Bad Santa

Bob Chipeska: Harrison, will you let me explain, please? Financially-- Fired Santa: Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and no what. Now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf. Santa's main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar? Bob Chipeska: Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was-- I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them-- Fired Santa: Oh, just forget it! [Walks away as Willie and Marcus enters the store, then yells to them] Hacks! Bob Chipeska: [to Marcus and Willie] Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resumè, by the way. Marcus: Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job. Bob Chipeska: I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are pe

Bad Santa, CC BY-SA 4.0

Gin: [smoking a cigarette in his office] "Fuck stick"? Bob Chipeska: Yeah, I know it's odd, but as our security manager, I want you to be well aware of this. His little friend promised he won't say it in front of the children, which is fine. There is an adult's world and a child's world, and that's OK. I'm no censor.

Bad Santa, CC BY-SA 4.0

Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all. Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill. Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate... Willie: Fornicate? Bob Chipeska: Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room? Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody. Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we... Marcus: If we what? Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position. Willie: Before you do something stupid, you might want to think about this shit. Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about? Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking abou

Bad Santa, CC BY-SA 4.0

Marcus: Willie, this has been a long time coming. Every year, you're worse. Every year, you're less reliable. More booze, more bullshit, more butt-fucking. Willie: Sure, the three B's.

Bad Santa, CC BY-SA 4.0

Gin: We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick. Marcus: No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh... Gin: This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix! Willie: Pricks fix? Marcus: Ah, he's a fucking moron. Willie: Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand? Marcus: Fuck you. Willie: Negotiating? Marcus: You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey. Willie: Yeah and I can get another midget too. Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?

Bad Santa, CC BY-SA 4.0

Sue: You're pretty regular for a Santa. Willie: It's not that much of a big fucking deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm just an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus. Sue: Prove it. Sue: Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa! Willie: Can't I at least take this hat off? Sue: NO! I love the hat. Willie: Okay.

Bad Santa, CC BY-SA 4.0