Quotes

Pilot [1.01]

Watson: Mr. Holmes, did your father tell you that I'd be coming? Holmes: He e-mailed, said to expect some sort of addict-sitter. Watson: Then he explained his conditions in respect to your sobriety? Holmes: If you mean his threats to evict me from this, the shoddiest and least renovated of the five, count them, five properties he owns in New York, then yeah. He made his conditions quite clear. I use, I wind up on the street. I refuse your quote-unquote help, I wind up on the street. It was my understanding that most sober companions are recovering addicts themselves, but you've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol. Watson: Your father told you? Holmes: Of course he didn't. Watson: Do you care to explain why you broke out of your rehab facility the same day you were being released? Holmes: Bored. Watson: You were bored? Holmes: No, I am bored. Right now. It happens often. You'll get used to it.

Pilot [1.01]

Watson: There was a woman here just now. Did she get you high? Holmes: About six feet. (he pulls his belt off a ladder, which has two pairs of handcuffs attached to the rungs) I actually find sex repellent. All those fluids and odd sounds. But my brain and my body require it to function at optimum levels, so I feed them as needed.

Pilot [1.01]

Holmes: Tell me, how do clients typically introduce you? Watson: What do you mean? Holmes: I mean, I find it hard to believe they'd actually tell someone they've been assigned a glorified helper monkey. Watson: Helper monkey? You and I have what's known as companion/client confidentiality, which means you can introduce me however you'd like: friend, co-worker, relative, and I'll play along. But, to be honest, most clients just call me their companion. Holmes: Hmm. Captain Gregson! Gregson: Holmes, how are you doing? Holmes: Watson, this is Captain Gregson. Captain Gregson, this is Miss Watson, my personal valet.

Pilot [1.01]

Watson: How do you do it? Holmes: Do what? Watson: Guess things. Holmes: I don't guess. I observe; and once I've observed, I deduce.

Pilot [1.01]

Watson: It's so incredible, the way that you can solve people just by looking at them. I noticed you don't have any mirrors around here. Holmes: And what's that supposed to mean? Watson: It means I think you know a lost cause when you see one.

While You Were Sleeping [1.02]

Watson: What do you mean you put yourself into a trance? Holmes: I hypnotized myself. It's simple, really. The key is word repetition. My word, as you may have guessed, is amygdala. Watson: So you hypnotized yourself at your first group support meeting. Holmes: I couldn't listen to all those sob stories, now could I? Watson: That's the whole point and when, you know, you feel comfortable, you can share. Holmes: You've been with me a week now, Watson. You know I don't share. Watson: Well then why can't you listen? Holmes: Attic theory. I've always believed the human brain is like an attic: storage space, facts, but because that space is finite, it must be filled only with things one needs to be the best version of oneself. It's important, therefore, not to have useless facts: the natterings that comprised your support meeting, for example, crowding out useful ones.

While You Were Sleeping [1.02]

Watson: I've got to go meet my friend soon. Are you going to be okay getting home by yourself? Holmes: This friend that you're meeting, when was the last time you slept with him? It's quite obvious it's a he and an ex-lover. You go out of your way to avoid gender and every time you talk about him you avert your gaze when say "friend." As to how I know it's not a current lover, your walk speaks volumes. Watson: My walk. Holmes: A study in Belgium showed that a woman's recent orgasmic history can be discerned from her gait. Yours would indicate it's been a while. Watson: Is it sad being wrong as often as you are right? Holmes: My advice: sleep with him. It'll do wonders for your mood.

While You Were Sleeping [1.02]

Holmes: I'm looking for a syringe. Watson: What for? Holmes: I'm going to stab it into the softest part of Miss Ellison's thigh. Lots of nerve endings there. No one can fake their way through that. Watson: If you wanted to know if she was really in a coma, all you had to do was ask. [lifts Yvette Ellison's arm and lets go] Holmes: That's okay but I can't stab her in the thigh?

While You Were Sleeping [1.02]

Watson: You're not supposed to be working here. Holmes: Would you rather I put myself into another trance? Watson: Oh, I already thought of that. (shows him a thumbtack) You even think about zoning out, this goes into the softest part of your thigh. Lots of nerve endings there. Holmes: You wouldn't dare.

While You Were Sleeping [1.02]

Watson: Do you close yourself off to people and deny yourself things that might bring you pleasure not because it makes you a better investigator, but because it's some sort of penance? Holmes: Penance? Watson: For what happened in London; being addicted. I don't know. I guess it just occurred to me that it might be something someone might do and not even know it. Holmes: Well, you always know it, Watson. If you didn't, it wouldn't be penance.

Child Predator [1.03]

Watson: Have you been up all night? Holmes: I started digging through one of the files I keep on open serial murders. After you'd gone to bed I lost track of time. Still losing track of it as a matter of fact. No jogging, sorry. Watson: I thought that we both agreed that a little exercise would be a good addition to your sobriety. Holmes: For future reference, when I say that 'I agree with you' it means I'm not listening. Watson: Do you know what else is great? Jazzercise. Get you some leg warmers, headband, you'll look awesome. Holmes: I agree with you.

Child Predator [1.03]

Holmes: I'm not sleeping. I'm just reviewing the details of the case in my mind. Watson: I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? Because I thought I was just a cavernous expanse between two ears. Holmes: You mustn't be so sensitive, Watson. The service you're providing is quite valuable. For a brief stretch in London I talked only to a phrenology bust I kept in my study. I named him Angus. It wasn't the same. I realized that when it came to listeners I preferred animates to inanimate. Quite a breakthrough, really. Watson: Angus. I'm glad I made it to the "animate" category.

Child Predator [1.03]

Victims of horrific abuse are often protective of their abusers. It doesn't mean we should send them back for seconds.

Child Predator [1.03]

Adam: I have an immunity deal. Holmes: For crimes committed "in consort with" Samuel Abbott.

Child Predator [1.03]

Holmes: What are you doing? Watson: Depriving you of all stimulus. Holmes: What? No! No, no, no. Right after you solve a case you're flush with success. We should double down on work. Watson: We? Holmes: You, me, [holds up bust] Angus! Some combination of the three. You already know I favor you.

The Rat Race [1.04]

Aaron: "CUS", I think that means "See You Soon". But what does "IMLTHO" stand for? Holmes: It means "In My Less Than Humble Opinion". Watson: Your abbreviations are becoming borderline indecipherable. I don't know why, because you are obviously capable of being articulate. Holmes: Language is evolving Watson. Becoming a more efficient version of itself. I love text short hand. It allows you to convey content and tone, without losing velocity.

The Rat Race [1.04]

Holmes: Met a man I see. Handsome one at that. Watson: Um, this is the part where I ask you how you knew that, right? Holmes: You put your hair up when you want to look your best. You think it's more flattering. You're wrong of course. It's a draw.

The Rat Race [1.04]

Watson: The guys at Wall Street are more... formal, in the way they dress. Holmes: Those are costumes. I loathe bankers. They rig the roulette wheel of commerce, very nearly destroy the world economy and they still think if they wear suits they'll be treated as respectable folk instead of the crooks that they are.

The Rat Race [1.04]

You think there's a sociopath working for us? Let me let you in on a little secret, Mr. Holmes: we're <u>all</u> sociopaths.

The Rat Race [1.04]

Holmes: It has its costs. Watson: What does? Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere. Once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most facinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such. Watson: Seems like a lonely way to live. Holmes: As I said. Has its costs.

Lesser Evils [1.05]

Watson: Any luck? Holmes: Luck is an offensive, abhorrent concept. The idea that there is a force in the universe tilting events in your favor or against it is ridiculous. Idiots rely on luck. Watson: So that'd be a no.

Lesser Evils [1.05]

Watson: I was thinking sushi tonight. Holmes: Salmonella, vibrio parahaemolyticus, mercury poisoning, Anasakis simplex: all illnesses contractible from eating raw fish. Anasakis, of particular note, is a worm that can burrow into the wall of the lower intestine, often requiring surgery to remove it. But yeah, sushi's good.

