Quotes

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In local news, Edward Nygma's 3D Box has become the rage of Gotham. Rioting occurred last night at electronic stores which were sold out. There is hardly a home without the NygmaTech Box. Critics have claimed the Box turns Gothamites into zombies, but Edward Ngyma just shrugs: "That's what they said when TV was invented."

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Alfred Pennyworth: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir? Batman: I'll get drive-thru.

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Two-Face: You're counting on the winged avenger to deliver you from evil, aren't you, my friend? Bank Guard: Are you gonna kill me? Two-Face: Maybe, maybe not. You could say we're of two minds on the subject. Are you a gambling man? What say we flip for it?

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Batman: I read your work. Insightful. Naive, but insightful. Dr. Chase Meridian: I'm flattered. Not every girl makes a superhero's night table.

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Commissioner Gordon: [about Two-Face] Can we reason with him? He's holding innocent people hostage up there. Dr. Chase Meridian: It won't do any good. He'll slaughter them without thinking twice. Batman: Agreed. A trauma powerful enough to create an alternate personality leaves the victim... Meridian: [interrupting] ...in a world where normal rules of right and wrong no longer apply. Batman: Exactly. Dr. Meridian: Like you. [off his look] Well, let's just say that I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent. Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian. Dr. Meridian: [more intrigued] Really? I did not know that. You are interesting...and call me 'Chase'. [Batman looks back up to the bank, Meridian does the same. As she looks up, Batman then walks away] By the way, do you have a first name, or do we just call you "Bats"? [turns and sees Batman is no longer there]

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Bank Guard: Oh no! It's boiling acid! Two-Face: For your entertainment, we bring you the very acid that made us what we are today!

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Fred Stickley: Mr. Wayne! Bruce Wayne: Hello, Fred. Fred Stickley: Your inspections are a departmental highlight. Edward Nygma: Oh, my God, it's him! [to himself, steeling his nerves] I am a winner, I am a winner, I am a winner! [looking at a green-suited bobblehead figure] I am a winner. [taps it, making it cackle] Fred Stickley: Bioremediation, alternative fuel... [notices Nygma staring and tries to hurry Wayne past him] Ah, Mr. Wayne, look at that time. Perhaps we should get to R&D as soon as possible-- Bruce Wayne: [shaking it] Mister...? Edward Nygma: [awed] Ohhh, Bruce Wayne... Bruce Wayne: No, that's, err, my name. And you are? Edward Nygma: Nygma. Edward. Edward Nygma. You hired me personally. [grinning] Just like I tell everyone. We've never actually met, but your name was on the hiring slip. I have it. Bruce Wayne: I'm gonna need that hand back, Ed. Edward Nygma: [releases it] Oh! Yes, of course, I'm sorry. It's just that... you're my idol. Fred Stickley: Back to work, Edward

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Batman: Commissioner Gordon? Dr. Chase Meridian: [appears] He's at home. I sent the signal. Batman: What's wrong? Dr. Chase Meridian: Last night at the bank I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin: it's his Achilles' heel. It can be exploited. Batman: I know. You called me here for this? The Bat-Signal is not a beeper. Dr. Chase Meridian: Well I wish I could say that my interest in you was...purely professional. Batman: You trying to get under my cape, doctor? Dr. Chase Meridian: A girl can't live by psychoses alone. Batman: It's the car, right? Chicks love the car. Dr. Chase Meridian: What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was boys with earrings. College; motorcycles, leather jackets. Now... [feels his suit, gasps] Black...rubber. Batman: Try firemen, less to take off. [tries to leave] Dr. Chase Meridian: [blocking his way] I don't mind the work. Pity I can't see behind the mask. [putting her hands on Batman's cowl] Batman: [taking her hands away] We all wear

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Edward Nygma: Okay... Now I've got it! Ha! "Too many questions! There's too many questions! Too many..." [makes whinging noises, then points at a photo of Bruce] I'll show you it works! Fred Stickley: What the hell is going on here?! I told you this project is terminated! I'm calling security! Edward Nygma: Caffeine will KILL YA! Edward Nygma: Rise and shine, little guinea pig. Fred Stickley: What are you doing, Nygma? Untie me! Edward Nygma: [also wearing a helmet] This won't hurt. At least, I don't think it will. [winks and grins, then heads over to the controls] Fred Stickley: What are you doing? Nygma, you touch that switch and-- Edward Nygma: Which one, this?! [flicks it and giggles with glee as 3D images appear before an amazed Stickley, then notices a gauge running low] Losing resolution. More power! Edward Nygma: "EDWARD NYGMA, COME ON DOWN! YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON BRAIN DRAIN!" Um, gee, ooh, uh, I'll take what's inside Thick Skull Number One! "What have we got for him, J

