Blackadder II

Kate: Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long, you mutter to yourself, jibber, dribble, moan, and bash your head against the wall yelling "I want to die!". It's Mother, isn't it? Kate's Father: No it's not. Kate: You're brooding over her death, aren't you? Kate's Father: Kate, for the final time, your mother's not dead. She's run off with your Uncle Henry! Kate: I know you only say such things to comfort me. Kate's Father: Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich! It's not her I brood over. I'm sad because our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. I must look to my own dear, tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage. Kate: But, Father, surely-? Kate's Father: Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute. Kate: [shocked] Father! Kate's Father: Do you defy me?! Kate: Why, indeed I do! For it is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy! Kate's Father: No it isn't. Kate: I'm young and strong and cle

Blackadder II (series 2), CC BY-SA 4.0

Percy: Sorry I'm late! Blackadder: Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive. Percy: Not bad, Edmund. Ah, I see the target's ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me. Blackadder: Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them. Percy: I advise them to stay there then, keep their hands off our women. Blackadder: Oh god, who is she this time? Percy: I don't know what you mean. Blackadder: [swipes the pink note sticking out of Percy's tunic, opens it and kicks Percy when he tries to take it back] Ah, and who is Jane? Percy: I am sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. [Blackadder, without looking, kicks him in the groin] Jane Harrington! We are very much in love, my lord. Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington? Percy: Yes. Blackadder: Jane "Bury-Me-In-A-Y-Shaped-Coffin" Harrington? Percy: Um, I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons. Blackadder: No, tall, blonde, elegant? Percy: That's right. Blackadder: Goes like a privy door w

Blackadder II (series 2), CC BY-SA 4.0

Baldrick: I've got nowhere to go, my lord. Blackadder: Oh, surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks? Baldrick: I've been in your service since I was two-and-a-half, my lord. Blackadder: Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you. Baldrick: Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages? Blackadder: Well, you know where you'd have to live. Baldrick: In the gutter. Blackadder: Yes. And you'd have to work a bit harder, too. Baldrick: Of course.

Blackadder II (series 2), CC BY-SA 4.0

Doctor Leech: Now then, what seems to be the problem? Blackadder: Well, it's my manservant. Doctor Leech: I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your, er, manservant on the table and we'll take a look at it. Blackadder: No, I mean, it's my real manservant. Doctor Leech: Uh-huh. And what's wrong with him? Blackadder: There's nothing wrong with him. That's the problem. He's perfect. And last night, I almost kissed him. Doctor Leech: I see. So you've started fancying boys, then? Blackadder: Not boys, a boy. Doctor Leech: Yes, well, let's not split hairs. It's all rather disgusting, and, naturally, you're worried. Blackadder: Of course I'm worried! Doctor Leech: Of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself? Blackadder: Not really, no. Doctor Leech: Bloody hell, I would be. Still, why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for

Blackadder II (series 2), CC BY-SA 4.0

Blackadder: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney? Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be! Blackadder: [annoyed] "Yes, it is," not "That it be". And you don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman. Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?! Blackadder: Yes. The Wise Woman. Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First...she is a woman! And second...she is... Blackadder: Wise? Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then? Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives? Young Crone: 'Course. Blackadder: Where? Young Crone: 'Ere. Do you have an appointment? Blackadder: No. Young Crone: Oh...you can go in anyway. Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies... [she tries to grab it] which I'm not going to give to you. [walks in] Wise Woman: Hail, Edmund, Lord of

Blackadder II (series 2), CC BY-SA 4.0

Lord Melchett: I bring grave intelligence about your former favourite, Lord Blackadder. He wishes to marry a girl called Bob. Queen: That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth. Or Mary. Nursie: And Donald. Queen: Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut. Nursie: It's true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil. Queen: Then why's your name Nursie? Nursie: That ain't my real name. Queen: What is your real name? Nursie: [chuckles] Bernard. Queen: [smiles] Suits you, actually.

Blackadder II (series 2), CC BY-SA 4.0