Quotes

...As The Day Is Long [5.26]

Diane: Where's my patient? Jess: Bay Four. Alex: And mine? Jess: Bay Four. Alex: Are our patients in bed together?

In At The Deep End [6.35]

Unless Tom Campbell-Gore is wearing my skirt and heels, I'm in charge here. Have you any idea what it took to save your life today? Three surgeons, two anaesthetists, not to mention the nurses, porters, theatre staff. It probably cost about £35,000 to put you back on your feet. And I ruined a perfectly good shirt.

It's Kinda Rock 'n' Roll [7.27]

Lisa: Her husband's just been made chairman of the board. Donna: Husband? I thought they just plugged her into the mains at the end of each day.

Rat Race [7.37]

Evolved somewhere under the elevated section of the M25, apparently...

Great Expectations [7.48]

Zubin: [reading from sheet] "Please speak the following healing affirmations into the patient's ear in a calm, relaxing voice." Hello, Monica. I am Two Trees Blowing In The Wind, your anaesthetist. Ric: It doesn't say that. Zubin: Your operation has gone well. When you wake, you will be comfortable and you will urinate easily. Ric: It does say that. Zubin: She's done her research. You will be hungry for - insert appropriate dietary requirements - and your body is now ready to complete the chain of healing. "Repeat the statement three times." Oh, I forgot a bit. And, Monica, when you wake up you will also believe that you're a giant talking rabbit. Ric: Professor Khan! Zubin: [throwing away sheet of affirmations in disgust] Well, it either works or it doesn't.

Prometheus Unbound [8.09]

Ric: Dean, I think I might have found a new rotation for you. Dean: What department? Ric: Telephony.

Roots [8.16]

Peter Holland: Connie's one of the best in the country. Kim Holland: But not the best. Connie: Well, who knows? They don't run cardiothoracic competitions!

Roots [8.16]

[to Elliot] You know, one day hospitals might be run by people who actually understand how they work

Abracadabra [8.33]

Abra: This is Reg, our leech wrangler. Reg: Eh, have a look at this little beauty. Grace: I'm not letting that slimy thing anywhere near me. Abra: I thought Reg was a bit of a looker, myself.

Abracadabra [8.33]

Grace: Where's my friend? Abra: Lewis? I heard you sent him packing. Grace: I did. Abra: Ah! You thought he might stick around anyway. Grace: [unconvincingly] No. Abra: You girls - you never say what you want, and you never want what you say.

Invasion [8.34]

I'm your new Diane!

Invasion [8.34]

Abra: You're a fine surgeon, Mr Jordan. But you have the charm of a salt-encrusted slug. Nick: I'll take that as a compliment. Abra: I knew you would.

Extreme Measures [8.37]

Kyla: You haven't got a twelve year old to look after twenty-four seven. Donna: No, I'm not that stupid, am I?

Extreme Measures [8.37]

Nick: Philip's got the hots for you. Connie: You noticed that, did you? Nick: He was like a puppy with a toilet roll. Connie: When I want something... Nick: ...You're like a rottweiler with a crowbar!

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Lost [8.45]

[to Paul Rose] I don't think Mr Strachan's methods of getting his own way have changed since he was six.

Just Another Day [8.48]

Abra: Okay, so, this surgeon goes into a pub with a slab of tarmac under his arm, and says “Beer please, and one for the road.” …’Cause he’s got a bit of road. Abra: So…a Consultant, a Registrar, an SHO and a Scotsman go into a pub. And the barman says - Kyla: - What is this, some kinda joke? Abra: Ta da. Well that’s it, you’ve heard both my jokes now… So you’ll have to tell me one. Kyla: Um. Well there was this surgeon, and there was this nurse. Abra: And the surgeon, he’s, um, bit of an idiot, tells really bad jokes? Kyla: They are pretty bad, yeah. Abra: But the nurse… is really beautiful? Kyla: I dunno about that. Abra: Oh, I think so. What's the punch line? Kyla: There isn’t one… Yet.

Fly Me To The Moon [9.3]

Joseph: I'm dying for a bacon butty. Elliot: You? A bacon butty? Joseph: Yes, I do take the silver spoon out of my mouth once in a while to enjoy a good fry up.

Sins of the Father [9.4]

Diane: Did you know anything about this? Abra: Mid-life crisis. Diane: Huh! He usually gets married. Abra: Well, this is probably cheaper!

