Quotes

Pilot

Dutch: [about a dead body] Christ, you don't see a rack like that everyday Claudette: You wanna give them a squeeze?

Pilot

That's funny. I don't recall having signed up for an ethics lesson from a scumbag defense lawyer.

Pilot

Lonnie Reeborg: I killed her. I killed my sweet Nancy! What did I do that for? Dutch: 'Cause you like crack?

Pilot

Claudette: Right now Vic Mackey may look like a mighty big catch to you. Do the smart thing, son. Cut bait. David: It doesn't bother you, the things that he does? Claudette: I don't judge other cops. David: Mackey's not a cop. He's Al Capone with a badge. Claudette: Al Capone made money by giving people what they wanted. What people want these days is to make it to their cars without getting mugged. Come home from work and see their stereo is still there. Hear about some murder in the barrio, find out the next day the police caught the guy. If having all those things means some cop roughed up some nigger or some spic in the ghetto...well, as far as most people are concerned it's don't ask, don't tell.

Pilot

Dr. Grady: What's in the bag? Dr. Grady: What's that stuff for? Vic: It's what I'm gonna use to get you to tell me where Jenny Reeborg is. Dr. Grady: Your turn to play bad cop? Vic: Nah, good cop and bad cop left for the day, I'm a different kinda cop. Dr. Grady: [To the surveillance camera] I'm ready to see my lawyer now.

Our Gang

[to Dutch] Go get a sandwich, Dutchboy.

Our Gang

Gangbanger: Bienvenido a La Vida! Julien: What's he saying? Danny: Welcome to the life.

Our Gang

Danny: Where the hell were you last night? Julien: What do you mean? Danny: Detective Crowley got shot. I left you a message. Julien: Yeah, I got it. Danny: So? Julien: So...you didn't say anything about me having to come down. Danny: I shouldn't have to. A fellow officer was dying in that hospital. Julien: I said a prayer for him. Danny: A prayer? Julien: Yeah. Julien: What? I've been on the job three weeks, I didn't even know that guy. Danny: Rule number one, he was a cop. That means you knew him.

Our Gang

Vic: Terry asked me to move him up. Frances: He was part of your team. Vic: He wasn't ready for this. Frances: Eight years on the force, a stint in Robbery, two commendations... Sounds to me like he was ready. Vic: Strike Team's different. Frances: Really? Vic: We knock down the doors other cops don't want to. My guys accept the risks because they know I will take care of them. We go out on a mission, I expect every single one of them to come home. Anything else is unacceptable.

The Spread

Dutch: What do you do for fun with all that free time? Richard: I have some hobbies. Dutch: I know, nice sperm collection.

The Spread

Lem: That is the hottest chick there ever was, man! Tripp: Her? That's a par. Got me another in Detroit, goddamn BIRDIE. Shane: Big deal, she's probably spread her legs for half the league. Tripp: Too bad you can't make a jump shot.

The Spread

Vic: They stitch you up okay? Connie: Between this and my cesarean, I'm a god damned road map.

The Spread

Vic: [on the phone] Come on Captain, you know how those rich pricks are, he probably has his face snorkel deep in some broad's snatch. In a few hours he'll come up for air. Aceveda: [to the lawyer] You know how those celebrities are, he's probably with a female admirer. Give it a few hours. He'll turn up.

The Spread

Shane: We killed a cop. Vic: Get over it, don't bring it up again.

Dawg Days

Vic: Dutch, how many times I gotta tell you--you can't feel up the victims. Dutch: She took one in the ass, but it's-- Vic: --not the first time. Right. That's a good one.

Dawg Days

[After failing to catch Eduardo] HEY! San Salvador's that way!!!

Blowback

[Listening to the Armenians] Huh... the Armenians... speak Armenian.

Blowback

Vic: Is there anything you're not allergic to? Ronnie: Sheet metal.

Blowback

Oh, you've gotta be shittin' me.

Blowback

We're all gonna crash and burn because of you! I mean...Christ, dude, Amy's not even that hot!

Blowback

Vic: You stopped to get laid? What the hell were you thinking? Shane: About getting laid.

Cherrypoppers

Connie: He was acting strange! Vic: So you shot him!?!

Cherrypoppers

Dutch: This investigation runs through me. You find anything, report it immediately! Vic: If I bring the guy in, you'll be the first to know, Dutchboy!

Cherrypoppers

Suspect: You can't prove that. Vic: I got tapes and witnesses, asshole. Only question left is whether you took a header into the concrete trying to resist arrest.

Pay In Pain

Vic: We're trying to prevent a war, not start one! Shane: The guy was being a pain in the ass! Vic: You've been a pain in the ass lately! Should I take a piss on you?

Pay In Pain

Glenda: I need someone to listen to me. Dutch: I'm busy at the moment, but maybe one of the uniforms-- Glenda: I said I need someone to listen to me! Dutch: ...Okay. Did you want to report a crime? Glenda: I've lost track of all the crimes. Dutch: I don't underst-- Glenda: I've lived in this neighborhood all my life keeping my complaints to myself. But no more. My apartment has been broken into seven time in the last four years. SEVEN TIMES! And you never catch anyone! You have got graffiti and cuss words on every single wall that you see. I've got needles on my sidewalk, beer cans on my lawn, and I stopped ducking at the sound of gunshots years ago. We can drop smart bombs down chimneys half a world away, but some sicko gets released from jail because of a computer screwup and rapes my niece! How does this make sense? I see that yellow police tape everywhere that I go. And it's all sirens and helicopters and search lights... You got mothers killing their children, children killing str

Pay In Pain

Trevor: What you sweating me for? I'm a cop. Shane: Slow down. Slow down. Right here. Hands behind your head. Trevor: I didn't do nothing. Shane: Ever? Or in the last 10 minutes, Kunta Kinte? Trevor: Suck my dick. Shane: What'd you say? Suck your what? Trevor: Screw you.

Cupid & Psycho

Vic: Police. You knew the OD victim? Sammy: He was rushing my frat. I'm the Pledge Master. Vic: This part of rush week? [shows him the drugs] Sammy: My father's a lawyer. Vic: Mine was a bricklayer. So, what?

Cupid & Psycho

Dutch: What the hell am I supposed to talk to Shane Vendrell about all day? Claudette: It's good to shake things up once in a while. Dutch: I don't want to shake things up, I want my partner back. Claudette: Aren't you sweet. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Dutch: You're gonna miss me too, right?

Cupid & Psycho

Hey, captain. Didn't see you there. Someone should put a bell around your neck.

Cupid & Psycho

[Shoving a guy's face into his dead brother's face] Here, you wanna see your brother? Here, kiss your brother.

Cupid & Psycho

Dutch: You want me to fly solo? Shane: Nah, man, looks like this is the only action I'm gonna get today. Dutch: Excuse me? Shane: You know the "I lost my husband tragically but I'm still young and hot and in need of an emotional release" kind of sex. Whoo! Dutch: You're kidding, right? Shane: What? Oh, you never covered some accident or homicide and gone back a month later for a "statement"? [laughs] This one's been hanging on the vine for a year, man--she is ripe!

Throwaway

Cacuzza: You guys aren't trying to pull one of your pranks, are you? Ronnie: No no no, I really want to move. Cacuzza: Right, and a man is just as good as a vibrator. What are you up to?

Throwaway

Claudette: I learned some interesting things. Dutch: So did I. You were a classical dancer when you were a teenager? Claudette: Okay, my father is now off-limits to you. Where is he? Dutch: How could you not share that? Claudette: I only studied nine months. Dutch: In Paris! Claudette: Here, do your thing with these and stop stalking me.

Dragonchasers

Dutch: [reading what Sean wrote on the board] Detective Wagenbach craves respect, fantasizes about being well liked, yet shows no outward manifestation of his low self-esteem. Feels ignored, unappreciated, inadequate with women. Sean: Ah, it's just off some first impressions, but I'll stand by it. Claudette: Maybe you'd like to read my palms too.

Dragonchasers

[Confronting Shane about an ill-advised sexual tryst he had with a suspect] I was doing a little channel surfing up in observation. I didn't know we got The Spice Network!

Dragonchasers

[to David about a reporter] This one will cut your hands off and smile sweetly as she asks you to clap louder.

Dragonchasers

Dutch: Let me draw you a picture, Sean. This is your aunt’s house. This is the porch. And this, this is the crawlspace Pasadena PD just dug two bodies out of. How many more are we gonna find, Sean? Five? Ten? Sean: [scoffing] 17. Claudette: 17? Shane: [watching on TV with the entire force, all in shock] Jesus Christ. Sean: That's just under the crawl space, you know? The other ones I dumped. I ran out of room under my aunt's house. Dutch: It's pathetic. Sean: What is? Dutch: How typical you are. Soon as you're caught, you try to be special. Sean: I killed 22 people. 23, if you wanna count the hunting accident back in Rockford. Oh, I'm special, all right. Dutch: If you're so special, how come a lowly civil servant like me just caught you?

Dragonchasers

Corrine: [as Vic arrives with Brian] Some husbands just bring home flowers. Vic: Yeah, I didn't have time to wrap him up.

Carnivores

Looks like you wandered into the wrong prayer group there, Frosty.

