Major Payne

Marine Private: AHHHH my arm, my arm! Major Payne: Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm? Major Payne: Now you might feel a little pressure. Marine Private: AUGGGGH! My finger, my finger! Major Payne: Works every time.

Major Payne, CC BY-SA 4.0

Nope, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!

Major Payne, CC BY-SA 4.0

General Decker: At ease, Payne. Relax. Do you know why you're here? Major Payne: Sir, no, sir. General Decker: The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lt. Col. list, your name's not on it. You get two chances to advance, then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now Major Payne: General, are you telling me that in this man's military is there no room for trained weapon of destruction? General Decker: Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs. Major Payne: There's got to be somebody who needs some killing. General Decker: I'm sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.

Major Payne, CC BY-SA 4.0

General Decker: Payne, what happened? You've only been out one week. Major Payne: It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback. General Decker: Listen, I've made some calls and I have an assignment for you. It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.

Major Payne, CC BY-SA 4.0

Major Payne: [Addressing the Madison Cadets] My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer. Cadets: Boo. Booooooooo! Major Payne: [Lowering his pistol] I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have 8 weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-discipline cadet unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good! Tiger: [pokes his head out] Boo-hoo! Major Payne: What? Tiger: I have to go to the bathroom! Major Payne: You hold it, turd. Tiger: I can't! Major Payne: [glares] I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground!

Major Payne, CC BY-SA 4.0

Major Payne: Got no worries, got no stress. Major Payne: Cause we feel good in our dress. Cadets: Cause we feel good in our dress. Major Payne: Major Payne's a major diss. Cadets: Major Payne's a major diss. Major Payne: He makes us squat when we piss. Cadets: He makes us squat when we piss. Major Payne: Got no worries, got no care. Cadets: Got no worries, got no care. Major Payne: I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair. Cadets: I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair. Major Payne: Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann. Cadets: Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann. Major Payne: Got to earn my right to be called a man. Cadets: Got to earn my right to be called a man. Major Payne: I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Student: Their pantyhose is falling down. Major Payne: Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee! Emily: Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses? Major Payne: They're putting on a fashion show. Emily: [angry] I th

Major Payne, CC BY-SA 4.0