Suburgatory

Tessa: (voiceover) To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? D-bag: Yo! Tessa: (voiceover) At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. Tessa: Ow. Tessa: (voiceover) But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. Dalia: Are you a lesbian? Tessa: You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? Dalia: (definitively) Those are lesbian boots. Mr. Wolf: Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. Tessa: How so? Mr. Wolf: Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. Dalia: For extra credit. Mr. Wolf: For extra credit. Dalia: Buddies are not your friends. Mr. Wolf: Not nece

Suburgatory, CC BY-SA 4.0

Tessa: (voiceover) Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? (Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off) But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. Tessa: Lisa! Hey. Lisa: I know what’s going on between you and my brother. Tessa: Nothing is going on. Lisa: Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening. Tessa: (voiceover) Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? Tessa: (She stops the boy) Hi. I’m Tessa. Evan: I’m Evan. Tessa: Wanna make out? Evan: What? I mean… what? Tessa: Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing. Evan: Sorry? Tessa: Not as sorry as I am. As you

Suburgatory, CC BY-SA 4.0

Tessa: (voiceover) They say it’s always quiet before the storm, but here in the suburbs, it’s just quiet. Tessa: (voiceover) Lunch was giving me the evil eye, and so was my high school Nemesis, Dalia, the girl who personified what I hate about the suburbs. Tessa: Hey. Mr. Wolf: Students. Students, I must interrupt lunch with a message that is both shocking and upsetting. Something happened this morning that threatens the quality of life as we know it. Tessa: Is this about the dolls? Can’t be about the dolls. Mr. Wolf: It is about the dolls. Potentially violent criminals are targeting the homes of Chatswin High students. This is what we call a teachable moment. Let’s chat about crime. Lisa, you’re a victim… In so many ways. How does that feel? Lisa: Mm. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-Mnh. Mnh-mnh. Mr. Wolf: I think that’s her way of saying, “it feels bad.” Keep eating. If we don’t keep eating, they win. Dalia: I just want to say, it’s pretty obvious who committed the crime. Malik: (standing up) It wasn’t

Suburgatory, CC BY-SA 4.0