Carnivores

Vic: Why are you a better deal for me than Rondell? Tio: I don't use my own product. Rondell does. More and more. Tio: This whole Nation of Islam thing came on when he was high. Vic: How would you have handled it? Tio: Let them have the corner, move three blocks over. Dopers follow the dope. Pissing off the beanpie crowd just gives them a reason to live. Vic: Throw a little bit of that peaceful resistance right back at 'em, huh? Tio: Mmm-hmm. Now, if I'm done filling out the job application, let's talk about how much rent's gonna be. Vic: Actually, fifty grand lets you move in right away. Tio: Good thing I've been saving. [Shake hands] Vic: It's a good thing.

Two Days Of Blood

Vic: What'd you get on Gilroy? Shane: Checked out that hideaway in the hills... Vic: And? Lem: Mistress never checked in to those bungalows. Vic: Another lie. What the hell is he doing? Lem: Maybe he stashed her someplace else. Shane: Or slashed her someplace else. Vic: Oh, Jesus Christ! Lem: I always took Gilroy for a quiet drunk. Shane: It's the quiet ones you gotta worry about. [edit]

Two Days Of Blood

Aceveda: Come with me. Claudette: What's the matter? Aceveda: Someone leaked the 911 tapes. Claudette: Shit! Aceveda: It's all over the press. We got a situation brewing. Claudette: Bad? Aceveda: When we get there you should do all the talking. Coming from you, a plea for peace will sound more... Claudette: Black?

Two Days Of Blood

Dutch: That was some slide. Impact dragged him 75 feet. Claudette: Maybe you wanna call Guiness. Dutch: Nah. Record's something like over 30 miles. This isn't even a footnote.

Two Days Of Blood

Gabo: [about a rooster] Hey, man, where they taking him? Shane: Three little letters... KFC.

Circles

Danny: [knocking on door] You called the police? Betty: In here. Danny: Police in the house. Betty: You got here. Julien: What's wrong ma'am? Betty: Well, my daughter left, and I need my medicine. Julien: What medicine? Betty: For my arthritis. It's over there. Danny: You called us for your arthritis medicine? Betty: In the brown bottle over there. hand it to me. Danny: Ma'am, 911 is for emergencies. Betty: Well, this is an emergency to me. Danny: [opens the pill bottle] How many? Betty: Two. [stares at Danny] Danny: What? Betty: Well, would it kill you to get me a glass of water?

Circles

Gilroy: Wagenbach, what the hell are you doing just sitting at your desk? Dutch: I'm... I'm working a hit and run. Gilroy: Well, stop. We got cops bleeding out in the streets. Half the district's on fire. There is no other case.

Circles

Vic: [after busting through a fence and catching a runner] Alright slappy, you start talking! Witness: 'Sup, man, I didn't do nothin'! Vic: All right. Fine. You're not a witness... [pulls crack out of pocket and plants it on witness] You're an arrest! This here's just enough to make you a trafficker. Witness: Hey, you can't do that, man! Vic: What? Bust drug dealers? You just made my quota for the week!

The Quick Fix

Vic: What the hell are you doing? Shane: I'm not doing anything that we weren't doing before. I'm just pumping things up a level. Vic: And what level is that? Prison? Vic: All right, where's my investment now? Shane: It's all tied up in the coke shipment. Vic: That coke that had Tio's guy bleeding from every orifice?

The Quick Fix

Vic: How do I know I can trust you? Aceveda: How do I know I can trust you? Vic: I guess we have a deal then. Aceveda: This doesn't mean I like you.... Try screwing me on this, I'll bury you!

The Quick Fix

Kellis: Do you have that file for me? Dutch: [while on the phone, in a dismissive tone] I'll get it to you soon. Kellis: When I ask for something I ask politely because that's my nature, but when you make me ask a second time I loose my patience. This squad has been the epicenter of police corruption, civil law suites, and, most recently, a riot. The people I work for want answers. They expect me to get them. [Dutch hangs up the phone] I have the power to recommend changes, get people fired, even shut down this entire building if it's warranted! Do you understand what I'm saying detective!? Dutch: Yes Ma'am. Kellis: [calms down] Good. Uhmm... [laughs] if you could get me the Gilroy file, I would really appreciate it. Dutch: Sure. Kellis: Thank you.

The Quick Fix

U.S. Customs Officer: Do you have anything to declare? Vic: Only that it's good to be back in the States.

The Quick Fix

Vic: I need that money! Shane: Yeah! Well, we all do. Vic: No, I need it now to get back my kids! Shane: What are you talking about? Vic: THEY'RE GONE SHANE! Corrine took them, they disappeared.

Dead Soldiers

Arab man: So I'm a suspect just because I'm Arab? Danny: No, sir, you're a suspect because 19 guys who look like your twin brother killed 3,000 Americans.

Dead Soldiers

Dutch: You failed the GSR, Barney. Barney: Oh, really? Can I take it again? Dutch: [incredulous] No!

Dead Soldiers

Dutch: If you knew you shot her, why did you agree to the residue test? Barney: Well, if I didn't take it, I'd look guilty. And, you said it was a government test, so I figured, how reliable could it be?

Dead Soldiers

Vic: If you're such a good boy then do as I say. Pack up your shit, and get on the next donkey back to home. Armando: But I just got here, I think I'll stay for a while. Vic: Come on, maybe you can stay at my house for a while. Armando: Ya, what's the charge? Vic: I'll think of something on the way.

Partners

Dutch: If someone were trying to keep her alive, how long could she survive? Medic: With a tourniquet and basic medical knowledge, indefinitely. Dutch: Until he tired of his domination and control Dr. Mengele experiments and decided to squeeze the last breath out of her so he could watch. Medic: See, this is why you and me can't date.

Partners

Shane: Do you know what "Officer Involved Shooting" means? It means we're all involved. Julien: I told the truth. Shane: Hey, when it comes to your partner's career, truth is like grits. You don't serve it up plain, pour the salt on it! God-damn rookies.

Partners

I got a dead drug dealer, I got a suspect, who's probably skipped town and the only person who can shed any light on it is a uncooperative cop with a bad rap. You want me to let his case just slip away son?

Carte Blanche

Shane: Aceveda seems pissed. Vic: [grins] Just like old times.

Carte Blanche

Suspect: I'd like to see a warrant. Vic: I'd like to see Anna Kournikova naked on a waterbed.

Carte Blanche

Aceveda: You're going undercover as dirty cops. You think you can pull that off? Vic: We can try.

Carte Blanche

If I'm gonna be a crooked cop, I've at least got to be honest about it!

Carte Blanche

[while guarding a witness] Instead of playing poker, we should be playing poke her.

Greenlit

Claudette: Should I be worried about you? Dutch: Not about me. Maybe about the rest of humanity... bunch of sociopathic little narcissists out for ourselves. Begging... stealing... lying... screwing... raping... killing our babies. Whatever it takes to have a good time and save our own asses. I can't even believe in an old woman who's too sick to feed herself, and it's not sad... it's not some big surprise. It's just nature. We're animals... nothing more. And ya' know what? I'm learning to be OK with that.

Greenlit

Vic: See that one-niner over there? I've done a few favors for his crew out on the street. He's willing to pay me back. One phone call from me... and you're greenlit! Navaro: Greenlit? Vic: It's an American prison term. It means you'll be shanked in the shower asshole, bleed out before the guards even know you're late for breakfast.

Homewrecker

Mike: Oh you're so full of shit. Vic: No. Mike: You're gonna sit there and pretend to understand me, what I'm going through? Vic: N-N-Na-No. I'm telling you the truth. Mike: You think I'm gonna believe a bullshit story like that? Vic: Calm down. Mike: Like I'm going to associate with you? Vic: Calm down! Mike: Think I'm going to give you this gun? Think I'm some kind of idiot, that you don't have to take seriously? This is how serious I am! [Shoots Connie]

Homewrecker

Lou: Look you know I want to help, I just can't. Vic: You son of a bitch. Lou: For the record I have no useful information. Vic: You know he's out there, you know he's got the kid, and all you can think about is saving your own ass.

Barnstormers

[attempting to anger a suspect] You couldn't take a lie detector test if you wanted to because it couldn't fit around that fat wrist of yours.

Barnstormers

Dutch: Bob said it was your idea to cut the arm off. Marcy: Yeah. After that she wasn't so pretty.

Barnstormers

Claudette: [about Dutch closing a murder case] Nice job. Dutch: Don't sound so surprised. Claudette: Well, I was just worried about you for a little while. Dutch: Should've had more faith in me. Aceveda: Nice work. Dutch: [smugly] I know. Aceveda: I'm glad. Dutch: You should be. I break cases nobody else in this division can. I deserve a little more damn respect than I've been getting around here lately. You wanted me to close a case without incident? I did it. [throws his coat over his shoulder, and struts off cockily] Aceveda: I guess he's back. Claudette: I guess so.

Barnstormers

Vic: [about Julien's fiancee] She's a beautiful girl. Julien: Yeah. Vic: I guess I must have missed something. Last person I saw you kissing was a little more... male. Sure you know what you're doing? Julien: Yeah. Vic: In that case, congratulations.

Scar Tissue

Jarvis: It's illegal to carry bugspray? Danny: It is when you're trying to blind people with it. Jarvis: Yeah, well you're all bugging me.

Scar Tissue

Vic: You wanted me to hurt you. Armadillo: Every scar is a victory. This is just my biggest.

Scar Tissue

Vic: I've got a team member in the Burn Unit, the guy who did it out on the street and you think now is a good time to screw with my family. Claudette: I think Armadillo went to your house looking for you Vic. Lucky your wife and kids didn't end up in the Burn Ward. Vic: My family's off limits. Claudette: You tell that to Armadillo. Vic: I'm telling you!

