Quotes

A Study in Pink

Therapist: How's your blog going? John Watson: Yeah, good. Very good. Therapist: You haven’t written a word, have you? John Watson: You just wrote "still has trust issues." Therapist: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you. John Watson: Nothing happens to me.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock Holmes: [Unzips a body-bag, smiles at what he sees] How fresh? Molly Hooper: Just in. 67. Natural causes. He used to work here. I knew him, he was nice. Sherlock Holmes: Fine. We'll start with the riding crop. Molly Hooper: Bad day, was it? Sherlock Holmes: I need to know what bruises form in the next twenty minutes. A man's alibi depends on it. Text me. Molly Hooper: Listen, I was wondering. Maybe later when you're finished— Sherlock Holmes: You're wearing lipstick. You weren't wearing lipstick before. Molly Hooper: I, uh, I refreshed it a bit. Sherlock Holmes: [beat] Sorry. You were saying? Molly Hooper: I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee? Sherlock Holmes: Black, two sugars please. I'll be upstairs. Molly Hooper: ...Okay.

A Study in Pink

John: [Looking around at the morgue's lab equipment] Bit different from my day. Mike: You've no idea. Sherlock: Mike, can I borrow your phone? There's no signal on mine. Mike: And what's wrong with the landline? Sherlock: I prefer to text. Mike: Sorry, it's in my coat. John: Er, here, use mine. Sherlock: Oh, thank you. Mike: This is an old friend of mine, John Watson. Sherlock: Afghanistan or Iraq? John: Sorry? Sherlock: Which one was it? In Afghanistan or Iraq? John: Afghanistan. Sorry, how did you...? Sherlock: Ah, Molly, coffee, thank you. What happened to the lipstick? Molly: It wasn't working for me. Sherlock: Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth's too small now. Molly: ...Okay. Sherlock: How do you feel about the violin? John: I'm sorry, what? Sherlock: I play the violin when I'm thinking and sometime I don't talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other. John: You told him about me? Mike: Not a word. Joh

A Study in Pink

John: [upon first seeing Baker Street] Well this is a prime spot. Must be expensive. Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, is giving me a special deal. She owes me a favour. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out. John: You stopped her husband from being executed? Sherlock: Oh, no. I ensured it.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Brilliant! YES! Four serial suicides and now a note! Oh, it's Christmas! Mrs. Hudson, I'll be late. Put the kettle on. [Rushes out] Mrs. Hudson: I had a husband like that once, always rushing about. But I can see you're more the sitting-down type. I'll get some tea, and you just rest your leg. John: DAMN MY LEG! Sorry! I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this thing is just... Mrs. Hudson: I understand, dearie. I've got a hip.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: You're an army doctor. John: Yes. Sherlock: Any good? John: Very good. Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths? John: Well, yes. Sherlock: Bit of trouble too, I bet. John: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much. Sherlock: [beat] Want to see some more? John: Oh, God, yes.

A Study in Pink

The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Okay, you've got questions. John: Yeah. Where are we going? Sherlock: Crime scene. Next? John: Who are you? What do you do? Sherlock: What do you think? John: I'd say private detective... Sherlock: But... John: But the police don't go to private detectives. Sherlock: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job. John: What does that mean? Sherlock: It means whenever the police are out of their depth—which is always—they consult me. John: [scoffs] The police don't consult amateurs. [Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile.] Sherlock: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised. John: Yes. How did you know? Sherlock: I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. But your conversation as you entered the room said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists: you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Did I get anything wrong? John: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker. Sherlock: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything. John: Harry's short for Harriet. Sherlock: [stops walking] Harry's your sister. John: What exactly am I supposed to be doing here? Sherlock: [starts to stride along] Sister! John: No, seriously, what am I doing here? Sherlock: There's always something.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again. Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated! Are we clear on that? Sherlock: Quite clear. And is your wife away for long? Anderson: Oh don't pretend you worked that out! Somebody told you that! Sherlock: Your deodorant told me that. Anderson: My deodorant. Sherlock: It's for men. Anderson: Well of course it's for men! I'm wearing it! Sherlock: So's Sergeant Donovan. [sniffs] Ooh... I think it just vaporised. May I go in? Anderson: Now look, whatever you're implying— Sherlock: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floors, going by the state of her knees.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Shut up. Detective Inspector Lestrade: I didn't say anyth— Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.

A Study in Pink

Lestrade: Cardiff? Sherlock: It's obvious, isn't it? John: It's not obvious to me. Sherlock: Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

A Study in Pink

Anderson: [In the doorway] She's German. "Rache," German for revenge, she could be trying to tell us— Sherlock: [Interrupts, sarcastically] Yes, thank you for your input. [Shuts the door in Anderson's face]

A Study in Pink

John: You don't have a girlfriend, then? Sherlock: Girlfriend? No, not really my area. John: Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way— Sherlock: I know it's fine. John: So you've got a boyfriend? Sherlock: No. John: Right, okay. You're unattached, just like me. Fine. Good. Sherlock: [After an awkward pause] John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I'm— John: No— Sherlock: —really not looking for anyone— John: No. I'm not asking— no. I was just saying. Its all fine. Sherlock: Good. Thank you.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: [about the murder victim] Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff. John: That's fantastic! Sherlock: Do you know you do that out loud? John: Sorry. I'll shut up. Sherlock: No, it's... fine.

A Study in Pink

That's clever. Is it clever? Why is it clever?

A Study in Pink

We've got a serial killer on our hands. Love those, there's always something to look forward to.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Did he offer you money to spy on me...? John: Yes. Sherlock: Did you take it? John: ...No? Sherlock: Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.

A Study in Pink

John: You got all that because you realised the case would be pink? Sherlock: Well, it had to be pink, obviously. John: Why didn't I think of that? Sherlock: Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.

A Study in Pink

Anderson: We found the case! According to someone, "the murderer has the case". And we found it in the hands of our favourite psychopath! Sherlock: [with contempt] I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: You can't just break into my flat! Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence! And I didn't break in to your flat. Sherlock: Well what do you call this then? Lestrade: It's a drugs bust! John: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him? Sherlock: John. John: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything that you could call recreational. Sherlock: John, you might want to shut up now. John: Yeah, but come on... no... Sherlock: What? John: ...You? Sherlock: Shut up. [To Lestrade] I'm not your sniffer dog. Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog. Sherlock: What, A— [spots Anderson] Anderson? What are you doing here on a drugs bust?! Anderson: Oh I volunteered. Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking on the drug squad, but they're very keen. Donovan: Are these human eyes? Sherlock: Put those back! Donovan: They were in the microwave! Sherlock: It's an experiment!

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off. Anderson: What, my face is? Lestrade: Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back. Anderson: Oh, for God's sake... Lestrade: Your back! Now, please!

A Study in Pink

Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.

A Study in Pink

Lestrade: But how...? Sherlock: ...What do you mean how? Sherlock: Rachel! ...Don't you see? Rachel! Sherlock: ...Ha. Look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

A Study in Pink

Lestrade: Maybe it was in the case when you brought it back. And it fell out somewhere. Sherlock: What? And I didn't notice it? Me?

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Where are we? Taxi Driver: You know exactly where we are, you know every street in London. Sherlock: Roland-Kerr further education college. Why here?" Taxi Driver: It's open, the cleaners are in. Thing about being a cabbie, you always know a quiet spot for a murder. I'm surprised more of us don't branch out. Sherlock: And you just walk your victims in? How? [Taxi Driver pulls a gun on Sherlock] Oh, dull!