Lesser Evils [1.05]

Dr. Carrie Dwyer: I wanted you know that you were right: Morgan had endocarditis. The lab found it on a TEE, which coincidentally is the test you wanted me to run on her. The funny thing is, I didn't order it for her. Some anonymous person put the request in her chart and the lab followed through. Watson: Remember in our vascular rotation how the chief resident used to always say "better lucky than good"? Sounds to me like you were lucky. Dwyer: Yeah. I guess I was. Watson: I know what it's like not to be lucky. It turned my life upside down. Dwyer: You were always a good friend, Joanie, but you were a better doctor.

Lesser Evils [1.05]

Holmes: I must say, Watson, I enjoyed catching a glimpse of you in your former element. It seems to me your friend was right. You were quite a doctor. Watson: I had my moments. Holmes: Maybe you'll give it another go one of these days.

Flight Risk [1.06]

Holmes: [shouting over the noise] Too loud? Sorry! I went downstairs to get some cereal; didn't want to miss anything. This city has excellent scanner apps, but there's nothing like the tactility of the original devices, all those dials and buttons. Watson: You like pushing buttons. I'm stunned. You've been glued to these for the last few days. Holmes: Slow week, at least in regards to murder and mayhem. Captain Gregson hasn't called once. Watson: Maybe some lunatic will throw his mother-in-law in the wood chipper, give you something to do today.

Flight Risk [1.06]

You can't expect Sherlock Holmes to relate to you the way another person might. The moment you do, he'll migrate out of your life, and you'll be the poorer for it.

One Way to Get Off [1.07]

Sherlock Holmes: I left some urine in your room. Dr. Joan Watson: ...Tell me it's in a cup.

One Way to Get Off [1.07]

Victor Nardin: I don't kill those people! Okay? Sherlock Holmes: Victor Nardin, think fast! Detective Marcus Bell: What are you doing?! Holmes: This man is innocent. Detective Bell, a word, please? Nardin: Why he hit me? Bell: [following Holmes out] Hey, stay right there! Bell: So you assault our perp with an orange, and that has you convinced he's innocent?

The Long Fuse [1.08]

Watson: You don't look convinced. Holmes: Bomb building is a dangerous venture. It requires patience, precision, attention to detail. Mr. Jacobs' wristwatch is nine minutes slow, and his fly is three-quarters down. That doesn't scream "detail-oriented". Watson: Ted Kaczynski looked like a hobo puked another hobo. He managed to hurt plenty of people. Holmes: And point taken.

The Long Fuse [1.08]

One way or the other, I'm going to be out of your life in a few weeks. Maybe you're dreading that day. Maybe you're counting the seconds. Either way, I'm going to make sure you're ready when the time comes. I promise.

You Do It To Yourself [1.09]

Holmes: (examining a body) No shell casings,, no skull fragments, no gray matter. He was killed elsewhere and then dumped here. Det. Bell: Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Holmes: A pig's orgasm lasts up to thirty minutes.

You Do It To Yourself [1.09]

Det. Bell: (in the victim's office) Appointment book. Maybe it'll tell us what he got up to last night. Holmes: Unlikely he would notate trips to an underground Chinese gambling parlor. Det. Bell: Excuse me? Holmes: That's what he was doing last night. Det. Bell: I know you're just waiting for me to ask you why you think that. Det. Bell: Why do you think that? Holmes: I'm glad you asked! Holmes: Mah-jongg tiles come in pairs, why would he hold on to one of each? Det. Bell: Because these tiles aren't for playing. They're membership cards to underground casinos. Aren't you gonna ask me how I knew that? Det. Bell: Fine, whatever.

You Do It To Yourself [1.09]

Watson: I texted you. You didn't have to come. Holmes: As I explained the other day, there's nothing more hazardous to my health than boredom. Besides, I thought it might be nice to meet the ex. Watson: I'm pretty sure he's not going to show. Holmes: And here you sit. Watson: I'll give him ten more minutes. If there's someplace else you have to be... Holmes: Not tonight, Watson. Not tonight.

The Leviathan [1.10]

Holmes: If you must know, Watson, the Lynch sisters and I share a mutually beneficial relationship. Watson: If I must know? I didn't ask. Holmes: I need to study the differences that arise between two people with the same genetic material - in the Lynches' case, there are seven major ones - and they get- Watson: I... didn't... ask!

The Leviathan [1.10]

Micah Erlich: If you know our work, you know that we introduced a new flagship product in 2009, "The Leviathan." Holmes: Yes, the safe that you marketed as "impregnable." Did you people learn nothing from the Titanic?

The Leviathan [1.10]

Before you say anything, I would like to remind you that I'm holding an ax.

The Leviathan [1.10]

Holmes: It's obvious what happened: one of the original team sold the recipe for breaching The Leviathan to an outside party. Watson: That's obvious? Holmes: When you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth. Watson: And what's impossible here is that you couldn't break into the safe but someone else could. In other words, you are the smartest man in the world. [pause] I'm waiting for you to challenge me and say that's ridiculous.

The Leviathan [1.10]

Watson: I put a lock code on here to prevent you from sending out texts! Holmes: I was hired to breach The Leviathan. Did you really think I wouldn't be able to get into your phone?

The Leviathan [1.10]

Watson: I know you're going to blow this off, but I'm going to say it anyway: thank you. I've never been able to make my family understand what I do. Holmes: Yes, well I meant very little of what I said. Watson: There's the blowing off part. Holmes: I know my audiences; I simply told them what they wanted to hear. They're nice people, your family, but they are, at their core, conventional. You make an effort to appear conventional, but I know, Watson, that you share my love of all that is bizarre and outside the humdrum routine of ordinary life. Your family will never understand this, so I gave them some words that they would understand.

The Leviathan [1.10]

Holmes: I suppose being proven right is the best gift of all. There was no genius who independently cracked the Leviathan. It was a question of copying the original team. Watson: So that means you still might be the smartest person in the world. Holmes: I would never suggest that. Watson: Really? I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say anything remotely modest. Holmes: That's not modesty. There's just no reliable way to test the hypothesis.

The Leviathan [1.10]

Mary Watson: I know you think that I don't like your new career. Watson: To put it mildly. Mary Watson: You're right, I don't like it, but not for the reasons that you think. I'm not happy that you're a sober companion, because it never seems to make you happy. Watson: How do you know what makes me happy? Mary Watson: I know because you're my daughter. After you left medicine, after what happened with Liam, I've always thought that this job was something that you picked out of, I don't know, out of a sense of duty. When you came to dinner the other night, when the two of you talked about Sherlock's work, I saw something in you. It was a spark. A sense of excitement. I haven't seen that in you in a long time. You like what he does. Watson: Yes, okay. I enjoy it, but I'm not a detective, Mom, and I'm almost done working with Sherlock and then it's on to another client. Mary Watson: Will the next client make you happy? People find their paths in the strangest of ways.

Dirty Laundry [1.11]

Watson: How do you deal with cases not working out the way you want them to? Holmes: The only promise a puzzle makes is an answer. Liking the answer doesn't factor in; in our line of work, it mustn't.

Dirty Laundry [1.11]

Holmes: I'm quite proud of you, Watson. Your doggedness. I give you as much credit for solving this case as I do myself. Watson: Thanks. Holmes: No wonder you're so keen to be my associate. Watson: Sherlock -- Holmes: As I proposed the other day, you can tell my father I've hit a bit of a rough patch. He'll keep the checks coming and you can continue to hone your skills. Watson: I took another job this morning. I work with other therapists and I was referred to another client, so I'll be starting with him next week after you and I wrap up. Holmes: I see. I'm usually quite good with deductions. Watson: Are you okay? Holmes: My dear Watson, whenever am I not?

M. [1.12]

Therapist: I know how invigorating you found his work. You went from being a surgeon to an addiction counselor. There's no reason you couldn't make another change. Pursue work of a more, investigative nature. Watson: Yeah, I'm not interested in becoming an investigator. I like what I do right now. Therapist: Well there's the rub I'm afraid. Short of your client falling off the wagon, your "right now" is coming to an end.