It's Been A Long Day [9.7]

Abra: I did an operation I shouldn’t have. I destroyed the notes…now I need to find some notes so that Clifford thinks everything was above board. Kyla: What? Abra: If I’m caught that’s me finished, no two ways about it, I’ll be struck off. Sued, jailed… probably a stint in the stocks as well. Kyla: You killed someone? Abra: Apparently worse. You know Pete Golding, we admitted this morning? Kyla: Mm. Abra: I gave him a pig’s kidney. To, ah, keep him alive and off dialysis. Kyla: You did what? Abra: You wanted to know. Kyla: Are you insane? A pig’s kidney? A pig’s kidney, that’s - Abra: - I had no alternative. Kyla: How about not giving him a pig’s kidney?

Face Value [9.15]

Maddy: I just love men with muscles and a six-pack. Donna: I just love men, me. Maddy: That's what I meant really. I just pretend to be discerning.

Face Value [9.15]

There are five things I admire in a doctor. Colaboration, courage, skill, integrity and an hour glass figure. Four out of five's not bad!

Face Value [9.15]

Diane: Really really really wanna zig-a-zig… ahhhh. Dan: Now that's what I call girl power!

What Lies Beneath [9.23]

Dan: The last person I saw standing like that was Julian Clary. Maddy: He’s not gay! Dan: Has he made a pass at you? Maddy: No. Dan: I rest my case. Maddy: You are such an ass sometimes. Dan: Fifty quid says he is. Maddy: Done. Dan: Okay, now you’ve got to prove it. Maddy: He’s not gay, I know he’s not! Dan: You’ve slept with him you tart! I wanna see pictures of this. Maddy: Of course I haven't. Dan: Oh don’t be so offended, you Sam Strachan girl you. Maddy: What if I got a third female party to verify he’d made a pass at them? Would that do? Dan: Okay, but I still wanna see pictures!

Bedlam [9.24]

Sam: Come on Faye, dish the dirt… Faye: What about? Sam: Squeaky clean Joseph Byrne being beaten with rubber hoses as we speak!

Paranoid Android [9.26]

Connie: I don't know how you work in this shoebox. Ric: It's not so bad. Connie: Really? By whose standards? Ric: Well, you see, we leave our egos at the door - that way, there's more room.

For Whom The Bell Tolls [9.27]

Dan: You two ever thought about mud wrestling? Diane: Why is it she thinks she's got Lord Byrne wrapped around her little finger? Dan: They're having wild sex when we're not looking. Diane: Actually, they were getting on terribly well after the tele-surgery at the hotel. Dan: No, he's 70 odd. I think a spell to put lead back in pencils is beyond even Miss Naylor. Diane: Oh, I dunno, she's such a witch. Dan: You think Lord Byrne would stoop that low? Diane: Maybe not. Dan: Listen, ah, Friday morning, I, ah, got a golf tournament, you couldn't cover me could you? Diane: What's my reward? Dan: Wild. Unlimited. Sex. Diane: [Shakes her head.] Dan: With me, not with Lord Byrne. Diane: Still no.

Deep Dark Truthful Mirror [9.29]

Judi Marsh: I keep seeing dead people. Donna: Is that people you know or just general dead people?

Deep Dark Truthful Mirror [9.29]

Sam: You're here to observe, Mrs Beauchamp, until Mr Hope arrives. Connie: Ridiculous rule! My pregnancy wasn't a problem yesterday. Today I'm deemed unfit! Greene: But you can't get close enough to the patient in your condition, Mrs Beauchamp. The Trust is thinking of you and Dr. Griffin. Connie: A large stomach doesn't seem to hamper Mr. Hope!

Something's Gotta Give [9.36]

Mark: You never know what's round the corner. Donna: Yeah, like a whacking great train.

Something's Gotta Give [9.36]

Abra: What d'you suppose it is? Donna: It's obvious, isn't it? It's an escargot. Sutherland: The artist calls it "The Circle of Life". Made entirely of recycled materials. Appropriate, don't you think? Sutherland: Come now, Doctor Griffin. It's well documented that art plays a crucial role in keeping patients calmer and more relaxed. Lola: If I'd have known that, I'd have given out easels instead of drugs. Donna: Still looks like a bloody snail to me. Lola: I don't know about you, but I'd never trust a man who deals in scrap metal.

Past Imperfect [9.38]

William Chase: I aren't going in a private ambulance! Connie: Think of it as a taxi with a defibrillator.

The Q Word [9.41]

Abra: The punter… or do you prefer client? Jayne: I prefer patient.

The Q Word [9.41]

Apparently my ulcer also disapproves of divorce.

The Q Word [9.41]

Oh my God…this place is never dull.

The Q Word [9.41]

[referring to Lord Byrne and his heart] Too much rumpy not enough pumpy.