Co-Pilot

[bumping his head on a cross] Jesus Christ. [Looking at Jesus's face on cross] God damnit! I didn't mean that.

Co-Pilot

Aceveda: Wagenbach? Dutch: Yeah. Hi, I'm Dutch... Aceveda: You're two hours late. Dutch: What? At Sunset detectives start at 9. Aceveda: You start here at 7. Dutch: Yes sir. I didn't realize... Aceveda: You're lucky there's a desk left. Dutch: That's by the kitchen and the women's restroom. Is there anything else? Aceveda: There was at 7.

Co-Pilot

Gannon: I keep hiding his chair on him. Vic: You're starting already? Gannon: Every house needs a rube. Shane: And you're anointing this guy?

Coyotes

Dutch: A transsexual or a cross-dresser? Long John: Is there a difference? Dutch: Yeah, a pretty big one.

Coyotes

Vic: [sees Claudette staring at him] Yeah? Claudette: Just reading the newspaper. Have you? Vic: Lakers cut it pretty close last night. Claudette: They're not the only ones.

Inferno

Lannie: This is a federal case, they had every right to know. Vic: You blew our covert entry, put each one of my men in danger you sanctimonious little bitch. Lannie: I'll be sure to include that quote in my report. Vic: Include whatever you'd like. And tell those amateurs you got following me they might as well take the rest of the day off!

Inferno

Lem: [about Ronnie's skin graft] They took the skin from his ass! Ronnie: Left cheek and upper-thigh Shane: Oh, these jokes are just writing themselves.

Breakpoint

Vic: The law only allows us so much latitude. These guys have rights too. I'm a cop. I have to honor that. William: Well I'm not a cop. Vic: That's true. Just the father looking out for his son. [William runs across the street] You check this guy for a weapon? Shane: Yeah, patted him down. Vic: Good, this guy is just looking for his kid. So let's be ready. [watches William pound on the door and punch the guy inside] Oh, that's a felony in progress...

Dominoes Falling

Hey, let's remember where this Armenian money's coming from. Prostitution, drugs, robberies-- and the rest of this cash is just gonna finance more of the same. They didn't earn it, I don't feel bad about taking it.

Dominoes Falling

Vic: What were you thinking? Shane: Hey where I come from, when a guy's lady jams him up, his buddies go have a talk with her. Vic: Not in the middle of the night, Jethro.

Dominoes Falling

Lem: What the hell they talking about? Shane: Like I speak European Hick.

Playing Tight

If my tone sounds superior, it's because I'm American and you're Greek!

Playing Tight

[Looking at Van Bro's paintings] Where in the Bible does St. Schlong visit Our Lady of the D-cup?

Playing Tight

Lem: They killed these Armenians looking for our money train cash. Shane: This means they still think it was an inside job. Ronnie: What happens when they run out of feet and realize it was an outside job? Vic: There's only four people who know we took that money, and they're all sitting right here. Stick to the plan.

Blood and Water

Vic: I hope you got something for a headache. [Throws warrant in his face] Cause I'm it. Lem: It's a regular Rite-Aid in here Lonzo. Lonzo: My lawyer's gonna read dis warrant. If there is even an apostrophe missing... POOF! Vic: Why don't you roll the dice on a 20-year stretch, see how good we spellchecked. Or can get your ass on the phone with Garza, and tell him you got new shipments of Asian-Coke you're selling at deep discounts. POOF!

Blood and Water

Besides, we're still going to need somebody to mow our lawns after this race war is over.

Bottom Bitch

[fights with the hooker and puts a gun to her mouth.] Take it. [The hooker opens her mouth and "takes" the gun.] Don't worry about Smooth. He's my bitch. That makes you my bottom bitch. YOU GOT THAT?!

Bottom Bitch

Aceveda: He says it was entrapment. Trish: Did you see his bag? Bondage is more like it.

Bottom Bitch

This is a guy who raped a woman, didn't leave a single hair fiber. No. Not only have I been chasing the wrong guy, I caught him.

Bottom Bitch

Claudette: I talked to the hooker who got jumped. She's willing to build a case against her pimp. Vic: I talked to her too, she's a liar! Claudette: Then she should fit right in on your team!

Streaks And Tips

Dutch: I was trying something new. Trying a, you know, curveball to my fastball. Claudette: Don't tell me you played "bad cop." Dutch: Well, you weren't up there to stop me. Claudette: I know you could handle this. Dutch: Ninety percent of the time, yes. Ten percent, there's a connection. Well, it's like you... Claudette: Please, don't say, I complete you. Go up there and give it one more shot.

Mum

[to Aceveda] You ever suck a dick like a prison bitch?

Mum

Aceveda: What kinda contraband? Vic: Drugs, cig`s, cock-rings, weapons of mass destruction. Who knows what?

Posse Up

Oops! Next time I won't knock so hard. Put your clothes on, walk out the door and change your taste in men.

Posse Up

Trish: That one's a natural undercover cum guzzler. Shane: I heard that, bitch.

Posse Up

Shane: You got me on salami patrol? Why not one of these guys? Trish: Not gay enough.

Posse Up

Claudette: Trish will fill you in on operational details. Vic: Just for the record, I have no problem working with the decoy squad. But we don't work for them. Claudette: That's right... you work for me.

Posse Up

Me no speakee Ebonee, Shithead!

Safe

Aceveda: I went after a suspect today, and I kicked the shit out of him. The only thing that stopped me was... I started to piss my pants. I'm losing control of everything Rigoberto: Then take it back! Aceveda: [Starting to cry] I don't know how. Rigoberto: You're a captain. You command 200 men, hell you're gonna be the next city councilman. You have power, David. You have a gun and a badge. Now these were just a couple of punk assholes. Do you know who they are? Aceveda: I could find out. But even then... what? Rigoberto: If it was me... I'd kill 'em.

Safe

Vic: We're working late tomorrow night boys. You got any plans, change 'em. Ronnie: [Sarcastically] Uh, I got tickets to Journey! What's going on? Vic: We're getting the marked money list out of Aceveda's safe.

Cracking Ice

Lem: We're 7-G's short, just like Ronnie said. Vic: And the lock? Ronnie: Not a scratch. Lem: Besides, who's gonna steal seven-grand and leave a fortune behind? [Vic and Lem sit down] So which one of us did it?...Huh? Vic: None of us did it. Look this whole Tommy thing has got us all a little raw. Lem: Ronnie reported the money missing. Ronnie: Lem didn't even want to steal it in the first place. Lem: [about Shane] So when you gonna talk to him?

Cracking Ice

Dutch: You see something like that, you wonder if we all shouldn't just stay home and read the bible. Danny: Thanks, my partner already does that.

Cracking Ice

Clerk: May I help you? Vic: Just gotta get my cornrows tightened.

Slipknot

Tobar: Hey man, you hurt us, you hurt Kern. Vic: Kern's licking caviar off a Czech whore's nipple. He won't be too hurt.

Slipknot

[to Prophet Leader] Twizzy will be in county 'till his hearing. That'll give you a few weeks to get someone inside. Stop the pain. Anything after that, commit any sins, I'll be nailing you to a cross.

Slipknot

Aceveda: What is it? Vic: My men are on the wrong scumbag. Aceveda: How did you do that? Vic: You and Wyms have had me buried with bullshit over the last couple of months. I'm out of touch Aceveda: Oh what, so it's my fault? Vic: Oh I'll bring in the right guy. Aceveda: Good Vic: But I'm never gonna let this happen again. I'm no good half in half out. Now you gotta make a choice. You either let me do what I do, or I'll pull the plug on the Strike Team. Take my boys to another part of town.

What Power Is...

[to Juan] I know you're working stolen credit cards for your gang. And I know you're skimming profits off the top even though Elisa keeps telling you its gonna get you killed. I know about the headaches you get. I know about the uncle who molested you when you were twelve. I know about your cousin who's trying to get a scholarship to U.C. Irvine, I know which magazines you jerk off to that you think Elisa knows about, I know about your brother in Fresno, I know the inmate who tried to shank you twice at Terminal Island is Koren Hennessy Denton, and I know the number to call to clear up a bunk in his cell just for you.

What Power Is...

Vic: The dead guy watched me shove a bong down his buddy's windpipe. Shane: Twenty bucks says his buddy's one of the shooters. Lem: Come on, a Captain in the middle of the night, and he runs into them? That's a pretty big coincidence. Vic: Unless it's not a coincidence. (Body gets carried out) What if these are the guys Diagur sent to get the money out of the freezer? Lem: What, the ones you told him to send over? Shane: Well if it's true, then these are the assholes who kicked the shit out of Aceveda. Took his gun. Which means he was tracking them here when this thing went down. Lem: And he might track them right back to us and that marked cash. Vic: Let's not get premenstrual until we talk to Diagur.

Strays

William: Just tell me why I do it. Dutch: To dominate. To feel the... William: No! That's not right. Dutch: You exert power over... William: No! Dutch: You're compelled to. William: By what? Dutch: Organized sociopaths tend to... William: Is that who you think you were chasing this whole time? A type? Some answer on an exam? Who would you be chasing right now if you hadn't stumbled over my parking tickets? Dutch: But I did find your parking tickets. William: What happens if the next guy reads the street signs?

Strays

Lem: Dude, what was that back in the clubhouse? Shane: Just because we're on this team, doesn't mean we can't become a problem. If there's one thing Vic's good at, it's solving problems. Lem: Dude, Vic's never gonna kick you off the Team. Shane: Hey, if Vic ever thought that me and Mara were becoming a problem, you'd let me know wouldn't you?