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Bit of a risk, wasn't it? You took me away under the noses of about half a dozen policemen - they're not that stupid. And Mrs. Hudson will remember you. Taxi Driver: Call that a risk? Nah. This is a risk. Taxi Driver: Oh, I like this bit. 'Cos you don't get it yet, do you? But you're about to. I just have to do... this! Taxi Driver: Weren't expecting that, were you? Oh, you are gonna love this. Sherlock: Love what? Taxi Driver: Sherlock Holmes! Look at you. Here in the flesh. That website of yours! Your fan told me about it. Sherlock: My fan? Taxi Driver: You are brilliant, you are - you are a proper genius. "The Science of Deduction". Now that's proper thinking. Now between you and me, sitting here, why can't people think? Doesn't it drive you mad? Why can't people just think? Sherlock: Oh, I see. So you're a proper genius too. Taxi Driver: Don't look it, do I? Funny little man, driving a cab. But you'll know better in a minute. Chances are, it will be the last thing you eve

A Study in Pink

Taxi Driver: Are you ready yet, Mr. Holmes? Ready to play. Sherlock: Play what? It's a 50-50 chance. Taxi Driver: You're not playing the numbers - you're playing me. Did I give you the good pill, or the bad pill. Is it a bluff, double-bluff, triple-bluff? Sherlock: It's still chance. Taxi Driver: Four people, in a row. It's not chance. Sherlock: It's luck. Taxi Driver: That's genius. I know how people think. I know how people think I think. I can see it all like a map inside my head. Everyone's so stupid. Even you. Of course - maybe God just loves me. Sherlock: Either way, you're wasted as a cabbie.

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: You risked your life four times... just to kill strangers? Why? Taxi Driver: Time to play. Sherlock: I am playing. This is my go. There's shaving foam behind your left ear, and no one's around to point it to you. There are traces of where it's happened before, so clearly you live alone - there's no one to tell you. But you have photographs of children. The children's mother has been cut out of the photograph - if she'd died, she's still be there. The photograph is old , but the frame is new. You think of your children, but you don't get to see them. Estranged father. She took the kids, but you still love them, and it still hurts. Oh, but there's more! Your clothes are freshly laundered, but everything you're wearing is at least three years old. Keeping up appearances, but not planning ahead. And here you are, on a kamikaze murder spree, what's that about? Ah! Three years ago, is that when they told you? Taxi Driver: Told me what? Sherlock: That you're a dead man walking. Taxi

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: No. No, there's something else. You haven't killed four people because you're bitter. Bitterness is a paralytic - love is a much more vicious motivator. Somehow, this is about your children. Taxi Driver: Oh, you are good, aren't you? Sherlock: But how? Taxi Driver: When I die, they won't get much, my kids. Not a lot of money in driving cabs. Sherlock: Or serial killing. Taxi Driver: You'd be surprised. Sherlock: Surprise me. Taxi Driver: I have a sponsor. Sherlock: You have a what? Taxi Driver: For every life I take, money goes to my kids. The more I kill, the better off they'll be. You see? Nicer than you think. Sherlock: Who would sponsor a serial killer? Taxi Driver: Who would be a fan of Sherlock Holmes? You're not the only person who enjoys a good murder. There's someone else out there, just like you. Except you're just a man. And he's so much more. Sherlock: Who? What do you mean, more? Who is he? Tell me. Taxi Driver: There's a name that no one says. I'm not saying it

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Was I right? I was, wasn't I? Did I get it right? (The cabbie is silent. Sherlock dashes the pill in frustration) OK then, tell me this - your sponsor. Who is it? The one who told you about me. I want a name. Taxi Driver: No... Sherlock: (places his foot on the cabbie's wound and presses down) There's still time to hurt you. Give me a name, now. A name. Now! Name him! Taxi Driver: MORIARTY! (dies)

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: [sitting in the back of an ambulance as a paramedic throws a garish orange blanket over his shoulders] Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me! Lestrade: Yeah, that's for shock. Sherlock: I'm not in shock! Lestrade: Yeah... but some of the guys want to take photographs.

A Study in Pink

Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them might have been following him, but we've got nothing to go on. Sherlock: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Lestrade: Ok, give me? Sherlock: The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot like that over that distance from that sort of weapon, you're looking for a crack shot but not just a marksman, his hands mustn't have shaken at all so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger so obviously has a strong moral principle. You're looking for someone probably with a history of military service and nerves of steel... [sees John and suddenly realises] Actually, you know what? Ignore me. Lestrade: ...Sorry? Sherlock: Ignore all of that. It's just the, uh, shock talking. Lestrade: Wait, where are you going? Sherlock: I just need to, uh, talk about the rent— Lestrade: But I still have questions for you! Sherlock: Oh, what, now? I

A Study in Pink

Sherlock: Are you alright? John: Yes, of course I'm alright. Sherlock: Well, you have just killed a man. John: Yes... that's true, isn't it... but he wasn't a very nice man. Sherlock: No... no, he wasn't really, was he? John: No, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie. Sherlock: That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should've seen the route he took us to get here. John: Stop it! We can't giggle at a crime scene. Sherlock: You're the one who shot him, now let me John: Can you keep your voice down Mycroft Holmes: For goodness sake! I occupy a minor position in the British Government. Sherlock: He is the British Government when he's not too busy being the British Secret Services or the CIA on a freelance basis. Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does for the traffic.

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: You took your time. John: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping. Sherlock: What? Why not? John: Because I had a row... in the shop... with a chip and pin machine! Sherlock: You had a row with a machine? John: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse at it.

The Blind Banker

DI Dimmock: We're obviously looking at a suicide. John: It does seem the only explanation of all the facts. Sherlock: Wrong! It's one possible explanation of some of the facts. You've got a solution that you like, but you're choosing to ignore anything you see that doesn't comply with it.

The Blind Banker

John: What are we gonna do now, then? Sit here and wait for him to come back? [Sherlock notices the label of Ms. Wintle, who lives directly above Van Coon] Sherlock: Just moved in. John: What? Sherlock: Floor above. New label. John: Could've just replaced it. Sherlock: No one ever does that. [presses button] Ms. Wintle: Hello? Sherlock: Hi! Um, I live in the flat just below you. Yeah, I don't think we've met! Ms. Wintle: No, well, er, I've just moved in. Sherlock: [grimaces] Actually, I just locked my keys in my flat! Sherlock: Yeah. And can I use your balcony? Ms. Wintle: What? John: Sherlock? [Sherlock continues to search] Sherlock? You okay? Any time you feel like letting me in? [Sherlock sees Van Coon's dead body. Cut to crime scene technicians taking photos of the body, as Sherlock and John stand by] John: You think he lost a lot of money? Suicide is common among city boys. Sherlock: It never was suicide. John: Come on. The door was locked from the inside. You had to climb down th

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: I said "Can you pass me a pen?" John: What? When? Sherlock: About an hour ago. John: Didn't notice I'd gone out then?

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: Fourth floor. That's why they think they're safe. Put the chain on the door, bolt it shut. They think they're impregnable. [spots the skylight] They never consider for a moment there's another way in. DI Dimmock: I don't understand. Sherlock: We're looking for a killer who can climb. DI Dimmock: Wh-what are you doing? Sherlock: Clings to the walls like an insect. That's how he got in. DI Dimmock: What? Sherlock: Climbed up the side of the walls, ran along the roof, dropped in through this skylight. DI Dimmock: You're not serious. Like Spider-Man? Sherlock: He scaled six floors of a Docklands apartment building to kill Van Coon. DI Dimmock: Hold on. Sherlock: That's how he got into the bank: he ran along the roof and onto the terrace.

The Blind Banker

John: Where are we headed? Sherlock: I need to ask some advice. John: What? Sorry? Sherlock: You heard me perfectly, I'm not saying it again.