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Dr. Chase Meridian: My opinion: this letter writer is a total wacko. Bruce Wayne: "Wacko". That a technical term? Dr. Chase Meridian: "Patient may suffer from obsessional syndrome with potential homicidal tendencies." Does that work better for you? Bruce Wayne: So, what you're saying is, this guy's a total wacko? Dr. Chase Meridian: Exactly. He's obsessed with you. His only escape may be to purge the fixation. Bruce Wayne: To kill me. Dr. Chase Meridian: I think you understand obsession better than you let on. Bruce Wayne: [observes a Rorschach on her wall] You have a thing for bats? Dr. Chase Meridian: Oh, that's a Rorschach, Mr. Wayne. An inkblot. People see what they want. I think the question would be, do you have a thing for bats?

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Two-Face: Ladies, you spoil us! We're of two minds about what to eat first. [Riddler enters behind him and loudly drives his cane into the floor] What?! The Riddler: I hope you made extra. Two-Face: Who the hell are you? The Riddler: Just a friend. [emerging from the shadows] But you can call me...the Riddler. [grins] Two-Face: [grabs him by the collar] We'll call you dead, is more like it! How did you find us here?! Talk! The Riddler: But then if I talked, what would keep you from slaying me, O Segregated One? [looks at Two-Face's disfigurement] By the way, that's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking. Two-Face: Oh? [puts a pistol to Riddler's head] Let's see if you bleed green! The Riddler: Harvey! [Spice laughs mischievously] I don't think it's me you want to kill. That's just too easy for someone as powerful as you... and you. But Batman? [gasps] There's a challenge! Kill the Bat! Sounds like a good idea! [Two-Face feigns modesty] But have you thought it through? A few bullets

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Alfred Pennyworth: May I help you, Master Grayson? Dick Grayson: How come this is the only locked door in this museum? What've you got back here? Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne's dead wives. [Dick gives him a look] The silver closet. On your way.

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The Riddler: Hey, Two-Face! Show me how to punch a guy! Two-Face: It's dirt simple, my boy. Ball up a fist, reach way back, and assert yourself. [punches out cop] The Riddler: Ooh, that looks like fun! Lemme try, lemme try! Two-Face: Ball up a fist... The Riddler: [clenches fist] Ball up a fist! Two-Face: Reach way back... The Riddler: [winds up] Reach way back! Two-Face: And assert yourself. The Riddler: Assert- [punches another cop, but is ineffective] OW!

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Alfred: Apparently, you and Batman have a common enemy. That was with the morning mail. [Bruce opens the envelope, revealing another riddle, the camera cuts to the two of them in the Batcave] "The eight of us go forth, not back; to protect our king from a foe's attack". Bruce Wayne: Chess pawns. Clock...match...all physical objects, man-made. Alfred: Small in size, light in weight. Bruce Wayne: What's the connection? Alfred: With all due respect, sir, I believe that's why they call him "the Riddler".

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Alfred: [in Bruce's monitor watch] I'm sorry to bother you, sir. But I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick. Bruce: What? Is he alright? Alfred: I'm afraid Master Dick has, uhm, gone traveling. Wayne: He ran away? Alfred: Actually, he took...the car. Wayne: He boosted the Jag? Alfred: Not the Jaguar. The other car. Wayne: The Bentley? Alfred: No, sir...the other car.

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Dick Grayson: All I can think about every second of the day is getting Two-Face. He took my whole life. And when I was out there tonight, I imagined it was him that I was fighting, even when I was fighting you. And all the pain went away. Do you understand? Bruce Wayne: Yes, I do. Dick: Good, 'cause you gotta help me find him. And when we do, I'm the one who kills him. Bruce: So, you're willing to take a life. Dick: Long as it's Two-Face. Bruce: Then it will happen this way: you make the kill, but your pain doesn't die with Harvey, it grows. So you run out into the night to find another face, and another, and another, until one terrible morning you wake up and realize that revenge has become your whole life. And you won't know why. Dick: You can't understand. Your family wasn't killed by a maniac. Bruce: Yes, they were. We're the same. Dick: If we're the same, Bruce, help me. Train me, let me be your partner. Bruce: No. I can't. You still have a choice. Dick: Look, Bruce, I'm a part of

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Edward: You're ruining my big party! Are you INSANE?! Two-Face: We're sick of waiting for you to deliver the Batman, dear boy. Edward: Patience, oh bifurcated one- Two-Face: PATIENCE, HELL! WE WANT HIM DEAD! And nothing brings out the Batman like a little murder and mayhem, baby. Edward: Well, at least you could have let me in on the caper! We could have organized this, planned it, presold the movie rights! [sees Batman crash through the ceiling] Your entrance was good; his was better. The difference? Showmanship!

