Quotes

Others

[upon seeing Grandpa's workroom, filled with deer heads and other animals] Talk about the Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Others

[to Sam] I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster.

Dialogue

Michael: [about Grandpa] Looks like he's dead! Lucy: No, he's just a deep sleeper. Sam: If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix? Grandpa: Playin' dead. And from what I heard, doin' a damn good job of it, too.

Dialogue

Michael: Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world? Grandpa: There are some bad elements around here. Sam: Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you serious, Grandpa? Grandpa: Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem.

Dialogue

Grandpa: Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide sometimes the address label is curled up just a little. You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind up rippin' the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta here. Sam: Wait, you have a TV? Grandpa: No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.

Dialogue

Sam: Got a problem, guys? Edgar: Just scoping your civilian wardrobe. Sam: Pretty cool, huh? Alan: For a fashion victim. Edgar: Listen, buddy, if you're looking for the diet frozen yogurt bar, it went out of business last Summer. Sam: Actually I'm looking for a copy of Batman issue #14. Edgar: That's a very serious book, man. Alan: Only five in existence. Sam: Four, actually. I'm always looking out for the other three. [then he looks at the comic books] Look, you can't put the Superman #77s with the 200s; they haven't even discovered Red Kryptonite yet, and uh... you can't put the #98s with the 300s; Lori Lemaris hasn't even been introduced. Edgar: Where the hell are you from? Krypton? Sam: Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved... here. Edgar: Take this. [He gives Sam a comic book entitled "Vampires Everywhere"] Sam: I don't like horror comics. Edgar: You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix; it could save your life.

Dialogue

Alan: Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet? Sam: No, it's a pretty cool place... if you're a Martian. Edgar: Or a vampire. Sam: You guys sniffing old newsprint of something? Edgar: You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know a lot, buddy. Alan: Yeah, you think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks, huh? Sam: Actually, I thought it was a bakery. Edgar: This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters in a never-ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Sam: Right. Edgar: Hey man, read this. [He gives Sam a comic book entitled "Destroy All Vampires"] Sam: I told you, I don't like horror comics. Alan: Think of it more as a survival manual. There's our number on the back and pray you never need to call us. Sam: I'll pray I never need to call you. Sure.

Dialogue

Marko: Feeding time. Come and get it boys. David: Chinese, good choice. Paul: Over here, bud. [Marko tosses him a container of food.] David: Guests first. Michael: No. David: What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong? Come on! David: How are those maggots? Michael: Huh? David: Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste? Star: Leave him alone. David: Sorry about that. No hard feelings, huh? Michael: No. David: Why don't you try some noodles? Michael: They're worms. David: What do you mean worms? Michael: Don't-! David: [eats some noodles] They're only noodles, Michael. Star: That's enough. Paul: Ah, chill out, girl. We're just having fun. David: Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us. Star: Don't! You don't have to, Michael. It's blood. Michael: Yeah, sure. [takes a deep drink] David: Bravo! You were right, Marko. Everybody: Michael! Michael! Michael! Paul: You're one of us, bud. Let the good times roll!

Dialogue

David: Michael wants to know what's going on. Marko, what's going on? Marko: I don't know. What's going on, Paul? Paul: Wait a minute. Who wants to know? Dwayne: Michael wants to know. David: I think we should let Michael know what's going on.

Dialogue

Grandpa: Anything in here that might pass for after-shave? Sam: How about some Windex, Grandpa? Grandpa: Yeah, let me try some of that. [slaps some on] Not bad! Michael: You have a big date tonight, Grandpa? Grandpa: I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson. Michael: What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?

Dialogue

Edgar: You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot? Sam: Yeah, all day. Alan: Does the sunlight freak him out? Sam: Uh, he wears sunglasses in the house. Edgar: Bad breath, long fingernails? Sam: Yeah, his fingernails are a little bit longer, um, he always had bad breath though. Alan: He's a vampire all right. Edgar: All right, here's what you do, get your self a good sharp stake and drive it right through his heart. Sam: I can't do that, he's my brother. Alan: Okay, we'll come over and do it for you. Sam: No! Edgar: You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral.

Dialogue

Michael: Open up! Sam: Stay back! Stay back! Michael: Sammy, help me! Open up! Help me! Sammy, open the window! Sam: You're a vampire! I knew it! Michael: I'm not! Sam: So what are you, the flying nun?! Michael: I'm your brother, Sammy! HELP ME!!!

Dialogue

Edgar: We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in town for a long time. Alan: Santa Carla's become a haven for the undead. Edgar: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at City Hall. Alan: Kill your brother, you'll feel better. Sam: Look, guys, my brother's not a bloodsucker. Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire, all half-vampires will return to normal. Guys, if my brother's a vampire, believe me, he's only half. Edgar: Does he know who the head vampire is? Sam: No, I don't think so. Edgar: Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't, then we will. Sam: It all started when my mom went to work at Max's video store. Max never comes in till after it's dark. The dog who chased my mom this morning was his. And listen to this: "Vampires require a daytime protector, a guardian, to watch over them as they sleep. Fierce dogs, the Hounds of Hell, are often employed for this purpose." Edgar: No kidding. Sam: Yea

Dialogue

Michael: I don't want you going down there, Sam. Sam: Well, I'm going, whether you want me to or not. Michael: Look, this isn't a comic book, Sam; these guys are brutal killers. Sam: Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? So are the Frog Brothers! Look, who would you rather go down there with you, them or me? It's up to you. Michael: If something happens down there, I'm not gonna have the strength to protect you. Sam: Well, this time, I'll protect you, buddy. Even though you're a vampire, you're still my brother. Edgar: Listen! Just so you know, if you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, then I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it, and that is something you do not want! Sam: Chill out, Edgar. Edgar: Yeah, come on! Michael: Where did you say you met these guys?

Dialogue

Edgar: We're on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together, like bullets and guns. Come on! Sam: What's that smell? Edgar: Vampires, my friend. Vampires.

Dialogue

Paul: You're mine! You killed Marko!! Edgar: Yeah, and you're next! Paul: No, you're next!

Dialogue

Dwayne: You missed, sucker. Sam: Only once, pal. Sam: Death by stereo!

Dialogue

Michael: You afraid to face me, David? HUH?! David: I tried to make you immortal. Michael: You tried to make me a killer! [David strikes Michael who turns around with his vampire face.] David: You are a killer! My turn. Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you. Join us. Michael: Never! I would rather die! David: It's too late for that! My blood is in your veins! Michael: Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? So is mine!!

Dialogue

Lucy: And I don't want to hear another word from you until I talk to Michael! Max: I'm sorry, Lucy. This is all my fault. David and my boys misbehaved. Like I told you, the boys need a mother. Lucy: Max, what are you talking about? Sam: I knew it! You're the head vampire!! Lucy: Sam, now don't you start this again! Star: You're the secret that David was protecting. Max: Hmm. Lucy: Who the hell is this?! Alan: But you passed the test! You won!! Max: Let this be a lesson to you, silly boy: Never ever invite a vampire into your house. And why? Because it renders you powerless. Sam: [turns to Edgar and whispers] Did you know that? Edgar: Of course. Everyone knows that! Why else would we be here? Lucy: Has everyone gone crazy here or something? What the hell is the matter with all of you?! Max: It was you I was after all along, Lucy. Lucy: What?! Max: I knew that if I could get Sam and Michael into the family, there was no way you could say "No". Lucy: Where's Michael?! Max: It was all goin

Dialogue

Lucy: Dad! Dad, are you all right? Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach. All the damn vampires.