Quotes

Dialogue

Beaupre: We are going to Chicago. Unger: In the winter? I packed tropical.

Dialogue

Beaupre: There are 14 houses. The toy car must be in one of them. We're gonna have to search them all. We'll come back when it's light. Unger: We're gonna work houses in broad daylight? Beaupre: It's the suburbs, Mr. Unger. Nobody's home during the day.

Dialogue

Karen: You get in that bed, young man. Alex: Excuse me, but I saw a man in Karen Stephan's bedroom, a little older than Dad, and he was wearing butt inspection gloves. Karen: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there. Alex: Well, I guess you have to be 35 before anyone around here listens to you. Karen: Don't get smart with me, Alex. Sick or not, I am very angry with you. You caused a lot of trouble today. Dad and I have to replace a door at the Stephans'. Do you think we're happy about that? Alex: I saw what I saw!

Dialogue

Jernigan: It's a video camera. Someone's onto us. Unger: Do you think this really matters? Chip's in the car. We're at the airport in 45 minutes. Beaupre: Where's Alice? Alice: [as she pushes a baby stroller to the Alcott's shed] What happened? Beaupre: There's a woman in the house. I'll go back in and deal with her. Get the chip. Jernigan: Unger. What's your position? Unger: Heading down Washington Street. Jernigan: I didn't copy. Where? Unger: I said, I'm heading to Wuh-ah-ah-ah... Unger: Stop, you nitwit!

Dialogue

Unger: I can't tell you how much I appreciate you hitting me with the minivan. Jernigan: Never let your emotions get the best of you. You weren't paying attention. You should have been more vigilant. Unger: You should've taken driver's ed. I'm gonna have bad knees when I'm old and I'll have Burton Jernigan to thank.

Dialogue

I need assistance. I'm exposed.

Dialogue

Mrs. Hess: What are you doing? Alice: I left my heart in San Francisco.

Dialogue

Heads up! [donging is heard] Ouch.

Dialogue

Alice: You got hit with a book? Unger: Books. Plural. A trunk full of books. And then a set of weights. We got hit twice, ya dumb broad. Alice: Excuse me, Mr. Unger. I didn't get taken down by an infant. Beaupre: We didn't anticipate the defense the boy would mount.

Dialogue

Beaupre: [as he peeks into the mailslot of Alex's house] You can run, but you can't hide, Junior! Alex: Surprise! Alex: What a loser.

Dialogue

Unger: I'm coming for you, shorty, to pay you back for all the misery you caused me. Alice: Mr. Unger, what are you doing? Unger: Kid's in the closet. Scaring him a little, just before I grab him. And behind door number one...! Unger: [disapponted] ...towels. Jernigan: Hmph. Unger: I saw this door close. Alice: Idiot. Unger: Would I make it up? Why? What's the point? We working on commission here?

Dialogue

Jernigan: [hit in the groin by Alice's crowbar] You smacked my winkie! Alice: Well, if you changed your shorts once in a while, maybe you wouldn't have rats in your pants!

Dialogue

Police Officer #1: Freeze! Unger: [in the pool frozen with Jernigan] You gotta be kidding me. Alex: There's a senior citizen across the street who's gonna need some soup and a doctor to look at her feet. There's two guys in our pool and a woman in our basement. The other one's gone. Agent Stuckey: [shows Alex a photo of Beaupre] Is this him? Alex: Yep. Agent Stuckey: For seven years, I've been after this guy. He always manages to slip away. Thanks. Police Officer #1: It's just the three, sir. Agent Stuckey: Where's your boss? Get 'em outta here. Police Officer #1: Yes, sir. Let's go, popsicle.

Dialogue

I had the chicken pox when Herbert Hoover was in the White House.

Dialogue

Three from downtown. And the crowd goes wild.

Dialogue

Oh, man. I hope they're not-- ( gasps, screams )

Dialogue

Molly: Alex, slammed the toilet seat down on his thing again. Parrot: Bull's-eye. Karen: Alex! What happened?

Dialogue

Stan: I had nothing to do with this. I'm innocent. Jack: I'll call back. Phone: All right. Jack: Alex!

Dialogue

Singer: [ sings ] Up in the morning, off to school. Jack: You should get going. Stan: See you later, dad. Singer: [ sings ] To teach you the golden rule. American history and practical math. Singer: [ sings ] Feeling is there, body and soul. Ring, ring goes the bell.

Dialogue

Alex! I'm on with the office.