Raising Hope

Lucy's Victim: She tried to choke me with a pair of shoelaces. She was screaming something about how I forgot her birthday. I chased her for a few blocks, but then she jumped into a van with some guy. Good luck, dude. Her birthday's May 12th. I'd buy a card now. Jimmy: Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask. Sabrina: I'm sure it's not stupid. Jimmy: Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans? Sabrina: That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache. Jimmy: I

Raising Hope, CC BY-SA 4.0

Jimmy: Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby. Virginia: Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.

Raising Hope, CC BY-SA 4.0

Virginia: The hell is that? Burt: I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble. Burt: It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit. Virginia: No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

Raising Hope, CC BY-SA 4.0

Burt: [about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose. Virginia: I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.

Raising Hope, CC BY-SA 4.0

Virginia: [Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think. Burt: You know I can't think on demand like that. Virginia: Think! Burt: Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think- Virginia: All right, all right! Burt: -And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!

Raising Hope, CC BY-SA 4.0

Sabrina: Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo? Virginia: Yes, he is. He ate it. Sabrina: Excuse me? Jimmy: Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch. Sabrina: You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head? Virginia: Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old... Jimmy: Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.

Raising Hope, CC BY-SA 4.0