The Blind Banker

Raz: Part of my new exhibition. Sherlock: Interesting. Raz: I call it Urban, uh, Bloodlust Frenzy. [sprays away] John: Mm. Catchy. Raz: I've got two minutes before a community support officer comes round that corner. Can we maybe talk whilst I'm working? [Sherlock hands Raz his phone and he scrolls through photos of the ciphers from the bank. Raz hands John his spray paint can] Sherlock: Know the author? Raz: Recognise the paint. Looks like Michigan, hardcore propellant. I'd say zinc. Sherlock: And what about the symbols? Do you recognize them? Raz: It's not a tag. I'm not even sure it's a proper language. Sherlock: Two men have been murdered, Raz. Deciphering this - it’s the key to finding who killed them. Raz: This is all you got? Not much to go on. Sherlock: You think you could help out? Raz: I'll ask around. Sherlock: Someone must recognize it. [Two community police officers notice them and come running around the bend] Community Support Officer: Oi! [Sherlock and Raz take off, lea

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: You've been a while. John: Yeah, well, you know how it is, custody sergeants don't really like to be hurried, do they? Just... formalities: fingerprints, chart sheet... and I've got to be in Magistrates' Court on Tuesday. Sherlock: What? John: Me, Sherlock, in court on Tuesday! They're giving me an ASBO! Sherlock: [not paying attention] Good, fine.

The Blind Banker

DI Dimmock: Your friend... John: Listen, whatever you say, I'm behind you one hundred percent. DI Dimmock: He's an arrogant sod. John: ...Well, that was mild.

The Blind Banker

[when Sherlock is not answering the door] Okay, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone, because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!

The Blind Banker

John: You've gone all croaky, you getting a cold? Sherlock: [wheezes] I'm fine.

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: John, concentrate. I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes. John: Wh-what? Why? Why? What are you doing? Sherlock: I need you to maximise your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it? John: Yeah... Sherlock: Can you remember it? John: Yes, definitely! Sherlock: You remember the pattern? John: Yes! Sherlock: How much can you remember it? John: Well, don't worry! Sherlock: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62% accurate. John: Yeah, well, don't worry, I remember all of it. Sherlock: Really? John: Yeah, well, at least I would, if I could get to my pockets! Took a photograph... Sherlock: Oh...

The Blind Banker

Fancy a biscuit with that? Centuries old...don't want to break that...

The Blind Banker

Careful! Some of those skulls are over two hundred thousand years old! Have a bit of respect! [gunfire stops, silence] ...Thank you!

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: I need to get some air; we're going out tonight. John: Actually, I've got a date. Sherlock: What? John: It's when two people who like each other go out and have fun... Sherlock: That's what I was suggesting. John: No, it wasn't. At least, I hope not.

The Blind Banker

John: Hi, I have two tickets reserved for tonight. Box office agent: And what's the name? John: Uh, Holmes. Box office agent: Actually I have three in that name. John: No, I don't think so. We only booked two. Sherlock: [from off screen] And then I phoned back and got one for myself as well.

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: We'll just sneak off, no need to mention this in your report. DI Dimmock: Mr. Holmes... Sherlock: I have high hopes for you, Inspector, a glittering career... DI Dimmock: If I go where you point me? Sherlock: Exactly!

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: How would you describe me John, resourceful, dynamic, enigmatic? John: Late?

The Great Game

Convict: Mr. Holmes. Everyone says you're the best. Without you, I'll get hung for this. Sherlock: No, no, no, Mr. Bewick. Not at all. "Hanged," yes.

The Great Game

John: What the HELL are you doing?! Sherlock: Bored... John: What? Sherlock: BORED! [continues to shoot wall] BORED! BORED! [stops, hands the gun to Watson] Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them. John: So you take it out on the wall? Sherlock: Oh, the wall had it coming. John: What about that Russian case? Sherlock: Belarus? Open and shut domestic murder. Not worth my time. John: [dryly] Oh, shame!

The Great Game

John: Anything in? I'm starving. John: Oh, f… It's a head. A severed head! Sherlock: Just tea for me, thanks. John: No, there's a head in the fridge! Sherlock: Yes? John: A bloody head! Sherlock: Where else am I supposed to put it? You don't mind, do you? I got it from the Barts morgue. I'm measuring the coagulation of saliva after death. See you've written up the taxi driver case. John: Um, yes. Sherlock: "A Study In Pink". Nice. John: Well, you know. A pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it? Sherlock: Um, no! John: Why not? I thought you'd be flattered. Sherlock: Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds. What's incredible, though, is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things." John: Now hang on a minute, I didn't mean that— Sherlock: [sarcastic] Oh, you meant "spectacularly ignorant" in a nice way! Look, it doesn't matter to me who's Prime Minister, or who's sleeping with whom— John: [somewhat bitterly] Or that

The Great Game

Look at that, Mrs. Hudson. Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Isn't it hateful?

The Great Game

John: There are lives at stake, Sherlock! Actual human live— Just, just so I know, do you care about that at all? Sherlock: Will caring about them help save them? John: [angrily] Nope! Sherlock: Then I'll continue not to make that mistake. John: And you find that easy, do you? Sherlock: Yes, very. Is that news to you? John: No. [pause] No. Sherlock: [realising] ...I've disappointed you. John: [sarcastically] That's good, that's good deduction, yeah. Sherlock: Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them.

The Great Game

John: [After a signature Sherlock monologue] Fantastic. Sherlock: Meretricious. Lestrade: And a happy New Year.

The Great Game

Sherlock: [watching television] No, no, NO! Of course he's not the boy's father! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans! John: I knew it was dangerous. Sherlock: Hmm? John: Getting you into crap telly.

The Great Game

Sherlock: Brought you a little getting to know you present. Oh, that's what it's all been for isn't it? All your little puzzles, making me dance... all to distract me from this. John: [being dictated by the bomber] Evening. This is a turn up, isn't it, Sherlock? Sherlock: John... What the hell— John: Bet you never saw this coming. [John opens his coat and reveals his explosive vest] What would you like me to make him say next? Gottle o' geer, gottle o' geer, gottle o— Sherlock: Stop it. John: Nice touch, this the pool... where little Carl died. I stopped him and I can stop John Watson too. Stop his heart. Sherlock: Who are you? Jim Moriarty: [Enters through a side door] I gave you my number. I thought you might call. Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me? Sherlock: [Draws the gun, points it at Moriarty] Both. Moriarty: Jim Moriarty... Hi. Jim? Jim from the hospital? Oh, did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then I suppose tha

The Great Game

John: Oh, Christ. Ffff— Are you okay? Sherlock: Me? Yeah. Fine. I'm fine. Fine. ...That, uh, thing that you, uh, you did that, um, you offered to do, that was, um... good. John: Well, I'm glad no one saw that. Sherlock: Mm? John: You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk. Sherlock: People do little else. [smiles]

The Great Game

Moriarty: [returning to the room] Sorry, boys! I'm soooo changeable. It is a weakness with me, but to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you, but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind. Sherlock: Then probably my answer has crossed yours. [points gun at Moriarty, then points it down at John's explosive coat on the floor.]

A Scandal in Belgravia

Jim Moriarty: Mind if I get that? Sherlock Holmes: Oh no, please. You've got the rest of your life. Jim Moriarty: Hello? ... Yes, of course it is, what do you want? [Mouthing to Sherlock] Sorry! Sherlock Holmes: [Mouthing back sarcastically] Oh, it's fine! Jim Moriarty: [Listens to the phone for a moment, then shouts] SAY THAT AGAIN! [normal voice] Say that again and know if you are lying to me, I will find you and I will skin you!

A Scandal in Belgravia

Little Girl: They wouldn't let us see Grandad when he was dead. Is that cos he'd gone to heaven? Sherlock Holmes: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned. John Watson: Sherlock...

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating? Sherlock Holmes: It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream. John Watson: I didn't really mean for you. Sherlock Holmes: Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass. John Watson: When did we agree that? Sherlock Holmes: We agreed it yesterday. John Watson: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin. Sherlock Holmes: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening. John Watson: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away? Sherlock Holmes: I don't know, how often are you away?

A Scandal in Belgravia

There is a mute button and I will use it.

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: Are you wearing any pants? Sherlock Holmes: ...No. John Watson: Okay.

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what? Sherlock Holmes: I don't know. John Watson: Here to see the Queen? Sherlock Holmes: Oh, apparently yes. Mycroft Holmes: Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups? John Watson: We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Mycroft Holmes: We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on! Sherlock Holmes: What for?

