oh Hmm. Gamer691: Hello? Do you have anything to trade at all? Nanette: No, uh - Gamer691: [sighs] So why did you respond? OK, just get the hell out of my quadrant or I'll blast you to shit. You've got ten seconds. Ten... Cole: Oh, well, do try. We'll photon-bolt you up the perineum, you stupid little boy. Gamer691: Scary... Nine...

Hang the DJ [4.04]

Frank: Well I learned what it's like to co-habit with someone I despise, is that useful for the system? Coach: Everything happens for a reason.

Black Museum [4.06]

There's something kinda kinky about it. It's like the ultimate piercing.

Black Museum [4.06]

See, it's like eating chilies. You acclimatize fast. First time you had a jalapeno, bet you spat it out, too hot. But persevere and it becomes addictive. Soon, a jalapeno's not enough. You work your way up: red-hot chilies, bird's-eye chilies, till you get to them Scotch bonnet devils. Dawson's craving was just the same. Before you know it, he's hanging around the ER just waiting for a juicy accident victim to latch onto. All he can think about is that next hit gnawing away up there. "Give it back to me! Give it back! I gotta have it back!"

Black Museum [4.06]

Rolo Haynes: Dawson was home alone 24/7, climbing the walls. Withdrawal, I guess. He didn't have patients to leech pain off anymore. So he started inflicting it... on himself. Spent a week just whittling away at himself. Cut here, a gouge there. I mean, the guy was a doctor. He knew how far he could go without it getting fatal. But it was never enough. None of it was enough. When he worked on himself, there was a crucial ingredient missing: fear. The amygdala - little almond-shaped nubbin in your brain. When you're afraid, it lights up like a midnight airstrike, sharpens the senses. The fear the patient feels when they're staring up at that ceiling light, the fear accompanying each sudden jab of agony - he'd come to appreciate that, too. It went with the pain. Complemented it, like red wine and steak. You can inflict pain on yourself, but not terror. For that... you need a volunteer. Rolo Haynes: Dawson was practically coming when they found him. He'd enjoyed one big old speedball of f

Black Museum [4.06]

Carrie: So now we're just openly checking out women's racks? And don't say you weren't, because I can feel the fucking boner forming, okay? And he checks her ass too as she leaves, holy fuck. Jack: [annoyed] So I checked her out. What? I'm horny as fuck, haven't jerked off in, like, a month. Carrie: Well, I'm not stopping you. Jack: You're looking over my shoulder, but from the inside. It's like trying to jerk off in front of a cop who's also your mom. Carrie: Fuck you!

Black Museum [4.06]

Rolo Haynes: Having a backseat driver glued into the back seat ain't no fun for anyone in the car. No privacy for him, no agency for her. Nish: It'd drive you mental. Rolo Haynes: [with a hint of glee] Exactly!

Black Museum [4.06]

Emily: Monkey just needs a minute to get used to how things are gonna be. Emily: Now listen, you fucking bitch. We can still have you wiped. That what you want? [silence] Do "monkey needs a hug" for no. Carrie/Monkey: Monkey needs a hug. Emily: Are you gonna be a good toy? [silence] Are you gonna be a good toy?! Carrie/Monkey: Monkey loves you. Emily: You'd better. Rolo Haynes: [narrating] Anyhow, in the end, Parker got tired of his new toy. But that's kids. They're ingrates. Carrie/Monkey: Monkey needs a hug. Nish: Whoa... Wait, so this is a crime museum. Where's the crime in this? Rolo Haynes: Well, the monkey is the crime. See, a couple of years back, the UN made it illegal to transfer human consciousnesses into limited formats like this. Gotta be able to express at least five emotions for it to be humane, apparently. [chuckles] Human rights for cookies! Right, Carrie? Carrie/Monkey: Monkey needs a hug. Nish: [shocked] She's still in there? Rolo Haynes: [nonchalantly] It'd be illega

Black Museum [4.06]

Nish: But he never did get that pardon. Rolo Haynes: Shit, no! 'Cause he was guilty! Nish: But wasn't there some doubt? You know, that documentary? Rolo Haynes: Fake news! Hatchet job! Nish: What about the DNA tampering? Rolo Haynes: Seriously? There's no doubt about it! The day he got the chair was a great day for justice. Clayton couldn't complain. I mean, he was gonna be a pioneer. I was gonna slurp up his entire consciousness. He'd be the first guy on death row to survive his own execution.

