Quotes

Dialogue

Carolyn: [To Jane walking to vehicle in the morning] Oh, Honey, are you trying to look unattractive? Jane: [In cynical voice] Yes. Carolyn: Congratulations, you've succeeded admirably!

Dialogue

Brad: [To Lester sitting looking forlorn and far away before his desk] I'm sure you can understand our need to cut corners around here. Lester: Oh, sure. Times are tight, and you gotta free up cash. Gotta spend money to make money. Right? Brad: Exactly. So... [Stands up, ready to usher Lester out] Lester: Like the time when Mr. Flournoy used the company MasterCard to pay for that hooker, and then she used the card numbers and stayed at the St. Regis for, what was it, like, three months? Brad: [Sits back down] That's unsubstantiated gossip! Lester: That's fifty thousand dollars! That's somebody's salary. That's somebody who's gonna get fired because Craig HAS TO PAY WOMEN TO FUCK HIM! Brad: Jesus, calm down! Nobody's getting fired yet. That's why we're having everyone write out a job description, mapping out in detail how they contribute. That way, management can assess who's valuable and-- Lester: Who's expendable. Brad: It's just business. Lester: I've been writing for this magazine f

Dialogue

Janes: [Eating at table with parents listening to Bali Ha'i] Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music? Carolyn: No. No, we don't. As soon as you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like. Lester: [Long pause] So Janie, how was school? Jane: [Suspiciously] It was okay. Lester: Just okay? Jane: No, Dad. It was spec... tac... ular. Lester: [Pause] Well, you want to know how things went at my job today? Now she looks at him as if he's lost his mind. They've hired this efficiency expert, this really friendly guy named Brad, how perfect is that? And he's basically there to make it seem like they're justified in firing somebody, because they couldn't just come right out and say that, could they? No, no, that would be too... honest. And so they've asked us-- [referring to Jane's mockingly indifferent face] you couldn't possibly care any less, could you? Jane: Well, what do you expect? You can't all of a sudden be my best

Dialogue

Lester Burnham: [Driving to a high school basketball game to watch Jane's dance team performance] Well what makes you so sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask us to come? Carolyn Burnham: Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her. But she's been practicing her steps for weeks. Lester Burnham: Well, I'll bet money she's going to resent it, and I'm missing the James Bond marathon on TNT. Carolyn Burnham: Lester, this is important. Now, I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane. Lester Burnham: "Growing?" She hates me. Carolyn Burnham: She's just willful. Lester Burnham: She hates you too.

Dialogue

Jane: [Sitting in vehicle outside residence] I'm sorry my dad was so weird tonight. Angela: It's okay. I'm used to guys drooling over me. It started when I was about twelve, I'd go out to dinner with my parents. Every Thursday night, Red Lobster. And every guy there would stare at me when I walked in. And I knew what they were thinking. Just like I knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked off. Jane: Vomit. Angela: No, I liked it. And I still like it. If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model. Which is great, because there's nothing worse in life than being ordinary. Jane: I really think it'll happen for you. Angela: Oh, I know. Because everything that was meant to happen, does. Eventually.

Dialogue

Colonel Frank Fitts: [Driving with Ricky, referring to neighbours Jim and Jim jogging by] How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face? How can they be so shameless? Ricky Fitts: That's the whole thing, Dad. They don't feel like it's anything to be ashamed of. Colonel Frank Fitts: [Glancing at Ricky sharply] Well, it is! Ricky Fitts: Yeah, you're right. Colonel Frank Fitts: Don't placate me like I'm your mother, boy. Ricky Fitts: [Sighs, then glances at father] Forgive me, sir, for speaking so bluntly but those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out. Colonel Frank Fitts: [Cautiously, after a long pause] Well, me too son. Yeah, me too.

Dialogue

Angela: And then he just pulled down his pants, you know, like say hello to Mr. Happy. Teenage girl #1: Gross. Angela: It wasn't gross. It was kind of cool. Teenage girl #2: So did you do it with him? Angela: Of course I did! He's a really well-known photographer. He shoots for Elle on like, a regular basis. It would've been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down. Teenage girl #1: You are a total prostitute. Angela: Hey, that's how things really are. You just don't know cause you're this pampered little suburban chick. Teenage girl #1: So are you! You've only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat, so stop acting like you're god damn Christy Turlington! [Makes a stop-telling-lies-and-grow-up face and then walks away with friend] Angela: [To the two teenage girls] Cunt! [To self] I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me! Jane Burnham: [Sees Ricky getting dropped off at school and points at him] Oh, my God! That's the pervert who filmed me last night! Angela Hayes