The Q Word [9.41]

Dan: One point to us Joseph Byrne: There’s the rupture there and there Dan: Oh...two points to God. [fixes hole] …The equalizer.

Bad Reputation [9.43]

We're honoured to have one of Ric's ex-wives here today - the lovely Lola - and I have a text from the others saying "Sorry we're late. Both minibuses broken down on the M4!"

Bad Reputation [9.43]

Dan: So, Miss Naylor, have you checked out the patient's status? Jac: Sorry? Dan: As your next potential conquest. Jac: Hilarious. Dan: He's just about the age for you, isn't he? He's worth a bob or two, by all accounts. Jac: Blah, blah, blah. Paul: It's a bit of a come-down from the landed gentry. Jac: Zip it, mini-me! Dan: So what time's the funeral? Jac: I wouldn't know. Dan: Are you persona non grata? Jac: I'm glad you find the death of an eminent surgeon the source of such endless amusement. Dan: [to Paul Rose] She really is an ice-queen, isn't she Rosie? Paul: Positively arctic.

Bad Reputation [9.43]

Joseph: No-one's ever wanted you, have they Jac, and no-one ever will. Jac: Your dad did. Joseph: That wasn't exactly what he wanted from you. Jac: And what about you? You wanted me. Joseph: Right up until I looked into that cold dead heart. Jac: And yet as he lay there dying, thinking about me and what he'd be missing, rather than his dried-up old stiff of a wife or his spineless son, where were you? Holding his hand? Offering a last few words of comfort? Or locking horns with yours truly, trying to put a dent in my cold dead heart. And that's what really gets you, isn't it? You've got to carry that round for the rest of your days. If it was your father, we both know he'd shrug it off and move on. But not you - not the nail-scrubbing little worry-wart. You'll never shake the feeling that even on his death-bed, you were one big let-down.

Damned If You Do [9.43]

Jac: Don't mess with me! Joseph: But it's such fun. Joseph: Will that be all? Jac: Now we're even.

Damned If You Do [9.43]

Jac: The last few weeks have been rather trying for me. Dan: They have been very interesting for the rest of us.

Old Wounds [9.45]

[to Robbie] You translate what I say. Translate this. This is Mr. Clifford. Mr. Clifford is a General Surgeon. As we all were before graduating to the specialism of Cardiothoracics.

Friends Reunited [9.47]

Connie: Are you disputing my diagnosis Mr Strachan? Sam: Of course not. Connie: Because in my humble, professional opinion, that's a dead body.

Friends Reunited [9.47]

Relative 1: You mean she's dead? Faye: We had to move the body but you can see her when you're ready. Relative 1: Yes Relative 2: Don't. Relative 1: Yes...Yes... Relative 2: Stop it! Relative 1: Oh come on Lorna, don't pretend you aren't relieved. Relative 2: Not here. Relative 1: Why not? What's she gonna do? The old bat has finally pegged it. YES! Relative 2: [To Faye and Sam] You must think we're evil... Relative 1: Well I don't know about you, but I'm cracking open the champagne. Relative 1: Sorry... Sam: No...uh...it's OK. Relative 1: Ding dong the witch is dead! Relative 1: Darren!...shhh... Faye: Somehow I don't think they'll be pushing for a malpractice suit!

Complications Ensue [10.19]

Connie: You are very much on probation. I will be watching you. Jac: I'll do whatever it takes. Connie: Yes, that's what I'm afraid of.

On a Mission [10.20]

Kevin: Will it annoy you if I pray for you? Jac: Yep! Kevin: I might do it anyway, then. Jac: I'll do some extra sinning to cancel it out.

12 Hour Nightmare [10.24]

Connie: You should have treated this conservatively with blood and antibiotics. Michael: Well I beg to disagree. Connie: Begging may be your only option - if he dies. Michael: He's not going to, now, is he? Connie: I'm sorry. Where does this arrogance come from? Michael: My ability - just like your arrogance, Connie. Connie: No! No! I'm not arrogant, Mr Spence. I am profoundly gifted. Michael: And hugely modest!

TKO [10.32]

Sam: So, you've knocked Faye up you dirty old dog. Joseph: What? No no...it's a patient. Sam: Come off it Joey boy. Joseph: Alright it's Faye.

TKO [10.32]

It's a kid not the antichrist.

Love You [10.36]

From now on I own you. Now give.

Love You [10.36]

Jac: How much? How much did you give her Joseph? Joseph: Five thousand. I made it out to cash. Jac: You gave him a cheque? You idiot. Joseph: What?

Doctors Dilemma [10.37]

Faye: What if our presence upsets her? Joseph: Why did you tamper with the brakes?

