Quotes

Dialogue

Edna: Will you turn that racket down? I'm trying to iron here. Tracy: Ma, its not racket, its the Corny Collins Show! Edna: Well, it's turning your brains into mud!

Dialogue

Penny: Without that show I have nothing! Mrs. Pingleton: Having nothing builds character!

Dialogue

Amber: [to one of the dancers] Do that again, and there'll be stumps where your feet are, you got that? You little who- [Link walks up] -Holy moly. Link: [presents Amber with a ring] It’s time. Velma: Amber! [they break apart] Save your personal life for the camera, sweetie! Ooh, shiny! [sends Amber off to makeup for more powder]

Dialogue

Corny: And now it’s time to say goodbye to our very own fun-lovin’, free-wheelin’ little Brenda. Come on up here, Brenda! [Brenda does so] Brenda will be taking a little leave of absence from the show. How long are you gonna be gone, Brenda? Brenda: [smiling nervously] Just nine months.

Dialogue

Detroit sound? What’s that, the cries of people being mugged?

Dialogue

Velma: They’re kids, Corny, that’s why we have to steer them in the white direction. Corny: The right direction? Velma: Didn’t I say that?

Dialogue

Corny: Gee, Velma, how do you fire Corny Collins from The Corny Collins Show? [walks off] Velma: [starts to speak and then pauses, frustrated] They do it all the time on “Lassie”!

Dialogue

Edna: No one is auditioning for anything in this household! Tracy: But why not? Why not? Edna: Because dancing is not your future. One day, you’re going to own "Edna’s Occidental Laundry". Tracy: I don’t want to be a laundress, I want to be famous! Edna: If you want to be famous, learn how to take blood out of car upholstery; That’s a skill you can take right to the bank!

Dialogue

Wilbur: [to Tracy] This is America, babe, you gotta think big to be big. Edna: Big ain’t the problem in this family, Wilbur...

Dialogue

Tracy: I can’t believe I’m really here auditioning [for The Corny Collins Show]! Penny: I can’t believe I’m really here watching you audition.

Dialogue

Tracy: Negro Day’s the best! I wish every day were “Negro Day”! Seaweed: At our house, it is.

Dialogue

Amber: You have to vote for a person, Corny, not one of the Himalayas. Corny: [tightly] Always the charmer, Amber!

Dialogue

Velma: [after The Dynamites perform “The New Girl in Town”] How dare you pick the same song! Maybelle: They wrote it.

Dialogue

Mr. Flak: Oh, and Mr. Larkin, perhaps you’d like to share with the rest of the class Patrick Henry’s immortal last words? Link: [pause] Kiss my ass?

Dialogue

Penny: I’m very pleased and scared to be here. Maybelle: Now, honey, we got more reason to be scared on your street.

Dialogue

Amber: I’m calling because I have some information about your daughter’s whereabouts. Edna: What? Amber: Right now, as we speak, your daughter has entered a hotbed of moral... !urpentine.

Dialogue

[watching Edna walk in] Boy, if we get any more white people in here, this is gonna be a suburb.

Dialogue

Maybelle: Miz Edna, is it? Hi, I mean, you don’t have to rush off, you know. Edna: Well, I do. I left my iron on. Maybelle: Oh, your iron? Well, before you go, are you sure you wouldn't like to have a little something to eat? [shows Edna the soul food spread on the table] Edna: [after a long moment] Is that braised?

Dialogue

Velma Von Tussle: Incredible! I could do a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and you would remain completely obtuse! Wilbur: Obtuse? Velma: Yes, obtuse! Wilbur: I flunked geometry- Velma: Yeah, well, and biology too, no doubt!

Dialogue

[to a sobbing Edna, who thinks that he has been cheating on her with Velma] Honey, it took me five years to figure out you were flirting! How could I ever?

Dialogue

Link: I was just at home, practising my new twist on “The Twist”, when I overheard it on the news. I can’t believe Tracy savagely bludgeoned an Eagle Scout! That’s just not like her! Edna: But it’s not true! I was there! He didn't even bleed!

Dialogue

Penny: Oh, Seaweed, you do care! I was afraid the colors of our skin would keep us apart! Seaweed: No, but these knots might. [still trying to untie her] Was your mom in the Navy?

Dialogue

Inez: [singing] Seaweed’s got a girlfriend! Seaweed: Shut up! Inez: You. Maybelle: [to Seaweed and Penny] Oh, so this is love? [pauses, then smiles] Well, love is a gift; a lot of people don’t remember that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lotta ugly comin’ at you from a never-ending parade of stupid. Penny: [deadpan] Oh, you've met my mother?

Dialogue

Police Chief: [while on the lookout for Tracy] Velma, I seriously doubt she’ll risk incarceration to win a pageant. Velma: [to herself] I risked communicable diseases. She’ll certainly risk jail.

Dialogue

Penny: I am now a checkerboard chick! [kisses Seaweed] Mrs. Pingleton: [sees this on TV, and screams in horror] Penny, no! [tumbles over the coffee table]

Dialogue

Amber: I lost, Mom, Let’s just deal with it! Velma: No, you did not lose! [as she pulls the tallies out of her brassiere] You cannot have lost because I switched the damn tallies! Edna: Smile, Ms. Crab Meat! [camera pans to reveal her and Wilbur standing behind a live television camera] You’re on Candid Camera! Wilbur: That was a good shot, don’t you think? Cameraman: Not bad!

Dialogue

Velma: Corny, do something! This show is turning to gumbo! Corny: Not a chance, Velma - this is the future.