M. [1.12]

[To Holmes] I'm going to miss this. Well, maybe not this, but this. Working with you, I think what you do is amazing. I wanted to tell you that at the wrap up dinner but it seems less and less likely that's going to happen.

M. [1.12]

Watson: It's funny, when I moved in, you didn't mention anything about your little uhh, surveillance system. Holmes: This is my sanctum sanctorum. Did you honestly believe there wouldn't be security measures? Watson: OK, is that M (gestures to a photo)? You told a bunch of children to go to upscale hotels to look for him, why? Holmes: Note the hands, vintage MG driving gloves. Quite expensive, but not nearly as expensive as his John Varvatos shoes. M has money. That much is obvious. He's also a recent immigrant to New York. Why did I assume he'd be in a hotel as oppose to a property he might own? Well it's quite simple, I noted a curious scent on the note that he left. I quickly realized it was, in fact, a combination of scents. Those of the high end hand soap and an even higher end mint based shampoo. Each product is used by various upscale hotels around the city but only one chain, The Bettancourt, stocks both. My attendants and I each took a Bettancourt and watched for M. Watson: Ri

M. [1.12]

Moran: I knew you'd make the right decision. You're a rare thing in this world, Holmes. You're an honorable man. Holmes: A famous statistician once stated that while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can, with precision, say what an average man will do. Individuals vary, percentages remain constant. So says the statistician. I... am not an average man. (stabs Moran)

The Red Team [1.13]

Watson: And how does Napoleon Bonaparte fit in? Holmes: By the time of my third night without sleep, I may have been reaching.

The Red Team [1.13]

Watson: Your hobby is conspiracy theories? Holmes: No, of course not. Conspiracy theories are pure sophistry. Large groups of people cannot keep secrets. My hobby is conspiracy theorists. I adore them as one would a barmy uncle or a pet that can’t stop walking into walls.

The Red Team [1.13]

Watson: I thought there was no such thing as conspiracy theories? Holmes: Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, Watson.

The Red Team [1.13]

Watson: Oh, it's that simple? You're just going to find five classified names? Holmes: Why not? It's my day off.

The Red Team [1.13]

Watson: Their plan to attack it was so good they made it a national secret. Holmes: The world is balanced on a knife edge of destruction every single day. You accept that, and you can just get on with things.

The Deductionist [1.14]

I'm glad your bust was such a success last night, but this place still smells like stripper.

The Deductionist [1.14]

Watson: I'm going to bed. You need anything? Holmes: I know that Catherine Drummond is obsessed with her work. She prides herself on the accuracy of her profiles, but do you think she would have gone so far as to destroy a family to lend credence to one of her claims? Watson: Did you ever consider the possibility that she lied about you in the article? Holmes: What would she have to gain? I was never revealed as the subject in the article. No one ever compared me to it. Anyway, she got a good deal right. Watson: She predicted your drug problem. So what? You got clean. You picked up your career right where you left off, and you even made a friend, something that Catherine claimed in her article was virtually impossible. Me. I'm talking about me. Look, my point is, the only thing that anyone can predict about people with 100 percent certainty is that they'll change, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.

The Deductionist [1.14]

If I were you, I wouldn't be upset that a dirty movie was produced in my home. I would be upset that it was produced so sloppily. And if you haven't already, I strongly recommend that you find yourself a new spatula.

The Deductionist [1.14]

Bruce: What do you want? Joan: I want you and Cooper to pay for all of my stuff to be put in storage until I find a new place. I also want $1,200 for that couch, because after everything it's been through in that movie, it needs to be taken out back and shot.

A Giant Gun, Filled With Drugs [1.15]

Watson: How are you not a total wreck right now? If my kid was taken and held for ransom, I don't know if I could keep it together. You seem quite... I don't know, Zen. Rhys Kinlan: I made a delivery once to Holmes at Scotland Yard. Crazy, right? Crazier still, he invites me to stay and watch him assist in the interrogation of this lunatic who'd been planting car bombs all over the city. The police knew there was another one out there, but they didn't know where it was. Holmes is in the room with the guy for, like, five minutes, figures out where the bomb is from a couple of stains on the guy's shoes. You ask why I'm not a total wreck? Because I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

Details [1.16]

In the meantime, you should expect more guerilla-style tests of your ability to fight back! (evil smile) You have been warned.

Details [1.16]

Holmes: (on Officer Reyes) She boxes. I can tell from her knuckles and the tape residue. Perhaps she would agree to spar with you. Give me an idea of what you might be like with an opponent in your similar weight class. Watson: Are you sure this sudden new interest in my safety has nothing to do with watching two women engage in some foxy boxing? Holmes: You think you're foxy?

Details [1.16]

Watson: OW! What the hell was that about?! Holmes: Don't be cross. It could have been a knife.

Details [1.16]

Watson: Ah, I take the bathroom is also a bust. Holmes: That depends. Can you think of any reason that Bell would have a lingerie catalog on which your head has been super-imposed on almost all of the models? (Watson looks outraged) He hasn't, but can you think of any reason he would?

Details [1.16]

Watson: You know what, I appreciate your concern with my safety, I really do, but I think we need to have a conversation about boundaries. Okay, you've given me this incredible window into what you do, and you know what? It is fascinating. But at the end of the day, I am not your apprentice, I am your sober companion. Holmes: No, you're not! No, you are not. You haven't been for quite some time. Watson: Sherlock, what are you-? Holmes: I know that you lied to me several weeks ago, when you said that my father had renewed your contract. I found out when I telephoned him last week. I'm not angry. If anything, I am grateful. You saw that I was in a raw state and you stayed to see me through it. Now when I learned of the lie, however, I deliberately adopted a more sanguine mood. I wanted you to see that I was well again, so that you could move on. But the most curious thing happened: you stayed. Days passed, then a week. It became clearer and clearer that you were not staying for me, but f

Details [1.16]

Marcus: I gotta ask. The note you left, "was not Marcus". Andre: You told me someone tried to frame you for a shooting, I don't know, I just figured maybe it was the same guy. Detective Bell: No, I know, but we fought yesterday. You were shot in the back. No way you saw who did it, no way you could have known for sure it wasn't me. Andre: But I did know. I know you. And you gotta look out for family, even when they disappoint you.

Details [1.16]

Watson: There's just one thing we're going to need for this to work. Holmes: Oh, what's that? Holmes: Ow! Watson: Could have been a knife.

Possibility Two [1.17]

Sherlock: Strain yourself to be alert to the bizarre and the unusual; that which has no place in any given picture. Watson: Like that stretch limo with the driver staring straight at us?

Possibility Two [1.17]

(to Watson) You're a detective now, you tell me.

Possibility Two [1.17]

Watson: Hey, what's this? Sherlock: You're a detective now, you tell me. Watson: Ah, it looks like you left your dry cleaning ticket for me.

Possibility Two [1.17]

Sherlock: Which is why I am considering possibility two. Watson: (looks at board) It's blank. Sherlock: Possibility two has stubbornly refused to reveal itself. Watson: Well, keep staring at the wall, I'm sure it's hiding in there somewhere.

Possibility Two [1.17]

A good detective knows that every task, every interaction, no matter how seemingly banal, has the potential to contain multitudes. I live my life alert to this possibility. I expect my colleagues to do the same.

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

I just have one question... What kind of name is Sherlock?

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

The human face, Watson, is like the penis, or so said the great personality theorist Silvan Tomkins. The point being, the face, like the male member, has a mind of its own. It betrays us on an almost daily basis, advertises our secrets to those who know what to look for.

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

Watson: You think you can find the guy from a patch? Holmes: Stranger things, Watson...

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

If you were working this case... What would your next step be?

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

(to Holmes) I keep thinking if you were the one to break into the trunk, she would have been there.

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

Have I told you how distracting I find self-doubt? If you're going to wallow, you'll have to do it in the privacy of your own room.