Doctors Dilemma [10.37]

Ric: You get into bed with Connie Beauchamp, you pay the price. Look at Sam. Michael: Yeah but you and me ain't as dumb as Sam. Look all I'm saying is lets just do this one op with her, I'm not getting naked with her. Donna: Who's getting naked with who? Ric: Donna, we're changing. Donna: I'm a nurse. Look, Sam, I need to find Mr Byrne urgently. Sam: Have you tried Darwin...where he works? Michael: Can we do anything to help? Donna: No, you guys are my butlers, he said he'd be my auctioneer only now he's vanished. Sam: I...don't think I agreed to be your butler. Ric: I definitely didn't. Donna: Well you guys got the email right? Michael: What did I forget to RSVP?

Doctors Dilemma [10.37]

Joseph: Mr Drummond...acute chest pain...how long's this been going on for? Mr Drummond: Not sure. Joseph: You don't know how long you've been in pain?

Doctors Dilemma [10.37]

Elliot: Have you ever thought of getting married again, Connie? Connie: Me? Get married? Yes, of course - I'm just waiting for the right billionaire cum Nobel laureate.

Doctors Dilemma [10.37]

Great. Now I'm going to burn in hell And feel depressed.

New Lands, New Beginnings [10.38]

Paul: If he does start rambling on about waking up during the operation, just tell him it's a common experience. Daisha: He woke up!? Paul: Well, reflex actions. Daisha: But he actually woke up!? Paul: Alright, keep it under your hat. Daisha: Who the hell was the anaethatist?! Paul: Me. It was a reflex action! Daisha: Mr Rose what's wrong with your eyebrows?

New Lands, New Beginnings [10.38]

I'm sure Faye will be alright, she's a bit like a cat. Multiple lives.

New Lands, New Beginnings [10.38]

Joseph: Terrible drivers in Capetown. Linden: I'll drive on the way back, you nearly killed us three times. Joseph: None of those were my fault. Linden: Jumping a red light is kind of your fault.

New Lands, New Beginnings [10.38]

Faye made me watch a film the other night, I'm not sure if you've heard of it. Die Hard.

New Lands, New Beginnings [10.38]

Linden: She married a gay guy? Joseph: Perhaps she didn't know at the time. Linden: Perhaps he didn't know.

Change of Heart [10.39]

Jac: We were close, once. Joseph: Please don't remind me.

Change of Heart [10.39]

If there is no other hypothetical surgeon available I suppose I will hypothetically operate.

Change of Heart [10.39]

Jac: I've had plently of time to lie here and think about myself. About myself as a grade A bitch. Joseph: That would be grade A scheming bitch.

Change of Heart [10.39]

Mark: You don't want friends do you? You don't even really want colleagues, you'd be happy spending the day with a bunch of robots. Linden: It'd suit me fine. No talk. No mistakes.

Change of Heart [10.39]

Jac: How much trouble am I in? Joeseph: No trouble at all. Jac: Elliot. Elliot: He's right. Jac: Tell me the truth. Joeseph: No, the truth is you're going to be fine. Elliot: So shut up and let me concentrate. Jac: Some bedside manner.

Hope, Faith and Charity [10.46]

Donna: You've got nothing to worry about. He might look like a Womble, but he's the best there is. He's healed more people than... Fergus McKellar: Jesus? Donna: He's a close second.

Hope, Faith and Charity [10.46]

Fergus McKellar: What is it they say about books and their covers? Donna: If it looks as dull as crap, then it probably is.

Hope, Faith and Charity [10.46]

Ric: You're not saying that Mr. Spence has found God? Connie: No, Mr. Spence thinks he is God!

To Govern a Kingdom [10.47]

Joseph: No, I have no interest in hiring your establishment, with or without a bouncy castle. Jac: Lighten up, Joseph. I'm sure it's not the first time you've enjoyed yourself on top of an inflatable.

To Govern a Kingdom [10.47]

[comparing Joseph and Faye] You are a stately home in the country and she is a motel off the M4.

Separate Lives [10.49]

Lola: So you were faking it... Ric: ...And you were faking it. And fortunately Jayne Grayson was convinced enough to reach for her cheque book. Lola: You could have told me. Ric: No, it had to be the real deal. Lola: "Plausible deniability", eh? Ric: Something like that. Lola: I really thought you'd sold out. Ric: Lola, there must have been half-a-dozen times over the past twenty years when I would happily have seen you subjected to cruel and inhumane animal experimentation. Lola: The feeling has been mutual. Ric: But there comes a time when you realise that the things you have in common far outweigh the things that divide you. And that has to count for something. I couldn't let you get shafted by Jayne Grayson.