Dialogue

Jane: I'm sorry about my dad. Angela: Don't be. I think it's funny. Jane: Yeah, to you, he's just another guy who wants to jump your bones. But to me... he's just too embarrassing to live. Angela: Your mom's the one who's embarrassing. What a phony. [Jane glances at Angela irritated] Your dad's actually kind of cute. Jane: Shut up. [Scene of Lester in hallway eavesdropping] Angela: He is. If he just worked out a little, he'd be hot! Jane: Shut up! Angela: Oh, come on. Like you've never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear? I bet he's got a big dick! Jane: You are so grossing me out right now! Angela: If he built up his chest and arms, I would totally fuck him! [Jane covers her ears and nonsensically sings] Angela: [Laughs] I would! I would suck your dad's big fat dick, and then I would fuck him 'til his eyes rolled back in his head! What was that noise? Jane. I swear I heard something. [Lester darts down hall] Jane: Yeah, it was the sound of you being a huge disgusting pig. Angela: I

Dialogue

Lester: [Standing outside hotel in alleyway smoking with Rick] ...did you ever see that movie, where the body's walking around holding its own head? And then the head goes down on that babe? Rick: Re-Animator. [Door bangs open and Rick's boss steps out] Catering boss: Look. I'm not paying you to... [eyes Lester, suspiciously] ...do whatever it is you're doing out here. Rick: Fine. So don't pay me. Catering boss: Excuse me? Rick: I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now, leave me alone. Catering boss: Asshole. [Goes inside and Lester glances at Ricky, who shrugs] Lester: I think you just became my personal hero. [Pause] Doesn't that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that? Well, I guess when you're all of, what? Sixteen? Rick: Eighteen. [Pause] I just do these gigs as a cover. I have other sources of income. But my dad interferes less in my life when I pretend to be an upstanding young citizen with a respectable job. [Carolyn opens door] Carolyn: Lester? [Lester quickly hides

Dialogue

Carolyn: [Woken by Lester masturbating under sheets] What are you doing?! Lester: Nothing. Carolyn: You were masturbating! Lester: I was not. Carolyn: Yes you were! Lester: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster! Carolyn: That's disgusting! Lester: Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins. Carolyn: So do I. Lester: Really?! Well, I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it! Carolyn: [Jumps out of bed standing before Lester] Lester, I refuse to live like this! This is not a marriage! Lester Burnham: This hasn't been a marriage, for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what, I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department! Carolyn: Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here? Lester: I'm not? Well, t

Dialogue

Lester: So, Ricky, uh, I was thinking about the, uh... I was gonna... the movie we talked about... Ricky: Re-Animator. Lester: Yeah! Ricky: You want to borrow it? Okay, it's up in my room. Come on. [Lester waves at the Colonel following Ricky into house with the Colonel watching them with eyes going dark] Ricky: [Handing Lester a urine test cup] Can you hold this for a sec? Lester: Sure. Ricky: I don't think my dad would try to come in when somebody else is here, but you never know. [Pulls open bedside nightstand drawer and begins transferring clothes onto bed] Lester: What is this? Ricky: Urine. I have to take a drug test every six months to make sure I'm clean. Lester: Are you kidding? You just smoked with me last night. Ricky: It's not mine. One of my clients is a nurse in a pediatrician's office. I cut her a deal, she keeps me in clean piss. [Lester picks up a CD album] Lester: You like Pink Floyd? Ricky: I like a lot of music. Lester: Man, I haven't listened to this album in years

Dialogue

Brad: [Reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a [Lester lip syncs along] life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you obviously have no interest in saving yourself. Lester: Brad, for fourteen years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing. Brad: Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day. Lester: Well, just what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me? Considering the information I have about our Editorial Director buying pussy with company money - which, I think, would interest the I.R.S., since it technically constitutes fraud; and I'm sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might like to know about it as well. Not to mention... [grins] Craig's wife! Brad: What do you want? Lester: One ye

Dialogue

Ricky: [About a dead homeless woman he filmed] When you see something like that, it's like God is looking right at you, just for a second. And if you're careful, you can look right back. Jane: And what do you see? Ricky: Beauty.

Dialogue

Jane: [Sits down at dining room table] Sorry I'm late. Carolyn: No, that's quite all right, dear. Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. [To Lester] Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey? Lester: Jane, today I quit my job. [Carolyn dementedly laughs] And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus. Carolyn: [Continues dementedly laughing] Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of! Lester: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a Mason jar under the sink. Carolyn: [Referring to Jane] How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the... same... day... that... you... lose your job! Lester: I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I quit! Pass the asparagus. Carolyn: Oh! Oh! Oh! And I want to thank you for puttin

Dialogue

Carolyn: Uh, whose car is that out front? Lester: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule! Carolyn: [To Lester leaning over to her] Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch. Lester: So what? It's just a couch. Carolyn: This is a four thousand dollar sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch! Lester: [Pounds couch with pillow] It's just a couch! This isn't life! This is just stuff! [Throws pillow at couch] And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.