Riceburner

Operator: Hello, you've reached the Police Department's main switchboard. Please listen carefully to the following options. To be connected to a supervisor, because one of our jackbooted thugs mistreated you, and you want his goddamn badge, press one. Ronnie: Cop I know sent it to me. Operator: If you committed a crime you think you can bullshit your way out of, press two. [Cops laugh] Ronnie: It's great, isn't it? Vic: If you shut up and let us listen. Operator: If you're shirtless and threatening your girlfriend with a knife, and don't want one of our officers interfering with "true love," press three. Danny: Priceless. Operator: To report an act of racial profiling, put down your crack pipe and press four. [group laughs] If you can't locate one of your seven unsupervised, fatherless children, press five.

Riceburner

Vic: Married huh? Shane: Yeah, yeah, I can hardly believe it myself. Vic: Well, I'm sorry I missed that. [pause] Look, you sure you know what you're doing? Shane: I know what I want. Vic: Just.... just don't make the same mistakes I made. And you'll be fine.

Riceburner

Choi: I discussed the situation with community leaders. If they chose to warn him there's nothing I can do. Vic: Oh, so they make the call for you instead! Aceveda: Hey, that's conspiracy. Choi: We don't want cops like him intruding into our lives! Aceveda: Just give us Kim Choi: I won't do that. [Vic tries to grab Choi] Aceveda: Then you'll get more cops, not less. [To Vic] Grab every unit you can, turn those shops upside down! I want every inch of Koreatown smothered! Vic: Like white on rice.

Fire In The Hole

Corrine: Matthew doesn't even think he did anything wrong. How am I supposed to reason with him? Vic: Somehow. Corrine: I can't spend every second with him. You...you, can't take him, what are we supposed to do? Put him in a home? Vic: You're serious? Corrine: [Pause] No.... I don't know. Vic: We are not gonna put him away. Corrine: I don't want to. Vic: Then don't bring it up again! Corrine: Megan has a shot at a normal life. Is this fair to her? Vic: Of course not. But that doesn't mean we commit our son! Corrine: I am doing everything I can! Vic': Well, then I'm going to have to step in.

Fire In The Hole

Vic: Hey, take a walk. Waylon: You take a walk. Vic: Waylon, what the hell are you doing here? You're going to tip these assholes off! Waylon: Me? Why don't you just paint 5-0 on the side of the van? Vic: You're sitting in the Spook Street crew? What for? Waylon: What do you care. You're compromising everyone. Trish is in the store, Annie's over there- Vic: You're stepping on our case! Waylon: We were here first! Vic: [drops a coin in Waylon's cup] Get lost! Waylon: You get lost! Vic: Aww, Jesus Christ!

All In

Shane: Show and tell, kids! Vic: Show us what you're doing, and we'll tell you why it's a crime!

All In

Vic: What are you doing!?! Lem: Keeping us safe! Shane: Put the goddamn money down Lem! Vic: This won't help us. Lem: Look, if there's no money to find, Aceveda and the Feds can't touch us! Shane: Lem, back off. [draws his gun] Back goddamn off right now! [Everyone holds still] Back off man, I mean it. Ronnie: Shane... Lem: Shane...put down the gun. Vic: SHANE! Shane: Please man, don't do this man. Please. Vic: It's gonna be alright. I promise. Ronnie: Come on man, I mean COME ON MAN! Lem: You guys, you guys are the only family I got, alright? I'm not gonna let any of us go to prison. Vic: That's a decision for the four of us to make, not just you. Lem: I've always gone along with everything you ever wanted, and all it's done is get us deeper and deeper into shit. Vic: STOP IT! Lem: Just let me finish this please.

All In

[Rolls open a carpet to find a bunch of heroin] Oh, I want the rest of the day off!

All In

Dutch: Vic knew the name of the bar that O'Brien says he found the marked money in. You and I were the only ones who saw the case file. Aceveda: You think Vic is involved? Dutch: Here's a guy who can overturn the Armenian mob in a week, but hasn't been able to find anything on the money train in three months? If he's that good, how does a multi-million dollar laundering ring get ripped off in his backyard without him knowing anything about it?

All In

[about public defenders] Having a thankless job is bad enough, getting shot for it is just insulting.

On Tilt

Lem: I got a bunch of receipts here. Vic: For what? Lem: Uh, for dry cleaning. Vic: What else? Lem: Uh, for thousands of dollars on these oriental rugs. Ronnie: You don't dry clean oriental rugs! Ronnie: My...my mom had some. She made me hand-clean 'em when I was a kid.

On Tilt

Mihalis: [on the phone] I'll be with you in a minute. Vic: [hangs up phone] You'll be with me now. Mihalis: What do you want? Vic: Your favorite frequent flyer, Margos Dezirian. [punches Mihalis in the nose] MARGOS! Mihalis: Oh my God, I don't know the man, I just leave him messages for him. Vic: Good. I'll dictate, you dial! (hands him the phone) You tell him that Goma called, sounded strange. He wanted a one way ticket to...where would someone go to hide from Margos? Mihalis: Hell? [Vic threatens to punch again] Venezuela. Vic: Good. You tell him, that Goma wanted the ticket delivered to him, at his house. Try not to sound too stuffy.

On Tilt

Aceveda: What's going on? Dutch: Some cowardly shitheads messed with her desk. Aceveda: I'll look into it. Claudette: Yeah, right! Aceveda: Excuse me? Claudette: Oh, don't tell me you're not a part of this, I just got carried out of Victorville. Aveceda: I spoke to Ben Horton's boss and the Chief. He wasn't too please to hear what you'd been doing. Claudette: You mean to tell me this entire house would rather me pack up and leave, rather than look into this? Aceveda: Chief and I did discuss this house... and who's gonna run it when I leave. He's decided to go another way. Bring in somebody else. Dutch: So now she's not getting the Captain's seat? You gotta be shitting me! Aceveda: It wasn't my choice, it was hers. She understands.

On Tilt

[Shoves gun in Armenian's face] You tried to get us killed you little prick. Alright. [Ronnie points gun at Armenian, Vic shuts the door, slams pen and pad of paper on table] Write. WRITE! L-I-F-E. New word. [shoves gun on forehead] NEW WORD! S-U-X. Ronnie, open that window. [Ronnie opens window, Vic puts note in Armenian's pocket] Looks like you're gonna die a bad speller.

The Cure

Vic: Antwon Mitchell. Antwon: Do I know you? Vic: I know your mugshot. Monica: I worked with Rich Nelson. Antwon: How's he doin'? Monica: Passed, three years ago. Cancer. Antwon: Damn, cancer's rough. But he was always talkin' about how he was gonna piss on my grave. Guess I gotta go grab a forty and pay my respects.

The Cure

Vic: I didn't get the Street Crime Detail I put in for. Aceveda: Well, I didn't know you were lookin' to transfer. Vic: Well, why did you write a four-page letter sabotaging it? I just got off the phone with someone who owes me a favor over there. You goddamn buried me with the selection committee. Aceveda: I apprised them of your qualifications. Vic: You stabbed me in the back! You didn't want me to find out about it until you ran out of here, right? Aceveda: I wouldn't pass you along to become someone else's problem. Vic: Who's been running your precious little garage sting? Aceveda: Oh, you mean that load of crap you sold me for a goddamn, nine minor busts? Yeah, I saw you tap-dancing on that one for a few weeks. So while you were out on the street strutting your stuff, I made Ronnie run through every bust you had working. And it didn't take long. Vic: So what is this? Payback? Aceveda: Consider it the bill coming due. You ran the Strike Team into the ground. To get you under contro

The Cure

Billings: Bathroom. Family of four drown one by one. Rawling: Damn. Vic: Welcome back to Farmington.

The Cure

Vic: Sir, I'm telling you... the kid had no choice. The dog was reaching. It was kill or be killed. Rawling: Oh come on, Roy. The dog had a piece, he was gonna use it.

Grave

Aceveda: Is that the kid you choked out with a bottle of mustard? Vic: Who ratted, the condiment weasel?

Grave

Vic: That kid's a novice. He was swallowing open jums of crack. I induced vomiting. Saved his goddamn life. We're still allowed to save lives right? Aceveda: I want a complete report. Vic: Sure, I'll have one for you day after tomorrow.... Oh that's right, you'll be gone. I'll mail one to ya!

Grave

Vic: Shit! Examiner: That a positive ID? Vic: How did he die? Examiner: Take your pick. Sclerosis, malnutrition, official cause was suffocation. Aspirated on his own vomit. Christ, this guy was the Assistant Police Chief? What happened? Vic: Take your pick.

Bang

[addressing a group of officers] Starting today, all drug and gang related homicides will go through Vic Mackey. I've posted a list of ten detectives and twenty uni's who will work directly under Vic. You'll be leading a task force designed to learn everything we can about the roughly fifty gangs who operate on our turf. Their membership, their businesses, chains of command. Federal asset forfeiture laws will now be enforced in Farmington. A drug dealer uses a car to distribute drugs, we're gonna seize that vehicle. A gang sells crack out of their back room, we're gonna take that home.

Bang

Vic: Assume the position, ladies. Hands on your head right now! Hands on your head! Vic: Ah, chilling's cool. Those teeth are a felony, though. [slaps Choppa's cheek] Vic: You plottin' retribution? Huh? Choppa: No, man. We got a circle jerk jumpin' off. Why don't you grab some vaseline and join in?

