Liar Liar

Max: My mom's a teacher. Teacher: And your dad? Max: My dad? He's... a liar. Teacher: A liar? Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar. Max: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge. Teacher: Oh! Oh! I see! You mean he's a lawyer.

Liar Liar, CC BY-SA 4.0

Fletcher: [On the phone] Audrey! Let me explain, something has happened to me! Audrey: Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher: Max and I are moving to Boston. Fletcher: What? Audrey: Jerry has asked me to marry him, so Max and I are going with him this weekend to look at some houses. Fletcher: I thought it was "semi-serious." Audrey: Yeah, well it just took a violent shove into "serious." Fletcher: You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max! Audrey: Well, then you'll pretty much have the same relationship with him that you have now, won't you? Fletcher: Where are you? Audrey: I’m going home. Fletcher: When you get there, just stay there. I’m coming over. We have to talk! Audrey: Fletcher… Fletcher: I’ll be right there!

Liar Liar, CC BY-SA 4.0

Cop: You know why I pulled you over? Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top? Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding! Cop: Is that all? Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [opens his car's glove compartment; a huge pile of tickets spills out] Be gentle.

Liar Liar, CC BY-SA 4.0

Fletcher: You scratched my car! Impound Guy: Where? Fletcher: [showing him] Right there! Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there. Fletcher: You... you liar! You know what I'm going to do about this? Impound Guy: What? Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe! Impound Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya? [throws Fletcher his keys]

Liar Liar, CC BY-SA 4.0

Fletcher: You don't believe me, do you? Greta: Of course not. Fletcher: How ironic! Okay. Ask me something you think I would normally lie about. Greta: All right. Remember a couple of months ago when I wanted a raise? Fletcher: [nervously] Forget it. I don't wanna do this. Greta: And the company wouldn't give me one... Fletcher: [freaking out] Greta please!... Greta: And I asked if you would give it to me out of your own pocket! And you said "the company would not allow it, because it would create jealousy among the other secretaries!" Now, was that true, or did you just not wanna pony up the dough?

Liar Liar, CC BY-SA 4.0

Miranda: Pardon me for interrupting your meeting. Mr. Allen, you remember Fletcher Reede. Mr. Allen: Oh, yes! Yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher. By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon. I've been hearing some good things about you. Miranda: Well, Fletcher has just been telling me what how much he thinks of you. [to Fletcher] Well, why don't you tell Mr. Allen? Well, what do you think of him? Fletcher: [defeated] He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard. A belligerent, old fart. A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. [sighs] Figuratively speaking! Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard! You're a real card, Reede! I love a good roast! Do Simmons! Fletcher: [points at Simmons] Simmons is old! He should've been outta the game years ago, but he can't stay home, 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties! She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! [to another member of the board] And you, Tom! You're th

Liar Liar, CC BY-SA 4.0