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

Holmes: How, in this case, does "A" lead to "B"? Watson: Maybe "A" didn't lead to "B"... maybe "B" led to "A".

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

But don't take my word for it. I'm just a woman with a crazy story...

Snow Angels [1.19]

Holmes: Would you please give [Captain Gregson] this message? "Fairly certain E-R-O-C will be robbed today, connected to security guard murder, Sherlock Holmes. Over." Right, we need to get to East Rutherford, New Jersey. Watson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought the whole reason we left the house was because we could not reach the police. Holmes: Well, we have no idea if they're going to get the message, or whether they can spare the manpower if by some miracle they do get the message. And we don't even have any proof. No, the most sensible course is for us to go to EROC ourselves. Watson: And do what? What if there are fifty commandos shooting up the place? Holmes: Well, I have my whistle. (Watson starts to protest) I don't know what's gonna happen next! That's what makes this an adventure. So, Pam, very sorry to do this, but we're commandeering this vehicle on behalf of the NYPD. Let's go! Pam: (unimpressed) You, get out. (to Watson) You, I can give a ride home to if you want.

Snow Angels [1.19]

Holmes: Yesterday you complained when I took Ms. Hudson in. Watson: Yesterday I was upset because you brought a stranger into our shared living space without asking. Today she's no longer a stranger. I like Ms. Hudson. You know, she's lost. She's just trying to figure herself out. Holmes: You identify with her. She's like you were before you met me. Watson: What? Holmes: Lost, trying to figure yourself out. Watson: No, I reject that analogy. I just want to help her. I think it would be good if Ms. Hudson learned to take care of herself, that's all.

Dead Man's Switch [1.20]

I have a particular disdain for blackmailers. They are, in some respects, more despicable to me than even murderers.

Dead Man's Switch [1.20]

Holmes: Two years ago, Charles Milverton referred a client to 'The Sheriff.' His name was Abraham Zelner, a morbidly obese man who wanted to sue an airline for removing him from a flight. Zelner was the only client that Milverton referred. Earlier we were theorizing that 'HENRY8' was Milverton's accomplice. Henry the Eighth, as I'm sure you're aware, was the fattest monarch in British history. Watson: So you think Zelner was his accomplice, and that Milverton gave him that code name because he was heavyset? Holmes: Orson Welles was heavyset. Abraham Zelner could pull small moons out of orbit.

Dead Man's Switch [1.20]

Holmes: (answers phone) The Brownstone is on fire, my bees have escaped, and there is a giant comet headed for Manhattan. Watson: Excuse me? Holmes: The way the evening is going, I thought you could only be calling with more good news.

A Landmark Story [1.21]

[Singing] Sherlock's up and Sherlock's down but he's always wears that sacred frown!

A Landmark Story [1.21]

[To Watson] The thing that's different about me is you.

A Landmark Story [1.21]

[To Sherlock] I am dissecting a body in the middle of the night. We are not having a moment.

A Landmark Story [1.21]

My name is Moriarty. I believe we're overdue for a chat

A Landmark Story [1.21]

[To Sherlock] Wow, and insult and a boast.

Risk Management [1.22]

There's something you got to try to understand. Guys like him, they walk between the raindrops, they don't get wet. People like you do. People like his ex-girlfriend do.

Risk Management [1.22]

Watson: You're in the danger zone also. Gregson: I've been a cop for 30 years! I carry a gun! Watson: [muttering] And a penis.

The Woman [1.23]

Watson: I'm not your sober companion anymore, but I know a relapse trigger when I see one. Proctor: Moriarty said you weren't to be harmed- but then, last night, she tried to have me killed! Sherlock Holmes: ... She? (Proctor aims his gun for the kill, but is suddenly shot five times from behind; as he falls dead, Irene comes through the door with her gun raised) Irene Adler/ Jamie Moriarty: (now speaking with an English accent)...Bet you wish you'd run away with me when you had the chance. Sherlock Holmes: ...Moriarty.

Heroine [1.24]

Jamie Moriarty: This isn't... how, or when, I wanted to reveal myself to you. (glances at the corpse of her rogue agent) But, Mr. Proctor forced the issue. Sherlock Holmes: (struggling and in pain from his gunshot wound) This is a ruse. You... So- who was the man I, uh, spoke to on the phone, who said he was Moriarty? Jamie Moriarty: You talked with one of my lieutenants- he has, over the years, played the role repeatedly and with great conviction. More often than not, he's done so to protect my identity. At other times, it was because I suspected a potential client might...struggle... with my gender (contemptuously) As if men had a monopoly on murder. (she retrieves the gun from Proctor's corpse) Sherlock Holmes: ... What if I don't believe you? Jamie Moriarty: You don't want to believe me... and yet, your legendary powers of observation are screaming that I'm telling the truth right now. Sherlock Homes: Why would you do this? Seduce me, and then lead me to believe you'd been murdered

Step Nine [2.01]

You've been tending to your self-defense. Well done.

Step Nine [2.01]

Joan: It seems like this is very personal. Are you sure you want me to come along? Sherlock: Without you the airline might seat me next to a morbidly obese person, or a child, or a morbidly obese child.

Step Nine [2.01]

Hopkins: Good God, man. You look exactly the same! Sherlock: As do you. Except that you've gained exactly one and a quarter stone, and your hairline's receded by half an inch. Hopkins: You're slipping. I've gained exactly one and a half stone. Sherlock: I'm not slipping, I've just grown more courteous.

Step Nine [2.01]

Sherlock: Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty. Mycroft: Fatty? (pats his stomach) I'd say I've slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you? Sherlock: Lap band? Mycroft: Exercise. Sherlock: Exercise requires energy and ambition, and you've never had either.

Step Nine [2.01]

Sherlock is addicted to being himself.

Step Nine [2.01]

[to Joan] I'm curious to know which one of us is right about my brother. I have my money on me.

Solve For X [2.02]

Bell: Where's your better half? Sherlock: One mystery at a time, Detective.

Solve For X [2.02]

Watson: And you brought him here to help you make sense of the equations you found in the victim's house. I get that. What I don't get, is why he isn't wearing a shirt. Sherlock: Every great thinker has a process, Watson. In Harlan's case, he doesn't like there to be anything between him and the numbers. Now I know you can feel quite Victorian about such things, so I gave him a little bell to ring in case he feels the need to disrobe completely. Having said that, I can't guarantee he won't sit on the furniture.

Solve For X [2.02]

Harlan: I've figured it out! It's P vs. NP! Harlan: Guys, come on! It's one of the most famous problems in math history...! Sherlock: Harlan, if we were mathematicians, you would not be here.

Solve For X [2.02]

I know all about poisons, Watson, I've become an expert on them. But over the past few years, I've come to understand that there is nothing on this planet so toxic as guilt.

We Are Everyone [2.03]

Joan: In other words, you plan on arguing on the internet all night. Sherlock: No Belgian is that bad at backgammon. Joan: I meet people, you know. My life is not that weird! Joan: Staged suicide, obviously. No one sticks their head in the oven anymore... (off Emily's look) Shut up, please. Sherlock: What are you doing? Joan: I'm looking at profiles of guys who winked at me on TrueRomantix. Sherlock: I weep for the whole desperate lot of you.

Poison Pen [2.04]

Sherlock: So did you learn anything, Watson? Joan: Yeah, that you fight dirty. Sherlock: No, I fight without mercy, a habit that you should develop if you hope to defend yourself against bigger, stronger opponents. Which may occur unless we limit ourselves to investigating crimes committed by small children or large house cats.

Poison Pen [2.04]

Joan: Well, it certainly sounds like you had feelings for her. Sherlock: Perhaps but... nothing so mundane as love. I was adrift back then. I had-had no purpose. My so-called peers made me feel that that might always be the case. Abigail, she gave me a gift. A view inside a mind capable of murder. Watson: So she was your first... Sherlock: Killer, yeah. Without intending to, she-she helped me understand who I was and-and what I might do with my life.

Poison Pen [2.04]

First time in my career someone's alibi for murder has been that they were busy planning the same murder. If it weren't so frustrating, it would be interesting.