Bang

Rawling: Explain to me why taking this house was the right thing to do yesterday, and the wrong thing today. Vic: Yesterday we had to stop the shootings. Rawling: This house was bought with drug money. The mother knew it. Vic: You said it would be a P.R. nightmare. Rawling: Either it works or it doesn't. To make exceptions, to put a prettier face on it....sounds more like Aceveda than me. [Rawling walks out of the home and signs paperwork] Take it.

Doghouse

Rawling: You've cost this city tens of thousands of dollars in clean-up. Raga: Send me a bill. Rawling: We will, but you tell me who's planning this war with Poolboys, who's giving you these messages, I can make things better. [To Danny] Bring her something to eat while she thinks it over. Raga: Burger and fries. Danny: Settle a bet first. What's Raga stand for? Raga: Righteous Angel, Gorgeous Ass. Rawling: I don't admire the artwork, but I gotta admire the confidence.

Doghouse

Dutch: So, you're going under with Slick, right? Claudette: Do me a favor, get somebody else. Dutch: It's our case... Claudette: Well, I'd rather not. Dutch: Well, that's great. That's fantastic. [Claudette starts to walk away] Hey! Hey, don't you walk away from me! Not after I've had your back every day, for the past six months. [Dutch walks over to her] Look. This is our way to get back into the rotation, okay? They'll never buy me in this one, it has to be you.

Doghouse

Suvato: We'll check it out. Vic: Good, look for flowers, he poses as a delivery guy to get into the house. Suvato: Right, homes. Vic: Someone sees him, I want a call. Suvato: Hey! Aren't you gonna swear us in? Vic: Blessed is he who delivers this asshole onto me.

Doghouse

[After beating up Halpern] You know what? Tell Antwon there's a new scoop law. [Pointing to Halpern] Come pick up his dog shit.

Tar Baby

Dutch: I'm busy. And stop treating me like a suspect. Claudette: You had a chat with Beth Encardi? If we carried the Webster case, maybe they'd let us out of the doghouse? Something along those lines. Dutch: Fine. I confess. At least now we're getting confessions from other people too. Real criminals, killers. Claudette: What are the errands that you have us running for the DA? Dutch: Nothing. One of us needed to manifest this. Claudette: You went behind my back? Dutch: After being ignored head on for six months, you bet I did! Claudette: But, it wasn't your deal to make. Dutch: You're the best partner I ever had, I hung in with you, waiting for you to see this through, instead you just dug yourself in further. I wasn't going to sit on my hands, and watch you wreck your career and mine along with it. I got dinged pretty good in this too you know- Claudette: But this was my fight. Dutch: And you lost. So I threw in the towel with the DA and I'd do it again. And if you wanna be pissed at

Tar Baby

[To Aceveda] Hey, press conference hasn't started yet. You still got time to figure out how to take credit for all this!

Tar Baby

Rawling: Councilman. Getting me up there under the pretext of soliciting public support and then undermining me. Huh. Thanks for the crash-course in sandbagging. Aceveda: I came willing to be convinced, I wasn't. Rawling: Congratulations. You pushed half that crowd into Antwon Mitchell's hands. Rawling: Don't you have enough to do on city council? Or is this some power-trip of doing my job as well? Rawling: Well... I guess we need to figure out how to get along now.

Tar Baby

[to Shane, after shooting Angie with Shane's and Army's guns] Her body shows up, with bullets in it from your two gats? And your card in her burnt pocket? ...One time, DOIN' time, for a long, LONG time. ...From now on, when I say suck my dick, you ask 'you want me to lick your balls too daddy?'

Insurgents

Rawling: If you can't withstand scrutiny about anything--I need you to step aside. Vic: I don't step aside. I step up.

Insurgents

Vic: Dutchboy. Hero of the hour. Dutch: Your daughter was sick, she wanted her mother. Vic: You can't take a joke, so you make me look like a prick in front of my ex? Dutch: I'm sure your ex doesn't need any help from me seeing what kind of a prick you are.

Insurgents

Dutch: You know, I thought I hated being on the DA's shit-list, but this is actually worse. I...I can't believe you're still freezing me out. Claudette: I can't believe you sold me out.

Insurgents

Rawling: We do the bust for you, get the heroin off the street. You get closer to Antwon Mitchell, and your agent's cover isn't busted. DEA Captain: You're making a lot of assumptions. Rawling: The DEA's set up on a One-Niner bar, One-Niners are front and center on the tar trade. I'm a local, not a moron.

Hurt

Dutch: [referring to Rawling] What's she doing? Claudette: Standing on her soapbox. Dutch: She, uh, have her own or did you let her borrow yours?

Hurt

Don't make this personal. You were the red-headed step-child when I arrived here. I put my ass on the line to give you a second chance when nobody else would. I gave you power, I gave you respect. So keep your mouth shut before you lose both! I know this is hard, but I need you to look at the bigger picture.

Hurt

Rawling: I also looked into the crime stats. The numbers are up because you manipulated yours to make things look better. I'm getting punished because I reported mine accurately. Aceveda: Sounds to me like now's a good time to start formulating an exit strategy for the seizure policy. Rawling: The only person who can take me off this is the Chief and not without one hell of a fight from me. Rawling: That's what all this is about, Mackey? Rawling: He's working. I stand by my choice. Rawling: Help from you? Sure. Orders? No.

Cut Throat

Shane: Hey, thanks for coming. Look, ah...I'm in some serious shit. [Vic points his gun at him] Hey, hey, what the hell you doing? What the hell's the matter with you?! Vic: Bugged your car. It's you or me...right? I guess it's you. Shane: No, no, no no, I, I'm I'm explaining, Vic, pl-please, listen to me. Goddamnit, listen to me. Look, Antwon killed Angie right in front of me and Army. He did it with our guns it...it's what I came to talk to you about. Vic: Thought you had nothing to do with Antwon. Shane: It's nothing that we haven't done before. Look, he's squeezing us. He says the body will turn up if, if, if I don't... But, I would never do that. Never! You know that! Look, I was just bluffing him to buy time. We took a run at Halpern, he showed us where Angie's body was, but we can't get to it just the two of us. Army's gun went off... Look, Halpern's still alive. But once Antwon finds out, I'm dead. I got Mara and Jackson out of town, but I'm....look I'm in trouble man. I don't

Cut Throat

[to Halpern] You tell Antwon, I'm done with his shit! All of it! He tries to come after us, my family, or Vic...I'll walk up to him and I'll put a bullet in his head. You got that? YOU GOT THAT?!

Cut Throat

Vic: Police! Antwon, get your ass out here! Antwon: [walks out, and sees the damage] You better have a warrant. Vic: Warrant? I just saw your door busted wide open, wanted to make sure you're okay. (Sarcastically) You okay? The One-Niners started a campaign against police informants. Antwon: I'm done with this. Vic: You think you can just go after anyone. You think you're indestructible? Antwon: I don't know what you're spinning. Vic: [throws crowbar down] If you've given the word, that some informant or some citizen or some cop gets hurt...you're gonna be spitting teeth! Antwon: I'm going back to bed. Vic: Make sure you get that door fixed. Anyone could just walk right in.

String Theory

Roger: May I see a badge number? [Dutch shows him his, he fake writes it down on the table without a pencil.] Claudette: Did you see the officers come out of the building? Roger: I'm going to need one of those, [Pointing to the badge] before I can be debriefed in the category. Claudette: Civilians don't have badges. Roger: When I get my badge, all things will be made known. Peace officer to peace officer.

String Theory

Rawling: [about two missing officers] Anything? Danny: Canvassed the whole area, there's nothing. Rawling: Ohh shit. Julien: Went knocking, half the people weren't answering their door, the other half were sleeping. Rawling: Let me use your radio. [Danny hands her the radio] Staff, Nine-Tango, I'm Code 6 on Alexandria Circle. Be advised, we have two officers unaccounted for, requesting Attack Alert. All watches will be held over. Operator: Copy that. Julien: We should notify the families.

Back In The Hole

[to Antwon] You wanna talk about indiscretions? Secrets from the dark? How about when you were a kid? Thirteen, fourteen, fat, not very popular. Burying your head under the covers to drown out the screams of your sister; your six year old baby sister who your Daddy raped, night after night and you do anything to stop could you? Too much of a coward to stand up to your old man; but not your Mama. She emptied two loads of buckshot into his gut. So. Daddy's dead, little sister's in the psych ward and your Mama,..is doing life in Chino all because you were too much of a coward to come out from under the covers. But, oh boy, are you making up for it now. Oh yeah, you're street tough, you're a gangster, full of cop-killing rage. But you're still too much of a coward to even save your own son. [Antwon makes an audible sign of distress] Cuff him.

Back In The Hole

Shane: Here you got it all, don't ya'? You got money. You got power. RESPECT! Antwon: The hillbilly's been listenin' to my speeches. Shane: It's too bad about your son, though. Tell you what, if my boy turned out to be a fag, I don't know what I would do. [Pauses] They say you're born that way. You doin' his mother out the ass when you knocked her up? Antwon: One time, doin' time, for a long time. Shane: That poor little kid. He's gonna be found face down, in the shower, with a back full of shiv and an ass full of cum. Word hits the street, what's that gonna make you look like, huh? I mean, your people don't cop with the homo vibe. Antwon: My people... ain't your worry. Shane: Yeah? But you know with all that money, all that power, at the end of the day, you're still just a nigger! With a faggot nigger son! And where's the respect in that?! HUH? Where's the respect in that?! Antwon: [Sits down and puts the cuffs back on.] Now... what were you sayin' about my nigger faggot son?