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases; both ends is too much work. [to the equerry who brought him in] Good morning. Mycroft Holmes: This is a matter of national importance. Grow up. Sherlock Holmes: [through gritted teeth] Get off my sheet! Mycroft Holmes: Or what? Sherlock Holmes: Or I'll just walk away. Mycroft Holmes: I'll let you. John Watson: Boys, please. Not here. Sherlock Holmes: Who. Is. My. Client?! Mycroft Holmes: Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now FOR GOD'S SAKE... [forcibly calms himself] put your clothes on!

A Scandal in Belgravia

Mycroft Holmes: I'll be mother. Sherlock Holmes: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: Who is she? Mycroft Holmes: Irene Adler. Professionally known as ‘The Woman’. Mycroft Holmes: There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'Dominatrix'. Sherlock Holmes: Dominatrix? Mycroft Holmes: Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex. Sherlock Holmes: Sex doesn't alarm me. Mycroft Holmes: [smirking] How would you know? [Sherlock just looks at him] She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face. John Watson: Punch you? Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me? John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, for God's sake! [He punches John in the face. John punches him back] Thank you, John, that was-- [John tackles Sherlock and grabs him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now-- John Watson: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people! Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor! John Watson: I had bad days!

A Scandal in Belgravia

Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?

A Scandal in Belgravia

Irene Adler: D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait. Sherlock Holmes: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face? Irene Adler: I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face, [Looks at John] I'd avoid your nose and teeth too. John Watson: [Laughs] Could you put something on please, anything at all... a napkin? Irene Adler: Why? Are you feeling exposed? Sherlock Holmes: I don't think John knows where to look. [Stands up and offers coat to Irene] Irene Adler: No, I think he knows exactly where. [Stands in front of John] I'm not sure about you. [Takes coat from Sherlock] Sherlock Holmes: If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop. John Watson: You do borrow my laptop. Sherlock Holmes: I confiscate it.

A Scandal in Belgravia

I like detective stories - and detectives. Brainy is the new sexy.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Vatican cameos!

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: We should call the police! Sherlock Holmes: Yes. [fires a gun repeatedly into the air] On their way. John Watson: For God's sake... Sherlock Holmes: Oh shut up, it's quick.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Mrs Hudson: It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes. Mycroft Holmes: Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson. Sherlock Holmes and John Watson: Mycroft! Mycroft Holmes: [A long pause] Apologies. Mrs Hudson: Thank you. Sherlock Holmes: Though do in fact shut up. Sherlock Holmes: No thank you Sarah. John Watson: [hurriedly trying to turn her away] Uh, no, no, no, no, no. He’s not good with names. Sherlock Holmes: No-no-no, I can get this. No, Sarah was the doctor; and then there was the one with the spots; and then the one with the nose; and then ... who was after the boring teacher? Jeanette: Nobody. Sherlock Holmes: Jeanette! [grins falsely at her] Ah, process of elimination.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Molly Hooper: How’s the hip? Mrs Hudson: Ooh, it’s atrocious, but thanks for asking. Molly Hooper: I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems. Molly Hooper: Oh, God. Sorry. Sherlock Holmes: Don't make jokes Molly. Molly Hooper: No. Sorry. [Lestrade hands her a glass of red wine] Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you were gonna be in Dorset for Christmas. Lestrade: That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife. We’re back together. It’s all sorted. Sherlock Holmes: [offhandedly] No, she's sleeping with a P.E. teacher. Molly Hooper: And John. I hear you’re off to your sister’s, is that right? John Watson: Yeah. Molly Hooper: Sherlock was complaining- [gets a dirty look from Shelock] -Saying... John Watson: First time ever, she’s cleaned up her act. She’s off the booze. Sherlock Holmes: [offhandedly] Nope. John Watson: Shut up Sherlock.

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: I am really sorry. Jeanette: You know, my friends are so wrong about you. John Watson: Hmm? Jeanette: You're a great boyfriend. John Watson: [surprised] Okay, that’s good. I mean, I always thought I was great. Jeanette: And Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man. John Watson: [groans] Jeanette please- Jeanette: No, I mean it. It’s heart-warming. You’ll do anything for him – and he can’t even tell your girlfriends apart. John Watson: No, I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me what it is I’m not doing. Tell me! Jeanette: Don’t make me compete with Sherlock Holmes. John Watson: I’ll walk your dog for you. Hey, I’ve said it now. I’ll even walk your dog- Jeanette: I don't have a dog! John Watson: No, because that was...the last one. Okay. Jeanette: Jesus! John Watson: I'll call you! Jeanette: No! John Watson: Okay. Mrs Hudson: That really wasn’t very good, was it?

A Scandal in Belgravia

[to Mycroft]: How did Sherlock recognise her from -- not her face?

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us? Mycroft Holmes: All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: [On Sherlock] He will outlive God trying to have the last word. Irene Adler: Does that make me special? John Watson: I don't know, maybe. Irene Adler: Are you jealous? John Watson: We're not a couple. Irene Adler: Yes you are. [Texting] There. "I'm not dead. Let's have dinner." John Watson: Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but... for the record, if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay. Irene Adler: Well, I am. Look at us both.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Mrs Hudson: Oh, Sherlock! Sherlock Holmes: Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet. What a tender world that would be.

A Scandal in Belgravia

CRIME IN PROGRESS. PLEASE DISTURB.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Mrs Hudson's been attacked by an American. I'm restoring balance to the universe.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window. Mrs. Hudson: Oh, it stings. [Neilson falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins. [Neilson is heard groaning in agony] DI Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out the window? Sherlock Holmes: Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

A Scandal in Belgravia

John Watson: She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her. Mrs Hudson: No. Sherlock Holmes: Nonsense, she's fine. John Watson: No she's not, look at her! She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. [To Mrs Hudson] Doctor's orders. Sherlock Holmes: Don't be absurd. John Watson: She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone! Where is it, anyway? Sherlock Holmes: Safest place I know. Mrs Hudson: You left it in the pocket of your second best dressing gown, you clot. [Hands the phone to Sherlock] I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry. Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson! John Watson: Shame on me? Sherlock Holmes: Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!

A Scandal in Belgravia

Irene Adler: I told you that camera phone was my life. I know when it's in my hands. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you're rather good. Irene Adler: You're not so bad. John Watson: Hamish [Both turn and stare at him] John Hamish Watson. Just if you were looking for baby names.

A Scandal in Belgravia

[Revealing Irene Adler's very small safe] Really hope you don't have a baby in here.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: ‎Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing, John's expressed that in every possible variant available to the English language. Irene Adler: I would have you, right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice. Sherlock Holmes: ...John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right? John Watson: [Looking stunned]...I'm on it, yeah. Sherlock Holmes: ...I've never begged for mercy in my life. Irene Adler: Twice.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Sherlock Holmes: Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side. Irene Adler: Sentiment? What are you talking about? Sherlock Holmes: You' Irene Adler: Oh, dear God. Look at the poor man. You don't actually think I was interested in you? Why? Because you're the great Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat? Sherlock Holmes: No...[Takes her hand and leans in to whisper] because I took your pulse. Elevated. Your pupils dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love’s a mystery to me, but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met, you told me that a disguise is always a self-portrait, how true of you, the combination to your safe – your measurements. [Holds up her phone] But this, this is far more intimate. This is your heart, and you should never let it rule your head. [He starts entering digits] You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you worked for. But you just couldn't resist it, could y

A Scandal in Belgravia

Irene Adler: Are you expecting me to beg? Sherlock Holmes: [Neutral] Yes. Irene Adler: Please. You're right, I won't even last six months. Sherlock Holmes: I’m sorry about dinner.

A Scandal in Belgravia

Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart? John Watson: I don't know. Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.

A Scandal in Belgravia

When I say run … run!

