Quotes

Other Characters

Ho, what did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it.

Other Characters

Jesus. Could you use a smaller gun? You got blood on me again.

Other Characters

Freeze mother bitches!

Other Characters

Watch your fucking mouth.

Other Characters

:[handcuffed to a steering wheel] Hi Julie, what have you been up to the last couple of days?" Oh nothing, just hangin' out, handcuffed to steering wheels.

Dialogue

Mike Lowrey: Hey-hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car? Marcus Burnett: Please, man. I'm not getting my sex at home. Don't-don't deny me this. Mike Lowrey: What are you talking about? You sleep with a beautiful woman every night. Marcus Burnett: I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none. Mike Lowrey: Why don't you watch it with all that shit, man?

Dialogue

Mike Lowrey: [To the White Carjacker holding a gun to his head] Let me tell you how bad a day you're having: right now you're jacking a couple of cops. White Carjacker: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. And I suck! That's why I need your car. Marcus Burnett: [To the Black Carjacker] Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid-ass friends, that drive stupid-ass cars, that attract a lot of motherfuckin' attention! Mike Lowrey: You know what? I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy-ass head. That's what I need to do. Marcus Burnett: Well, you know what? You're arguin' over a motherfuckin' french fry. Mike Lowrey: It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property! White Carjacker: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Black Carjacker: Shut the fuck up! Mike Lowrey: That shit is stupid! White Carjacker: Shut up, shut up! Marcus Burnett: [To the Black Carjacker] Hold-- Hold the fuck on! Black Carjacker: Forget this! Marcus B

Dialogue

Dirty cop: [In van] What do you think, guys? Looks like the real thing. Thug 1: [Riding shotgun] You remember your assignment? Dirty cop: Yeah, I'm the decoy. Thug 1: Yes, you are. [Turns and shoots dirty cop who falls out back] Thug 2: What the fuck you doing?! Thug 1: [On phone] Hello. Police? I just saw a policeman shot on South Miami and First Street. Help, please. Dispatch: All units, officer down. Officer down. Respond code three. All units in the vicinity, respond and identify. This is Air Unit Two. We've got a full perimeter. Officer down. We need additional ground units. Female police helicopter: Air Three, roger. Suspect or suspects unknown.

Dialogue

Captain Howard: Ho! What did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it. I told you. I told you to secure a witness. Not to shoot up a neighborhood! Not to do another dead body! Just get the dope back, and do it quietly. Marcus Burnett: Look, Captain, this whole situation is getting out of control. Captain Howard: You're goddamn right it's getting out of control! Marcus Burnett: Look, man, I damn near had to pass a pop quiz before she believed I was him. Captain Howard: [Shoots the ball] Going, it's going... [Missed shot] Shit. A little off. Mike Lowrey: I haven't killed anybody yet today, Captain. Captain Howard: Hey, do you want me to yell at you? 'Cause I can do that. Let me tell you something. This witness—is my only good news I got, okay? The only good news. You guys are bad news. So what does that mean? It means if you have to be Mike Lowrey, Santa Claus, FD Hutton—I don't give a shit, that's what you're gonna be! Mike Lowrey:

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Mike Lowrey: What the hell are you doin'? Marcus Burnett: Keepin' my shit quick. Mike Lowrey: Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.

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Mike Lowrey: Hello? Marcus Burnett: We're your new neighbors. Mike Lowrey: Don't be alarmed, we're Negros. Marcus Burnett: Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them. [In high pitched voice] We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar?

Dialogue

Store Clerk: Hey, freeze bitch! Mike Lowrey: You freeze, bitch! Store Clerk: Oh, shit! I'm fucked. Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious. Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.