A Thousand Deaths

Man: Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife? Shane: No. Shane: Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

A Thousand Deaths

[to Halpern] White smoke comin' out of Antwon's cell, man. Means he's anointing [someone] as his new pope of dope.

Judas Priest

[to Aceveda] You're not a cop. You never were.

Ain't That A Shame

[about Juan] Someone in county went Mr. Universe on his skull.

Ain't That A Shame

[to suspect] Nice job Windtalker. If the Germans had you in World War II we could've stopped that thing before it started.

Extraction

Shane: I like my women tiny. Tina: So your dick fits better?

Extraction

Claudette: [about Tina] She’s way too young for you. Dutch: I am mature and distinguished. A lot of young women appreciate that. Claudette: You really oughta cut back on the porn.

Extraction

Why is it that the guy with the conscience always gets caught holding the bag? And we don't ever want that guy, do we? We want the guy that put him into motion.

Extraction

I’ll walk out the front door on my own before I’ll let someone push me out the back!

Enemy of Good

So we close a triple murder before breakfast, start a race war before dinner. That's a pretty good day.

Enemy of Good

Vic: Still no Lem? Shane: Left a second message. He's probably knee-deep in a booty call. Ronnie: Hope he's gettin' the cop discount. Shane: Yeah, I hear yours charges by the minute. Ronnie: Hey, I get mine for free. Vic: Must be seeing a charity worker.

Enemy of Good

Kavanaugh: We've both been through enough of these. So I can be straight with you. Yeah? Lem: Sure Kavanaugh: Every guilty suspect that you've ever interviewed started with... Denial. Right? Lem: So did the innocent ones.

Enemy of Good

Vic: Ah. You must be Doomsday. Doomsday: Who are you? Vic: I'm Armageddon. Say hello to the hounds of hell. Shane: Ruff.

Jailbait

Vic: I feel like there's some unfinished business between us. Lem: What's that? Vic: It's this Terry thing. You thought I was hiding something from you. Here's the truth... I swept through that house. I cleared that bathroom. At least I thought I did. Somehow Two-Time got past me. I left Terry exposed... I made a mistake. I never told anybody. I thought it was my fault. That's something I've been living with for a long time now. Finally, I decided to move on. Something you're gonna have to push past too. Lem: Yeah. Vic: Okay. [Lem looks Vic in the eye and shakes his hand]

Jailbait

Dutch: I can't have other colleagues as friends? Claudette: Marshall has quite a reputation as a man's man, if you know what I mean. Dutch: He's...he's gay? Claudette: While you were reading faces, he was reading your package...have fun, though.

Jailbait

Shane: No, it can't be that easy. Vic: He's an ex-con from Mexico, it damn well could be. Lem: Jackpot.

Tapa Boca

Lem: I must've ate something this morning. Third time I gotta shit today. Vic: Be sure to inform us of number four.

Tapa Boca

Ronnie: You tell Leon he's in the clear? Shane: Yeah, freak tried to hug me. Vic: But you insisted on the blowjob.

Tapa Boca

Julien: He threw a bottle at the car, cracked the windshield... Tina: Then he asked if he could smell my sweet spot. Vic: Even Shane stopped using that line...

Tapa Boca

Becca: I’ve seen these things go down. Everyone eventually needs to look out for themselves. Vic: You don’t understand. We’re not the typical lowlifes that you represent. We’re a family. We’re surviving this together, or we go down together.

Tapa Boca

Corrine: Some IAD guy’s been coming to the kids’ school. Trying to get me to say things about him. Dutch: IAD’s into Vic? I wonder what they’ve got on him. I mean, probably take your pick.

Trophy

Corrine: You be gentle. His sister just died. Vic: I'm oozing gentle.

Trophy

Billings: Hey, be careful with that! It's a sophisticated piece of machinery! Delivery Man: It's a vending machine. You put money in, shit comes out. Billings: It's a gourmet quick mealer, asshole!

Trophy

Popovich: Who says there is never police around when we need them, hmm? Vic: Who says that? Kavanaugh: [listening via planted bug] Yeah, who says?

Trophy

Vic: There's someone I want you to meet. Shane: Who? [Turns around and sees Becca talking on her phone] She's that lawyer chick right? Vic: Yeah. Shane: You hitting that? Vic: No, I hired that.

Rap Payback

Better check your color, honky.

Rap Payback

Shane: Payback's a bitch. Vic: Yeah, and karma's a whore.

Rap Payback

Aceveda: I’m Chairman of the Police Committee. This is a fight you don’t want. Kavanaugh: I didn’t want any of it. But I’m here… and I’m staying.

Man Inside

[to Kavanaugh] Why don't you tickle your balls on your own time?

Kavanaugh

Kavanaugh: There are rules. Sadie: Then break one. Kavanaugh: What I do is stop cops from breaking the rules. I can’t stop them if I can’t stop myself. Sadie: Then try bending one just once. Kavanaugh: I’m an Internal Affairs Lieutenant. That’s, that's who I am.

Kavanaugh

[about Billings] No wonder these guys get away with murder, the Captain's more concerned with the sandwich machine than he is with personnel.

Kavanaugh

Kavanaugh: I never authorized the use of a wire. Vic: Well I know how much you love them. Figured I'd try one for a change.

Kavanaugh

Kavanaugh: How do I know you even have s--t on these guys? Antwon: Shane Vendrell. I could bury this banjo playing asshole. Bitch likes to talk… the walk, but if you put a boot on his throat, his eyes tear up like a little bitch. And bitches, they give up their buddies. That’s what makes them bitches!

Kavanaugh

[to Kavanaugh] The price is simple. I help you put away these four fine young men, you make sure you put them away right here.

Smoked

Aceveda: But I’m hardly in the same category as you and your guys. Vic: Really? You think if Kavanaugh is successful, I’m going to go down quietly? [laughs] I will scorch the earth covering this whole department, starting with you! I can tie you to every bullshit thing that Kavanaugh’s accusing me of, and then some! Your stink will smell in every voting booth in the city! On the other hand… you want that little nameplate on your desk to read “Mayor” someday? We work together!

Smoked

Corrine: What did I do to deserve this? Kavanaugh: You married the wrong man, Corrine.

Smoked

[to Dutch] Well, seein’ as you and Claudette’s wonder twin powers aren’t fully activated yet, I’ll do you a favor. Pick up the slack on this one.

Of Mice and Lem

And Mackey skates clean? This guy... this guy is just pissing... just pissing all over us, and we just smile and lick it up? Vic Mackey kills cops! He... he deals drugs! He beats suspects! You know what he did yesterday? He... he screwed my ex-wife with the sole purpose of making this investigation seem like a personal vendetta. He may have assassinated a gang leader. And that's just all in one day. I wonder what he's going to do today. I wonder what he's going to do tomorrow. This guy... this guy is just pissing... he's pissing all over us. He's pissing on you. What does it taste like? Chief, what does it taste like, 'cause you know what, it tastes like piss to me!

Of Mice and Lem

Kavanaugh: Seen this guy? Sadie: Yeah, he came through Kavanaugh: Are you OK? Sadie: Why do you care? Kavanaugh: Did he hurt you? Sadie: You're the only one who ever hurts me, John... That's not gonna happen again. Kavanaugh: I just.. Can you just.. Tell me what he did, just tell me what happened. Just, what'd he do? Sadie: What did he do? Well, he made me cum. That's what he did.

Of Mice and Lem

Kavanaugh: Pretty soon there is gonna be a lonely room filled with empty lockers, huh? Lem: You and me are the only ones on the way out. I just cut a deal with the D.A. Kavanaugh: What deal’s that? Lem: Why don’t you ask the Chief? It’s sitting on his desk waiting for his signature. Vic: He’ll be out on parole before the blood rushes back to your face.

Of Mice and Lem

[to Kavanaugh] Let me remind you of a few things you seem to have forgotten. I didn't kill Terry. You've lost your leverage with Lem. And your ex-wife's pussy...tastes like sweet butter.

Of Mice and Lem

Claudette: [after being named captain] I need your support. I've got my work cut out for me. Dutch: You'll do fine. Whoever sits up there has to have an active mistrust of everyone and everything in this place. I can't imagine anyone better suited to the job.

Post Partum

[after killing Lem with a grenade] I'm sorry...I'm sorry, buddy...I'm so sorry, buddy...Lem! Lem, I'm sorry! But I had to, right? But you know I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, man...buddy...oh God...

Post Partum

[when they realize that Lem is dead] Are you happy now, Detective Mackey?

Post Partum

Claudette: Track down whatever you can find. Run everything by me. And Vic, that renegade s--t’s not gonna fly on my watch, but you already knew that. Shane: It looks like a new Sheriff just limped into town.

Post Partum

[to Claudette] The only reason I was hanging around here was because we were partners, and now that’s gone. I’d just like to move on.

Post Partum

[final line of the season] We're gonna find out who did this...and we're gonna kill 'im.

On the Jones

Axl: Anyone ever tell you that you have incredibly expressive eyes? You ever been on film? Claudette: Ever been in a mug book?

On the Jones

Kavanaugh: What are you doing here? Vic: You got Emolia to lie for you. Kavanaugh: Now you know the difference between a lie and a truth? Vic: You think I'm a cop killer. Maybe I am. You're a cop, right? Kavanaugh: That sounds like a direct threat on my life, Detective. You know what that means? Vic: It means you just stepped onto an entirely new playing field. And for your sake, I hope you know the rules of the game.