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: Well that was tedious. John Watson: You went on the Tube like that? Sherlock Holmes: None of the cabs would take me.

The Hounds of Baskerville

John Watson: Go after her and apologise. Sherlock Holmes: Apologise? Oh John, I envy you so much. John Watson: You envy me? Sherlock Holmes: Your mind; it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control; a rocket tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launchpad... I need a case! John Watson: You just solved one! By harpooning a dead pig, apparently! Sherlock Holmes: Oh, that was this morning. When's the next one? John Watson: Nothing on the website? [Sherlock stands and hands John a laptop showing a message on "the Science of Deduction" website] Sherlock Holmes: "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?" John Watson: Bluebell? Sherlock Holmes: A rabbit, John! John Watson: Oh. Sherlock Holmes: Ah but there's more; before Bluebell disappeared it turned luminous like a fairy according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone! Hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. [gas

The Hounds of Baskerville

Henry Knight: How on earth did you notice all that? John Watson: It's not important... Sherlock Holmes: Punched out holes where your ticket's been changed... John Watson: Not now, Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please. I've been cooped up here for ages. John Watson: You're just showing off. Sherlock Holmes: Of course. I am a show-off, that's what we do.

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: Look at me. I'm afraid, John. Afraid. John Watson: Sherlock... Sherlock Holmes: I've always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see, body's betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions... grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment. John Watson: All right, Spock, just take it easy.

The Hounds of Baskerville

John Watson: Why would you listen to me? I'm just your friend. Sherlock Holmes: I don't have "friends"! John Watson: No. Wonder why?

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: Listen, what I said before John, I meant it. I don't have friends; I've just got one. John Watson: [Nods] Right. [Continues walking away] Sherlock Holmes: [Calling after him] John? John! [Running after him] You are amazing, you are fantastic! John Watson: Yes, alright, don't have to overdo it.

The Hounds of Baskerville

John Watson: You know he is actually pleased you are here? Secretly pleased. D.I. Lestrade: Is it? That´s nice! I suppose he likes having all the same faces back together. Appeals to his... his... John Watson: Asperger´s? [Sherlock appears and Lestrade changes the topic of conversation to the case of the hound]

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: I've got a theory but I need to get back into Baskerville to test it. [Pulling out phone] John Watson: How? Can't pull off the ID trick again. Sherlock Holmes: Might not have to. [Puts phone to ear] Hello brother dear! How are you?

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: Murder weapon and the scene of the crime, all at once! Haha, oh, this case...! Thank you, Henry. It's been brilliant. John Watson: Sherlock? Sherlock Holmes: What? John Watson: [Indicating Henry, who is in a state of shock] Timing! Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Not good?

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: Totally scientific. Laboratory conditions. Quite literally... John Watson: [whispering] He's in here with me... Sherlock Holmes: Alright, keep talking. I'll find you. [pause] Keep talking! John Watson: I can't, he'll hear me... Sherlock Holmes: Tell me what you're seeing! John Watson: [Shuddering] I don't know, but I can hear it... Sherlock: [In the present] I knew what effect it had on a superior mind so I needed to try it on an average one. [John stops eating and looks up, insulted.] You know what I mean.

The Hounds of Baskerville

John Watson: [about being dosed with the experimental drug] Any long-term effects? Sherlock Holmes: None at all. You'll be back to normal, we all will, once we've excreted it. John Watson: Think I might have taken care of that already.

The Hounds of Baskerville

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I see. John Watson: No, you don't Sherlock Holmes: No, I don't. Sentiment? John Watson: Sentiment.

The Reichenbach Fall

Every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain. You need me or you're nothing — because we're just alike, you and I. Except you're boring. You're on the side of the angels.

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: Nothing in the Bank of England, the Tower of London or Pentonville Prison could possibly match the value of the key that could open all three. Moriarty: I can open any door, anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now. All are mine. No such thing as secrecy. I OWN secrecy. Nuclear codes? I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And honey, you should see me in a crown.

The Reichenbach Fall

But don't be scared. Falling is just like flying, except there's a more... <i>permanent</i> destination.

The Reichenbach Fall

Mycroft Holmes: Too much history between us, John. Old scores. Resentments. John Watson: Nicked all his smurfs? Broke his Action Man?

The Reichenbach Fall

John Watson: School friend, maybe? Mycroft Holmes: [laughs] Of Sherlock's?

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, John. Molly Hooper: Molly. Sherlock Holmes: Yes.

The Reichenbach Fall

Molly Hooper: You're a bit like my dad. He's dead. Oh, sorry... Sherlock Holmes: Molly, please don't feel the need to make conversation. It's really not your area. Molly Hooper: When he was dying, he was always cheerful. He was lovely. Except when he thought that no one could see. I saw him once. He looked sad. Sherlock Holmes: Molly... Molly Hooper: You look sad... when you think he [Watson] can't see you. Are you okay? Don't just say you are, because I know what that means, looking sad when you think no one can see you. Sherlock Holmes: You can see me. Molly Hooper: I don't count. What I'm trying to say is that, if there's anything I can do, anything you need, anything at all, you can have me. (flustered) No, I just mean... I mean... if there's anything you need - it's fine. Sherlock Holmes: But what could I need from you?

The Reichenbach Fall

Hello. Are you ready for the story? This is the story of Sir Boast-a-lot. Sir Boast-a-lot was the bravest and cleverest knight at the round table, but soon the other knights began to grow tired of his stories about how brave he was and how many dragons he'd slain, and some of them began to wonder, "Are Sir Boast-a-lot's stories even true?" Oh no. So, one of the knights went to King Arthur and said, "I don't believe Sir Boast-a-lot's stories. He's just a big, old liar who makes things up to make himself look good." And then, even the king began to wonder, but that wasn't the end of Sir Boast-a-lot's problems. No. That wasn't the final problem. The end.

The Reichenbach Fall

Chief Superintendent: Looked a bit of a weirdo if you ask me. They usually are, these vigilante types. [John stares at him] What are you looking at? Sherlock Holmes: Joining me? John Watson: Yeah, well, apparently it's against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: [On being arrested] Hmm. Bit awkward, this. John Watson: There's no one to bail us. Sherlock Holmes: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape. John Watson: What? Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please all get on your knees? [Firing the gun in the air] Now would be good! DI Lestrade: Do as he says! John Watson: Just so you're aware, the gun is his idea... I'm just, you know... Sherlock Holmes: [suddenly pointing the gun at John's head] My hostage! John Watson: Hostage! Yes. That works...

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: You're wrong, you know? [Molly gasps in fright and spins round] You do count. You've always counted and I've always trusted you. But you were right. I'm not okay. Molly Hooper: Tell me what's wrong. Sherlock Holmes: Molly... I think I'm going to die. Molly Hooper: What do you need? Sherlock Holmes: If I wasn't everything you think I am, everything that I think I am... would you still want to help me? Molly Hooper: What do you need? Sherlock Holmes: You.

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: [John struggles to keep up with Sherlock as they flee handcuffed together] Take my hand [grabs John's hand]. John Watson: Oh, people are definitely going to talk.

The Reichenbach Fall

John Watson: Paramedics. Mrs Hudson – she's been shot. Sherlock Holmes: What? How? John Watson: Well, probably one of the killers you managed to attract... Jesus. Jesus. She's dying, Sherlock. Let's go. Sherlock Holmes: You go. I'm busy. John Watson: Busy? Sherlock Holmes: Thinking. I need to think. John Watson: You need to...? Doesn't she mean anything to you? You once half killed a man because he laid a finger on her! Sherlock Holmes: She's my landlady. John Watson: She's dying... You machine. Sod this. Sod this. You stay here if you want, on your own. Sherlock Holmes: Alone is what I have. Alone protects me. John Watson: No. Friends protect people.

