Quotes

This is a special book.

Mother: [enters] Hi, honey. Grandson: Hi, Mom. Mother: You feeling any better? Grandson: A little bit. Mother: Guess what? Grandson: What? Mother: Your grandfather's here. Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick? Mother: You're sick, that's why he's here. Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that. Mother: Maybe he won't. Grandpa: [enters] Hey! How's the sickie, heh? Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone. [leaves] Grandpa: I brought you a special present. [gives the present to him] Grandson: What is it? Grandpa: Open it up. Grandson: [does so] A book? Grandpa: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you. Grandson: Has it got any sports in it? Grandpa: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles... Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad.

That Vizzini, he can fuss.

Vizzini: Go!!! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed. Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone?! Vizzini: [angrily] I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition! Fezzik: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl. Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word think escape your lips?! You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass! Inigo: [interrupting] I agree with Fezzik. Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this: [yelling] when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! [Turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, i

You keep using that word.

Fezzik: He's got very good arms. Vizzini: He didn't fall?! Inconceivable! Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. My God, he's climbing. Vizzini: Whoever he is, he has seen us with the princess and must therefore die! [to Fezzik] You, carry her. [to Montoya] We'll head straight for the Guilder Frontier. Catch up when he's dead! If he falls, fine! If not, the sword! Inigo: I'm going to duel him left-handed. Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in! Inigo: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly. Vizzini: Oh, have it your way. Fezzik: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted. Vizzini: I'm waiting!

Throw me the rope

Inigo: I donna suppose you could speed things up? Man in Black: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do. Inigo: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you. Man in Black: That does put a damper on our relationship. Inigo: But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top. Man in Black: That's VERY comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait. Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard. Man in Black: No good. I've known too many Spaniards. Inigo: Isn't there any way you trust me? Man in Black: Nothing comes to mind. Inigo: I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive. Man in Black: [after hesitating] Throw me the rope.

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. (#1)

Inigo: I don't mean to pry, but you don't by any chance have six fingers on your right hand? Man in Black: Do you begin all your conversations this way? Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. [the Man in Black removes his glove, revealing five fingers on his right hand] He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before it was finished. [removes sword and hands it to the Man in Black] Man in Black: [examines the sword before handing it back to Inigo] I've never seen its equal. Inigo: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at 1/10th his promised price. My father refused. [sheaths sword] Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man leave me alive...but he gave me these. [points to scars on cheeks] Man in Black: How old were you? Inigo: I

You seem a decent fellow.

Inigo: You are ready, then? Man in Black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair. Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. Inigo: Begin.

Friendly conversation during a duel

Inigo: You're using Bonetti's Defense against me, huh? Man in Black: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain. Inigo: Naturally. You must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro! Man in Black: Naturally. But, I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don't you? Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa... [does a front flip over The Man in Black and lands behind him] Which I have.

I am not left handed!

Inigo: You are wonderful! Man in Black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so. Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am. Man in Black: Then why are you smiling? Inigo: Because I know something you don't know. Man in Black: And what is that? Inigo: I am not left-handed. [switches the sword to his other hand] Man in Black: You're amazing! Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years. Man in Black: There is something I ought to tell you. Inigo: Tell me. Man in Black: I'm not left-handed either. [switches the sword to his other hand, to Inigo's surprise] Inigo: Who are you? Man in Black: No one of consequence. Inigo: I must know. Man in Black: Get used to disappointment.

