Quotes

Others

George Fields: [to Dorothy/Michael] I begged you to get therapy. John Van Horne: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] Does Jeff know? Ron Carlisle: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!

Dialogue

George: Where do you come off sending me your roommate's play for you to star in? I'm your agent, not your mother! I'm not supposed to find plays for you to star in - I'm supposed to field offers! And that's what I do! Michael: 'Field offers?' Who told you that, the Agent Fairy? That was a significant piece of work - I could've been terrific in that part. George: Michael, nobody's gonna do that play. Michael: Why? George: Because it's a downer, that's why. Because nobody wants to produce a play about a couple that moved back to Love Canal. Michael: But that actually happened! George: Who gives a shit? Nobody wants to pay twenty dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste! They can see that in New Jersey!

Dialogue

Michael: Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me? George: No, no, that's too limited... nobody in Hollywood wants to work with you either. I can't even send you up for a commercial. You played a tomato for 30 seconds - they went a half a day over schedule because you wouldn't sit down. Michael: Yes - it wasn't logical. George: You were a tomato! A tomato doesn't have logic. A tomato can't move. Michael: That's what I said. So if he can't move, how's he gonna sit down, George? [George sinks into his chair, holding his head in his hands.] I was a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me. I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. I did the best tomato, the best cucumber... I did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.

Dialogue

Sandy: Wish me luck. Michael: [trying to help her keep her anger for an audition] Fuck you. Sandy: Thanks. Michael: Fuck you.

Dialogue

Rita: I'd like to make her look a little more attractive, how far can you pull back? Cameraman: How do you feel about Cleveland? Rita: Knock it off.

Dialogue

Ron: I'm afraid you're not right for this role. Thanks for coming by. Dorothy: Why am I not right, Mister Carlisle? Ron: I'm trying to make a certain statement and I'm looking for a specific physical type. Dorothy: Mr. Carlisle, I'm an actress. I'm a character actress. I can play it any way you want. Ron: I'm sure you're a very good actress. It's just that you're not threatening enough. Dorothy: Not threatening enough? Listen, you take your hands off me or I'll knee your balls right through the roof of your mouth! Is that enough of a threat? Ron: [shaken] It's a start. Dorothy: Oh I know what y'all really want is some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head.

Dialogue

John: I'm just an untalented old has-been. Dorothy: Were you ever famous? John Van Horne: No. Dorothy: Then how can you be a has-been?

Dialogue

George: You are psychotic! Michael: No, I'm not, I'm employed.

Dialogue

Jeff: I'm just afraid that you're going to burn in Hell for all this. Michael: I don't believe in hell. I believe in unemployment, but not hell.

Dialogue

Michael: Wait, I'll call you a cab. Sandy: Don't bother. It's cheaper to get mugged.

Dialogue

Julie: I know I'm pretty and I use it. I just guess I shouldn't have gone to Dr. Brewster's office so late. Dorothy: Well, no, that's not true. You know, Dr. Brewster has tried to seduce several nurses on this ward. Always claiming to be in the throes of an uncontrollable impulse. Do you know what? Ron: [in the control room] Uh-oh. Dorothy: I think I'm gonna give every nurse on this floor an electric cattle prod, and just instruct them to just zap him in his badoobies. Ron: [standing up, outraged] Cattle prod? Dorothy: Ruby? Hi, you wanna open the yellow pages under the section, Farm Equipment retail...

Dialogue

Jeff: [Michael's half dressed as Dorothy, getting ready for a dinner with Julie] What do you mean you don't have anything to wear? Michael: She's seen me in all of these! Jeff: She hasn't seen you in that white dress. Michael: What, this? Jeff: Yeah. Michael: You cannot wear white to a casual dinner. It's too dressy. Jeff: Can't you wear pants? Michael: Pants? Jeff: What about this thing? [holds up a striped dress] Michael: No. I don't have the right shoes for it, I don't like the way the horizontal lines make me look too hippy, and it cuts me across the bust. Jeff: [slight pause] I think we're getting into a weird area here.

Dialogue

Sandy: A guy named Les is sending you flowers? Michael: Yes. He's a friend of mine. He can't eat candy. He's diabetic. Sandy: Why is he thanking you for a lovely night in front of the fire. Michael: [long pause] My mind's a blank. Sandy: Michael, are you gay? Michael: In what sense?

Dialogue

Michael: Friends? Sandy: No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only lovers.

Dialogue

Ron: You don't like me, do you? Now, I can respect that. There's not many women that I can't make like me. Why don't you like me? Dorothy: I don't like the way you treat Julie. I don't like the way you patronize her. I don't like the way you deceive her. I don't like the way you lie to her. Ron: What do you mean? Dorothy: You want me to go on? Ron: No, no. I know what you mean.

Dialogue

Michael: You should have seen the look on her face when she thought I was a lesbian. George: "Lesbian"? You just said gay. Michael: No, no, no - Sandy thinks I'm gay, Julie thinks I'm a lesbian. George: I thought Dorothy was supposed to be straight? Michael: Dorothy IS straight. Tonight Les, the sweetest, nicest man in the world asked me to marry him. George: A guy named Les wants YOU to marry him? Michael: No, no, no - he wants to marry Dorothy. George: Does he know she's a lesbian? Michael: Dorothy's not a lesbian! George: I know that, does he know that? Michael: Know what? George: That, er, I... I don't know.

Dialogue

John: [finishing his drink] Dorothy, I want you. Dorothy: I beg your pardon?

Dialogue

Dorothy/Michael: Thank you, Gordon. Well, I cannot tell you all how deeply moved I am. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the object of so much genuine affection. It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm now going to say. Yes. I do feel it's time to set the record straight. You see, I didn't come here just as an administrator, Dr. Brewster; I came to this hospital to settle an old score. Now you all know that my father was a brilliant man; he built this hospital. What you don't know is that to his family, he was an unmerciful tyrant - a absolute dodo bird. He drove my mother, his wife, to - to drink; in fact, she - uh, she she she went riding one time and lost all her teeth. The son Edward became a recluse, and the oldest daughter - the pretty one, the charming one - became pregnant when she was fifteen years old and was driven out of the house. In fact, she was so terrified that she would, uh, that, uh, that, that, that the baby daughter would bear

Dialogue

Julie: I miss Dorothy. Michael: You don't have to. She's right here. And she misses you. Look, you don't know me from Adam. But I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man. You know what I mean? I just gotta learn to do it without the dress. At this point, there might be an advantage to my wearing pants. The hard part's over, you know? We were already... good friends.