Baptism by Fire

Kavanaugh: Truth is, it isn’t your time yet. But the universe will take out its trash. It always does. Vic: Looks like it already has.

Baptism by Fire

Vic: You've been a very busy boy. Planting evidence. Coercing witnesses. Assaulting my ex-wife. Kavanaugh: I learned from the master.

Baptism by Fire

Walter Chatton was a contemporary of Occam; disputed the razor. Coined his own anti-razor. Chatton believed that the world was too complex; there are too many variables to assume the simplest answer was always the correct one.

Baptism by Fire

Gang member: You got no bullets, cerdo. All that smoke make you forget? Vic: I got one in the chamber, dickhead. Your homeys were too stoned to notice. One of you shoots me, my muscle twitch takes out your bad boy here. So, either you and I are gonna leave this basement together, or we're gonna leave this life together. You decide.

Baptism by Fire

[to Claudette] At least I have Mackey out of my life. He's not my problem anymore. He's yours.

Back to One

Shane: You know, maybe he didn't do it, man. Vic Mackey: If it wasn't Guardo, who was it? Shane: Look at him, man. If he had a name, do you think he would have told us by now? Ronnie: That just means he was acting alone. Shane: Come on. This is crazy, man. Vic: [yelling] He killed Lem! Do you remember his body, his face? Do you think you can just forget that? Huh? Don't you think he deserves to die for what he did? Guardo: I didn't do it, I swear. He's got the wrong guy. Shane: Yeah... I know.

Back to One

Guardo: Money. I give you money. Make you rich. What do you want? Shane: Peace.

Back to One

Billings: I like Ronnie. He's quiet. There's something there. Wouldn't mind doing a little Strike Team time myself. Fall into the shit, get the blood moving. Dutch: Yeah. It's too bad you get those headaches. Billings: You know, you're very sarcastic. I forgot to list that one.

The New Guy

I love the smell of underage sexual assault in the morning. [Dutch and Claudette give him a look] I didn't mean that the way it came out.

The New Guy

Dutch: What about Tina, she out sick? Claudette: No. She transferred out. Billings: Finally make your move? Scare Hanlon and her bikini briefs out the door?

The New Guy

Hiatt: My guess is you wanted to get out. In which case, you're not a bad guy. But I'm looking at you now, man, with your locked jaw, your pissed off stare. Ray: And I'm a black man, and you're a cop. Hiatt: So picture me with a puppy. Give you that warm, fuzzy feeling.

The New Guy

Dutch: [referring to Tina] Helping her improve her skills had nothing to do with any interest in her. Billings: Right. Dutch: She happens to have talent, even if others don't see it yet. Billings: Face it. You took advantage of her vulnerability just like our mystery psycho. Except your drug of choice was power and the false hope of career advancement. Dutch: Th--, uh, that's ridiculous. Billings: You have a reputation, Holland. Chasing unies, Mackey's ex. Wives of murder victims. I think a profiler would call that a pattern of shitting where you eat.

The New Guy

Moses: Mackey's lackeys. Everybody's almost done, but I got a minute. And who's this? Hiatt: Detective Hiatt. But you can call me Detective Hiatt.

Haunts

With a body count like this, the Aztecs and Mayans are squabbling about more than who invented the burrito.

Chasing Ghosts

Julien: We shouldn't be playing God. Vic: God creates all men equal. Once they get out of the womb, he starts playing favorites.

Chasing Ghosts

[to Vic] And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is my final encore. Making the great Vic Mackey think I'm everyone and everywhere. Responsible for all the worst crimes against humanity. It's sad, really. You know, chasing ghosts haven't done you any favors. I didn't off your boy. Wished I did, and so do you. 'Cause if you're coming after me for this, that means you lost your last clue. Good seeing you, though.

Chasing Ghosts

Aceveda: What's the latest with the Martin murder? Vic: Getting to a dark place. Aceveda: Meaning? Vic: The daughter was a heroin addicted whore. Paid for her drugs with pussy and mouth favors. Other than that, she was Pippi Longstocking.

Chasing Ghosts

Shane: Hey, there, Gentlemen. Hiatt: Well, someone had a good night. Shane: Pregnancy sex is the best kind. Give you something to look forward to. Hiatt: Thanks. I'll give Mara a call.

Chasing Ghosts

Shane: Hey. Want to wait for Ronnie or what? Vic: No. We can get started. Shane: Okay. Vic: Read the report. Shane: Yeah? What did it say? Vic: Nothing new. No prints, no forensics. Vic: Not careful enough to escape us. Shane: No, not that. Vic: [long pause] Guardo didn't kill Lem. I tortured him, shot him, burned his body, and he didn't kill Lem. Vic: Yeah, I know. But Guardo didn't do it. The Salvadorans, they wanted to stay off our radar. They didn't even kill Emolia when they found out she snitched. Shane: Well, maybe some Salvadoran rogue banger. Vic: What? Who killed Lem with a grenade, left no trace and disappeared like a ghost? I don't think so. It wasn't One-Niners looking for Antwon revenge. Made a fool of myself up at the Lompoc finding that one out. [long pause] So I asked Ronnie to check if you logged all the grenades that night at the bust. You counted 73 at the house and there are 73 sitting there in the bomb squad evidence locker right now. Which means... you pocketed a

Exiled

Mara: [referring to Shane] He doesn't do anything without you knowing about it. Don't dick me around here. Vic: I'm not -- that's his job.

Exiled

[to Vic] Now, anything happens to me or my wife or my son... even my mailman, anybody that I am close to, this lands on IAD's doorstep. Just imagine every wrong, brutal thing we have ever done. It's hard to do, isn't it? We've done so many.

Exiled

Vic: Come on Santi, don't you Byz Lat assholes know you gotta get along with these psychos? Either that or get a grenade shoved up your ass. Santi: Ain't nothing up my ass except you. Vic: Yeah? How am I feeling?

Exiled

Billings: You know, Dutch, I could teach you a few things about women, if you want. Dutch: Why don't you write them down, and I can read them at my leisure.

The Math of the Wrath

Shane: I need you to try and remember what these guys look like. Albina: How long is this going to take? I got a golden shower client this afternoon, big tipper. I got to start drinking iced tea to get it the way he likes. Shane: I'll be right back with the mug books and a Snapple.

The Math of the Wrath

Diro Kesakhian: Please, this is a holy place Shane: Jesus can kiss my ass.

Recoil

[to Shane] We don't need you dragging us into yet another Vendrell shitpile special.

Recoil

Now, you can come on your own, or I can drag you through your friend's blood.

Recoil

Rezian: My people won't let you get away with this. Shane: You don't have people. Kesakhian junior's in charge now, so your crew ain't happening. So if you keep causing trouble, she'll suffocate you on your own gonads.

Recoil

Vic: You're not even gonna give me a fair shot? Claudette: You threw away your fair shot by taking so many crooked ones.

Recoil

Shane: So do I need to watch my back? Ronnie: Do I?

Coefficient of Drag

Dutch: You were, uh, tried and acquitted for the crime. Emilio: And you can't arrest me now 'cause I'm protected by final jeopardy.

Coefficient of Drag

Billings: I'll be back, all right--putting in my required hours, mandatory paper work. But as far as effort goes, I don't know what's between zero and the city mandate minimum, but from now on, let's call that the Billings. Claudette: Can't we just call it business as usual?

Coefficient of Drag

Shane: Are you okay? Mara: What was that? Shane: [hears Jackson crying] Hold on. Hey, buddy, everything's fine. Look, I'm sorry. Mara: A wash cloth in my mouth? Shane: Vic would never do anything to hurt us. Mara: He tied me up, and beat the shit out of you. Oh, what is that, the good-neighbor policy?

Coefficient of Drag

Billings: Oh, here it is. Dutch: [reads Billings's note] "Lorena Francisco. All right, great rack?" Well, this sounds like your notes. Billings: She said she was with Hector the night of the murder, and I do recall she had great tits.

Coefficient of Drag

Danny: Hey, Dutch. Do you have a minute? Dutch: Um, let me go first. What happened last night--we were both vulnerable, and a little lonely. One time thing between good friends. No reason for us to get all uncomfortable. Danny: There's a guy here, says he killed his wife. Dutch: Oh, uh, okay. Well, I better--I better get on that. Wouldn't want him to kill anybody else's wife.

Snitch

Asst. Chief Phillips: We've already notified Homeland Security. They'll be taking over from here. Vic: So while the men from U.N.C.L.E. are cruising down Alvarado looking for Osama, I'll be sweatin' some good, old-fashioned, trash-talking American dipshit!

Snitch

Vic: The Feds are gonna be here in a minute. Once they get here, I can't help you. Jamal: Oh, white people get shot, and it's a federal case now? Vic: Oh, we're way past black and white. Your boys used the Al-Qaeda card, which means you got a rainbow coalition of law enforcement shitting multicultural bricks.

Snitch

Dutch: Brass have to be pleased to get these killer kids off the street. Claudette: No, no, they're too busy trying to plot how to hang me out to dry for being a racist. Deflect attention from their Al-Qaeda thing not panning out. Dutch: So, uh, you're a racist now? How's that working out for you?

Snitch

Dutch: Young woman got her head bashed in. You're not disturbed by the apathy? Billings: Why don't you take a look around you? We've been standing in the hot sun for how long now, and we are right where we started. So if you got some magic beans in your Detective bag of tricks that'll make these people give a shit, why don't you start planting them?

Snitch

Claudette: Gang crime's up 14% citywide this year. Vic: While Farmington's numbers are down. I guess I can't be everywhere.