Civilized killing, terribly comfortable masks

Fezzik: [after throwing a rock at the Man in Black's head] I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss. Man in Black: I believe you. [beat] So what happens now? Fezzik: We face each other as God intended; sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. Man in Black: You mean...you'll put down your rock, I'll put down my sword, and we'll...try and kill each other like civilized people? Fezzik: [holds up another rock] I could kill you now. Man in Black: [hesitates, but slowly places his sword on the ground] Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. [tosses a rock over his shoulder] I don't even exercise. Man in Black: [charges once; no effect. Charges again and grunts/strains trying to budge Fezzik] Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what? Fezzik: I just want you to feel that you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [swings and misses] You're quick! Man

Battle of wits

Vizzini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward. Man in Black: Let me explain. Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen. Man in Black: Then perhaps an arrangement can be reached? Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her! Man in Black: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse. Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brain. Man in Black: [intrigued] You're that smart? Vizzini: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Man in Black: Yes. Vizzini: Morons! Man in Black: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits. Vizzini: For the princess? [the Man in Black nods] To the death? [he nods again] I accept. [re-sheathes his dagger] Man in Black: Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small vial] Inhale thi

Life is pain.

Man in Black: Rest, Highness. Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it! Man in Black: [bowing] With pride. What can I do for you? Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces. Man in Black: Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why loose your venom on me? Buttercup: You killed my love. Man in Black: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby? Buttercup: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners. Man in Black: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time. Buttercup: You mock my pain! Man in Black: Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Death cannot stop true love.

Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me? Buttercup: Well...you were dead. Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while. Buttercup: I will never doubt again. Westley: There will never be a need. Grandson: Oh, no, no, please. Grandpa: What is it? What's the matter? Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part? Grandpa: Someday you may not mind so much. Grandson: Skip on over to the Fire Swamp. That sounded good. Grandpa: Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So, now, where were we here? Oh, okay. Wesley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.

Dread Pirate Roberts, explained

Westley: This will all soon be but a happy memory, because Roberts' ship Revenge is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts. Buttercup: But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago? Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. [another flame spurts out near them] You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened. Buttercup: What? Go on. Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire.

We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

Humperdinck: Surrender! Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept. Humperdinck: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool. Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit. Humperdinck: I tell you once again, surrender! Westley: It will not happen. Humperdinck: For the last time, surrender! Westley: Death first! Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him? Humperdinck: What was that? Westley: What was that? Buttercup: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man? Humperdinck: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again. Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship. Humperdinck: I swear it will be done. [aside, to Rugen] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair. Count Rugen: I swear it will b

The Pit of Despair

Westley: [wakes up] Where am I? The Albino: [raspy voice] The Pit of Despair! Don't even think... [coughs, clears throat, continues in a normal voice] ...don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. Don't dream of being rescued, either; the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out. Westley: So I'm here till I die? The Albino: Until they kill you, yeah. Westley: Then why bother curing me? The Albino: Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken. Westley: So it's to be torture? [Albino nods enthusiastically] I can cope with torture. [Albino shakes head enthusiastically] Don't believe me? The Albino: You survived the Fire Swamp, so you must be very brave, but no one withstands The Machine.

Who says life is fair?

Humperdinck: [appears with Count Rugen] She has been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her. Count Rugen: Of course. Grandpa: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen. Humperdinck: My father's final words were... Grandson: Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair. Grandpa: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair. Grandson: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right! Grandpa: Do you want me to go on with this? Grandson: Yes. Grandpa: All right, then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

Rugen and Humperdinck coolly evil

Count Rugen: Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable. Humperdinck: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war. Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines the huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find... [finds it and the tree opens to reveal the passage into the pit] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Wesley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight. Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work...but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped. Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your hea

I would not say such things if I were you

Humperdinck: [sharpening his dagger] Rise and report. Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate. Humperdinck: Double it. My princess must be safe. Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry that. Humperdinck: Ahh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon. Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent. Humperdinck: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four. Yellin: Ahem. Your majesty. Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway. Humperdinck: You're a silly girl. Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear. Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you. Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of

You are the Brute Squad!