Lazarus [11.1]

Michael: You know, when I was a kid, my mother got me this game - Operation. You heard of it? Greene: Yes, we have it in the Third World, too.

Or I'll Never Fall in Love [11.2]

[voiceover] Please don't think me a coward. I know I should do this face-to-face, but I don't think that would help either of us. What I realised today is I can't take you away from Jayne and Christian - you need each other. Especially now. And I can't take them away from you, either. Watching you all together, I saw how much they mean to you. Your life is with them, John - it always has been. We just let our situation get out of hand. We broke our own rule. It was just meant to be snatched moments. That's what we were both looking for. We were not looking for involvement. We were not looking for commitment. We were just looking for a distraction from life. We don't even know each other, otherwise today would never have happened. Thankfully we can get out of this without causing anyone else pain. And that's how it started: no names, no knowledge, no future, no pain - just moments. I can't say I wish it had never happened. I just maybe wish circumstances had been different. Look after y

This Be the Verse [11.9]

Linden: As you are probably aware, VNS is usually a treatment used for epileptics. Davina: And by the sound of this, an expensive one. Linden: Well we have to try *something*. Connie: Yeah, but something *so* experimental... Linden: VNS implants work by exerting control over intractable epileptics. Now in principle why shouldn't they control Mrs Taylor's seizures in the same fashion? Connie: That's fine - I understand how it works, but you could impede blood flow to the brain. Davina: Not to mention cash flow to the ITU.

A Clean Slate [11.13]

Joseph: Are you crying? Jac: [unconvincingly] No. Joseph: Yes you are. Jac: Why d'you always want to see me cry? Joseph: To see how far robotics has progressed.

A Clean Slate [11.13]

Still a bit OCDC, Joe?

A Clean Slate [11.13]

Joseph: You're taking Mr Frisby up to theatre? Jac: No, we're going for a Chinese and then we're off clubbing.

A Clean Slate [11.13]

Joseph: It's not going to work, Jac - I'm wise to your emotional manipulation. Jac: Lucky I'm great in bed then, isn't it?

Locked Away [11.24]

Marianne: I spent last autumn working in Nepal. Jac: Believe it or not, now is not the time for photos. Marianne: Ah, stay with me it will make sense. Climber’s Field Hospital. Joseph: Ah, so you climb. Marianne: Ah, some. With Nick. Anyway, the point is there was a husband and wife team from Dehli running the place. Orthopods. Absolutely solid in theatre. Knew each other inside out. Jac: And? Marrianne: Watching you guys reminded me a little.

Locked Away [11.24]

Greene: Thought you were on Kellar? Donna: I am, but I’m on a break, so I’ve got nothing better to do. Greene: Bit of drama? Are you drawn to it? Or is it a recce so you can go and report back to the other nurses? Donna: What is it with you? I come here, I try and be friendly. I show a bit of concern... Greene: Right, well, if you’re looking for sympathy you’ve come to the wrong place. Donna: No, I was just looking out for you.

Locked Away [11.24]

He’s about to get up and leave!

Locked Away [11.24]

Jac: Do you remember Madame Butterfly? Joseph: Is it my entire life that’s going to flash before my eyes, or just the edited highlights? Jac: I hated it, you know that? Opera. I really bloody hated it. Joseph: You should have just said. Jac: Well, uncharacteristically I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. We hadn’t been together very long. Your hands were shaking… you don’t remember, do you? Joseph: I remember. Jac: Men never remember detail; just the carnal event. And even the memory of that is just twisted by their gigantic egos… Joseph: I remember. Jac: Go on, then. Joseph: You had your hair up. Never seen it like that, before or since. You wore a dark green velvet dress, with a shawl, a silver shell necklace – and a beautiful broad smile. You couldn’t stop smiling; you looked like someone else. No, actually, you looked like you. Like you should look. It stays in my mind, you know. Just locked away.

Mirror, Mirror [11.30]

Faye: Joseph, I was thinking. White roses with some gypsophilia. Jac: [butts in with a sigh] Clearly there's something in the air. Faye: No need to be such a cynic. Jac: What the world needs now is love sweet love. [Jac reads from a leaflet about choosing wedding flowers] You know, I just don't know if white roses are appropriate, Faye. It says here that they symbolise innocence and purity - that might be a little misleading. Oh wait, no, I missed a bit. It says they also symbolise silence and secrecy, so...

Proceed with Caution [11.34]

I'd rather be up to my neck in sewage than be at that wedding.

Attachments [11.36]

Really, at your age, the fewer people that know the better.

