Quotes

Other

You know what nobody understands about certain kinds of low-pay public service work, every now and then you get to put a fucking stake in a bad guy's heart. I'm not supposed to talk about that when I visit third grade classes for career day and it doesn't get you very far in the country club locker room, but it's hard to beat when you actually get to do it.

Dialogue

Lt. Robert Nunally: Your wife? Is she OK? Ted Crawford: I don't think she is. I shot her.

Dialogue

Willy Beachum: [about Crawford's house] What style would you say this is? Detective Flores: Oh... I'd say homicidal modern.

Dialogue

Judge Pincus: Mr. Crawford, you have been charged with section 664 slash 187 of the California penal code: Attempted murder. Do you waive further reading of the complaint and complete statement of rights? Public Defender: You do. Ted Crawford: I do. But, I... I want... Judge Pincus: And do you wish to enter a plea at this time? Ted Crawford: Yes, not guilty. But I also want to waive my right to counsel and to represent myself. Judge Pincus: Surely you won't have trouble finding an attorney, Mr. Crawford? Ted Crawford: No, but I want to do it myself. Public Defender: Your Honor, if I can have a moment with my client. Ted Crawford: I'm not your client. Try and keep up, will you? Judge Pincus: Uh, Mr. Crawford, you're facing some very serious charges here. I strongly urge you to retain counsel. Ted Crawford: That's very kind but I believe I'm within my rights. Judge Pincus: Be aware that lack of counsel will not be grounds for an appeal. Ted Crawford: Oh, I understand. I understand. Judge

Dialogue

Willy Beachum: I'm not going to play any games with you. Ted Crawford: I'm afraid you have to, old sport.

Dialogue

Lt. Robert Nunally: I warned you about him. Willy Beachum: You warned me he was smart. You didn't warn me you were stupid.

Dialogue

Ted Crawford: You know, my grandfather was an egg farmer. Willy Beachum: This isn't going to be about your "rough childhood", is it? Ted Crawford: No, I used to candle eggs at his farm. Do you know what that is? You hold an egg up to the light of a candle and you look for imperfections. The first time I did it, he told me to put all the eggs that were cracked or flawed into a bucket for the bakery. And he came back an hour later, and there were 300 eggs in the bakery bucket. He asked me what the hell I was doing. I found a flaw in every single one of them – you know, thin places in the shell; fine, hairline cracks. You look closely enough, you'll find that everything has a weak spot where it can break, sooner or later. Willy Beachum: You looking for mine? Ted Crawford: I've already found yours. Willy Beachum: What is it? Ted Crawford: You're a winner, Willy. Willy Beachum: Yeah. Well, I guess the joke's on me then, isn't it? Ted Crawford: You bet your ass, old sport.

Dialogue

Willy Beachum: Did Mr. Crawford seem confused, intoxicated, or impaired in any way? Lt. Robert Nunally: No, not at all. He knew exactly what was going on. Willy Beachum: Detective Nunally, what did Mr. Crawford say? Lt. Robert Nunally: He said: 'It was like I just suddenly snapped. I got the gun and I shot my wife. I shot her in the head' Ted Crawford: [whispering into the air with his head leaned back] Objection. Judge Robinson: I'm sorry, Mr. Crawford, did you say something? Ted Crawford: Yes, I wish to object. Judge Robinson: On what grounds? Ted Crawford: [getting up] I don't know... Willy Beachum: Your honor... Ted Crawford: Um, I don't know what, uh, you'd call it, but, uh, they... It wasn't the first time it happened either... but, um. I, um, I don't know the, uh, legal terminology. Judge Robinson: Well, why don't you try to explain it in layman's terms. Ted Crawford: Um... fucking the victim. [following uproar in court] Well, you said layman's terms! Willy Beachum: Your honor!

Dialogue

Willy Beachum: This is getting out of hand, Your Honor. He just provoked my witness with an outrageous allegation … Ted Crawford: My dick has evidence. Judge Robinson: Excuse me? Ted Crawford: My dick, my private investigator. I call him Dick. Perhaps I should call him as a rebuttal witness, because since the tragedy, he's dug up hotel records and witnesses that confirm that my wife and Mr. Nunally were having an affair. My dick is good. Willy Beachum: Your Honor, so what if he was? Judge Robinson: Mr Beachum. Willy Beachum: Even if he was... Judge Robinson: Your witness was intimate with the victim and assaulted the defendant during the arrest. Ted Crawford: Actually, while trying to obtain my so-called confession. Judge Robinson: Yes. Willy Beachum: Oh, come on. Ted Crawford: Is that a legal argument, "Oh, come on"? Willy Beachum: Don't make me come across this table 'cause I will... Ted Crawford: I just want... Willy Beachum: Your Honor, he dictated and signed his confession

Dialogue

Ted Crawford: You really need to be nice to me now, Willy. Willy Beachum: Why? Ted Crawford: Because... what's left of a life depends on a machine powered by a cord that leads to a plug in an electrical outlet... and I decide when it gets pulled. That's why.