Max: Go away! What? What? Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years? Max: The king's stinking son fired me! And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject! While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad! Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad. Max: [sees Fezzik's size] You are the Brute Squad! Inigo: We need a miracle. It's really important. Max: Look, I'm retired! And, besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle! Inigo: He's already dead! Max: He is, eh? I'll take a look at him. Bring him in. Max: I've seen worse. [continues examining Wesley] Inigo: Sir? Sir? We're in a terrible rush. Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle, man, you get rotten miracles. You got money? Inigo: Sixty-five. Max: Sheesh! I've never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause. Inigo: Th

Mostly dead

Miracle Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him. Inigo: He's dead, he can't talk. Miracle Max: Woo hoo-hoo, look who knows so much, huh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only "mostly dead." There's a big difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead." Please, open his mouth. [Inigo opens Wesley's mouth, to put the bellows in] Now, "mostly dead" is slightly alive. [starts pumping air through the bellows] Now, "all dead"...well, with "all dead", there's usually only one thing you can do. Inigo: What's that? Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

True love, to blave, and an M.L.T. sandwich

Miracle Max: [shouts into Wesley's ear] Hey! Hello in there! Hey, what's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? [presses on Wesley's chest] Wesley: Truuuue looooove... Inigo: [surprised] True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that. Miracle Max: Yeah, sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice M.L.T.; a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. [smacks lips] They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff," huh? So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated- Valerie: [offscreen] Liar! Liar! [storms in] LIAR! Miracle Max: Get back, witch! Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore! Miracle Max: You never had it so good. Valerie: True love! He said true love, Max! Miracle Max: Don't say another w

Have fun storming the castle!

[waving] Bye-bye!

Fast miracle

Fezzik: How long do we have to wait, before we know if the miracle works? Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine. Westley: [opens his eyes] I'll beat you each apart! I'll take you both, together! Fezzik: [covers Westley's mouth] I guess not very long. Westley: Why won't my arms move? Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day. Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back. Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup? Inigo: Let me explain...No, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count Rugen. Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. [subconsciously wiggles his thumb] Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger; that's wonderful! Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities? Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by sixty men

Oh, you mean this gate key?

Westley: Give us the gate key. Yellin: I have no gate key. Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off. Yellin: [in desperation] Oh, you mean this gate key? [holds up gate key]

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. (#2)

Count Rugen: Good heavens, are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday. Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [advances on Rugen, but stumbles into the table with sudden pain. Rugen attacks, but is parried; rising to his feet again] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Rugen attacks again, Inigo parries more fiercely, gaining strength] HELLO! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die! Count Rugen: Stop saying that! [attacking twice] Inigo: [avoids and wounds Rugen in both shoulders, the same spots where he wounded him, and attacks] <big>HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA! YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE!!!</big> [corners Count Rugen, knocks his sword aside, and slashes his cheek, giving him a scar identical to his] Offer me money! Count Rugen: Yes! Inigo: Power, too, promise me that! [slashes his other cheek] Count

To the pain.

Buttercup: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me? Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately? Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to - it all happened so fast. Westley: Never happened. Buttercup: What? Westley: Never happened. Buttercup: But it did! I was there; this old man said 'man and wife.' Westley: Did you say 'I do?' Buttercup: Um, no... we sort of skipped that part. Westley: Then you're not married. You didn't say it; you didn't do it. [to the Prince who has just entered the room] Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness? Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. First things first...To the death! Westley: NO! To the pain. Humperdinck: [stops, taken aback] I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. Westley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. Westley: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first t

Post-revenge

Inigo: You know, I've been in the revenge business so long, I don't know what to do with myself. Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts.

As you wish. (Final)

Grandpa: They rode to freedom and as dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew that they were safe. A big wave of love swept over them, and as they reached for each other... [suddenly stops] Grandson: What? What? Grandpa: No, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that. Grandson: Oh, I don't mind so much. Grandpa: Okay. [continues reading] Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End. Now I think you ought to go to sleep. Grandson: Okay. [lies down on his bed] Grandpa: [standing] Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long. Grandson: Grandpa? [Grandpa stops, turns] Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow. Grandpa: [smiles] As you wish. [walks out of the room, and closes the door behind him]