Attachments [11.36]

Elliot: I've been thinking... Connie: Oh don't do that. It might trigger a midlife crisis. And let's face it, you should have done that at 40.

Body Language [11.39]

Greene: I don't think I've congratulated you on your most inspired pitch to the Board. Connie: Well I'm glad you could catch it. Greene: Of course my strategy is based on showing individual Board members who I really am - the man behind the surgical mask. In fact my brother-in-law was a friend of the Vice Chairman. He plays golf and he's setting up a game for us. Connie: Ah, so that's what they mean by your bunker mentality. Greene: [laughs] Say what you like, Connie. At least I'm not prepared to tread on my colleagues to get to the top. And Mr Hope. Oh dear! Of all people. That's like smacking a puppy on the head with a croquet mallet. Connie: Go to hell, Keith. Greene: [gleefully] Oh yes. You are starting to feel the heat.

And That's What Really Hurts [12.8]

Michael: I did not know you were into food, Miss Naylor. Jac: You assumed I ran on batteries?

Together Alone [12.20]

I want her on her bloody hands and knees for what she did to me... I want her head on a platter!

Enemies Closer [12.26]

Jac: It's a foot! I think you'll find her hernia and bowel operation a little further up. Sacha: You've been to medical school, haven't you? You kept that quiet. Jac: Why don't you carry on trying to work out one end of your patient from the other and I'll deal with the rest of the ward. Sacha: Oh, thanks. [He looks at the patient's foot.] I'd say that was swollen. Jac: I'd say it needs a good wash. Sacha: Would you say that was swollen? Nicky Van Barr: Maybe. Any blood in the sputum? Sacha: No. Jac: It's customary here for the doctors to do the diagnosing. Although I'm sure you've already asked for your mother's opinion.

Enemies Closer [12.26]

Jac: How long is Doctor Doughnut going to be with us? Ric: Sacha? You got a problem with his work? Jac: Yes - he doesn't seem to want to do any!

Enemies Closer [12.26]

Jac: [sarcastically] Oh, nice tie. It's an improvement - it matches. Sacha: Oh, thank you. Shop said it was called a Naylor - comes with or without bile.

Enemies Closer [12.26]

Peggy Seymour: Thief! Thief! Help! Call the police! Jac: [walking past] Probably the reaction most women would have if they found you in their bedroom.

X-Y Factor [12.29]

I don't know what's more shocking: the kidney or the fact that Jac was actually born, not just carved out of an iceberg.

Time and Tide - Part One [12.33]

Connie: It's never going to happen, is it? Mark Williams as CEO. What was he thinking? Elliot: Well I imagine he's... Connie: As consultant nurse you can't fault him. But you know what he's done: he's gone looking for his libido and found his ego instead. I don't know why he doesn't do what most middle-aged men do. Elliot: Oh, he's tried that. Bought a motorbike. Connie: No, no. I meant, go with a younger woman. Elliot: He's tried that too.

Skipping A Beat [12.46]

Joseph: Sleeping with the boss will capture the imagination of the hospital. Greg: Who’s saying I did? Joseph: These things come out. Chin up; could be worse. You could be about to spend the afternoon in mediation with your cheating wife, who no doubt will pull a sad face and tell the lawyers it’s all your fault. ‘Scuse me while I just go and burn myself alive.

"Crossing The Line" [13.28]

Ollie: I should have checked that she wasn’t pregnant. Freda: Yeah, you should have checked. Also, I should be nicer to my mother, and Sasha Levy should lose 10 pounds, and Michael Spence should stop dressing like a cheap pimp from Pechersk.

"Throw In The Towel" [14.25]

Michael: Good morning! Alex: Someone got out of bed on the right side. Michael: Ah well, yes, I tried something new today. Left side instead of right,and it has worked a treat so far: found my car keys immediately, there was no traffic on the road, AND there was no line for the coffee! Better than that, coffee actually tastes halfway decent. Try it! Alex: Hmmmmm. Michael: Hmmmm what hmmmm? Alex: Hmmmm, what do you want, hmmmm? Michael: Oh yes, I forgot that golden rule, never trust a man who brings you coffee. What do you mean, 'what do I want, hmmm'? I'm having a great day, wanted to spread the joy!

"Ribbons" [14.27]

Sahira: How can you eat tomato soup but hate tomatoes? Henrik: Well, a tomato pulverised is a tomato punished.

"From Here to Maternity" [14.41]

Tell me, is that an angry little midwife I hear?