Ancient History [2.05]

Sherlock: Sometimes, Watson, when one wants a diamond, one must resort to digging in a diamond mine. Joan: For future reference, a morgue is not a diamond mine. Sherlock: It's better. Diamonds are just pressed coal; corpses have stories, secrets.

An Unnatural Arrangement [2.06]

Sherlock: Quite frankly, I'm surprised it's taken this long for the captain's marriage to buckle. He's an excellent detective. Joan: What does that have to do with it? Sherlock: Well, as you know, detection is a calling, not a job. Hardly leaves one with time left over to sustain the elaborate ruse of marriage. Joan: Because, of course, you think marriage is an elaborate ruse. Sherlock: There are other ways to describe it. An unnatural arrangement which forces its participants into an unhealthy monogamy. An accretion of petty fights and resentful compromises which, like Chinese water torture, slowly transforms both parties into howling, neurotic versions of their former selves.

An Unnatural Arrangement [2.06]

Gregson: What I want... is to be with my wife. Cheryl: Now? After 28 years of missed dinners and weekends at the precinct? Gregson: Come on. When did I ever tell you I wanted to be anything but a cop? Cheryl: When did I tell you that I was always gonna be okay with that?

The Marchioness [2.07]

Sherlock: I often wonder if I should have been born in another time. [...] My senses are unusually--well, one could even say, unnaturally keen. And ours is an era of distraction. It's a punishing drumbeat of constant input. This cacophony which follows us into our homes and into our beds, and seeps into our...into our souls, for want of a better word. For a long time, there was only one poultice for my raw nerve endings, and that was copious drug use. So in my less productive moments, I'm given to wonder...If I'd just been born when it was a little quieter out there, would I have even become an addict in the first place? Might I have been more focussed? A more fully realized person? Addict: (joking) When, Ancient Greece? Sherlock: Have you any idea what passed for dental care in the Hellenic era?

The Marchioness [2.07]

Sherlock: Could you just stay out of the eyeline? Mycroft: You're joking. I was just standing here. Sherlock: Yes, that's the problem. Joan: [Sherlock is jabbing her while she's sleeping] Why are you poking me with your single stick? Sherlock: I'm prodding the sheets in order to determine whether or not my brother is in there with you. Sherlock: [to Mycroft] Would you kindly get in touch with the Marchioness? I would very much like to ask her why drug dealers want to murder her horse. Nigella: It seems that I'm at the mercy of the Holmes brothers.

Blood is Thicker [2.08]

Delivery driver: [to youth studying book] What's today's word? Youth: Borborygnus. Delivery driver: What's that mean? Youth: [reads from book as if it were a spelling bee] "The sound of your stomach grumbling." Borborygnus. Delivery driver: Some words we just don't need, heh. Joan: This is one of those "so many questions" moments. Why only three times a year? Sherlock: Well, I'm not sure, having never milked a moose. I imagine one must catch it in the right mood. Sherlock: You must by now be aware of my opinions regarding food. My wants in life are simple: a loaf of bread and a clean collar. The ritualization-slash-fetishization of eating is as egregious a waste of time as I can think of.

On the Line [2.09]

Everybody? Listen up. It has come to my attention that there's some of you that aren't thrilled the way some things are done around here. Think I've given our consultants a little too much sway. Some friends of mine wanted to let me know before it was too late to right the ship. And I appreciate that. We've got a mission here. It's to protect this city and the citizens that live in it. You are all part of that effort every day. Most of you do yourselves and this department proud. And for that, I want to thank you. But if anybody has a problem with how I utilize all the tools at my disposal, be it Holmes and Watson or the coffee machine... (in an adamantine overtone) there's the door. Back to work.

On the Line [2.09]

Sherlock: I've given further consideration to your rebuke regarding my capacity for niceness. Joan: I didn't mean it as a rebuke. I was trying to have a conversation. Sherlock: Either way. You have a point. There is unquestionably a certain social utility to being polite. To maintaining an awareness of other people's sensitivities. To exhibiting all the traits that might commonly be grouped under the heading nice. Joan: I think you'll be surprised how easy it is to earn that designation. Sherlock: No. I am not a nice man. It's important that you understand that. It's going to save you a great deal of time and effort. There is not a warmer, kinder me waiting to be coaxed out into the light. I am acerbic. I can be cruel. It's who I am. Right to the bottom. I'm neither proud of this, nor ashamed of it. It simply is. And in my work, my nature has been an advantage far more often than it has been a hindrance. I'm not gonna change. Joan: You already have. You're not the same person I met a y

Tremors [2.10]

Cassandra: How did you learn about Mr. Dylan's criminal record? Sherlock: When I learned that James Dylan had sold Rada Hollingsworth her viatical, I did some cursory research into his background, research his employers had apparently neglected to do. That's the beauty of the Internet. Twenty-four-seven access to everything from twerking kittens to criminal records.

Tremors [2.10]

Gregson: Give the man a moment, would you? He's a brave and brilliant instrument of justice. All we gotta do is stay out of his way, and he'll lead us right to the truth. Judge: I've known Tommy Gregson a long time. I'm guessing he didn't actually say that. Holmes: He may have used different words to make the same point.

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

[voice-over, in a letter to Moriarty] We have spilled much ink, you and I, in our discussion of human connection, and we're no closer to understanding than we were when our correspondence began. I often feel as if I am standing on one side of a wide chasm, shouting across, and wondering if the response I hear comes from you, or if it is my own voice, echoing back to me. It seems to me, on my side of the canyon, the search for unity with another is the font of much of the world's unhappiness. I watch as Watson, eager as ever to extract some meaning from the prevailing social conventions, endures a series of curated mating rituals. It seems to me that she's incrementally less content each time she returns from one. I conduct myself as though I'm above matters of the heart, chiefly because I have seen them corrode people I respect. But in my candid moments I sometimes wonder if I take the stance I do because "love," for lack of a better word, is a game that I fail to understand, and so I

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

Moriarty: You look a bit tired. Sherlock: You look a bit evil.

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

Moriarty: Would you be surprised to learn you've been on my mind, Joan Watson? Joan: Not really. Moriarty: I don't typically misread people, but you're more clever than I initially anticipated. More interesting. If you weren't, I would never have been caught. Joan: I think you give me too much credit. Moriarty: It's what you crave, is it not? Acknowledgment from a superior mind. Evidence that you matter. Why else pursue a partnership with a man like Sherlock? Joan: Actually the partnership was his idea. That bothers you, doesn't it? Moriarty: I confess I don't understand it, but I'm drawn to things I don't understand. Same as Sherlock. Once I've figured you out, I'll move on. Same as Sherlock. Joan: Is that why you've been writing him? Because you want to... understand him? Moriarty: Part of it, I suppose. Joan: And the rest? Moriarty: What do you think? Joan: You think you're in love with him. Only you can't be sure, because as much as you claim to know about the world, love is someth

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

Sherlock: Did you say everything you wanted to say today? To Moriarty? That is why you accompanied her to the Fuller residence, is it not? So you would have a private dialogue with her? Joan: Well, you have been hogging her for the last few months. Sherlock: I told you. I have merely been-- Joan: Studying her. Right. You have feelings for her, and that is perfectly normal. Sherlock: I have nothing of the sort. Joan: Irene was the love of your life. That is why, in spite of everything, you can't quite give her up. I get that. But I also know that you're only gonna get hurt in the long run because there is no Irene. There is only Moriarty. And Moriarty is never gonna change.

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

[to Joan, re Moriarty] The woman is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma I've had sex with. I would be lying if I said I was the strongest assessor of her motives at this point.

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

Moriarty: Your letters have meant a great deal to me. I find them influencing my decisions in the most surprising ways. Sherlock: You could have killed Agent Mattoo. And from your perspective, it would have been the expedient thing. Moriarty: And yet, to you, it would have been repugnant. Tell me, is that how you learned to be one of them? By learning to care how your actions seemed in the eyes of another? Sherlock: I'm not sure I am one of them.

