Quotes

The Art of the Steal [4.01]

Mary: [voiceover] Make no mistake: buying a car or copping a plea, deal making is a bloodsport. When a witness lands on my doorstep he's trading in his testimony, his hometown, and everyone he ever knew for a life at the end of the road. So we set him up; a new name, address, a job we hope he won't hate, but the one thing I can't give him, the deal I've yet to strike, is the one that protects him from the guy in the mirror. Marshall: I'm impressed. Mary: With what? Marshall: You seem to be following a direct order. Mary: [scoffs] I always follow a direct order. Unless, you know, it's stupid. Marshall: I'm also impressed you seem to be rolling with change. It's not something at which you are adept. Mary: Hey, I'm adept at change! I mean, did I not go on vacation with Faber? No one, including me, thought I could vacate, and I vacated! Marshall: During the so-called vacation you convinced Faber to go make things work with his ex-wife and kids, which proves my thesis that you prefer a know

Crazy Like a Witness [4.02]

Mary: [voiceover] In my experience, holding out for closure does nothing but prolong the pain. The stoics got it right. Lance the boil, rip off the band-aid. Man up and get on with it. I gotta go. ADA: Just make sure my witness shows up safe and sound at trial. Mary: Wait, safe and sound? Is that new? That's not an either or thing? Mary: [to coffee maker as she answers her phone] I hate you! Marshall: What? Mary: No, not you. Marshall: Joey called. He said there's a situation at the house. Mary: I am not going anywhere until I get... Marshall: I've got two coffees. Mary: I swear to God, you're a keeper. Mary: Unbelievable. Adam was dead on about these guys from the get-go. Marshall: Ah, the dulcet sound of a Mary Shannon admission, so rarely heard in nature. Mary: Do you think everyone wants to punch you in the mouth? Mary: [voiceover] One of my earliest memories is of a beachfront and a flagpole, and of lightning flashes heading for the shore. As grownups ran around, frantic, gatherin

Love in the Time of Colorado [4.03]

Mary: [voiceover] The little guy. The underdog. David as opposed to Goliath. These are who we're raised to root for, to climb every mountain, take on all comers, the shock the world with a win at Lake Placid, and once in a blue moon they do. But the unerring fate that every little guy will find love, bring home the gold, or slay the dragon is in reality the stuff dreams are made of, or rather fairytales. Just saying. Mary: All right, fess up. Is something going on between you two? You having a fling or something? Jimmy: I'm not having a fling. Mary: Then, what? Don't tell me you've been in love with her since high school or something. Jimmy: No. Since I was nine, actually. Marshall: Let me get this straight. Your whole life you've loved one woman? Jimmy: It's not like I didn't date. I had girlfriends. I even almost got engaged once. But ever since that first kiss in Winnie's bedroom window, no one's ever measured up. Mary: Of course no one's measured up. You never got together. It's al

Meet the Shannons [4.04]

Mary: And so it begins. Marshall: And so what begins? Mary: Extreme Makeover: The Marshall Mann edition. She zeroed in on what needs fixing, I'm telling you. Don't get me wrong, I like Abigail, I do. Marshall: You hide it well. Mary: But you know the type. She's a fixer. Trust me, aside from late night cramming for her SATs, that girl will not rest till she's completely changed you. Mary: [voiceover] Everybody fakes it... pretending they like the friend's spouse, feigning interest in the ozone or christmas carols at the door. Just it seems somehow smarter or nicer. Kinder... funnier. It's like we ought to be Canadians or something. Beth Harris: You know, you don't have to check on me 24/7. Mary: What are you talking about? I'm not checking on you. I always hang out in the smoker's section with the cool kids. Beth: This is where the cheerleaders sit. Mary: Ah. That explains the hives. Mary: Hey, how'd you meet Abigail? Marshall: Good morning. Mary: Just go with me here. Marshall: At the

Second Crime Around [4.05]

Mary: [voiceover] Evolution is a funny thing, developing defense mechanisms that work solely on the element of surprise. Case study: When I was seven, Scott Halley and I caught a lizard in his backyard. The lizard was so shocked, it shed its tail in Scott's hand, at which point Scott started bawling. His dad said the tail would grow back. But before we could witness the reptilian resurrection, his parents split up and his mom moved him to Sarasota. Point is, to survive is to let go... of old habits, new friends, and to shed your tail every now and again. It leaves scars, and it isn't pretty, but if you look close enough, what is? Marshall: Coffee sour? You're making that face. Mary: It's this clown, Ronnie Dowenberg. Marshall: Ah, the affinity scammer. Mary: Sells good Samaritans on phony bonds to build imaginary churches. I don't even like church and I hate this guy. Con-men are the worst. Marshall: They're great on the stand, blend in anywhere, they play ball. Mary: That's what they