"Blood Money" [14.51]

Nick Mooney: Is that Mr Hansen? Henrik: Yes speaking. Nick Mooney: Mr Henrik Hansen? Clinical Director? Fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons? And murderer? You’ve got blood on your hands, Hansen – and I’m gonna make you pay. Henrik: I see. Nick Mooney: I’m gonna kill you. Henrik: Well, so I gather from all your calls and emails. Nick Mooney: I’m coming for you. Henrik: Very good. Nick Mooney: Keep looking over your shoulder. Henrik: I most surely will. Bye now!

"Fault Lines" [15.9]

Mary Thorne: A sygmoidoscopy? Ric: Yeah, it’s where we put a camera- Mary Thorne: I know exactly what one is, you don’t think I got this far without having one? Ric: It’ll help me find the cause of the bleed. Mary Thorne: I’ll tell you the cause. I have a tumor the size of a puppy wedged in the middle of my giblets. That much I do know. Ric: If I can find the cause of the bleed, then I might be able to do something about it. Mary Thorne: I checked out of hospital, dodged hospice, hid away in a hotel suite, in order to avoid anything medical. You think I’m going to let you stick a scope up my sheriff’s badge? Jog on, Ric- what? What? What’s funny? Ric: I’d forgotten just how funny you are. Mary Thorne: And I'd forgotten what a stiff you are. Look: Whack me full of heavy duty morphine and stick me in a side ward. Please. Ric: Nope. Not until I’ve conducted a thorough examination of your bowel. Mary Thorne: God. You always were a silver-tongued bastard.

"Fault Lines" [15.9]

Lilah: Where are you going? Mary Thorne: I’m trying to make my way to the loo, if you must know. Lilah: Well you’d be better of waiting in bed- Mary Thorne: No- Lilah: I’ll get you a nurse and- Mary Thorne: No- Lilah: -a bedpan, and- Mary Thorne: I said no. Lilah: OK. You’re a feisty one, aren’t you? Mary Thorne: I’m about to have my bowel removed and a bag fitted. This may possibly be the last occasion I get to sit on a toilet and go out of the appropriate holes. I am not. Using. A bedpan.

"Push The Button Part One" [15.14]

Sean Dolan: Don’t think of it as an extension of you; think of it as a completely separate entity. Jac: I want you to know, this is making me feel exceptionally uncomfortable. Jac: Aligning my imminent behaviour with that of a serial killer. Jac: [wielding a sock puppet and putting on a silly voice] Hello, I’m Jacqueline and I like kickboxing and motorbikes and what do you like? Sean Dolan: [stares blankly for a beat and then dissolves into giggles] I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It was like watching a llama play the guitar! Jac: Shut up. Have your sock back!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Tara Lo: Darwin Central! All change! Ollie: Come on, put your back into it, woman - ONWARDS! Tara: Ooh, you're really heavy! You've put on weight, Ollie. Ollie: I am moderately underweight, I'm afraid... Tara: You're rotund. Ollie: ONWARDS!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Raymond Lo: There's a conference of statisticians at the hotel. Ollie: What are the chances? Raymond Lo: This was the joke I made!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Johnny Maconie: [Sees Tara has not put on her surgical gown] OI! Tara: No. Johnny: Come on, it's part of the costume. Tara: Don't want it. Johnny: Yeah, not so much an ask thing, more of a telling- Tara: Don't want it! Johnny: Put the gown on. Tara: You put the gown on!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Tara: What are they talking about? Johnny: At a guess - football? Tara: [swallowing her pre-op meds] Urgh, they're horrible. Johnny: You think they're horrible? Check out these bad boys! [holds up surgical socks] Tara: Urgh, you're joking! How'd I not know about them? Johnny: We don't mention them.

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Tara: [putting on her gown] Is my bum showing? Ollie: Splendidly! Tara: Ollie, I have to work with these people!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Ollie: Do you think even vaguely that airway care could be compromised by a combination of a common cold, mild asthma and Sufentanil? Henrik: Who's saying this? Ollie: Her mother; she pieced it together off the internet. Henrik: Oh, I went on the internet once; I discovered I had hepatitis and dengue fever. Ollie: Thank you.

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Jake: Are you even my dad, then? Malick: What? Jake: Or is that some kind of sick joke? Malick: Jake - what's going on? Jake: Oh look just forget it. Ask that stuck-up toffee-nosed doctor. Malick: That doesn't really narrow it down, Jake!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Ollie: [to Tara during surgery] How do you feel? Tara: Sick! Ollie: Well you won't be; they've given you an anti-emetic. Roxana: Hello. What's my name? Tara: Roxana. Roxana: And what's his name? Tara: Bumhead!

