Quotes

Pilot [1.01]

[internally, when he sees Beck for the first time] Well, hello there. Who are you?

Maybe [1.03]

I'm not a "maybe." I'm the one.

Living With The Enemy [1.05]

Sometimes I swear, I'm the only real feminist you know.

Living With The Enemy [1.05]

Joe: Did Beck tell you I started jogging? Peach: Fun! Runner's high is better than sex. And for some, may last longer. [referring to Joe and Beck's first sex encounter] Joe: [internally] Touché, bitch.

Bluebeard's Castle [1.10]

Joe: [internally] Well. Hello, there. Who are you? You've got that hoodie. You don't like to be stared at. But your legs are bare. You like a little attention. Okay, I'll bite. Candace: Hey, bunny. Joe: Candace. You're... Candace: Alive. Yeah. So uh... I think we have some unfinished business to talk about.

Have A Good Wellkend, Joe! [2.05]

Forty: You gotta meet my girl, Amy. Amy, come here. Candace: Hi there. Forty: [introducing them] Will Bettelheim, Amy Adam. Candace: Nice to meet you. Joe: [internally] It can't be. Am I hallucinating? [shakes hands with Candace] This is her hand, this is real. Candace is here. Candace: Will Bettelheim... What a great name. Almost sounds made up. Joe: [internally] Is she trying to spar with me? [out loud] That's funny, I was just thinking, "Amy Adam." How totally ungoogleable. Joe: [internally] This is a game to her. She's enjoying this. Love: [to Candace] I'm so happy to see you again. [hugs her] Joe: [internally] She's crazy, Love! Love: I'm also so hungry I could eat my own hand, so let's... Candace: Oh, no, don't worry. Just eat mine. [they laugh] Joe: [internally] Like the kids say, "Fuck my life."

Ex-istential Crisis [2.07]

Joe: I got a nanny cam in my apartment when my crazy ex... broke in. I was gonna ask if you wanted to have dinner tonight! Until I saw you'd already been by. And found some keys. Joe: Give me the phone. Don't make me take it. Delilah: What are you gonna do? I will scream. Joe: It's soundproof.

P.I. Joe [2.09]

Candace: God! What is it about Joe FUCKING Goldberg? Why is it that no one can see him for what he is? Forty: Careful. You're talking about my family.

So I Married An Axe Murdered [3.02]

Love: You act all pure and noble, like you have reasons for what you do when you do it. But when I do it, I'm crazy, right? I'm some manic nutjob. "But, oh, wait! Oh, wait! She's a mom now, I guess I can't slit her throat." He... is the only reason I'm alive. How do you think that makes me feel? I can't trust you. Joe: I can't trust you either! I was trying to... Yes, yes. Yes, I did things. But I've worked hard to be better and I am not that person anymore. But now, I will be burying bodies until I'm 70 years old! Because if I'm not 100% into you all of the time, you will keep killing people! Love: If I'm not enough for you, you'll kill me.

Missing White Woman Syndrome [3.03]

Masturbation saves the day for now.

What is Love [3.10]

[internally] Aconite, when injected directly, burns as it moves through the system to the heart. Think less slow paralysis, more total fսcking agony. I'm sorry it had to come to this.

What is Love [3.10]

Did you really think that I wouldn't start to wonder... what you were growing in the garden? Wolf's-bane. A paralytic.

What is Love [3.10]

No.

What is Love [3.10]

It slows the heart. So I Googled antidotes. Turns out, I needed biohacking. Adrenaline. And who doesn't have that around here, right? A little voice in my head told me to take it. Before you played your hand.

What is Love [3.10]

Joe...

What is Love [3.10]

You did this to yourself. And the hardest part was making the dose, because I couldn't lie to myself. It had to be enough. I had to finally stop you.

What is Love [3.10]

[dying] We're perfect for each other. But bad... for Henry. He'll know what you are.

What is Love [3.10]

Love: Friends and neighbors... I'd like to thank you for welcoming my family with open arms, but... you didn't. I moved to the suburbs because I bought into the dream. Community, prosperity, and most of all, safety. But I never felt safe here. Judged from day one, for my past, my body, how I was raising my child. If I wasn't perfect, I would lose it all. A game so rigged, it could only exist in a world that hates women, especially mothers. But what choice did I have? So I played. And I realized your fence, your doorbell cam, you tell yourself you're keeping your family safe, but it's a lie. You're too afraid to do what you need to do to really protect your own. I am not a coward. I do what must be done to protect my family. I killed the adulterer next door. I framed the anti-vaxxer who sickened my child, hunted down the reporter who threatened us. I trapped the couple who tried to sabotage us. Forced them to really see each other. I forced my husband to play along. But in the end, he w