Something A-mish [4.06]

Mary: [voiceover] To raise a child, says an African proverb, and one first lady of note, it takes a village, a community. Families splashing at a car wash to support the local school. Seeding a little league field in advance of opening day. That's not how it went in our house. We never made it to the car wash or the bake sales. Our communal experiences meant ducking debt collectors and the FBI, which wasn't without its lessons. Shutting all the lights off, a sudden makeshift hide and seek, or moving every month or two teaches you quick to count on a community of one. Mary: [whispers across the hallway to her out of sight partner] Marshall! Marshall: [whispers back] I'm done with the Amish jokes! Mary: Why? They're funny! Marshall: They're not, and before you ask, I haven't seen the remote. Mary: Ugh. What about a pillow? Have you seen an extra pillow? These beds suck. I swear to God, I think my mattress is made of wood. [looks up as Marshall appears in her doorway wearing an Amish styl

I'm a Liver Not a Fighter [4.07]

Mary: [voiceover] A week before my father left, we were in the kitchen as the sun came up. Just the two of us. I was six. Mom was passed out in the bedroom in a tangle of sweaty sheets while I scavenged cupboards in a nearly-empty fridge for anything to eat. Dad called me over to the table, told me to bring the milk. We sat there, the last meal we ever shared, eating oreos that he'd left out overnight. Over soft, stale oreos, my father told me we were special because we knew a secret that other people don't. Like many things, an oreo, over time, becomes the very best version of itself. That was his last bit of wisdom. The final gospel of James Wiley Shannon. Five days later, he was gone. Marshall: A doctor. Mary: No. Marshall: An OB/GYN. Mary: Still a doctor, still a no. Marshall: It's a simple blood test. It takes five minutes. Five minutes. Mary: "Five minutes to blood test, five minutes to blood test." Ease up, Rain Man. Maybe count some cards or toothpicks or something. Marshall: W

Kumar vs. Kumar [4.08]

Marshall: I think I want to adopt Vick. Mary: He has parents, Marshall. Plus, two nerds don't make a right. Marshall: I know, it's just hanging out with him I can't help thinking about what it would be like: fatherhood. Speaking of which, you know you have to tell Mark about this stuff, right? [motions to her belly] Mary: No. It was a one night stand. I don't have to tell my ex-husband anything. That's what one night stands and ex-husbands are for. Mary: That was Ashok. Marshall: What was a shock? Mary: On the phone. That was Ashok. Marshall: Ah-shoke. Mary: Whatever. Whoever. He's on his way up. Marshall: How did he sound? Mary: How do you think? Arrogant! He sounded arrogant. Like he's better than everyone and right about everything. [gets a long look from Marshall] Yeah, but I really am. Peter: So you ducking Brandi... Mary: She sent you to what? To spy on me? Peter: No, this is a solo mission, but it's all starting to make sense. She doesn't know about your... Mary: Growth Spurt, n

The Rolling Stones [4.09]

Mary: [voiceover] Back at our Lady of Immaculata, the nuns taught us that getting into college and/or heaven was a matter of sitting up straight, shutting your mouth, and keeping your eyes in the front of the class. But the sisters' best intentions didn't always pave the way to the Ivy League, let alone the afterlife. The fallacy is believing that being good means doing well. That walking the straight and narrow, minding your P's and Q's, and following the golden rule will, in the long run, reap rewards. Marshall: Patience, grasshopper. Mary: Suck it, sensei. Marshall: You're not annoyed at taking a backseat? Mary: Are you kidding me? It's Goofus & Gallant in there I get the easy one. The backseat's the least I could hope for; I'm looking for the trunk. Stan: Good. That's good. Good deal. Mary: As for your smug little attitude, I'm not so much bothered by it as I am memorizing it. You know, for when this all blows up in your face. Stan: There we go. Mary: And for the record, just becau

Girls, Interrupted [4.10]

Mary: [voiceover] The getaway, I guess, is in my blood. Away from the screaming chaos of my childhood home, I would fly out the door and hop on my bike, white knuckling the handlebars with nowhere to go, I'd pedal as fast as it took to feel my hair in the wind and the sting on my face. Whether I wanted to be found or just missed, I'm not sure. But no one ever sent out a search party. Those frantic, furious bike rides never took me more than a few miles from my house. But it was far enough for me to learn that I could get back on my own. And that sometimes the best way to find yourself is to get yourself lost. Carlos: Your loved ones hurt you when you were a child. It made you fear getting close to anyone because they may hurt you too. Mary: My family wasn't perfect and kids are hardwired from an early age. I mean, I've seen more...savvy insight on $2 t-shirt and novelty mugs. Carlos: Now you have a child on its way. And a very important choice to make. Mary: Says who? Carlos: The unive