All in the Family [2.13]

Sherlock: I was attempting to get a rise out of you, to remind you that no matter where you go or how tedious the work you undertake, it will not change what you are, a detective. Detective Bell: I am a detective. Sherlock: Well, you still carry the title, yeah. But it's more than that, isn't it? It's a calling. It's your calling. You are not an analyst. You are not an assessor of data. You transferred from Major Crimes either because your pride would not allow you to occupy the same space as me or because you're feeling sorry for yourself. In either case, a pathetic excuse. Detective Bell: I have a tremor in my hand. I can't shoot, can't get out on the street and work cases because of you! Sherlock: Bollocks! You could've stayed in Major Crimes until you completed your rehab! Detective Bell: You're assuming my rehab can be completed! Sherlock: Because I have faith in you! I have faith in your perseverance! Be my friend, don't be my friend, whatever, but don't be so foolish as to confu

Dead Clade Walking [2.14]

Holmes: Excuse me, I was expecting to find my housemate. Gay: No problem. I'm Gay. Holmes: ...I'm not. Gay: It's my name. Holmes: ...Yes, of course. I'm Sherlock. Gay: Hello... I also am. Gay. So, you know, it saves time. Holmes: ...How efficient.

Dead Clade Walking [2.14]

Watson: Why is Gay asleep on our couch? Holmes: I worked her hard. Don't be territorial about your geologist, Watson, I was in need of one.

The One Percent Solution [2.16]

Watson: [carrying a caged chicken] Why is Romulus outside my door? Holmes: That's Remus. Watson: I don't care which cock I'm holding, I just want to know how it got there...! Okay, congratulations, you got me to say it. Holmes: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that that would look fantastic on a tombstone.

Ears to You [2.17]

Watson: You're kidding! Holmes: That's me, Watson. Joke machine.

The Hound of the Cancer Cells [2.18]

Misanthropy was so easy, Watson - elegant. I miss it sometimes.

No Lack of Void [2.20]

I'm sorry I let you down. [quoting from 'Waiting for Godot'] At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, He is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on.

The View from Olympus [3.18]

Sherlock Holmes: [interrupts] No no no, I didn't say I was amazing, I said I was remarkable. The things that I do, the things that you care about, um... you think that I do them 'cause I'm a good person. I do them 'cause it would hurt too much not to. Agatha Spurrell: Because you're a good person. Sherlock Holmes: No, it hurts, Agatha. [points] All this. Everything I see, everything I hear, touch, smell; the conclusions that I'm able to draw; the things that are revealed to me; the ugliness. My work focuses me. It helps. You say that I'm using my gifts. I say I'm just treating them. Dr. Joan Watson: That's the sex blanket. Sherlock Holmes: I have asked you not to call it that. Dr. Joan Watson: Who is she, and what time is she coming over? Dr. Joan Watson: We'd like your employee records and data. Eric Frazier: With all due respect, this has got a pretty broad reach. I'd like our lawyers to take a look at it first. Sherlock Holmes: Indeed. They might contest the invasion of privacy as b

One Watson, One Holmes [3.19]

Sherlock Holmes: I owe you a bit of an apology. I attempted to express my concern for you last night, but my thoughts were distorted by the lens of my own needs. It was not optimally done. Dr. Joan Watson: Oh, that's okay. Sherlock Holmes: What I was trying to say was that one of the things I've gained from our collaboration is a working definition of the word friendship. Friendship, I've come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another. It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain. Another thing I've learned is that my isolationist tendencies are decidedly not my best quality. I am not a better person because of a lack of connection. So, I think the healthy thing is for you not to move in my direction. In fact, quite the opposite. Dr. Joan Watson: That's worth thinking about. Sherlock Holmes: Our relationship is predicated on one Holmes and one Watson. It's a delicate homeostasis. It doesn't function properly if there are

One Watson, One Holmes [3.19]

Sherlock Holmes: Enjoy yourself, Watson. Dr. Joan Watson: I will try, Holmes.

One Watson, One Holmes [3.19]

Cory Evans: You said you're with the NYPD. We're big supporters of law enforcement. Sherlock Holmes: You're partisan hacks who twist facts until they cohere to a pre-existing viewpoint. All whilst hiding behind the seemingly academic label of a think tank. I despise you and people of your ilk on both sides of the aisle.

Under My Skin [3.21]

That's idiot for "yes." I've always found Sousa the musical equivalent of a leafblower. Well, I thought long and hard about that, Alfredo, and after many, many hours I've come to the most wretched of realizations, one that might curdle your very blood: You are my friend.

The Best Way Out Is Always Through [3.22]

Sherlock Holmes: True prison breaks--those from within the grounds--are rare. Those perpetrated by women, almost unheard of. [sees Watson's expression] It's statistics, Watson. It's not that they fail more; it's just that they don't try. Sherlock Holmes: For a previously unremarkable drug dealer, Miss Moreno continues to defy expectations. Spree killer is yet another category dominated by men. Dr. Joan Watson: How does she do it? Sherlock Holmes: Would you be happier if women were better criminals? Marcus Bell: She's IA [Internal Affairs]. Sherlock Holmes: The great love of my life is a homicidal maniac. No one's perfect. Suspect: I think I'd like you to leave now. Sherlock Holmes: I would want us to leave, too.

Absconded [3.23]

Capt. Thomas Gregson: If I'm not leaving my people in good hands, I'm not leaving my people. Dr. Joan Watson: You're getting stung by bees on purpose? Sherlock Holmes: Obviously. Capt. Thomas Gregson: Anyone ever tell you you're not much of a statesman? Sherlock Holmes: Some statesmen have. Sherlock Holmes: I've interviewed blind men who were better witnesses than that. Three of them. No, four.

Evidence of Things Not Seen [4.02]

There are things that money can't buy, but fewer, perhaps, than you'd like to believe.

Miss Taken [4.07]

Dr. Joan Watson: You read it. Sherlock Holmes: I did. Dr. Joan Watson: You're not mad? Sherlock Holmes: Should I be? Dr. Joan Watson: Of course you should, you're you!

A Burden of Blood [4.08]

Sherlock Holmes: I could always use friends in medium places. Det. Marcus Bell: Well, as long as it helps you. Sherlock Holmes: I can't accept an alibi from anyone with that particular hairstyle.

Murder Ex Machina [4.09]

Det. Marcus Bell: [about Mason] Is anything this kid's doing legal? Sherlock Holmes: Define legal. Sherlock Holmes: His business is vile, but legally he's not a murderer. Fiona Helbron: You have good manners. You must work hard at them. Sherlock Holmes: Well, I can be quite rude at times. When I fail to make the effort. Fiona Helbron: I forget sometimes, too.

Down Where the Dead Delight [4.11]

[to Sherlock] She's not an enemy, I don't have enemies. I'm not like you.

A View with a Room [4.12]

Sherlock Holmes: How can I be of service? Capt. Will Lombarde: We want to pull off a heist. Sherlock Holmes: A heist?....You want to steal something from a heavily armed meth-dealing band of bike-riding satanists. Capt. Will Lombarde: Interested? Sherlock Holmes: Practically engorged. When do we start? Dr. Joan Watson: You know you could have told me that you like her. Sherlock Holmes: Beg your pardon? Dr. Joan Watson: You like her. Sherlock Holmes: Yes, I like Fiona. She's compulsively honest and congenitally unpretentious. Dr. Joan Watson: And pretty. Sherlock Holmes: What are you getting at? Dr. Joan Watson: You like her as in LIKE like. Sherlock Holmes: You're suggesting a romantic interest. More specifically you're suggesting a romantic interest in the vernacular of a prepubescent child. Dr. Joan Watson: This is the book you loaned her. She wanted me to give it back to you. Sherlock Holmes: So...? Dr. Joan Watson: So... Hundreds of books in the house. How many volumes of poetry? Z

A Study in Charlotte [4.13]

Dr. Joan Watson: So we have some time to talk. Sherlock Holmes: About what? Dr. Joan Watson: About the AwayKay next door and how the whole thing is your fault. Dr. Joan Watson: He was afraid of you! Sherlock Holmes: Did I threaten him? Dr. Joan Watson: You don't even remember if you threatened him. Sherlock Holmes: I was on drugs! Dr. Joan Watson: You are the one who makes all the noise! Sherlock Holmes: And you're the one who never stops me. Dr. Joan Watson: Well, I am sorry that I accused you of arson. Sherlock Holmes: Well, I was the obvious suspect.

