Quotes

Dialogue

Willie Wang: ...I covered him (Twain's body) up, Pop...I can't believe you missed it. The world's five greatest living detectives, and not one of you noticed that Twain was clutching a note in his hand! Sidney Wang: Give it to me. Willie: No, it's mine. Milo Perrier: Oh, give it to your father, you idiot! Willie: (gloating) "Idiot!?" We'll see who's the idiot, Mr. Perrier! The $1 million goes to whoever solves the crime, and that could be me just as easily as you! I've got more brains than my father gives me credit for! "#3 Adopted Son?" I'm sick and tired of being just your #3 Adopted Son. I'm Willie Wang, Young Detective! This clue belongs to me, and nobody's getting it from me, you understand? Nobody! Sam Diamond: (with his gun leveled at Willie's head) Better stand back, Tess. I don't want you to get hurt when the bullet comes out his other ear. (takes the note and reads) "Please call dairy and cancel future deliveries of milk; Lionel Twain deceased." (hands back the note) So much

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Dr. Watson: ...I say, old boy! Could you possibly direct us to - Hello, it's Mr. Sidney Wang! Sherlock Holmes: Good evening, Mr. Wang. Sidney Wang: Good evening. You need directions to where? Watson: Ah, yes - We've been cordially invited to dinner and a murder by one Mr. Lionel Twain. Willie Wang: Lionel Twain!? Listen, you guys don't want - Sidney: (cutting him off) Never mind him, please. You just go up this road, past bridge, "22 Twain." No can miss it. Watson: Ever so much obliged! Good day, then! (He and Holmes drive off) Willie: I don't get it, Pop! Why didn't you just tell them it was all a ripoff? Sidney: Ah, let idiots find out for themselves! Drive, please.

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Dick Charleston: Darling, I smell crime in the air! Dora Charleston: I'm not surprised; you just ran over a small animal.

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Dora Charleston: What a godforsaken spot to get lost! Dick Charleston: Yes, I saw a much better spot a few miles back.

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Dick Charleston: I say, you don't happen to have a seen a little white...Wang! Willie Wang: A white wang? Dick Charleston: Good heavens, Sidney Wang! What are you doing in this godforsaken spot? Sydney Wang: No doubt same as you: looking for bridge that lead to home of host, Mr. Lionel Twain.

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Tess Skeffington: If you ask me, Sam, this is a wild goose chase. Sam Diamond: Nobody asked you, baby. Tess Skeffington: Yes, they did. You asked me. You asked me back there if I— Sam Diamond: That was then. This is now. And nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are, whether we like it or not.

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Sidney Wang: Weight of two men may be too much for bridge. Willie Wang: Then why do I get to drive the car? Sidney Wang: Because I smart enough to get out first.

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Willie Wang: Are you nuts, Pop? Someone's trying to kill us! Sidney Wang: Yes, should make exciting weekend. Ring, please. Willie Wang: I wish it was Monday morning.

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Sidney Wang: Did you see that? Willie Wang: No. Sidney Wang: Neither did I.

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Sidney Wang: Strange weather: storm only outside, when...inside. Butler: Oh, that. That's just one of Mr. Twain's little toys.

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Dora Charleston: What's your name? Butler: Bensonmum. Dora Charleston: Thank you, Benson. Butler: No, no. Bensonmum- my name is Bensonmum. Dick Charleston: Bensonmum? Butler: Yes, sir. Jamessir Bensonmum. Dick Charleston: Jamessir? Butler: Yes, sir? Dick Charleston: Jamessir Bensonmum? Butler: (slightly annoyed) Yes, sir. Dick Charleston: How odd. Butler: My father's name, sir. Dick Charleston: What was your father's name? Butler: Howard. Howard Bensonmum. Dick Charleston: Your father's name was Howard Bensonmum? Dora Charleston: Leave it alone Dickie, I've had enough.

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Tess Skeffington: Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar. Sam Diamond: I was workin' a case!!! Tess Skeffington: Oh, Sam - every night for six months?!

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Willie Wang: Why would anyone want to hire a blind butler? Sidney Wang: For one thing, very cheap. How butler know how much he get paid?

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Dick Charleston: Up there, Dora, look - the blind butler. Dora Charleston: Don't let him park the car, Dickie.

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Dick Charleston: Died of what? Butler: She murdered herself in her sleep, sir. Dick Charleston: You mean suicide? Butler: Oh, no. It was murder, all right. Mrs. Twain hated herself.

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Marcel: You have chocolate on your face. Milo Perrier: What? Marcel: The candy bar, it is all over your face. Milo Perrier: That is my moustache. Marcel: Lick it and see.

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Sam Diamond: And I owe Ms. Skeffington here three years and two months back pay. Ain't that right, angel? Tess Skeffington: I don't care about the money, Sam. Sam Diamond: Neither do I.

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Dora Charleston: Mr. Diamond, you have a bullet hole in your back! Sam Diamond: You should see the other guy.

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Milo Perrier: One moment. Where is the soup? Butler: In your dish. Milo Perrier: There is nothing in my dish but my dish. Butler: (sipping from empty spoon) I see what you mean, sir. If you'll excuse me, I'd better have a little talk with the cook.