Girls, Interrupted [4.10]

[to witness] Look, of course you're right, she had her shot, and there's nothing more soul sucking than forgiveness, but sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, and close your eyes and fall on your sword. Look, family's never perfect. All it is, really, is yours. [voiceover] Those things we love in childhood, whether it's taking off on your own or playing the oboe, they're planted deep in the ground with you. Which is why true transformation takes more than hot rocks and drum circles, wandering the woods for a sign or a path. But I'll say this: Robert Frost had it right about the road less traveled, because not knowing where you're headed leads you sometimes to right where you belong.

Provo-Cation [4.11]

Mary: [voiceover] The summer after first grade, my neighbor taught me how swim. Mrs. Duane, on dry land, was a sumo-sized single mom and CPA. But five feet from the edge of the shallow end, she was my own personal safe harbor. Holding out her stay-puft marshmallow arms, she'd say, "close your eyes, count to five, take a breath, and jump." What came next was a frantic mix of kicking and gulping and bubbles and gasps. Slowly, but somewhat surely, I made it through my turquoise-colored panic and into her waiting arms. Not because I wasn't scared. Because she wasn't. Marshall: Let's move in together. You, me, and Oscar. Abigail: Okay. I'll give notice tomorrow. Marshall: I'm serious. Abigail: So am I. Marshall: It's not too soon? Abigail: Marshall, he's a dog. He'll adjust. Marshall: "Luke" now. Interesting. Mary: What's interesting? It's his name. Marshall: You two went to lunch? Mary: I had to eat. He was there. Whatever. Marshall: You make it sound so romantic. Mary: Romantic? Marshall.

Provo-Cation [4.11]

[voiceover] Ask any aquaphobic six-year-old. There are benefits to staying out of the pool. You get to mock the nose plugs and the kickboards, eat ice cream without watching the clock for 30 minutes after. And the dry itch aftermath, the bleachy stench of chlorine is someone else's cross to bear. But sitting poolside as others splash around can tempt even the most timid. If you're feeling brave, you close your eyes, count to five, take a breath, and jump. And you hope that someone stronger, more currently reliable-- your own sumo-sized CPA-- will be there to pull through the kicks and the gulps, the bubbles and the gasps.

A Womb With A View [4.12]

Mary: [voiceover] I heard this lame-ass, late-night radio shrink once who claimed he could tell everything about you from the car you drive. Your education, or lack thereof, your income, race. He even had a best-guess at the busyness of your sex life, or lack thereof. Everything you are, reduced to make, model, and the choice of air freshener hanging from your rearview. Guy gets an advanced degree in "you are what you own" t-shirt wisdom. His parents must be proud. Marshall: Um... listen. We don't have to get into this if you don't want, but all this with the Templeton's, the adoption, that's all... set in stone? Mary: Are you serious? Oh, my God, get in line. Tell Brandi and Jinx I say hi. Marshall: Hey, I just thought, I don't know, this Grace situation might've churned up some second thoughts for you. Mary: Well, obviously, it's churned up some second thoughts for you. You clearly think I'm making a bad decision. Marshall: No, just a hard one. Look, whatever you're going to do, I ha

Something Borrowed, Something Blew Up [4.13]

Mary: [voiceover] I've always been mystified by the mindset of makeup: age-defying, firming, regenerating, micro-sculpting, putting car payments worth of your paycheck into a three ounce bottle. I'm amazed. Honestly, it's like I'm on safari. I mean, I get it. On some level you want to change, hide, feel what it's like to be just not you, if only for a night, but at the end of the day, as your haggard reflection will tell you every time, the makeup comes off and all that you're left with is exactly who you are. Stan: We're moving the witness. This thing is done. U.S. District Attorney: McQueen, I can call Washington, get them to okay an alternate juror. You can't shut this down! Stan: Yeah? I'm a U.S. Marshall, counselor. I got jurisdiction in fifty states, plus territories, and right now I got a witness to protect. You want to call D.C., be my guest! Abigail: You scared me. Marshall: I scared you? For me it was the sniper fire. Ow. Abigail: Don't a baby. Let me get the glass out. Marsh