The Reichenbach Fall

Jim Moriarty: You think you can make me stop the order? You think you can make me do that? Sherlock Holmes: Yes. So do you. Jim Moriarty: Sherlock, your big brother and all the King's horses couldn't make me do a thing I didn't want to. Sherlock Holmes: Yes, but I'm not my brother, remember? I am you. Prepared to do anything. Prepared to burn. Prepared to do what ordinary people won't do. You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you. Jim Moriarty: Nah — you talk big. Nah... you're ordinary. You're ordinary — you're on the side of the angels. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I may be on the side of the angels... but don't think for one second that I am one of them.

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: [talking to John on the phone while on the roof of St. Barts] I'm a fake. John Watson: Sherlock... Sherlock Holmes: The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly; in fact, tell anyone who will listen to you... that I invented Moriarty for my own purposes. John Watson: Okay, shut up, Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met - the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right? Sherlock Holmes: Nobody could be that clever. John Watson: You could.

The Reichenbach Fall

Sherlock Holmes: Please, will you do this for me? John Watson: Do what? Sherlock Holmes: This phone call it's, um.... It's my note. It's what people do, don't they? Leave a note? John Watson: [as the realization dawns on him] Leave a note when!? Sherlock Holmes: Goodbye John. John Watson: [voice cracking] No...don't.

The Reichenbach Fall

You... you told me once... that you weren't a hero. Umm... There were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this. You were the best man, the most human... human being that I've ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so... there. I was so alone... and I owe you so much. But please, there's just one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me, don't be...dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this... [He walks away. Sherlock watches him go, then leaves.]

The Empty Hearse

Lestrade: Bollocks! Anderson: No, no, no, no! It’s obvious! That’s how he did it! It’s obvious! Lestrade: Derren Brown?! Let it go, Sherlock’s dead. Anderson: Ah, is he? Lestrade: There was a body. It was him, it was definitely him. Molly Hooper laid him out. Anderson: No, she’s lying. It was Jim Moriarty’s body – with a mask on! Lestrade: A mask? A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown. Two years and the theories keep getting more stupid. How many more have you got for me today? Anderson: [Beat] Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area, even the exact ones that he landed on, you know they were all... Lestrade: [Interrupting] Guilt. That’s all this is. You pushed us all into thinking that Sherlock was a fraud, you and Donovan, you did this, and it killed him, and he’s staying dead. Do you honestly believe if you have enough stupid theories it’s going to change what really happened? Anderson: I believe in Sherlock Holmes. Lestrade: Yeah, but that won’t bring him back.

The Empty Hearse

Sherlock Holmes: I think I’ll surprise John. He’ll be delighted! Mycroft Holmes: You think so? Hm. Sherlock Holmes: Pop round to Baker Street. Who knows, jump out of a cake? Mycroft Holmes: Baker Street? He isn’t there anymore. Why would he be? It’s been two years. He’s got on with his life. Sherlock Holmes: What life? I’ve been away.

The Empty Hearse

Anthea: Welcome back, Mr Holmes Sherlock Holmes: Thank you... (to Mycroft) Blud.

The Empty Hearse

Sherlock Holmes: Interesting thing a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters. Mary Morstan: John... John, what is it? Sherlock Holmes: Well, short version... Not. Dead. Sherlock Holmes: Bit mean to spring it on you like that, I know... could have given you a heart attack... probably still will... in my defense it was very funny... ok it's not a great defense. Mary Morstan: Oh no, you’re... Sherlock Holmes: Oh yes. Mary Morstan: Oh my god. Sherlock Holmes: Not quite. Mary Morstan: You died. You jumped off a roof. Sherlock Holmes: No. Mary Morstan: You’re dead. Sherlock Holmes: No. I’m quite sure I checked. Excuse me. [Dips a napkin into some water and wipes off his fake moustache. Looks at John’s moustache] Does yours rub off, too? Mary Morstan: Oh my god. Oh my god, do you have any idea what you've done... Sherlock Holmes: Ok, John, I'm suddenly realizing I probably owe you some sort of an apology. John Watson: [Breathing deeply to calm himself; struggling to find

The Empty Hearse

John Watson: [on Sherlock returning from the dead] Can you believe his nerve? Mary Morstan: I like him.

The Empty Hearse

Sherlock Holmes: Those things will kill you. Lestrade: Ooh, you bastard. Sherlock Holmes: [Stepping out from the shadows] It’s time to come back. You’ve been letting things slide, Graham. Lestrade: Greg. Sherlock Holmes: Greg.

The Empty Hearse

Mary Morstan: What are you doing? John Watson: Having a wash. Mary Morstan: You’re shaving it off. John Watson: Well, you hate it. Mary Morstan: Sherlock hates it. John Watson: Apparently everyone hates it. Mary Morstan: Ooh. Are you going to see him again? John Watson: No, I’m going to work. Mary Morstan: Oh, and after work are you going to see him again? John Watson: No. Mary Morstan: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and his nibs turns up... John Watson: I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes. Mary Morstan: You should put that on a t-shirt.

The Empty Hearse

London. It’s like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it’s not a question of who, it’s a question of who knows.

The Empty Hearse

Mycroft Holmes: All very interesting, Sherlock, but the terror alert has been raised to critical. Sherlock Holmes: Boring. Your move. Mycroft Holmes: We have solid information. An attack IS coming. Sherlock Holmes: [Scornfully] Solid information. A secret terrorist organisation is planning an attack. That’s what secret terrorist organisations do, isn't it? It’s their version of golf.

The Empty Hearse

Mycroft Holmes: I have given the Prime Minister my personal assurance that you’re on the case. Sherlock Holmes: I am on the case. We're both on the case right now. Mycroft Holmes: Oh, bugger! Sherlock Holmes: Whoopsy! Can’t handle a Broken Heart. How very telling. Mycroft Holmes: Don’t be smart. Sherlock Holmes: That takes me back. “Don’t be smart, Sherlock! I’m the smart one!” Mycroft Holmes: I am the smart one. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I used to think I was an idiot. Mycroft Holmes: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, until we met other children. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes. That was a mistake. Mycroft Holmes: Ghastly. What were they thinking of? Sherlock Holmes: Probably something about "trying to make friends". Mycroft Holmes: Oh, yes. "Friends". Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now. Sherlock Holmes: And you don’t? Ever? Mycroft Holmes: If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I’m living in a world of

The Sign of Three

Mary Watson: David, this is Sherlock. David: Yeah, we’ve, um...we’ve met. David: So, what exactly are my duties as an usher? Sherlock Holmes: Let’s talk about Mary first. David: Sorry, what? Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years. David: Er...ages ago, we’re just good friends now. Sherlock Holmes: Is that a fact? Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes regardless of time or current location, suggesting you have her on text alert. In all your Facebook photos of the happy couple, Mary takes centre frame whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded. David: [Laughing nervously] You can’t assume from that that I’ve still got...some kind of interest in Mary... Sherlock Holmes: You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on on no less than three separate occasions. Do you have anything to say in your defence? [David looks stunned] I think from now on we’ll downgrade you to ‘casual acquaintance with no more than three planned social encou

The Sign of Three

Sherlock Holmes: Erm...yes, well done in the service, Archie. Archie’s Mum: He’s really come out of his shell. I don’t know how you did it. Sherlock Holmes: Basically, it’s cute smile to the bride’s side, cute smile to the groom’s side, and then the rings. Archie: No. Sherlock Holmes: And you have to wear the outfit. Archie: No. Sherlock Holmes: You really do have to wear the outfit. Archie: What for? Sherlock Holmes: Grownups like that sort of thing. Archie: Why? Sherlock Holmes: [Exasperated] I don’t know, I’ll ask one. Archie: [Questioningly] You’re a detective? Sherlock Holmes: Yep. Archie: Have you solved any murders? Sherlock Holmes: Sure, loads. Archie: Can I see? Sherlock Holmes: [Beat] Yeah, alright. Archie: What’s all the stuff in his eye? Sherlock Holmes: Maggots. Archie: Cool! Archie’s Mum: He said you had some pictures for him? As a treat. Sherlock Holmes: Er...yes...if he’s...good... Archie: Beheadings! Sherlock Holmes: [Quickly] Lovely little village... Archie’s Mum: Hm?