Dialogue

Julie Mott: [Half-tired] No...no...no... Marcus Burnett: [Notices Julie staring at his sandwich] Want some? Julie Mott: No, thanks. I don't eat flesh. Marcus Burnett: Say what? Julie Mott: That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was, like, a living, breathing creature. You know, it probably had a name. Marcus Burnett: It's just bologna. My bologna has a first name? Julie Mott: Actually, your bologna, has about thirty names because they take odd parts from all different ones, like the leftovers: The hooves and stomach lining...

Dialogue

Julie Mott: ...ears, stuff like that. They put it into this machine and grind it all up. Then out comes this sheet. That's what you're eating now. Marcus Burnett: [Loss of appetite] You know what? I won't eat bologna no more. How about a pickle? Can I eat the pickle? Julie Mott: It has a lot of salt in it, but it's fine. It is a vegetable. Marcus Burnett: A lot of salt in the pickle? Let me rinse it off.

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: There we go. [Takes a bite out of the rinsed pickle] How's that? Julie Mott: [To the mugshots] Just keep going. Marcus Burnett: I don't even taste the salt now.

Dialogue

Mike Lowrey: You know what man? I'm so sick of this bull-shit. What, I'm supposed to apologize for my family leaving me money? All I ever wanted to be was a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last one to leave the crime scene. So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck everybody that's got a problem with Mike Lowrey. Marcus Burnett: I love you, man. Mike Lowrey: Fuck you, Marcus. Marcus Burnett: I do. You're cool. You're my boy. Mike Lowrey: Shut up, shut up, Marcus. Slow-ass driver. Drivin' like a bitch. Slow-ass. Marcus Burnett: Why I gotta be all that? I'll take you and me off this fuckin' cliff if you keep fuckin' with me. Then it'll be, what, two bitches in the sea? Huh, is that it? Is that what you want? Mike Lowrey: Shut up, Marcus. Marcus Burnett: My wife knows I ain't no bitch. I'm a bad boy. Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett: [singing] Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha' gonna do? Whatcha' gonna do when th

Dialogue

Store Clerk: [Pointing gun at Mike] I blow you! [Points gun at Marcus] And I blow you! Marcus Burnett: Blow me? What the fuck? Naw-naw. Hump me, all right?

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: Oh, man, that was cold. Detective Sanchez: Yeah, so was your mama's bed.

Dialogue

Fouchet: I like it when a woman takes pride in her appearance. Don't you? Casper: Yeah, I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: [While pursuing Fouchet, who is up ahead in a roadster] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law. Mike Lowrey: Yo man, what the fuck are you doing? Marcus Burnett: Getting it out the way.

Dialogue

Theresa Burnett: And you don't even have your wedding ring on. [Slams bedroom door shut] Marcus Burnett: Damn. Um. Naw Naw I went undercover. And it uh required the taking off of the ring that's all for a second. But I got the ring, look I just put my hand in my pocket 'cos that's where it was and it's right back on baby. [Sighs] Damn. Can I get a pillow?

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: [Trying to imitate Mike] Hello, this is Mike Low-rey. Captain Howard: He doesn't talk that way. Try to talk like him, like him! Try to talk sexy. Sexy, you don't talk sexy enough! Marcus Burnett: Cap, Cap! I've been there.

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: You better do something quick, 'cause we're running out of road. Mike Lowrey: Who picked this dumb-ass road?! All the goddamn road in Miami, you run out of it! Marcus Burnett: You better come up with an idea fast! Mike Lowrey: Why I gotta come up with all the ideas?!

Dialogue

Julie Mott: Can I help you? Theresa Burnett: Yes, I'm here to kill my husband, Marcus Burnett. Julie Mott: Uh-huh, and that'd be the tall one or the short one? Theresa Burnett: The short one. Julie Mott: I thought so.

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: What am I smellin'? Mike Lowrey: Just drive! Marcus Burnett: What am I smellin'?! Julie Mott: [Sees barrels hanging in the back of the van. Reads the label] Ether. Extremely flammable ether. Oh, shit! Mike Lowrey: Goddamn. Marcus Burnett: Oh, you-you-you-you da man. Oh you're the fuckin' man tonight! How'd you go and pick an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb!

