Quotes

Other

Azmat Nanjiani: (to Kumail) You should be stylish like your father. It's not very difficult. Just observe me. Sharmeen Nanjiani: Since when are you someone to stand up? You know who I think should stand up is Malala. She has something to say, she has something to say! Naveed Nanjiani: Listen to yourself. You hardly sound Pakistani. "Cookies"? You sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You're such a burger.

Dialogue

Azmat: Look at these jeans, Kumi. They're from Citizens of Humanity, that's the brand's name. Touch them. They're so soft. Kumail: I don't want to touch your jeans.

Dialogue

Kumail: How's your sandwich? Beth: Best fucking sandwich I ever had.

Dialogue

Terry: [rhetorically] Who goes to a math conference to get laid? Kumail: Math teachers?

Dialogue

Stu: Welcome to Quick'n Hot. May I take your order, please? Kumail: Yeah, um... Can I get a burger with four slices of cheese? Stu: Four burgers. Anything else, sir? Kumail: No, one burger with four slices of cheese. (silence) One burger with four sli-- Stu: I'm sorry. We can't do that. Kumail: Just put four slices of cheese on a burger. Stu: We can’t do that. There's no button-- Kumail: (gets irritated) Who the fuck is this "we", man?! Who the fuck is this "we"?! It’s me and you! We're just people! Fucking listen to me! Fuck this corporate entity! Put four slices of cheese ON THE FUCKING BURGER!!! Stu: (silence) We can't do that. Kumail: WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FUCKING IDIOT?! (gets out of the car and runs to the pickup window) Hey! Hey, look at me! Look at me! 'Cause I'm a human being, you're a human being! Look at me! Look me in the eyes when you fuck me! Look at me! PLEASE! Stu: Today's my first day. Kumail: FUCK YOU! Stu: I'll just ring you up for four burgers. Kumail: I'm sorry. Stu:

Dialogue

Emily: (spitting out drink) What is that crap? Nurse Judy: We have to thicken your liquids for a bit. Your esophagus isn’t strong enough to swallow yet. Emily: That shit tastes like semen. Terry: That's nice for a father to hear.

Dialogue

Mary: I know you did not get Montreal and that is only because you did one of the worst sets I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life. CJ: It was nonsense. Mary: A living disgrace. CJ: I would call it shit, but I would be worried that I'd be insulting actual shit. Mary: Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me, I thought a ghost had passed right through me. Kumail: We don't have to keep going over how bad the set was. I saw their faces and the noises they didn't make. Mary: I felt one of my eggs die. Kumail: Doesn't that happen every month?

Dialogue

Emily: Hey guys, I think I might just pop out for a bit. Terry: By yourself? Emily: Yeah, just hop around the block, maybe get some frozen yogurt. Terry: Are you okay? Can you do it, can you walk by yourself? Emily: Yeah, Dad. Beth: Have fun. Terry: If you feel a coma coming on, call us. Emily: Dad, it's too soon.