Who Is that Masked Man? [4.14]

I assure you, there's no such thing as a master of disguise. If there was, I'd be one myself.

Hounded [4.16]

Sherlock Holmes: We'll examine the scene of [your brother's] death. But not because of your connection to my father. If anything, we're gonna have to look past that. Henry Baskerville: I'll pay you whatever you need. Sherlock Holmes: My thoughts exactly.

Ready or Not [4.18]

Holmes: "The Keep." The very pinnacle in luxury doomsday bunkers. Built inside a decommissioned Cold War stronghold at a secret location just outside the city. Owned and operated by this man, Ronnie Wright - ex-Marine, survival expert, huckster. His sales pitch touts not only the site's security, but also the exclusivity of its members. Watson: It is pretty swanky. Holmes: If you're keen on spending eternity buried alive with a group so narcissistic they think that outliving humanity is a good idea. I'd rather melt with the masses and get it over with, wouldn't you?

Ready or Not [4.18]

Watson: It's not how I pictured prepping. I mean, when you say survivalists, I see bearded guys wearing gas masks digging holes in their backyards to build shelters. Holmes: That's the garden-variety prepper. The Keep caters to a uniquely vile subset: the wealthy prepper. Along with the myriad doomsday scenarios that haunt ordinary preppers - global pandemic, nuclear holocaust, socialist zombies coming to eat their guns - the wealthy ones also worry that the poor are going to rise up with torches and pitchforks. Which, one could argue, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Turn It Upside Down [4.22]

Sherlock Holmes: If someone is, say, a cannibal serial killer, that's not enough to call them crazy. As long as you know that eating and killing your victims is wrong, you're considered sane in the eyes of the law. Eric Minton: That's what the law says. Dr. Joan Watson: In the work that Dr. Naylor did for you, did the name Morland Holmes ever come up? Eric Minton: Holmes? Related to you? Sherlock Holmes: That's what the law says. Sherlock Holmes: She hoped that her data would be used by the courts to create standardized sentencing guidelines. Dr. Joan Watson: Do you think this has something to do with why she was murdered? Sherlock Holmes: The study did earn Dr. Naylor her share of detractors. Wealth and race presently play a far greater role in sentencing than anyone would care to admit. Now any attempt to change that represents a seismic upsetting of the applecart, and it's easy to imagine any number of Father's cronies liking the applecart just the way it is. Sherlock Holmes: I don'

The Invisible Hand [4.23]

Dr. Joan Watson: Are you talking to me? Sherlock Holmes: You left? Dr. Joan Watson: Well, you hadn't said anything to me in almost an hour.

A Difference in Kind [4.24]

Dr. Joan Watson: What just happened? Sherlock Holmes: I just disarmed the bomb. Dr. Joan Watson: But you didn't pick a wire, you ju-- Sherlock Holmes: Despite the plots of the many movies you tell me are good which are in fact not good, bomb-makers don't build tests of electrical-engineering skill, they build devices that go bang. Sherlock Holmes: We find the dissenter, propose an alliance. Dr. Joan Watson: With the person who just tried to blow us up? Sherlock Holmes: The enemy of my enemy, Watson. Morland Holmes: Being loved by you is a dangerous thing, Sherlock. Probably why I'm still alive....Ask yourself: Who do you love more than any other in the world, and what do you think will happen if you stay with her? Sherlock Holmes: Do you think your sister will help us sell the place? Dr. Joan Watson: We can ask her over dinner. We should ask Marcus to join, too....He's single, and so is Lin. Sherlock Holmes: And to think that my father thought that I was the greatest threat to our circ

Folie a Deux [5.1]

Sherlock Holmes: So you're a former drug dealer, correct? Shinwell Johnson: [shrugs] Sherlock Holmes: [points to himself] Former drug user. Sherlock Holmes: So, you met Watson after you were shot by rivals in 2006. She pulled five bullets out of you? Shinwell Johnson: That's right. Sherlock Holmes: I've been shot five times. But, uh, separate occasions. Shinwell Johnson: That's...great. Sherlock Holmes: So what kind of a name is Shinwell? Shinwell Johnson: What kinda name is Sherlock? Shinwell Johnson: Mr. Gardner, you wound me! I asked your secretary to tell you I'm here, and the next thing I know you're on the roof. It's hard not to take that personally. Nathan Resor: I understand I can't instantly recall memories from half a decade ago. Where were you, Tuesday April 2, 2010, 10:40 in the morning? Sherlock Holmes: I was at the Whitechapel Gallery in London at an exhibition of neoimpressionist painting. Four minutes later, I used the facilities. Nathan Resor: I can't throw out garbage

Render, and then Seize Her [5.3]

Sherlock Holmes: Get dressed. Or get undressed. Your choice. Dr. Joan Watson: Excuse me? Sherlock Holmes: Marcus has requested our presence at a clothing optional retreat. Dr. Joan Watson: It's for a case, right? Capt. Thomas Gregson: Where'd you get those? Are they hot? Sherlock Holmes: If you're concerned about provenance, just umm, just focus on those ones. Dr. Joan Watson: You can stop mocking her story. She's lying; I'm sold. Sherlock Holmes: And yet you won't join me in pouring scorn on her racist tale of woe. Beth Stone: I can't believe you people. I was taken! Sherlock Holmes: Yes, by two Pakistani men. We've heard your, uh, bigoted Fantasia. Sherlock Holmes: Despite the abject failure of your first nuptials you don't have any such misgivings about the institution, do you? So it would not be a violation of your personal ethics. Captain Thomas Gregson: Should I phrase it like that when I get down on one knee?

Henny Penny the Sky Is Falling [5.4]

Det. Marcus Bell: A poop emoji? Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I thought it was ice cream.

Ill Tidings [5.6]

Sherlock Holmes: You know, if you'd have told me you had a crush on Ms. Milner before we came here, I could have told you to wear a different color shirt. There's ample literature on which colors women are most attracted to, and purple isn't one of them. Det. Marcus Bell: That was a business meeting, not a speed date. Sherlock Holmes: It was both. You dragged me here to save face with that A.D.A. I would've been happy to be your wingman-slash-scapegoat. Sherlock Holmes: I've been thinking about something that Marcus said when he confessed his feelings for the A.D.A. in the Leon Walker case. Dr. Joan Watson: Marcus is in love?! Tell me more! Sherlock Holmes: She's immaterial to my quandary.

Pick Your Poison [5.10]

Dr. Joan Watson: Sometimes I wonder what hobbies other people's roommates have. Sherlock Holmes: I briefly shared a flat in London with a collector of wild game urine. He used it as a lure for hunting and trapping. Dr. Joan Watson: Oh. Then I count my blessings.

Be My Guest [5.11]

Sherlock Holmes: A set of keys. Decker must have lost them as he struggled to move the body. Capt. Thomas Gregson: What makes you think they're Decker's? Sherlock Holmes: Let's just say I'm familiar with the lock at his house and leave it at that, shall we? Shinwell Johnson: This antique straight shackle's killing me, Doc. I wanted to get them all done before you got back. Dr. Joan Watson: That one is rusted shut. This is incredible! You picked, what, 20 locks? Shinwell Johnson: Twenty-three counting breaking in here.

Crowned Clown, Downtown Brown [5.12]

Suspect: OK, fine it was me. But it's not illegal to wear a scary costume in public, OK? I checked. Capt. Thomas Gregson: You know what is illegal? Murder. Sherlock Holmes: We checked.