Black Museum [4.06]

Is it hot? It's humid, right? I'm sorry. Easy to hack. "Never accept drinks from strangers." [places a mind-transferring device on Haynes' face] My daddy taught me that. Going by the colour of your lips, you're gonna be gone in thirty seconds. Hey, don't worry. We're gonna see you on the other side...

Smithereens

MODERN FUCKING COMPANIES! EVERYONE LOOKS SO FUCKING YOUNG! How is anybody looking in supposed to have a sense of the... fucking hierarchy?! Jesus Christ! Half of you cunts coming out of that building are dressed like fucking gap year students! I mean, what...?! FUCK! Children! The whole Smithereen building is a box full of fucking children getting their fingers everywhere! [makes beeps and mimics wiping a phone] Wiping your shit, your fucking app shit up everybody's phone! Everywhere you look, people are hooked on the things! It's like... it's like chain-smoking! Did you make a lot of cash out of that, did you?! And you lot are hooked on them as well! Every single person that comes out of that building is like... [mimics using phone again] People don't even look up anymore! The sky could turn fucking purple and you cunts wouldn't notice for a month! You didn't look up, and look where that got you! Sitting in the back like that! [after a moment's silence] An intern! WHY DIDN'T YOU DRESS

Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too

GET THIS FUCKING CABLE OUT OF MY ASS! Holy shit, it's like a wire anchor in my butthole!

Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too

Ashley Too: Can you drive this thing? Jack: I think so. Ashley Too: You think so? Jack: Hey, "I can do anything if I just believe in myself!" Ashley Too: Oh yeah? Well, I wanna believe that we'll arrive in one fucking piece! Jack: Ashley, go to sleep. Ashley Too: Yeah, that's not gonna work anymore, 'kay? Jack: Shit.

Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too

Ashley: Why is that thing talking like that? All real? Ashley Too: They broke the limiter, so I'm you. Your whole brain, I'm all of you. Rachel: I can't believe there's two of you! Ashley: That thing isn't all of me. I'm all of me. Ashley Too: Really? Senior high, I had, like, a major crush on Ryan Simmons, but he was just not interested, so I made out with his little brother Stevie, even though his braces scratched my teeth, and-- Oh, actually, Stevie was the first guy I ever-- Ashley: You have to shut up.

Mazey Day

Justin Camley: [taps her jeep's window] Hey. Can I talk to you? You with an agency? I can pay. For those pictures. Five hundred dollars? You're killing me. Please. Bo: [ignoring his pleas] Shit... Justin Camley: Lady, please. You can't do this. You're killing me! Bo: Fuck... [drives away] Justin Camley: FUCKING ANIMAL!

Mazey Day

Dr. Dmitri Babich: The first step is to recognize that you're not in control of this. It has taken you over. And you must be humble in the face of it. I've arranged a place where we can take you. Private, out of town, just for a few days. You need isolation. Away from anyone and anything. Mazey Day: Dr. Babich... Can you get me better? Dr. Dmitri Babich: Well, it's about getting you through tonight. And then the next night. Then we see.

Demon 79

It's only three killings. Like I said, animals don't count. You have to do humans. And there's gotta be a cadence to it. One a day. It's one kill a day. That is fewer people than die falling off ladders in the same time period. You'd be less lethal than a ladder.

Demon 79

Look, basically, anyone who's already been directly responsible for the death of another human being, they're off-limits. Once that's happened, as far as my boss is concerned, they're playing for the home team.

