Quotes

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Ethel: Sing something. Ricky: I couldn't. Lucy: Let's neck. Ricky: Wait a minute, I'll sing.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

We can always call the zoo and order a couple of dancing bears.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Yeah with all that champagne, even Ethel might look good.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Lucy: We must know two men who are single and attractive. [Lucy and Ethel pause to think] Two men who are single. [pause] Two men. [pause] A boy and a dog. Ethel: Maybe we should settle for Little Boy Blue and Peter Cottontail.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Lucy: Ethel and I are going dancing at the Copa. Ricky: I hope one of you knows how to lead.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Ethel: I think a tuxedo is the best looking thing a man can wear. Fred: Unless he's wearing boxing trunks.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Ricky: Everybody knows you can get around a lady with a little sweet talk. Fred: That's alright for Lucy, but it's a little longer trip around Ethel.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

I'd like you to join me in commemoration of an eighteen year-old tragedy.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

[to Ethel about her marriage] Ever since we said "I do," there are so many things we don't.

The Girls Want To Go To The Nightclub [1.1]

Ethel: Here, you missed something on this one. Lucy: That's the design. Ethel: It is? Lucy: Sure, can't you see. Flowers against a background of (scratches plate with nail) gravy.

Be a Pal [1.2]

Ricky: That's the reason I married you - because you're so different than anyone I've known in Cuba. Lucy: Who'd you know in Cuba?

Be a Pal [1.2]

Lucy: [looks at cards] My, this is a problem. Ricky: Honey, please, you're holding up the game. Lucy: Well, I can't decide whether to throw away my two queens or my three kings.

Be a Pal [1.2]

[explaining poker to Lucy] It's a lot like hearts, only you bet, and there isn't any old maid.

Be a Pal [1.2]

Ethel: [reading from 'Dr. Humphries' book] If he hunts, take up hunting. If he fishes, take up fishing. If he golfs, take up golfing. Lucy: Ricky plays poker. I'll have to take up poking.

Be a Pal [1.2]

Ethel: [reading from Dr. Humphries' book] Often, after the first years of marriage, the husband seems to lose interest in the wife. He reads the paper at the breakfast table, he doesn't answer when you talk to him. In short, he doesn't even know you're alive. Lucy: I wonder where Dr. Humphries ever met Ricky.

Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying To Murder Her [1.4]

Lucy: Lets see, it was either the upstairs maid, or the butler, or the cook. Ricky: It was her husband. Lucy: Her husband? He didn't have any reason to do it. Ricky: He was married, wasn't he? Lucy: I got a Mickey from Ricky.

The Quiz Show [1.5]

(during the credits) The part of Harold was played by Mr. John Emery. Freddie Fillmore was played by Mr. Frank Nelson.

The Séance [1.7]

Mr. Maryweather, I'd like to present Madame Ethel Mertzola. She's going to be our medium tonight. She's psychopathic!

The Séance [1.7]

I shall now contact Tilly! [in a monotone voice] Ethel to Tilly, Ethel to Tilly. Come in, Tilly. Over.

The Séance [1.7]

Mr. Maryweather: Tilly! Tilly, is that you? Lucy: Yes, it's me Tilly. Mr. Maryweather: But Tilly, that sneeze. Are you sick? Lucy: Sick? I'm dead! Mr. Maryweather: Oh, that's right.

The Séance [1.7]

Lucy: Ow! Mr. Maryweather: What's the matter? Lucy: I burned myself. It's awfully hot here. Mr. Maryweather: Oh, that's where you are! Oh Tilly, I'm so disappointed in you.

The Séance [1.7]

My trance is wearing off, I think you better hang up now.

The Séance [1.7]

Ethel, you underestimate your transmitter!

The Gossip [1.24]

Ricky: [feigning sleep] Grace Foster is running away with... Lucy: Don't stop now! Go on! Ricky: Grace Foster is running away with the milkman. Lucy: Milkman? Ricky: [still feigning sleep] Uh-huh. Lucy: Go on, go on. Ricky: Grace Foster y el lechero se van a salir juntos y... Lucy: In English! In English! Ricky: Grace Foster is running away with the milkman, and her husband doesn't suspect anything. Lucy: Go on. Ricky: That is all.

Lucy Hires a Maid [2.23]

Lucy: What's your name? Mrs. Porter: Mrs. Porter. Lucy: And what do I call you? Mrs. Porter: Mrs. Porter.

Dialogue

Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? [later, after getting drunk from drinking a potent "health" tonic] Well, I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl! Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you un-poopular? Well, are you?

Dialogue

Lucy: [whenever Ricky stages a new show] Can I be in the show? Ricky: No!