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Dick Charleston: Just as I thought. Another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am enormously well-bred. Sam Diamond: Lucky it wasn't me; I'da been chopped liver by now.

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Sidney Wang: What meaning of this, Mr. Twain? Lionel Twain: I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if you can tell me why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his prepositions or articles. The, Mr. Wang. What is the meaning of this? Sidney Wang: That what I said: what meaning of this?

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Jessica Marbles: What is it? Milo Perrier: A bill. Everything here has been rented for tonight - the butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything. Jessica Marbles: You mean...? Milo Perrier: Yes, this entire murder has been...catered.

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Milo Perrier: He's gone. Jessica Marbles: Who's gone? Milo Perrier: The butler. His body is missing. Here's the key Sidney Wang: If butler gone, where you find key? Milo Perrier: In his pocket. Jessica Marbles: What pocket? Milo Perrier: The butler's pocket. Sidney Wang: Butler gone but pocket still there? Milo Perrier: Exactly.

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Sidney Wang: Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wheels - very soon get nowhere. Milo Perrier: Oh, be quiet. I'm sick of your fortune cookies. Sidney Wang: Oh, man who is sick of fortune cookie...

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Milo Perrier: What do you make of all of this, Wang? Sidney Wang: Is confusing. Lionel Twain: It! It is confusing. Say your goddamn pronouns!

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Sam Diamond: I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they steal the clothes and bring the body back. Who'd do a thing like that? Dick Charleston: Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.

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Milo Perrier: When is a dining room filled with people not a dining room filled with people? Jessica Marbles: When it is two dining rooms!

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Milo Perrier: Don't ask me! Dick Charleston: What are you doing in the butler's uniform? Milo Perrier: I said don't ask me! I don't know. It all happened so quickly!

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Dora Charleston: Is he dead? Sam Diamond: With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.

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Sam Diamond: Shut up, all of youse! Nobody move! Stay where you are, everybody! Dick Charleston: What is it? Sam Diamond: I haveta go to the can again! I don't want to miss nothin'!

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Willie Wang: Why do I do all the dirty work, Pop? Sidney Wang: Because your mother not here to do it.

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Sidney Wang: One moment, please. Very interesting theory, Mr. Charleston, but you overlook one very important point. Dick Charleston: And that is? Sidney Wang: (giggling) Is stupid. Is most stupid theory I ever heard!

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Tess Skeffington: He wasn't my father, he was my uncle. He was very good to me; he'd take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about 26. I'm sorry, Sam. Sam Diamond: 26? What the hell kinda circus was it?

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Willie Wang: Pop? Sidney Wang: Yes? Willie Wang: Who do you think is the murderer? Sidney Wang: Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up. Willie Wang: What if you don't wake up? Sidney Wang: Then you did it.

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Jessica Marbles: Good God - gas! Miss Withers: I'm sorry, I can't help it. I'm old. Jessica Marbles: No, no. The other kind of gas. The kind that kills! Miss Withers: Sometimes my gas...

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Marcel: Oh, you are unfair! I will tell everyone that you wear a toupée. Milo Perrier: They already know! Marcel: Then why do you wear it? Milo Perrier: I didn't know that you knew. Marcel: Certainly I know. It is a terrible toupée.

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Butler: Very clever of you, Mr. Wang. As you can see, I can see. Sydney Wang: So I see. Butler: Tell me, as the only survivor, how did you deduce it was me? Sydney Wang: Went back to theory seldom used today: butler did it. Butler: I hadn't thought of that.

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Sidney Wang: There, voice come from cow on wall! Lionel Twain: Moose! Moose, you imbecile! Milo Perrier: Where are they?! What have you done with the others, you short madman! Lionel Twain: Aha! Stumped already! Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier? Milo Perrier: Clues? I need no clues from you- I'll find my own clues, you demented lollipop!

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Sydney Wang: Door locked. Jessica Marbles: Sam Diamond probably locked it from the inside as a precaution. Sydney Wang: Good thinking on Diamond head.

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Willie Wang: I don't get it, Pop - was there a murder or wasn't there? Sydney Wang: Yes, killed good weekend! Drive, please.

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Dick Charleston: Now, let's see what we have here. We have one missing, dead, naked butler; one host with a butcher's knife in his back; and one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets. Dora Charleston: Oh, is that what that is? Dick Charleston: Yes. They can kill instantly; I suggest we don't move. Dora Charleston: For how long? Dick Charleston: Quite possibly, the rest of our lives.

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Sam Diamond: You did good, Tess. How'd you find out all that information? Tess Skeffington: I wrote to Twain and asked him. Sam Diamond: Good thinking.

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Butler: I'll get your bags sir. Sydney Wang: No, son do that, that is why I adopted him. Butler: Very good, sir.

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Marcel: Zer is something very creepy about this monsieur, I can feel it in my buns. Milo Pierre: Buns? Buns! You brought buns and you didn't tell me! Marcel: No monsieur, I am talking about the buns in my body. Milo Pierre: You should not speak in an accent when you know I am hungry.