Quotes

How Not to Be Seen

Caption: Government Film No. 42: How Not to Be Seen Announcer: In this picture, there are 47 people; none of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you the value of not being seen. Here is Mr. Bagthorpe of London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now, I'm gonna ask him to stand up. Mr. Bagthorpe, will you stand up please? [Bagthorpe stands up, gets shot, and dies] This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

How Not to Be Seen

Mr and Mrs Watson of Hull, had shown us a clever way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we had discovered that they had gone on two weeks holiday; however, a neighbor told us where they were. [the tent explodes; we see Palin as a Gumby] And here is the neighbor who told us where they were. [the Gumby blows up in a cloud of red dust; house in the desert] This is where he lived. [the house explodes; stock footage of hospital] And this is where he was born. [the hospital is destroyed and he is first seen, laughing uncontrollably, but finally stops] And now for something completely different.

The Interval

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize that the film wasn't as long as we had anticipated. Therefore, there will be a short interval. In the meantime, we'll show you a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

The Interval

And now a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose!

The Interval

Emcee: That is the end of the interval. Will you kindly return to your seats? We will now proceed with the film as advertised. Offscreen Man: Darling, you were wonderful! Emcee: Oh, really?

Hungarian Phrase Book

Hungarian immigrant: I will not buy this record; it is scratched. Tobacconist: What? Hungarian: I will not buy this record; it is scratched. Tobacconist: No, this is a tobacconists. Tobacconists. Hungarian: Ja! Ja! I will not buy this tobacconists; it is scratched. Tobacconist: No, no. Tobacco, uh, cigarettes. Hungarian: Cigarettes! Ja! Um, my hovercraft is full of eels. Tobacconist: What? Hungarian: My hovercraft is full of eels. [does swishing with his fingers] Tobacconist: Matches! Hungarian: Ja! Ja! Do you...want... Tobacconist: Do you want? Hungarian: Do you-Do you want...do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy! Tobacconist: That'll be six shillings, please. Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected. Tobacconist: May I? [looking through book] It costs six shillings...costs six shillings...ah, here it is. Yandelvayasna grldenwi stravenka. [the Hungarian hits him in the face. Cut to the policeman walking in the

Marriage Guidance Counselor

Announcer: Meanwhile, not far away, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewtey were about to enter an unfamiliar office! Pewtey: Oh. Are you the Marriage Guidance Counselor? Counselor: Yes. Good morning. Pewtey: Morning. Counselor: [turns around to notice Dierdre] And, good morning to you, Madam. [turns to Pewtey] Uh, name? Pewtey: Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewtey. Counselor: And what is the name of your...ravishing wife? Wait. Don't tell me. It's-It's something to do with moonlight. It's soft and gentle, warm and yielding...deeply lyrical and yet...tender and frightened like a tiny, white rabbit. Pewtey: It's Dierdre. Counselor: [stands up, slowly walking to Dierdre] Dierdre. Pewtey: Hmm. Counselor: What a beautiful name. What a beautiful...beautiful name. [turns to Pewtey] And what seems to be the problem with your marriage, Mr. Pewtey? [begins making out with Dierdre] Pewtey: Well, it all started when we first went to Brighton on holiday together. Dierdre (that's my wife) and I have always been very

Nudge, Nudge

Arthur Nudge: Evenin', squire. Squire: Evening. Arthur Nudge: You married? Squire: Yes. Arthur Nudge: I'm a bachelor meself. Is your wife a goer? Eh?

Self Defense

Instructor: Evenin', class! Students: Evening. Instructor: Where's all the others, then. Students: Not here. Instructor: I CAN SEE THAT! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH'EM?! Students: Dunno. Student 1: Perhaps they've got flu. Instructor: Flu?! FLU?! They should eat more fresh fruit! RIGHT! Tonight, I'll be startin' where we left off when I showed you how to defend yourself from anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit!!!

Self Defense

Instructor: First, I force him to drop the banana, then I eat the banana, thus disarmin' 'im. I have now rendered 'im 'elpless! Student 2: Suppose he's got a bunch? Instructor: SHUT UP! Student 4: Suppose he's got a point-ed stick? Instructor: SHUT UP!