Over a Barrel [5.13]

Det. Marcus Bell: Let me guess, you're already two steps ahead of me. Sherlock Holmes: At least two.

Wrong Side of the Road [5.15]

Kitty Winter: You changed your hair. Lose a bet? Kitty Winter: I'm still not a hugger, Watson. Eli Kotite: This is a private club, so-- Sherlock Holmes: Of which my father is a very influential member, has been most of his life. He also heads up an extremely powerful evil cabal. I can do no wrong within these walls. Sherlock Holmes: So, summing up, we're wrong about everything.

Fidelity [5.16]

Dr. Joan Watson: Who the hell snatches someone from their home and then just dumps them in broad daylight like this? Sherlock Holmes: Agents of the American government. Dr. Joan Watson: So now what? Sherlock Holmes: An American spy has a murderous obsession with a three-year-old vehicular homicide which took place in London. So after I use the toilet, I'm going to ignore his instructions; I'm going to find out why. Kitty Winter: I'm surprised we got a meeting with the managing partner so easily. Sherlock Holmes: Well, I didn't identify myself as Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, but rather Sherlock Holmes, son of Morland. He and a firm like this could do great evil things together. Dr. Joan Watson: I know it sounds crazy, but something about Chinese astronauts, Venezuelan toilet bombs, or gold under the pyramids has gotten everyone killed. We just have to figure out what it was. Sherlock Holmes: It's no mystery. It was a Venezuelan toilet bomb. Sherlock Holmes: I will defer to the

The Ballad of Lady Frances [5.17]

Capt. Thomas Gregson: So [he] was shot over a guitar? Sherlock Holmes: Not just any guitar. According to [his] research, the guitar once belonged to someone named Eric Clapton. Have you heard of him?

Dead Man's Tale [5.18]

Det. Marcus Bell: [in a warehouse with large wooden crates] Am I the only one keeping an eye out for the lost Ark of the Covenant? Sherlock Holmes: It's in a warehouse in Yemen. Det. Marcus Bell: I was joking! Sherlock Holmes: ...So was I.

Fly Into a Rage, Make a Bad Landing [5.21]

Marcus Bell: How the hell could you possibly know that, huh? I'm the one who talked to the guy, not you. Marcus Bell: Yeah, but we're not just trying to hang Chantal's assault on him, we're trying to hang a homicide. Sherlock Holmes: Well, to a man like that, the difference is negligible. Marcus Bell: Look, I just came by to say thanks for being my eyes and ears the last few days. And to let you know that I'm going to talk to someone, about all the stuff that came up that I obviously haven't been dealing with. Sherlock Holmes: I don't presume to know the details of what your father did to you and your family. But, um... I've seen enough parental abuse to know that one thing is always the same: when someone whose job it is to nurture you, hurts you instead, it-it can't help but have a profound and lasting effect on your sense of who you are. I stopped you from beating Ukhov because I didn't want you to throw away your career, but more importantly, I didn't want you to throw away yoursel

Hurt Me, Hurt You [5.24]

You don't wanna say out loud that you run SBK, we get it. But ten people are dead and two of them are kids. So if we double-pinky promise not to arrest you for saying something we all know is true, are you finally gonna start talking to us like a man?!

An Infinite Capacity for Taking Pains [6.1]

Sherlock Holmes: Just waiting for some test results. Dr. Hawes: For me? Sherlock Holmes: Uh, no, someone else. Dr. Hawes: And the reason you're waiting on my table instead of one in your house? Sherlock Holmes: My mother's ghost recently set a room on fire so I've been doing most of my thinking elsewhere. Dr. Hawes: Fine. Don't tell me. Dr. Hawes: Holmes? Something I can help with? Sherlock Holmes: Not yet. But if an autopsy is in the offing, I should know soon enough. Sherlock Holmes: Whether that recovery takes weeks, or months, or if I even get better at all, he couldn't say. Dr. Joan Watson: Stand up. Sherlock Holmes: Excuse me? Dr. Joan Watson: Stand up. Sherlock Holmes: My personality hasn't changed, Watson.

Once You've Ruled Out God [6.2]

Dr. Joan Watson: I don't know how this guy ended up in charge of anything. He's a high school dropout and his whole life is a rap sheet. Sherlock Holmes: Well, you only have to be the brightest bulb of a dim lot. Racist ideology mostly attracts failures and reprobates. Gives them a sense of elevation that they cannot otherwise justify. Dr. Joan Watson: I threw that away for a reason. Sherlock Holmes: You did. But if you were resolved not to read it, why not put it in your shredder instead of the trash? Alternatively, there are several fireplaces in this house. You could have easily have turned it to ash. Dr. Joan Watson: Maybe I'm just lazy. Sherlock Holmes: You most assuredly are not. In this case, I suspect you are leaving yourself room to reconsider. It was a good instinct; I advise you to follow it. Dr. Joan Watson: You're trying the puzzles! Sherlock Holmes: Well, I recognize that, like any potent adversary, PCS is best attacked from different angles. Yesterday I helped foil an in

Pushing Buttons [6.3]

Sherlock Holmes: Gentlemen, we can only really understand six of you at a time. Sherlock Holmes: So a man of average build, or possibly tall, who was infantry or cavalry, fled on foot or in a white van. Sherlock Holmes: This crime was planned well in advance. Our killer was patient and exacting. These are not traits that spring to mind when you read e-mails like, "I'm serious bro. I'll beat yo ass til you see stars in the daytime." Dr. Joan Watson: They're all like this? Sherlock Holmes: No, this one stands out for its proper spelling and punctuation. Victim's daughter: I always told Dad capitalism was going to kill him. Det. Marcus Bell: I don't mean to be difficult, but we can't bring charges against capitalism. Sherlock Holmes: The fact that I'm upright is a credit to our French press.

Bits and Pieces [6.5]

Sherlock Holmes: Have you and I spoken since lunch? I have no memory of the last six hours. Dr. Joan Watson: I'm calling Dr. Hanson. Sherlock Holmes: My head is the less urgent of our concerns at the moment. A short while ago I arrived home carrying this bag and I couldn't recall what was inside so... Well, I looked. Dr. Joan Watson: There is a head in there. Sherlock Holmes: Yes, there is. And I have no idea where I got it.

Sober Companions [6.7]

[after visiting Michael] Yeah, he did it. Not a doubt in my mind.

Sober Companions [6.7]

Dr. Joan Watson: Where did that come from? Sherlock Holmes: Our hacker friends at Everyone. They may be a loose coalition of basement-dwelling anarchists, but they're no fans of serial killers. Would you like to know what it cost? Dr. Joan Watson: Do I have to shave your head again? Sherlock Holmes: Nothing. They forewent my ritual humiliation and provided this gratis. It was almost enough to restore my faith in humanity.

Through the Fog [6.14]

Don't play dumb with me, you're not smart enough.

From Russia with Drugs [7.7]

Sherlock Holmes: Have you forgotten my new color-coding system already? Red lines indicate ownership, blue is a familial relationship, green denotes a financial connection-- Dr. Joan Watson: Pink is for kissing cousins, purple means two suspects sang karaoke duets. Sherlock Holmes: You mock me. Capt. Thomas Gregson: If he did or said something, please tell me. So we can bring it to EEO. Whatever it was, I don't want it happening to anyone else. Det. Bree Novacek: [silence] Capt. Thomas Gregson: What? Det. Bree Novacek: This...thing...you think happened to me, we go to EEO, do you honestly think it's not gonna happen to anyone else? Capt. Thomas Gregson: Dwyer'll be gone. Det. Bree Novacek: I'm not talking about him. I am talking about ALL the others. Dwyer goes down, do you really think that's gonna change anything? That this department's gonna suddenly start being a boys' club? Det. Bree Novacek: [after describing the interim captain's actions] Do you think that's worth ruining his ca

Miss Understood [7.8]

Cassie: You have trust issues. Sherlock Holmes: You have truth issues. Sherlock Holmes: We were thinking we were conduits through which Cassie hoped to reach an ultimate goal. But we're not conduits. We're the goal. Cassie's target is us.