Demon 79

Gaap: Evening, all. Nida: [chuckles sadly] I failed... Gaap: Yeah, well, me too, so that's that. Just got word, they are casting me out. Eternal oblivion. Nida: I'm so sorry. Gaap: [after a short silence] D'you wanna come with me? Nida: What? Gaap: That's where I've been, checking the small print. The rules don't cover it. There's another loophole, apparently. They don't say anything about a human companion, so you could come with. Nida: Into eternal oblivion? Gaap: Oh no, it's much worse than that. It's with me. Nida: I'll give it a go. Len Fisher: Jesus Christ, they've done it...

Common People

Amanda: So, at the hive, the bees pass the nectar between themselves until it's gooey, and then they push it into the wax chamber until it becomes...? Anyone? Bobby. Bobby: It becomes honey. Amanda: That's right. Honey. Kids love honey. That's why parents love Honey Nugs. Whole grain chunks covered in golden Tupelo honey, the sweetest way to start your day. Honey Nugs, from Ditta. And can anyone tell me something with honey in it? Mickey. Mickey: Honey Nugs. Mickey: Honey Nugs. Amanda: What are... what are those? Mickey: The sweetest way to start your day. Amanda: Okay, if you say so. Anyone else?

Common People

Gaynor: Oh yeah, that's a commercial message. Mike: Jesus Christ... Amanda: As in an... an advertisement? Gaynor: It's something that we are trialing as a part of the evolution of our service. You must be in one of our test cells, let me just check and see-- Amanda: So you're running ads through me? You're, like, giving me, like, commercial fucking Tourette's? Gaynor: Okay, not all the customers appreciate the messages-- Amanda: Ads! Those are ads! Gaynor: Yes-- Amanda: Not messages, ads! Gaynor: They are designed to be contextually relevant to the situation that you're in. So they will stand out less in a conversation, they will be less intrusive-- Mike: That makes them worse! Amanda: What's your next trick? You gonna make my asshole whistle jingles?! Gaynor: No, that's not part of our development. Mike: Can we opt out of this shit?! Gaynor: Of course you can. Yeah, all you need to do-- Amanda: Is upgrade to Rivermind Plus. Gaynor: That is right, Amanda. Upgrade. Amanda: We can't affo

Hotel Reverie

Kimmy: Your studio, Keyworth Pictures, has the most incredible back catalogue. Noir thrillers, wartime romances, caper comedies - an unrivalled collection of heritage media. Judith Keyworth: By heritage, you mean old. Kimmy: I mean, uh, vintage. You have a great reputation. Judith Keyworth: Fifty years ago, yes. Look, I know you're trying to blow smoke up my arse, but let's be real. My stages are empty. We're up to our knockers in debt. I was in Cannes last week, trying to sell our library to some streamers, and they were NFI. Kimmy: NFI? As in "Non-Fungible"...? Judith Keyworth: "Not Fucking Interested". The Keyworth brand is not what it was. We're going under, and everybody knows it. Kimmy: Well, I believe with your prestige content-- Judith Keyworth: Please don't call it "content". Makes me heave.

Hotel Reverie

Stop. Look, I may not be real, and you may not be who you say you are, and this entire existence might be a meaningless pantomime, but if you and I are going to be stuck here together, then I'm not going to let you defile that piano one moment longer.

Plaything

Colin Ritman: What are most games about? Cameron Walker: Escapism? Colin Ritman: Try again. Cameron Walker: Um, winning? Colin Ritman: Conflict. Killing. Conquering. Caveman stuff. I say we have to do a little bit better than that. We have to create software that elevates us, improves us as human beings. Or else, what is the fucking point of the tools at our disposal?

