Quotes

Other

Don't call the dog "Lifesaver". Call him "Shithead".

Other

Die, you random son of a bitch. Die, gas pumper!

Dialogue

Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child. Navin R. Johnson: You mean I'm going to stay this color? Mother: I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.

Dialogue

Mother: And remember: the Lord loves a working man! Navin R. Johnson: The Lord loves a working man. Father: And son, don't never ever trust whitey. Navin: Don't trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey. Mother: Oh, baby. Navin: Daddy. Pierre. Come here. Don't you forget to grow up now. Elvira Johnson: Send me a picture, a picture! And I'll call you later! Don't forget, Navie! Father: Okay, okay. Let the boy go. Elvira: Bye. Father: We got work to do. Mother: And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. Navin: I will, Ma. I know it's out there. Taj: It's out there all right, and if you catch it see a doctor and get rid of it. Navin: See a doctor and get rid of it. Taj: Good luck. Navin: The Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.

Dialogue

Harry Hartounian: Boy, get to work in there! Navin R. Johnson: But sir, I don't even work here. Harry: Not even for a dollar ten an hour?

Dialogue

Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing. Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73: Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity — your name in print — that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now. Madman: [thumbing through phone book at home] Johnson, Navin R. Sounds like a typical bastard.

Dialogue

Stan Fox: Damn these glasses, son. Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir. [to the glasses] I damn thee!

Dialogue

Fairgoer: Hey, honey, let's see how good this guy is. What do I win? Navin R. Johnson: [gesturing at the prize display] Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtrays and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches, right in here, in this area that includes the Chiclets but not the erasers. Fairgoer: No sir. Come on, honey. He thought he had himself a rube. Navin: Frosty, I'm just no good at this. Frosty: Ah, come on, Navin. You're doing fine. Navin: No, I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars. Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents. Navin: Ah, it's a profit deal! Heh, takes the pressure off. [barking] Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight-guessing! Take your chance and wi

Dialogue

Navin R. Johnson: [in Patty the bike rider's trailer] What a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from the way they live. Just looking around here I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person. [holding Patty's helmet] What do I do with this? [Patty tosses it on the bed.] Oh, you keep it there. Where's your garbage? [Patty throws Navin's corn dog aside and lies on the bed.] Patty Bernstein: You know what I'd like to do? Navin: What? Patty: Guess your weight. Navin: Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess my weight! You see, I guess their weight so it's sort of a— Patty: Put your arms up. Navin: This will give me a whole different perspective on this. [Patty gropes his buttocks] Hey! You're really trying to be accurate! Is it getting hot in here? Wait a minute! What's happening to my "special purpose"? Patty: What's your special purpose? Navin: Well, when I was a kid my mom told me: there goes my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what

Dialogue

Grandmother: [reading letter from Navin] "My dear family, Guess what? Today I found out what my 'special purpose' is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin." And he's got the kisses here. Father: That Patty must be a sweet girl. Mother: God bless her.

Dialogue

Navin R. Johnson: I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, to right up against your lips and give you a kiss. Marie: Why didn't you? Navin: Well, I didn't want to get spit on me.

Dialogue

Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress? Marie Johnson: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were. Navin: What was it? Marie: "The Way We Were."

Dialogue

Navin R. Johnson: I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke! Marie Johnson: I don't wanna puke!