Money Shot

Vic: [Ronnie enters clubhouse and Vic sees Ronnie's dog bite injury] Bite looks bad, how's the bark? Ronnie: [sighs] Oh I just got my balls chewed off because we went in too quick and undermanned. Vic: Look man I'm sorry. I had no choice. Ronnie: We all had choices once, and we made them... and now we gotta live with them. Vic: Ronnie, we're gonna get out of this quicksand. Ronnie: No we're not. Jesus Vic everything we do to get out of this shit just drags us down deeper. And hanging with Shane is gonna push our heads under. Vic: We need Shane right now. Ronnie: I'm sick of walking around half the day smiling at a guy who put a grenade in Lem's lap. Vic: Hey, you know what's at stake here for me. Ronnie: I do, yeah. But I'm not gonna drown for Shane... or you.

Money Shot

Axl: [discussing his porn films with Ronnie, Claudette, & Julien; to Julien] You know, if you ever get tired of squashing people's civil rights, I can make you some real money. Julien: So far this is working out but, if something changes, I'll let you know.

Genocide

[to Dutch] One thing I've learned from that sack of conspiracy theories you call a head, the Wagenbach freak meter points to red--you listen.

Genocide

Vic: I would have loved to dealt the blow myself. Asshole never did pay me back for the favor he owes me. Ronnie: He would have known your voice in a second. Vic: Now he's gonna know my foot up his ass.

Genocide

Dutch: He stood there and watched somebody die like it was nothing. There's speculation Bundy's first murders were committed in his early teens. They gain reinforcement the more crimes they get away with. Gain power, their methods improve. Billings: Wait a minute. I buy the setup theory. But you're saying this kid's a serial killer? Dutch: They all pop their cherry somewhere.

Genocide

[to Claudette] I am not walking into the belly of the Armenian beast with one of your day laborers as my date.

Genocide

Dutch: A profile--male, highly intelligent, unstable family, piss-poor student, abandoned by his father. Billings: The Mom's got a big old Dutch-boy crush. Obviously a couple of genetic screws loose.

Game Face

Vic: That's why we're gonna make it look like a robbery by a rival gang. Choreograph it so the girl escapes. Julian: No disrespect, but the only set you guys can claim is "Aryan Nation".

Game Face

I can arrest you for scratching your tiny little nuggets.

Animal Control

Shane: God damn. Smells like dog's ass in here. You boys get to swipe on some deodorant? Rezian: 'Til my people stop getting slaughtered, I'll be interested in survival, not luxury.

Animal Control

[to Shane] You lied to me! And then your ass used Lem to cover it up so you wouldn't get in trouble. And I'm guessing it wasn't the first time that you had these guys cover your ass. What's wrong? Oh. Oh, yeah. Ain't got nobody here to get your back. But now I know who you really are. And so do you.

Animal Control

Tina: You guys want him when we're through? Dutch: Steve? Billings: I'm a little busy here. Any naked girls show up, though, you give me a holler?

Animal Control

Vic: We got to pull Shane out of there, man. Ronnie: What? Vic: I can't do this. Ronnie: Vic, it's done. It's all set up. We're never gonna get another chance this clean, you know it. Vic: I don't care! It's not too late. We still have a choice. Ronnie: Do you think that Shane gave Lem a choice? Vic: I'm not Shane.

Animal Control

[to Mara] Vic and Ronnie tried to kill me tonight. Yeah, they set me up. It's sheer luck I'm even alive right now. And, you know, the worst part is ... they think I'm too stupid to even realize it.

Bitches Brew

Shane: What is it with you and whores? Vic: Just tryin' to keep 'em from tempting you.

Bitches Brew

PBA Rep: Detective Mackey, we're not done. In spite of this ruling, the final determination is up to the chief. Go to your captain, get her to put in a good word. Vic: I see you're a married man. Is your wife pretty? PBA Rep: Beautiful. Vic: Would you mind if I take her to Vegas for a dirty weekend? Ride her ass hard and put her away wet? PBA Rep: What? Vic: Now that's 'bout the level of cooperation I can expect from my captain, on anything.

Parricide

Corrine: Did you really do all those things? Vic: I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have done, for reasons that made sense at the time, but they're pretty hard to defend right now. What do you want me to say, that I'm different? I don't want to go to prison. Do you want me to go to prison? Corrine: Do either of you even feel any shame? Vic: I don't think about it. Corrine: Well, that's honest. Sad thing is, I've known--maybe not the specifics, the details--but I've known, and I have let you infect me and our children. I'll help you this one last time... and then the kids and I are out of your life! That is my price. And you have to pay some kind of price.

Parricide

Claudette: Mackey! You do not interfere with this case. Vic: Seeing as how I'm not a cop anymore, you really don't have the jurisdiction over what I do, Captain. Claudette: You rogue out on this, you do anything sideways like you did with Lemansky... and I'll lock up your corrupt ass faster than you can say, "how'd I lose this job?" Vic: If this is what's left of it, I don't want it.

Parricide

Vic: You think I'm wired? Pezuela: We're more involved now. Rules of engagement change. Vic: Midnight texts, chaperones, engagement... sounds like we're becoming an item.

Parricide

Vic: Oh, Brothers all about his thick. Better go easy on that juice, D. Your brains turn into hot sauce, shrinks the balls to raisins. Oh... sorry, I'm too late. Damon: My brain's fine-tuned, and them balls are the size of cat heads.

Parricide

Capuchina: You try talking to white Farrah? Shane: She's so spun out on crank, she doesn't know whether to piss standing up or sitting down.

Moving Day

David: This is still my campaign. Pezuela: Mr. Mayor, the dick is up your ass. And I am the one who decides when it comes out.

Petty Cash

Vic: The edge is where we live, all of us, all the time. People trying to convince themselves otherwise is just an exercise in self-deception. Beltran: Philosopher? Vic: Former cop. Same deal, less horseshit.

Possible Kill Screen

Vic: During a raid on a drug dealer named Two-Time... I... shot and killed Detective Terry Crowley. Olivia: Y-you— you killed a police officer? Vic: I planned it, and I carried it out. I shot him once just below the eye. Our Strike Team was committing criminal acts on a regular basis. At first it was just taking drugs from busts, turning it around, and selling it for profit. We were able to do this by making partnerships with local drug dealers and gangs, you know, that we knew we could leverage. Olivia: You son of a bitch. Vic: I killed Crowley to protect me and my guys. I shot him with Two-Time's gun to divert suspicion, but Aceveda knew. So did Kavanaugh—the I.A.D. Investigator who was after us. They just couldn't prove it. I was too good. Olivia: Is that it? Vic: [about the recorder] How much memory does that thing got?

Possible Kill Screen

Vic: I want my deal, but I need a favor. It's not for Ronnie. It's for my ex-wife. I got her into some trouble. She was trying to protect me today, and she did something that might be construed as aiding and abetting. Olivia: Might be construed?

Possible Kill Screen

Claudette: I'm Captain Claudette Wyms. I'm looking for Vic Mackey. Chaffee: You found the bastard, but I guess now he's our bastard.

Family Meeting

Vic: Mackey Shane: How you enjoying your freedom? Vic: Breathing deep, breathing easy. Shane: Yeah, not for long. You're about to get on your horse and ride to our rescue. Vic: Let me check my schedule there, Shane. Oh, sorry, I'm booked through next weekend. Shane: Do you think I'm joking, shithead? I'm in a jam, which means we're both in a jam. Vic: Not anymore. I cut those strings, baby. You and Annie Oakley are officially on your own. Shane: Bullshit. Vic: Well, if it were bullshit, I'd be pulling your ass out of yet another Vendrell bear trap. You chew your own goddamn leg off from now on. Shane: I don't think you're listening to me. I need something from you. Vic: [Pulling up on a driveway] And you're not listening to me, Shane. Ronnie and I work for I.C.E. now. Yeah, I cut the deal last night. Full immunity for everything all of us ever did. I even used your little black book with all our dirty deeds as a guide. You forgot a few things. You know that? Shane: [shocked] Bullshit.

Family Meeting

[ in the Barn's interrogation room.] You heard about Shane. What he did to his pregnant wife, his young son. He wrote a note. [reading] "I guess enough painkillers can make even the worst kind of hurt go away. The thing you need to know is that Mara was innocent, and Jackson was innocent. They didn't know what they were drinking, and their last moments together were happy ones. They left the way I first found them, perfect and innocent. They were innocent; they're in heaven now, and we'll always be a family. [Pauses] The guilty ones are me and Vic. Vic led, but I kept following. I don't think one's worse than the other, but we made each other into something worse than our individual selves. I wish I'd never met him. I see it all now, there's no apologies I can make, no explanations I can give. I was who I was, and I can't be that person anymore. I can't let myself..." We think this is where he was when we came in, because it stops there. All those busts...all those confessions you got

Family Meeting

Dutch: Ronald Everett Gardocki, you are under arrest. Ronnie: For what? Dutch: The last three years!

Family Meeting

Ronnie: You told them... all of it? Vic: Ronnie... Ronnie: You made a deal for yourself and you're sending me to prison? Vic: I'm sorry, my family... I... I thought Corrine... Ronnie: You're goddamned sorry? Vic: I didn't think I had a choice... Ronnie: What about my goddamned choice, Vic? Where's my goddamn choice? I was going to run! We were going to run together! God damn it! What about the team? What about protecting the goddamn team, Vic?

Family Meeting

[to Vic] You can go now.