Dialogue

Theresa Burnett: Oh-oh. Don't kiss me, Mike. I don't know where your lips were last night. Move. Quincy Burnett: Uncle Mike, did you have a date last night? Mike Lowrey: Whoo-oo, did I! Let me tell you, this girl was— Theresa Burnett: Hey-hey. Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories. Mike Lowrey: Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories. Marcus Burnett: Hey. Theresa Burnett: Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas. Marcus Burnett: Why are you doing this to me, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you.

Dialogue

Stake-out crook: Watching the place was my first gig. Detective Sanchez: Oh, so does that make you union?

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: [To Mike] I'm not understanding, I-I really don't. Store Clerk: [Pointing gun at Marcus] Shut up! Marcus Burnett: I mean, do you just attract violence?

Dialogue

Casper: Hello. Mike Lowrey: Yeah, can I speak to Romeo? Casper: No, there ain't no Romeo here, asshole. Casper: [To Ferguson] What the fuck are you laughing at?

Dialogue

Ferguson: [As Julie reaches into her bra for a hidden handcuff key] What you got an itch? I'd love to scratch it. Julie Mott: [Gives Ferguson the finger] Scratch this, okay? Ferguson: I'll scratch anything you want me to you blue-eyed bitch! Julie Mott: Did you go to college?

Dialogue

Mike Lowrey: [To store clerk, who is pointing a gun at Mike] I'm gonna reach for my badge, ok? Store Clerk: Badges? Do you want badges, mother bitch?! I give you badges! 99 cents each. [Throws some badges at Mike] I sell you some.

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: Jojo~! [Jojo sees Marcus and immediately takes off, pursued by Marcus] Aw, don't make this hard, Jo! Mike Lowrey: Nice running into you, Jojo. Marcus Burnett: Always making it hard on your self, Jojo. Julie Mott: [Talking to herself] Gee, Julie, what have you been up to the last couple days? Nothing. Just hanging out, handcuffed to steering wheels... Marcus Burnett: We're looking for someone who can step on a shit load of heroin. Do it real fast, real well. We're looking for a real pro. Jojo: I told you already, I'm in the rubber business now. Marcus Burnett: Jojo...we're not playing, man. Jojo: I'm telling you, I'm straight, man. I'm straight like a board, like an arrow. I'm so straight right now, I'm sick. Marcus Burnett: It's a lot of dope. Who could cut it real quick? Jojo: "Cut it"? You mean, cut it up? I don't know nothing about it. Mike Lowrey: [Muttering] I'm so sick of this bullshit.

Dialogue

Mike Lowrey: What's up, Jo? Jojo: You're pulling a gun on me? You guys are cops! I can't believe this! I should turn you in to Hard Copy! Put your ass on the TV set! Marcus Burnett: What are you doing? Mike Lowrey: I got this! Jojo... [Cocks his weapon] I got fifteen bullets in this gun. Marcus Burnett: Mike! Mike Lowrey: I swear, if you don't start talking to me, I'm gonna fill your lying ass full of hot shit. Now, what's up? Marcus Burnett: Mike, he's a former ganja-smoking fucker. He ain't worth it, for fuck's sake—! Mike Lowrey: [Draws out a second pistol, pointing to Marcus] Do you want some? I'll bust your ass too! Marcus Burnett: So sad. [To Jojo] You're on your own, Jojo. [Walks off] Mike Lowrey: [Sticks his second gun behind Jojo] What's up, Jo? Marcus Burnett: [Walks back in] I'm telling you like this. You splatter his ass, he's no good to us! [Walks off to a side alley] Fuck that. I'm not going down over this shit! I'm not going down, for you to be killing Jojo, the tire man

Dialogue

Marcus Burnett: What are our chances? Mike Lowrey: Remember Club Hell? Marcus Burnett: Yeah. Mike Lowrey: Worse.