Quotes

Dialogue

Mrs. Singer: He's been depressed. All of a sudden, he can't do anything. Dr. Flicker: Why are you depressed, Alvy? Mrs. Singer: Tell Dr. Flicker. It's something he read. Dr. Flicker: Something you read, huh? Alvy Singer: The universe is expanding. Dr. Flicker: The universe is expanding? Alvy Singer: Well, the universe is everything, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart, and that will be the end of everything. Mrs. Singer: What is that your business? He's stopped doing his homework. Alvy Singer: What's the point? Mrs. Singer: What has the universe got to do with it. You're here, in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is not expanding. Dr. Flicker: It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here. Huh? Huh? Huh? [laughs]

Dialogue

Alvy: [Hearing a man behind him rambling about Marshall McLuhan] What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it. [Turns to the camera] What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind you? It's just...maddening- Man in Theatre Line: [Notices Alvy and walks up to him] Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country! Alvy: Did-did he, he can give you- Do you have give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? And the funny part of it is, Marshall McLuhan; you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan! Man in Theatre Line: Oh really, really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media, and Culture." So I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity! Alvy: Oh, do ya? Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here, so, so, yeah, just lemme lemme lemme — [pulls McLuhan from behind a nearby poster stand] — Come over here for a second. Tell him! M

Dialogue

Robin: There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh, and the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell. Alvy: Yeah? Two more chairs, they got a dining room set.

Dialogue

Alvy: I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. Robin: Commentary. Alvy: Oh, really? I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

Dialogue

Duane: Can I confess something? I tell you this as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline. Alvy: Right. Well, I have to - I have to go now, Duane, because I, I'm due back on the planet Earth.

Dialogue

Alvy: It's all mental masturbation. Annie: Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about. Alvy: Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Dialogue

Annie: Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture. Alvy: You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.

Dialogue

Allison: I'm in the midst of doing my thesis. Alvy: On what? Allison: Political commitment in twentieth century literature. Alvy: You, you, you're like New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, the socialist summer camps and the, the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right, and the really, y'know, strike-oriented kind of, red diaper, stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself. Allison: No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype. Alvy: Right, I'm a bigot, I know, but for the left. Annie: It's so clean out here. Alvy: That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.