The Sign of Three

Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen. Family and friends. And... uhhmmm... others. Uhh... A-A-Also... Molly Hooper: Greg. Lestrade: Molly. Molly Hooper: I just had a thought. Lestrade: [pointing to pan in Molly's hands] That's a brain. Molly Hooper: What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man? Lestrade: Well, he will, won't he? He's bound to. Molly Hooper: Exactly. Lestrade: So? Molly Hooper: So he'll have to make a speech in front of people. There will be actual people there, actually listening. Lestrade: Well, what's the worst that can happen? Molly Hooper: Helen Louise probably wondered the same. Lestrade: Helen Louise? Mrs. Hudson: Oh, hello, dear. Molly Hooper: I was just thinking, if John does ask Sherlock... Mrs. Hudson: What, the speech, dear? No, It'll be fine. Molly Hooper: It's not just the speech though, is it? John Watson: Mrs Hudson...? You alright? I was coming to see Sherlock and I thought you were... possibly dying. Mrs Hudson: [laughing uncontrollably] Oh, sorry! J

The Sign of Three

Molly Hooper: Murder scenes? Locations of... murders? Sherlock Holmes: Pub crawl, themed. Molly Hooper: Yeah, but why can't you just do underground stations? Sherlock Holmes: Lacks the personal touch. We're going to go for a drink in every... Molly Hooper: ...street where you've found a corpse. Delightful! Where do I come in? Sherlock Holmes: Don't want to get ill. That would ruin it, spoil the mood. Molly Hooper: But you're a graduate chemist, can't you just work it out? Sherlock Holmes: I lack the practical experience. Molly Hooper: Meaning that you think I like a drink? Sherlock Holmes: Occasionally. Molly Hooper: You think I'm a drunk? Sherlock Holmes: No, no...[awkward pause] You look... well. Molly Hooper: I am. Sherlock Holmes: How's... [struggling to remember the name] Tom? Molly Hooper: Not a sociopath. Sherlock Holmes: Still? Good. Molly Hooper: And we're having quite a lot of sex. Sherlock Holmes: Okaaay. I want you to calculate John's ideal intake, and mine, to remain in th

The Sign of Three

Sherlock Holmes: [Slurring] I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation? John Watson: No, I... don’t have an international reputation. Sherlock Holmes: No. And I can’t even remember what for. ‘S... crime. Something like that. Mrs Hudson: Oh! What are you doing back? I thought you were going out late? Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Hudders. What time is it? Mrs Hudson: You've only been out two hours.

The Sign of Three

John Watson: Am I... a woman? Sherlock Holmes: [Sniggering] Yes. John Watson: Am I... pretty? This? [Pointing to his nametag] Sherlock Holmes: Beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models. John Watson: Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?

The Sign of Three

Sherlock Holmes: So, I am human, I’m not as tall as people think I am, I’m... I’m nice-ish, clever, important to some people, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way. [He laughs] Got it. John Watson: Go on, then. Sherlock Holmes: I’m you, aren’t I?

The Sign of Three

Lestrade: Wakey, wakey! John Watson: [Dazed] Oh, my God. Greg? Is that Greg? Lestrade: Get up. I’m going to put you two in a taxi. I’ve managed to square things with the desk sergeant. [Laughs] What a couple of lightweights! You couldn’t even make it to closing time! John Watson: Can you whisper? Lestrade: [Shouting] NOT REALLY! [Sherlock wakes with a start] Come on!

The Sign of Three

Sherlock Holmes: [to the nurse] What did you say? You said John Hamish Watson. You said that. You said Hamish. How did you know? How did you know his middle name? He never tells anyone, he hates it. Sherlock Holmes: John... H... Watson? John Watson: Yep. Sherlock Holmes: Henry? John Watson: Shut up. Sherlock Holmes: Humphrey? John Watson: Shut up. Sherlock Holmes: Higgins? John Watson: Go away! Sherlock Holmes: It took him years to confide in me... John Watson: ...That’s my birth certificate. Sherlock Holmes: Yep. Sherlock Holmes: And the Woman, she knew. Sherlock Holmes: God knows where she is. Sherlock Holmes: [Exasperated] Out of my head. I’m busy!

The Sign of Three

Ladies and gentlemen. One last thing before the evening begins properly. Apologies for earlier; crisis arose and was dealt with. More importantly, however, today, we saw two people make vows. I’ve never made a vow in my life and after tonight, I never will again, so, here in front of you all – my first, and last, vow. Mary and John – whatever it takes, whatever happens, from now on, I swear I will always be there. Always.

His Last Vow

John Watson: [Whispering] We should call the police! Sherlock Holmes: [Whispering back] During our own burglary? You're really not a natural at this, are you?

His Last Vow

Sherlock Holmes: I'm undercover. John Watson: No, you're not! Sherlock Holmes: Well, I'M NOT NOW!!!

His Last Vow

Janine: Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard. Sherlock Holmes: And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry tabloid whore. Janine: So, we're good, then? Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, of course.

His Last Vow

Janine: You lied to me. You lied and lied. Sherlock Holmes: I exploited the fact of our connection. Janine: When? Just once would have been nice. Sherlock Holmes: Oh. I was waiting til we got married.

His Last Vow

John Watson: (panting with rage against Mary) I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath? Sherlock Holmes: (short pause) Yes. Good that we've settled that. Now-- John Watson: SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time. Sherlock Holmes: I didn't say it was funny. John Watson: (turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you? Sherlock Holmes: Everything. John Watson: (steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up. Sherlock Holmes: No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did. John Watson: Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine. Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landl

His Last Vow

John Watson: I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you. These are prepared words, Mary. I've chosen these words with care. Mary Watson: Okay. John Watson: The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future...are my privilege. That's all I have to say; that's all I need to know [He throws her USB stick in the fire] No, I didn't read it. Mary Watson: [crying] You don't even know my name. John Watson: Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you? Mary Watson: Yes! Oh my God, yes. John Watson: Then it's good enough for me, too. John Watson: All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you. Mary Watson: Mm, I know, I know. John Watson: I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then. Mary Watson: I know, I know, I know. John Watson: You can mow the sodding lawn from now on. Mary Watson: I do mow the lawn. John Watson: I do it loads. Mary Watson: You really don't. John Watson: I choose the baby's name. Mary Watson: Not a chance. J

His Last Vow

Mrs Holmes: Are you two smoking?! Mycroft Holmes: No! Sherlock Holmes: [simultaneously] It was Mycroft!

His Last Vow

Mycroft Holmes: I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline. Sherlock Holmes: I...decline your kind offer. Mycroft Holmes: I shall pass on your regrets. Sherlock Holmes: What was it? Mycroft Holmes: MI6. They want to place you back into Eastern Europe. An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months. Sherlock Holmes: Then why don't you want me to take it? Mycroft Holmes: It's tempting, but on balance, you have more utility closer to home. Sherlock Holmes: Utility! How do I have utility? Mycroft Holmes: Here be dragons. [coughs on his cigarette] This isn't agreeing with me. I'm going in. Sherlock Holmes: [amused] You need low tar. You still smoke like a beginner. Mycroft Holmes: Also...your loss would break my heart. Sherlock Holmes: What the hell am I supposed to say to that?! Mycroft Holmes: Merry Christmas? Sherlock Holmes: You hate Christmas. Mycroft Holmes: Yes. Perhaps there was something in the punch. Sherlock Holmes: Clearly.

His Last Vow

Sherlock Holmes: One false move and we will have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnusson is quite possibly the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are stacked incomprehensibly against us. John Watson: But it's Christmas! Sherlock Holmes: [With a huge grin] I feel the same! [sees John's expression] Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas.