Joe Takes a Holiday [4.01]

Rhys Montrose: What could possibly be that funny? [sits next to Joe] Joe: [internally] Rhys Montrose. What's he doing here? Joe: Good book. Joe: [internally] Oh, no. I sound drunk. Rhys: So you're the new one. Mal unfailingly adopts you lads, back since the dormitory at... Joe: [internally] Oxford, right. They were all there together. The book is about how he was born into poverty, raised by an unstable single mom, uncomfortably relatable, and he was a mess, then found out he's the son of a duke, cleaned up, went to Oxford, and became the author of honestly one of the best memoirs I've ever read. Rhys: Quite a thing, that. Tell no one your sordid life story for 30 years, then write it down, suddenly millions know your every shame. Joe: For what it's worth, I didn't find your book sordid. Rhys: Fellow man with a shit childhood, then? Rhys: I see. A true shit childhood. Pleasure to meet you, brother in arms. The thing about getting money when you had none, you never really feel you have

Good Man, Cruel World [4.07]

Joe: [internally] I knew you'd bite. [sets his phone to record audio] Rhys: All right, spill. What does Lockwood claim he knows? Joe: What do you think he knows? Rhys: Aah... Don't be coy. Joe: [internally] Watch me. Rhys: Is it about the book? Who hasn't taken liberties with their own story? It's called writing. Joe: That's what you're most afraid of people finding out? Rhys: [sniffs] Joe: What? Rhys: [sniffs louder] You smell that? Smells like a fucking rat. Joe: [internally] Shit. Rhys: You think I'm a FUCKING idiot? Hmm? Rhys: When are you gonna understand? I'm smarter than you. Rhys: Look familiar? Yes, Joe. I found your old lover. She's a feisty one. Joe: [voice shaking] How? Rhys: Repeat after me. I'm smarter than you. Joe: Is she dead? Rhys: How would that be smart? No one even knows she's gone. I texted her babysitter friend from her phone. "Oops, I tripped and fell on a heroin needle, please look after my daughter." Whatever her fuckin name is. Joe: Her name is Juliette and s

Good Man, Cruel World [4.07]

Joe: Stop gaslighting me! You know who I am. You know what you've had me do for YOU! I'd let her go. I'd stepped away! I WAS STARTING OVER! [starts choking Rhys] Where is she? TELL ME WHERE SHE IS! TELL ME OR I'LL KILL YOU! YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH! TELL ME!!! Joe: [internally] What did I do? It was an accident. I... I lost it. Marienne, I'm so sorry. I will find a way. I will find you. Rhys: Well, isn't this a pickle. [inspects the body of dead Rhys] Joe: Uhh... uhh.. okay. I'm hallucinating. I... Rhys: Killed me? Yes. But not before a shocking amount of military-grade ball torture. He wasn't lying, Joe. He didn't know you. But then, I wasn't lying either. We really do have Marienne in a cage.

Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been [4.08]

Rhys: You are full-fat, extra-sugar, deep-friend fucking insane, Joe Goldberg. Joe: Fuck you! Rhys: Whoa! I'm not the enemy here! I'm just the part that broke away to do the dirty work! You're brilliant. Really. Well, you poured all that darkness you hated into this vessel you admired because you knew that the endgame was facing yourself, didn't you? Well, there you go. All the worst bits in a little package you don't mind having a pint with. I hope it makes it easier. Joe: Nothing makes this easier.

Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been [4.08]

Rhys: Pity me, all the time I had to spend trying to get you to admit that I was doing exactly what you wanted! Joe: Okay, I might be having some kind of break, but you don't get to tell me who I am. I am not some cold-blooded psycho. Rhys: Oh, no, no, no! Of course not! It's obviously much more complex than that, but I had to compensate for your redemption fetish; it went into overdrive. See, you were trying to tell yourself that you were saving them, right? A reformed man who's protecting all these inbred meat-suits from some shadow killer. You. But deep down... The idea of any of them being worth saving was bullshit.

The Death of Jonathan Moore [4.10]

Joe: You think you can buy me? Tom: I think I can save you. That's what money can do!

The Death of Jonathan Moore [4.10]

Tom: I didn't make the world, Joe. Neither did you. You gonna kill me now? Why? Because I'm a survivor? Because I had what it takes to not get eaten alive? Kathryn gets to say "Daddy's bad" because I bubble-wrapped her entire world! Joe: Do you think that worked? Tom: Well, what are you doing for her right now, Joe? The same goddamn thing. Rhys: Don't you let him get in your head. Tom: You don't even see it, do you? You do this for her, you become the problem! You and I are the same, Joe. We do what has to be done, because that's what being a man is.