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Tara: [sedated] Am I being funny? Ollie: You're being very funny. Tara: So we agree, I am the funny one? Ollie: You're the funny one when you're on a massive dose of relaxants, yes. Tara: [laughing] I feel good! [singing] I feel good - derderderderderderder - I knew that I would - derderderderderderder - I feeeel good - derderderderderderder - I knew that I would - derderderderderderder - Surgical Team: [singing] So good - Tara: Er-er - Surgical Team: [singing] So good - Tara: Er - Surgical Team: [singing] I got you - bah bah bah bah baaaah... Ollie: Does this happen often?

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Roxana: Could you write something, please? Tara: Oh here we go - Saturday School! [Lin holds up pad with a Chinese character drawn on it] I don't know, I'm rusty. Lin Lo: You know this. [Tara looks confused] Roxana: It's fine; it's a lot to take in. Tara: I don't remember. Ollie: It's OK; don't panic. Tara: What's that smell? Ollie: What smell? Tara: Like - pencil? Strawberries... Ollie: [to Lin] Don't worry, this has happened before. Roxana: OK, possibly complex partial seizure. Can happen in the mapping procedure. Let's anaesthetize her please. Lin: She had a strawberry pencil - from my parents. Tara: [looking at the pad again] It says love! Love...

"Great Expectations" [15.27]

Malick: I am your Dad, J! Jake: How's that work, then? Malick: What, you really want me to go into details? Jake: No. Malick: Look - it happened... later, yeah? After I met your mum. Jake: How can you be sure, then? Malick: Because you're a difficult, stubborn lickle pickney, and it doesn't come from her, right?

"Mens Sana in Corpore Sano" [15.39]

Jac: What are you doing sneaking about? Ollie: I could ask you the same question. Jac: It's my office. Ollie: Why are you in the dark? Is that a muffin? Jac: My precious! Ollie: What's going on with you? You've been acting weird for weeks. Jac: At leas I'm not having a complete nervous breakdown. Ollie: Neither am I! [Jac gives him a look] Any more!

"Mens Sana in Corpore Sano" [15.39]

Elliott: Did you have any idea this was coming? Sharon Kozinsky: If I did I couldn't tell you. Elliott: But you had another session with him this morning. [She nods] And? Sharon Kozinsky: I sensed there was a crisis coming. Elliott: Crisis? And you were happy with that? Sharon Kozinsky: Can't spell 'catharsis' without 'crisis'. Elliott: [pauses] Hang on, there's another 'i' in- [She has gone]

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot [17.12]

Dominic: What was that? Arthur: What was what? Dominic: Whatever it was that you were hiding with all the subtlety of a baboon at a funeral.

Unidentified episodes

Joseph: Still spreading peace and love wherever you go I see. Jac: Was I talking to you?

Unidentified episodes

Jac: I bet you think it's really funny making me out to be an imbecile in front of Jayne Grayson. Donna: Oh I think you did that all by yourself. Jac: You set me up. Donna: Yeah? Well what about the mysterious disappearing CT scan, not to mention the dead battery in Mike's bleeper. Jac: Oh so it's Mike now. Donna: Yeah, he's a mate of mine. Do you know what they are? Jac: Very disappointed in you Donna(turns around and starts to walk off) Joseph: Ah Miss Naylor, and how was your day? Jac: Get stuffed.

Unidentified episodes

Medical student: Grovel Jac: It's not in my nature Medical student: It's good for the soul Jac: I don't have one

Unidentified episodes

You can either have me—Doctor Death—or no-one.

Unidentified episodes

Zubin: For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that? Helen Grant: Your point? Zubin: I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto! Ric: To Helen Grant. People management. Not really your forté, is it?

Unidentified episodes

Mark: The drinks are on me. Chrissie: Who do you think you are? The Milky Bar Kid?

Unidentified episodes

Connie: Do you get altitude sickness? Will: What? Connie: From your moral high ground.

Unidentified episodes

I'm 40. There's something I'm missing. Oh, yeah, a baby. Pass me the yellow pages.

Unidentified episodes

Will: We need to get through this as quickly as possible - every minute on the table is putting an extra strain on her heart. Mubbs: It's not something I can rush. If I deliver too much fluid or too quickly it may cause the placenta to detach. Will: It's Connie detaching my testicles that I'm concerned about.

Unidentified episodes

Mrs Beauchamp, I have to admit that you have the leadership skills of an eight-year-old with a Kalashnikov.

Unidentified episodes

Lola: As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel." Ric: [sarcastically] As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.

Unidentified episodes

Lola: As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy". Ric: Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?

Unidentified episodes

Mickie: [smirking] We've got some really good comments. Donna: "I never knew you could get free condoms here. Now I won't have to re-use my old ones." How gross is that?