Dialogue

Lester: [Meeting Carolyn with Buddy with their order at the restaurant drive-thru] Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's! Carolyn: Uh, Buddy, this is my- Lester: Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time. Janine: Whoa, you are so busted! Carolyn: You know, this really doesn't concern you! Lester: Actually, Janine is senior-manager of the drive thru so you kind of are on her turf. So, this makes sense. Carolyn: Oh, Lester... Lester: Honey, it's okay. I want you to be happy. Would you like Smiley sauce with that? Carolyn: Lester, just stop it! Lester: No, no. You... don't get to tell me what to do... ever... again.

Dialogue

Jane: Mom, is it okay if Angela sleeps over tonight? [Glances over at a calm Lester] Carolyn: Well, of course, she's always welcome. [To Jane walking to kitchen] You know, I thought maybe you two had a fight. I haven't seen her around here in a while. And she's gone! [Lester walks to kitchen] Lester: [To Jane staring at him in kitchen] What? Jane: [Nervously] I've been too embarrassed to bring her over. Because of you, and the way that you behave. Lester: What are you talking about?! I've barely even spoken to her! Jane: Dad! You stare at her all the time, like you're drunk! It's disgusting! Lester: You better watch yourself, Janie, or you're going to turn into a real bitch, just like your mother! [Jane is stunned and then flees kitchen, then under breath] Fuck.

Dialogue

Jane: [To Ricky videotaping her] I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school. What a lame-o. Somebody really should just put him out of his misery. Ricky: Want me to kill him for you? Jane: Yeah, would you?

Dialogue

Ricky: [Laughs] Oh, Dad, you don't really think that me and Mr. Burnham were... Colonel Fitts: Don't you laugh at me. Now, I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cock-sucker! Ricky: Jesus, what is it with you? Colonel Fitts: I swear to God, I will throw you out of the house and never look at you again! Ricky: You mean that? Colonel Fitts: You're damn straight I do. I'd rather you were dead than be a fuckin' faggot. Ricky: You're right, I suck dick for money. Colonel Fitts: Boy, don't start. Ricky Fitts: Two thousand dollars, I'm that good. Colonel Fitts: Get out. Ricky: And you should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three states. Colonel Fitts: [Hits Ricky] Get out! I don't ever want to see you again. Ricky: What a sad old man you are.

Dialogue

Ricky: If I had to leave tonight, would you come with me? Jane: What? Ricky: If I had to go to New York. To live. Tonight. Would you come with me? Jane: Yes. Angela: You guys can't be serious. [To Jane] You're just a kid. And he's like, a mental case. You'll end up living in a box on the street. Jane: I'm no more a kid than you are! [To Ricky] We can use my plastic surgery money. Ricky: We won't have to. I have over forty thousand dollars. And I know people in the city who can help us get set up. Angela: What, other drug dealers? Ricky: Yes. Angela: Jane, you'd be out of your mind to go with him. Jane: Why do you even care? Angela: Because you're my friend! Ricky: She's not your friend. She's somebody you use to feel better about yourself. Angela: Go fuck yourself, psycho! Jane: You shut up, bitch! Angela: Jane, he's a freak! Jane: Then so am I! And we'll always be freaks and we'll never be like other people and you'll never be a freak because you're just too... perfect! Angela: Yeah?

Dialogue

Angela: Jane and I had a fight. It was about you. She's mad at me because I said I think you're sexy. Lester: So, you gonna tell me? What do you want? Angela: I don't know...What do you want? Lester: Are you kidding? I want you. I've wanted you ever since the first moment I saw you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Angela: You don't think I'm ordinary? Lester: You couldn't be ordinary if you tried. Angela: Thank you. I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary. [Opens her blouse, exposing her breasts, and lies back beneath Lester] This is my first time. Lester: [Laughs] You're kidding.S Angela: I'm sorry. I still want to do it. I just...thought I should tell you, in case you wondered why I wasn't...better. [Lester stops] What's wrong? I thought you said I was beautiful. Lester: You are beautiful. You are so beautiful - and I would be a very lucky man. Angela: I feel so stupid! Lester: Don't...You have nothing to be sorry about...It's okay, everything's ok

Dialogue

Lester: How's Jane? Angela: What do you mean? Lester: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd- Angela: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love. Lester: Good for her. Angela: How are you? Lester: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.