The Death of Jonathan Moore [4.10]

Rhys: You wage war with your own nature. That's just what you do. You have this notion that you're an especially bad person -- join the bloody club! What do you think everyone else sees in the mirror? Joe: I think I've killed a lot more people. Rhys: You are a stellar example of the human condition. Traumatized brain, constantly trying to shame us! That's what you need to fight -- the same. Joe: I should be ashamed. Rhys: No! That's why I'm fucking standing here, trying un-twist you before you kill us both! Rhys: Well, go on! Answer! She probably heard about Tom; she needs you! Joe: [internally] Goodbye, Kate. Rhys: I don't understand you. You and Kate have a future. Joe: No we don't. Rhys: Of course you do. Why not? Joe: BECAUSE I WILL... kill her. Rhys: Will you? Joe: Every time I try... I made it perfect. It's never enough. There's no amount of loving or supporting or killing the assholes holding them back. I want this time to be different, but now I know, it's not gonna be differen

Last Dance [5.05]

Joe: One more month, and we say goodbye to Reagan. Forever. Maddie: Why is she not haunting you? Joe: [internally] Because I'm glad she's dead.

The Dark Face of Love [5.06]

Kate: Do you know what I've come to realize? Joe: What? Kate: Henry had good dads. And taking him from them is one of the worst things I've ever helped you do. Those men loved him! Joe: I love him! He's mine! Kate: No! No, no, no! No, you don't! You think you do, but you never have! You don't even see him! To you, he is just an extension of yourself. Same thing my father did to us. Joe: I am nothing like your father. Kate: Do you know, if you actually cared, you would be begging me to take him from you. You already abandoned him once -- to chase a women that you thought you loved across the ocean, to run from all the people that you killed. And now you've fallen for a new woman, you've killed more people, are you actually trying to tell me that you won't find a reason to abandon him again?!

#JoeGoldberg [5.07]

Joe's old student: [in an online video about Joe] Besides his fake name, he was always canceling class early, to do what, kill people? Joe: I was DISSOCIATING!

Folie a Deux [5.08]

Kate: One day, your son will know that you're a fucking serial killer. Joe: Kate… Kate, my conscience is clean. If we're being honest, you have killed way more people. I have never killed any children.

Finale [5.10]

Henry: Do you remember when you used to tell me there were no monsters in my room? Joe: Yeah! Yeah, of course. Yeah, you were so scared... Henry: You were lying. Joe: What are you saying? Henry: It was you. You're the monster.

Finale [5.10]

Joe: He always was precocious. Y'know, he was... His mother said this would happen. Her dying words. "He'll know what you are." I love him so much. Maybe-- Maybe he deserves--! Better than me! WHY?! HOW?! HOW DID I BECOME THIS PERSON! I try-- I try to love! Every time, it falls apart! It's my son...! It's me. I'm unlovable. Is this what I deserve? Brontë: I don't know. I don't know what you deserve, Joe. Maybe it's not for me to decide. But this... This is deluded! You're not the fucking victim! I'm-- I'm, I'm calling the cops now. This is over. This has to be over. Joe: What makes you think this time will be any different? I killed your friend on camera and here I am! Brontë: Here you are, Joe! Running. Scared! You know how I know it'll be different? Because I've turned on you, Joe. And if I can wake up, so can the world. Joe: [internally] I have been delusional... Brontë: Give me the phone. Joe: [internally] Putting so much faith in love. In the universe. In... her. Fucking. Brontë.

Finale [5.10]

Brontë: It was always gonna end this way, wasn't it? Joe: NO! No, it didn't have to! But you're ungrateful! You're spiteful! I made you special, Brontë, and you're too selfish to know how good you've had it! Brontë: There it is. There it is, Joe. That's the real you. You pathetic misogynyst! Joe: You wanna know how I killed Beck?! I'll show you.

Finale [5.10]

No, I'm done! I am done, Joe. And I have been asking myself over and over: Why? And I finally-- I see it clearly now! The fantasy of a man like you is how we cope with the reality of a man like you!

Finale [5.10]

Joe: [internally] So... in the end, my punishment is even worse than I imagined. The loneliness. Oh. My. God. The loneliness. No hope of being held. Knowing this is forever. It's unfair. Putting all of this on me. Aren't we all just products of our environment? Hurt people hurt people. I never stood a chance. Officer: Goldberg. [slides a letter to Joe] Joe: [internally] Ah, yes. Another fan. Why am I in a cage when these crazies write me all the depraved things they want me to do to them? Maybe we have a problem as a society. Maybe we should fix what's broken in us. Maybe the problem isn't me. Maybe... it's you.