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Dick: You got a real gratitude problem, you know that, Bruce. I need a name! "Batboy"? "Nightwing"? I dunno, what's a good sidekick name? Dick: [hands Alfred his costume] Al, put this next to the Batsuit, where it belongs. [gives Bruce a look before leaving] Bruce: [to Alfred] And you are encouraging him. Alfred: Young men with a mind for revenge need little encouragement. They need guidance. You, above all, should know the consequences of the life you choose.

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Bruce: "We're five little items of an every day sort; you'll find us all in a tennis court". In...a...E, I, O, U. Vowels. Alfred: Not entirely unclever, sir. But, what do a clock, a match, chess pawns, and vowels have in common? What do these riddles mean? Bruce: Every riddle has a number in the question and they write in this order: 13, 1, 8, and 5. Alfred: 13, 1, 8, and 5. Bruce: Maybe, perhaps, letters of the alphabet? Alfred: Of course, 13 is M. Bruce: 1 would be A, 8 would be H, and 5 would be E. Alfred: M-A-H-E... Bruce: Perhaps 1 and 8 are...18? Alfred: 18 is R. M-R-E. Bruce: [makes a realization] How about "Mr. E"? Alfred: "Mystery". Bruce: And another name for mystery? Alfred: Enigma. Bruce: "Mr. E-nigma". Edward Nygma. Stickley's suicide was obviously a computer-generated forgery. Alfred: You really are quite bright, despite what people say.

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Batman: [preparing to attack the Riddler's island] What do you suggest, Alfred? By sea? [activates the Bat-Boat] Or by air? [activates the Bat Wing] Robin: [arriving] Why not both? Batman: [looks over Robin's costume] Who's your tailor? Alfred: I took the liberty, sir. Batman: [notices Robin's logo] "R". What's that stand for? Robin: [gives Alfred a look] "Robin". [Alfred smiles; looks back at Batman] Riddler and Two-Face make a pretty lethal combination. Figured you could use a hand. Batman: Two against two are better odds. Robin: I can't promise that I won't kill Harvey. Batman: "Every man's got to go his own way." A friend told me that. Robin: Not just a friend... [offers his hand] Batman: A partner. [shakes Robin's hand]

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The Riddler: A-14! Two-Face: Hit! The Riddler: Sweet. Two-Face: B-12! The Riddler: Hit! And my favorite vitamin I might add. Two-Face: Oh, that sinking feeling. The Riddler: I like this game! Two-Face: C-9! [the first mine jolts the Batboat, Robin quickly ejects out of the Batboat before the second mine explodes the Batboat] The Riddler: AAH! YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP! Two-Face: Who, me?

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Robin: Holey rusted metal, Batman! Robin: The ground. It's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey. Batman: Oh.

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The Riddler: Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big, black bat? Batman: No more tricks, Edward. The Riddler: Very well, then. Let's get real! Batman: Release Chase. This is between you and me. Two-Face: [entering] And me! [turns to show his scarred side] And me! [he and Riddler laugh] Batman: You've been sucking Gotham's brainwaves, and now you've devised a way to read men's minds. The Riddler: [laughs again] You betcha! Soon my little "Box" will be on countless TVs around the world, feeding me credit card numbers, bank codes, sexual fantasies and little white lies! Into my head they'll go. Victory is inevitable! For if knowledge is power...then a god...am...[in a deep, echoing voice] IIIIIIIIIIIII. [pauses for a moment] Was that over the top? I can never tell! [cackles madly] By the way, I've seen your mind, freak! Yours is the greatest riddle of all! Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, [into a microphone in his cane] let's

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The Riddler: [delirious] Why? Why can't I kill you?! Too many questions, too many questions... Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be, now...because I choose to be.

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Dr. Burton: Thank you for that responding to my request for a consultation, Dr. Meridian. Edward Nygma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman. Dr. Chase Meridian: Edward? Edward Nygma: [from the darkness, in a sing-song tone] Who...is it? Chase: It's Dr. Meridian. Chase. Do you remember me? Edward Nygma: How could I forget? Chase: Dr. Burton tells me you know who Batman is. Edward Nygma: I can't tell you unless you say "please". Chase: Edward, please. Who is Batman? Edward Nygma: [bursting into a view] I'M BATMAN! [laughs manically as he flaps his arms like wings] Chase: Your secret is safe. He is definitely a wacko. Bruce: "Wacko". That a...technical term? [Chase chuckles slightly] Listen... [returns her Malaysian dream warden doll] I won't be needing this anymore. Thank you for giving me a new dream. Chase: Don't work too late.