Dialogue

Betty Ramsey: I've loved parties ever since I was a little girl, how about you, Ethel? Ethel: I haven't been to a party since I was a little girl.

Dialogue

Lucy: [after buying a pair of hostess pants for Ethel's birthday gift] Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel, look. You get yourself a little black, off-the-shoulder blouse, and a big crushy belt, and little ballet slippers, and you're all set! Ethel: What for, Halloween?

Dialogue

Lucy: I have an idea! Ethel: How can you stand there in the middle of this mess and utter those four horrible words: "I've got an idea?"

Dialogue

Lucy: I saw them last month in Harper's Bazaar. Ethel: Well they're certainly bizarre!

Dialogue

Lucy: Once you get to know Ethel, you'll find she's more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Ethel: Monkeys that seldom get invited out of their barrels, that is.

Dialogue

Lucy: We're in the egg business together, so half of those eggs belong to Ethel. Isn't that right dear? Ethel: Yes, the shells.

Dialogue

Lucy: It's my mad money. Ricky: There's over $200 here. Lucy: Well, I get awfully mad.

Dialogue

Ethel: [referring to Ava Gardner in a restaurant] She's just people Fred, remember? Just like you and me. Fred: She may be people, but she's not like you and me.

Dialogue

Lucy: You were just up here and said it sounded great. Ethel: Well, I'm down here now and it sounds lousy!

Dialogue

Ethel: [referring to hamburgers] At least we put meat in ours. Lucy: And just what are you insinuating we put in ours? Ethel: I'm not saying, but you can bet on it in the afternoon and eat it at night!

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Ethel: Thanks for the present! Lucy: YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!!!

Dialogue

Fred: Possession is over nine-tenths of the law! Lucy: Yeah, and I'm possessed!

Dialogue

Lucy: "Butter? What do you want butter for? Ricky: I wanted to put some on my bread. Lucy: Butter? On bread? I'll never get used to your crazy Cuban dishes.

Dialogue

Ricky: [reading to Ethel from a script Lucy wrote] Is there something wrong with your lover? Lucy: LIVER! Ethel: [later on, to Ricky] I think you go out to meet your liver. Lucy: LOVER!

Dialogue

Ricky: What do you know about rice? Fred: Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life.

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Ricky: How do spell "s'perience"? Lucy: E-x-p... Ricky: E-x? You're kidding?

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Ethel: Fred, I got a confession to make. Remember when we got married and I said I was 18? I was 19. Fred: Well I got a confession to make too. You were 24.

Dialogue

Employment agent: What did you have in mind? Lucy: What kind of jobs do you have open? Agent: Well what do you do? Lucy: What kind of jobs do you have open? Agent: Well what do you do? Lucy: What kind of jobs do you have open? Agent: You go first this time. Lucy': Alright, what do you do? Agent: What kind of jobs do you have... Oh. Cut it out.

Dialogue

Ricky: 15 years. George: And they call me Superman!

Dialogue

Lucy's doctor: (from Jamestown) Hello, Mr. Ricardo. I'm the man who brought your wife into the world! Ricky: I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose!

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Fred: What do you need a new lamp for? Abe Lincoln read by candlelight. Ethel: Don't drag your boyhood friends into this, Fred.

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Fred: What about ten dollars? Ethel: What's the matter with twenty dollars? Ricky: Well what's the matter with thirty dollars? Lucy: Well what's the matter with fifty dollars? Fred: What was the matter with ten dollars?

Dialogue

Lucy: Ricky! Ethel: Fred! Lucy: We're revolting! Ricky: No more than usual.

Dialogue

Thanks to you I've just won five dollars from the engineer.

Dialogue

Ethel: I wanted a toaster! Lucy: Well Fred told me that but I couldn't believe you could be that dull! Ethel: Listen, I'd look better wearing a toaster than I would those checkerboard britches!

Dialogue

Marion, stop cackling. I've been waiting ten years for you to lay that egg.

Dialogue

Oh just wait until Mickey Richardson hears about this!

Dialogue

Ethel: Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie, come in Tillie. Over. Fred: Well done, Medium Raya.

Dialogue

Oh no you don't. Not even for the love of sweet charity am I going to box three rounds with a kangaroo.

Dialogue

I'm surprised she's got time to make pralines she's so busy making signs.

Dialogue

I wonder if this bed stops in Chicago.

Dialogue

Lucy: (to a vaudeville clown teaching her an act) Martha Vaudeville clown: Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch I crept up on the killer.

Dialogue

[to Ethel] Happy Birthday, and I hope you live another seventy-five years!