Quotes

Others

[Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!

Others

Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!

Others

Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.

Others

Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?

Others

I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.

Dialogue

Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!" Nun: What does that mean? Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?"

Dialogue

Max: Do you know who I am? Leo: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY! Max: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

Dialogue

Max: Whatta ya say, Bloom? Leo: [sung] What do I say?<br>Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!<br>What do I say?<br>Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!<br>What do I say? What do I say?<br>Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!

Dialogue

Leo: I'm a fountain? Max: [yelling] Yes, you're a fountain!

Dialogue

Max: The two cardinal rules of producing are one: Never put your own money in the show. Leo: And two? Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

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Leo and Max: We can do it! We can do it! Max: Every show I touch I doom! Leo and Max: We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!

Dialogue

Carmen Ghia: He's having a stroke. Max: What?! Carmen Ghia: Of genius!!

Dialogue

Franz Liebkind: [Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear... Leo and Max: [holding up their right forefingers] I solemnly svear... Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas... Leo and Max: To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath... Franz Liebkind: Und! Max: [Switching to his middle finger] Und! Leo: [Switching to his middle finger] Und! Franz Liebkind: [Wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never! Leo and Max: [Flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never. Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler. Leo and Max: Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth? Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens. Max: Is that right? Leo and Max: [shrugging] Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.

Dialogue

Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer. Max: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo? Leo: No, we sure didn't. Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Dialogue

Roger De Bris: [wearing a dress] I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume. Carmen Ghia: We always win. Roger De Bris: I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building. Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed. Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o wicked witch of the west? Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart . . . Bullseye!

Dialogue

Max: Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?" Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany. Max: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it? Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed<br>With dramas so depressed<br>It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway<br>Shows should be more pretty<br>Shows should be more witty<br>Shows should be more... Roger De Bris: [spoken] What's the word? Leo: Gay? Roger De Bris: Exactly!

Dialogue

Donald Dinsmore: I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. " Roger De Bris: NEXT!

Dialogue

Leo: Actors aren't animals! They're human beings! Max: Have you ever eaten with one?

Dialogue

Leo: What's your name? Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson. Max: What's your first name? Ulla: That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name? Max: We don't have the time.

Dialogue

Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition? Leo: That won't be nece- Max: Yes, it is nessa! Extremely nessa!

Dialogue

Leo: [to Ulla] We might have a position for you. Max: Actually, we might have several positions for you.

Dialogue

Leo: So what time can you get here? Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here? Leo and Max: Eleven. Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven! Max: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven... Ulla: Gut dog me venen! Leo and Max: God dag minen venena... ninna... Ulla: God bless America! Max: God bless Sweden!

Dialogue

Leo: Max, I think we're getting in too deep. Max: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

Dialogue

Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again! Roger De Bris: Who was that? Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!

Dialogue

Leo, Max, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: Break a leg! Max: Franz, what happened? Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!

Dialogue

Franz Liebkind: [furiously barges in waving a gun around] You have broken ze Siegfried Oas! YOU MUST DIE! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!! Roger De Bris: What are you doing, you neo-Nazi nitwit? Your show's a hit! Franz Liebkind: Who cares?!? You made a fool out of Hitler! Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: He didn't need our help.

Dialogue

Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us! Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration. Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.

Dialogue

Officer O'Rourke: [Calling down the stairs] What happened? Franz Liebkind: I broke my other leg!

Dialogue

Mailman: Mail call! Hey! Fatso! Max: I'm not that fat! Mailman: Says you.

Dialogue

Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy. Max: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me? Max: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!

Dialogue

Order! Order in the court! AND STOP THAT SAMBA!!! [forcefully slams his gavel]

Dialogue

Leo: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady. Max: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.

Dialogue

Franz: The punishment for breaking the Zigfried Oaths is dess. Max: Dess? Is that anything like 'Death'? Franz: Yeth!

Dialogue

Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"... Max: So is "The Iceman Cometh."

Dialogue

Judge: And who might you be, my dear? Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson... Bloom. Judge: You're HIS wife? Ulla: He wouldn't do it unless we got married! Judge: What a schmuck!

Dialogue

Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... Accountants: [sung] Very, very... unhappy... Unhappy... Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... [spoken] Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold everything! Accountants: [sung] Very, very... unhappy... Unhap... Leo: HOLD EVERYTHING! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on! Mr. Marks: What the hell is going on here? Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?!? Bloom! Where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break. Leo: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you were right about one thing. You are a C.P.A.: a Certified Public ASSHOLE!! Leo: Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish! [sung] I'm gonna be a producer! Chorus Girls: [sung] H

Dialogue

Carmen Ghia: Well as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on you're only half dressed. Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, oh Wicked Witch of the Wessst? Carmen Ghia: [after a long pause] If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... BULLSEYE!

Dialogue

Roger: Well they all just read Springtime, what'd you think of it guys? Bryan: [all sung] It needs glamor Scott: And glitz Kevin: It needs sequins Shirley Markowitz: And tits

Dialogue

Leo: Mr. De Bris... Roger, Roger, actually I think your gown is very stunning. Roger: Why thank you Mr Bloom. Leo. [sniffing] Mmm, what is that enchanting cologne your wearing? Leo: Me? I'm not wearing any cologne. Roger: You mean that smell is you. Oh, God. If I could bottle you I'd shove you under my armpits everyday.

Dialogue

[singing] I'll sign! Roger Elizabeth De Bris! [Max and Leo look up confused, after just finding out the Hitler's middle name was also Elizabeth]

Dialogue

Roger: So Jason, what have you been up to? Jason Green: For ze last 16 years I have been touring in No No Nietzsche. Roger: Ahh, you played Nietzsche? Jason Green: No no. Roger: [making a face] What are you going ta sing? Jason Green: Have you ever heard ze German band? Roger: No. Jason Green: Zat is za name of ze song I am going to sing!

Dialogue

Jaques La Peduex! [both Carmen and Roger look around, but no one steps forward] Jaques La Peduex? [Roger looks at the name card and whispers into Carmen's ear] Jack Lapidus?