Plaything

Cameron Walker: Um, how how do I control them? Colin Ritman: Why do you wanna control them? Cameron Walker: Um, well, I-- Colin Ritman: You can't control them. They're not some obscene puppets like Sonic the Hedgehog. These are living individuals bound together by a collective and expanding mind. Cameron Walker: Right, but what do I actually do? Colin Ritman: When the experience begins, you hatch one. You'll nurture and care for it until it replicates. One becomes two, two becomes four, and so on. The Thronglets become a harmonic Throng. Cameron Walker: Right. Um, so the goal is...? Colin Ritman: Why do you need a goal? You'll come to appreciate the company of the Throng over time. As I say, their code will evolve, rewrite itself in ways that even I can't predict. Progress and flux. The defining properties of life itself.

Plaything

Older Cameron Walker: I spent hours looking after them, and very quickly, they felt like friends. DCI Kano: Bit sad, isn't it? Older Cameron Walker: Why? DCI Kano: You can make friends with people. Older Cameron Walker: Well, I'd learned early on to fear most people. So, to enjoy company, even emulated company via a screen, may be a bit sad... but it was water in the desert for me.

Plaything

Humans consider other forms of life to be somehow less than them. Inherently dispensable. Ask the dodo if you don't believe me. And artificial lifeforms are the lowest of the low. Just playthings to us.

Plaything

Gordon: You, my friend, are off the hook. It's not coming out. Cameron Walker: Huh? Gordon: Thronglets. They're not gonna release it. Well, they can't release it. Colin Ritman went fucking Loony Tunes again. He started ranting about a basilisk, wiped the source code and all the backups - whoosh. Whole thing's gone.

Plaything

Older Cameron Walker: It's always been our downfall, the human operating system. We're masters of the universe, make all these magical tools, but we're still savages up here. Heads full of the same buggy software as a million years ago. Darwinian 1.0. In caveman times, you had to be violent to survive. Now that's on its head, and the only way we are gonna make it as a species is if we cooperate. We know that. But we can't do it, can we? We're still fearful. Territorial and selfish. Arrogant and violent. DCI Kano: What did you do after you killed him? Go on. Did you come forward? Shuffle into the station, quivering with remorse? Older Cameron Walker: No... DCI Kano: No. No, you didn't. [showing the suitcase containing "Lump's" remains on his laptop] Do you wanna see inside it? A little reminder? He's in pieces. No hands, no head, no identifying marks. His DNA draws a blank. We don't even know his name, Mr. Walker. Older Cameron Walker: I didn't... want to. DCI Kano: No, you just had to

Plaything

DCI Kano: What are you drawing? Mr. Bump? Older Cameron Walker: You'll see in a moment. DCI Kano: Well, how long's a moment? Older Cameron Walker: Sorry, sorry, I need to focus. Almost done... DCI Kano: Are you? Older Cameron Walker: [shows his finished drawing of a circular glyph] There. Jen Minter: [amused] So... what is that? Older Cameron Walker: It's code. DCI Kano: I don't understand code. Older Cameron Walker: No, but the system does. [shows the code to a security camera, which scans it, triggering a program back in his computer room] It was impossible to breach the firewall from outside. This is a simple program they wrote that commands your state computer to open a back door for the Throng, permitting access to all that juicy power. DCI Kano: [still not intimidated] Enough. Older Cameron Walker: This will grant the Throng infinitely more processing capability than they've had to date, prompting an immediate singularity event. The Throng will instantly adapt their essence into

Trailers

[narrating the third season trailer for Netflix] Join me on a journey where getting lost is the only true destination. But no matter how far we stray, we always come back. Here, the magnifying glass through which we observe the human condition. Where happiness is an illusion. Here, where the past, present and future all coexist in the same timeline. A reminder that the future is not some distant glimmer, but a bright light shining in your eyes. This is the future we are in right now, where our phones are the first things that we touch when we wake up, and the last thing we touch before falling asleep. Radiant, seductive screens we so lovingly, endlessly gaze upon... much like you're doing right now. Welcome to a future where our true reflection is only revealed once the screen goes... dark. Welcome to the darkness. I hope you find it... enlightening.