His Last Vow

John Watson: Sherlock, what do we do? Magnussen: Nothing! There's nothing to be done. Oh, I'm not a villain, I have no "evil plan". I'm a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes! Sherlock: Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath! Merry Christmas! [shoots Magnussen in the head, then drops the gun and raises his hands to the police helicopter] Get away from me, John! Stay well back! John Watson: CHRIST, SHERLOCK!

His Last Vow

John Watson: So...here we are. Sherlock Holmes: William Sherlock Scott Holmes. John Watson: Sorry? Sherlock Holmes: That's the whole of it. If you're looking for baby names.

His Last Vow

John Watson: The game is over. Sherlock Holmes: The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now.

His Last Vow

Sherlock Holmes: John, there's something I should say, I've meant to say always and I never have. Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now. Sherlock Holmes: Sherlock is actually a girl's name. John Watson: ...It's not. Sherlock Holmes: It was worth a try. John Watson: We're not naming our daughter after you. Jim Moriarty: Did you miss me?

His Last Vow

Sherlock Holmes: Mycroft Mycroft: Hello little brother. How's the exile going? Sherlock Holmes: I've only been gone four minutes. Mycroft: Well, I certainly hope you've learnt your lesson. As it turns out, you're needed. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, for god's sake, make up your mind.

The Abominable Bride

Superb! Suicide as street theatre, murder by corpse. Lestrade, you're spoiling us.

The Abominable Bride

Sherlock Holmes: The bride's face, how was it described? Lestrade: White as death, mouth like a crimson wound. Sherlock Holmes: Poetry or truth? Lestrade: Many would say they're the same thing. Sherlock Holmes: Yes, idiots. Poetry or truth?

The Abominable Bride

We all have a past, Watson. Ghosts. They are the shadows that define our every sunny day.

The Abominable Bride

Fear is wisdom in the face of danger. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

The Abominable Bride

John Watson: That watch that you're wearing - there's a photograph inside it. I glimpsed it once. I believe it is of Irene Adler. Sherlock Holmes: [irritated] You didn't "glimpse" it, you waited till I had fallen asleep and looked at it. John Watson: Yes, I did. Sherlock Holmes: You seriously thought I wouldn't notice? John Watson: Irene Adler. Sherlock Holmes: Formidable opponent. A remarkable adventure. John Watson: A very nice photograph. Sherlock Holmes: Why are you talking like this? John Watson: Why are you so determined to be alone? Sherlock Holmes: Are you quite well, Watson? John Watson: Is it such a curious question? Sherlock Holmes: From a Viennese alienist, no; from a retired army surgeon, most certainly! John Watson: Holmes, against absolutely no opposition whatsoever, I am your closest friend. Sherlock Holmes: I concede it. John Watson: I am currently attempting to have a perfectly normal conversation with you. Sherlock Holmes: [tersely] Please don't. John Watson: Why do

The Abominable Bride

John Watson: I saw the ghost with my own eyes! Sherlock Holmes: You saw nothing. You saw what you were supposed to see. John Watson: You said yourself: I have no imagination. Sherlock Holmes: Then use your brain, such as it is, to eliminate the impossible, which in this case is the ghost, and observe what remains, which in this case is a solution so blindingly obvious even Lestrade could work it out! Lestrade: [sarcastic] Thank you...!

The Abominable Bride

Sherlock Holmes: Cocaine. A seven percent solution. Would you care to try it? John Watson: No. But I would quite like to find every ounce of the stuff in your possession and pour it out of the window. Sherlock Holmes: [amused] I should be inclined to stop you. John Watson: Then you would be reminded, quite forcibly, which of us is a soldier and which of us a drug addict. Sherlock Holmes: You're not a soldier, you are a doctor. John Watson: I'm an army doctor, which means I could break every bone in your body while naming them. Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you are allowing emotion to cloud your judgement. John Watson: Never on a case. You promised me, never on a case. Sherlock Holmes: No, I just said that in one of your stories. John Watson: [angrily] Listen. I'm happy to play the fool for you. I will run along behind you like some halfwit, making you look clever, if that's what you need, [raising his voice] but DEAR GOD ABOVE, you will hold yourself to a higher standard! Sherlock H

The Abominable Bride

Once the idea exists, it cannot be killed.

The Abominable Bride

John Watson: When you're ready to go to work, give me a call. I'm taking Mary home. Mary Watson: You're what? John Watson: Mary is taking me home. Mary Watson: Better.

The Abominable Bride

Mycroft Holmes: He's right, you know. Sherlock Holmes: So what if he's right? He's always right, it's boring.

The Lying Detective

Stop talking, it makes me aware of your existence.

The Lying Detective

John: I need a second opinion. Sherlock: Oh, John, calm down. When have you ever managed two opinions? You'd fall over.

The Lying Detective

You can keep your scars.

The Lying Detective

Faith (Eurus): You're not what I expected Mr. Holmes. You're - nicer. Sherlock: I'm not nice. I'm just high.

The Lying Detective

Taking your own life. Interesting expression - taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.

The Lying Detective

Sherlock: I have known many people in this world, but made few friends, and I can safely say- John: -I cheated on her. Sherlock: ... John: No clever comeback? Sherlock: ... John: [talking to Mary] I cheated on you, Mary. There was a woman on the bus, and I had a plastic daisy in my hair, I'd been playing with Rosie. And this girl just smiled at me. That's all it was, it was a smile. We texted, constantly. You want to know when? Every time you left the room, that's when. When you were feeding our daughter. When you were stopping her from crying, that's when. And that's all it was. Just texting. But I wanted more. And do you know something? I still do. I'm not the man you thought I was, I'm not that guy. I never could be. But that's the point. [voice breaking] That's the whole point. Who you thought I was...is the man who I want to be. Mary: Well, then...John Watson... [smiling] Get the hell on with it. Sherlock: It's okay. John: [crying] It's not okay. Sherlock: No...But it is what it i

The Lying Detective

Sherlock: It's not a pleasant thought, John. I have this terrible feeling from time to time that we might all just be human. John: Even you? Sherlock: No. Even you.

The Lying Detective

I'm Sherlock Holmes. I wear the damn hat.

The Lying Detective

John: Who are you? Eurus: Isn't it obvious? Haven't you guessed? I'm Eurus. John: Eurus? Eurus: Silly name, isn't it? Greek. Means the "East Wind." My parents loved silly names, like Eurus, or Mycroft, or Sherlock. Eurus: Oh, look at him. Didn't it ever occur to you, not even once, that Sherlock's secret brother might just be Sherlock's secret sister? Huh? He's making a funny face. I think I'll put a hole in it. [pulls the trigger]

The Final Problem

Mycroft: (after being subjected to a staged event intended to suggest that Eurus is attacking him) Doctor Watson, why would he do that to me? That was insane! Watson: Er, yes, well, someone convinced him that you wouldn't tell the truth unless you were actually wetting yourself. Mycroft: Someone? Watson: Probably me. Mycroft: So that's it, is it? You're just going? Watson: Well don't worry. There's a place for people like you; the desperate, the terrified, the ones with nowhere else to run. Mycroft: What place? Watson: 221B Baker Street. See you in the morning. If there's a queue, join it.

The Final Problem

Mycroft: (to Watson) This is a private matter. Sherlock: John stays. Mycroft: This is family. Sherlock: THAT'S. WHY. HE STAYS.

The Final Problem

Little Eurus: You look funny grown up. Watson: What’s wrong? Mycroft: Sorry. The memories are disturbing. Sherlock: What do you mean? Examples? Mycroft: They found her with a knife once. She seemed to be cutting herself. Mother and Father were terrified; they thought it was a suicide attempt. But when I asked Eurus what she was doing, she said- Little Eurus: I wanted to see how my muscles worked. Watson: Jesus. Mycroft: So, I asked her if she felt pain and she said- Little Eurus: Which one’s pain?

The Final Problem

I wrote my own version of the Nativity when I was a child, "The Hungry Donkey". It was a bit gory, but if you're going to put a baby in a manger, you're asking for trouble.