The Rampage of the Cancerous Black Spot

Story Teller: Once upon a time, there was an enchanted prince, who ruled the land beyond the wobbles. One day, he discovered a spot on his face. Foolishly, he ignored it...and three years later, he died of cancer. The spot, however, flourished, and soon set out to seek its fortune. Old Woman 1: [offscreen] Agnes, did you see who just moved in next door? Agnes: [offscreen] Yes, black as the Ace of Spades, they were. Old Woman 1: [offscreen] Oh, well, there goes the neighborhood.

Come Over to My Place

Man: Inspector, inspector. Inspector: Uh-huh? Man: I'm terribly sorry, but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute, and then I found my wallet had been stolen, and £15 taken from it. Inspector: Well did you see anyone about? Man: No. Inspector: Well, I'm afraid there's very little I can do. Man: Would you like to come over to my place? Inspector: [pauses] Yeah, okay.

American Defense / Crelm Toothpaste / Shrill Petrol

Uncle Sam: [narrating] And so Miss Spume went back to her typing and dreamed her dreamy dreams, unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. For Miss Spume was about to fall victim to the International Communist conspiracy. These Chineses, under the leader of the so-called Mao Zedong, attacked Miss Spume for one brief, but fatal, moment and destroyed her. Just when they are ready to attack, anywhere free men waver in their defense of democracy. [an American ship appears] Yes! Once again - American Defense proves its effectiveness against international communism. [picture of tooth in gum] Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country, we can see how international communism starts by eroding from within. [the tooth appears dirty and plaque-filled and breaks; picture of mouth] When one country, or tooth, falls to international communism [one tooth turns yellow and falls out of the mouth], its neighbours soon follow. [all of the teeth fall] In dentistry, this is kno

It's the Arts

Announcer: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of IT'S THE ARTS. And we kick off this evening with the cinema. Interviewer: One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight. Sir Edward: Good evening. Interviewer: So Edward...you don't mind if I call you Edward? Sir Edward: No not all. Interviewer: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why-but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions. Sir Edward: No, that's fine. Interviewer: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up. Sir Edward: No, no, please. Edward it is. Interviewer: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er... Sir Edward: Yes, quite. Interviewer: Makes it rather d

The Funniest Joke in the World

This man is Ernest Scribbler, writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world, and, as a consequence, he will die laughing. [Scribbler cackles to death] It was obvious that this joke was lethal. No one could read it and live. [Scribbler's mother enters the room and finds the joke] Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment, entered the room, and found what was, apparently, a suicide note.

The Funniest Joke in the World

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gesputt!

The Funniest Joke in the World

It was a fantastic success. Over eighty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke, [cutstock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit'], which was used in Munich, and one which Hitler couldn't match.

The Funniest Joke in the World

Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose! Young Soldier: [subtitle] How does it smell? Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!

The Killer Cars

[referring to the previous sketch] I would like to apologize for the rather poor taste of the previous item. [a nude girl appears, she is small in size] Um...excuse me, please. [chases the woman]

The Killer Cars

Narrator 1: Yes, the killer cars. For years, the city had been plagued by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion. In an attempt to eliminate this problem, certain fanatical cars... [a car jumps on and crushes a civilian[ had taken the law into their own hands. [two more cars kill two civilians] But the days of the killer cars were numbered...thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation. Man: Oh, thank you, thank you! You've saved our city! Narrator 1: But, at what cost? Narrator 2: Just then, as it looked for certain that the city was about to be eaten... the earth trembled, and the sun was blotted out from the sky. Audience: Cor! Hoh...cripes! Narrator 2: Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air... Audience: Oooohh... Narrator 2: And three hundred million armoured horsemen, covered with coats of a thousand different colours appeared at every street corner attacking the monster cat in a scene of such spectacular proportions that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film

Dead Parrot

Customer: Hello, I wish to register a complaint. Hello, Miss? Shop Assistant: What do you mean Miss? Customer: Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. Shop Assistant: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. Customer: Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Shop Assistant: Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it? Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, it's dead, that's what's wrong with it. Shop Assistant: No, no, it's resting, look. Customer: Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now. Shop Assistant: No, no, it's not dead, it's resting... Customer: Resting?! Shop Assistant: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit? Customer: The plumage don't enter into it, it's stone dead. Shop Assistant: No, no, it's resting. Customer: Alright then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. "Halloo Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish f

The Lumberjack Song

Shopkeeper: Yes, a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as I float down the shores of British Columbia! The larch, the giant redwood! Customer: [offscreen] What about my bloody parrot? Shopkeeper: The smell of fresh-cut timber, the crash of mighty trees, with my best girl by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing! Mounties: [singing] Shopkeeper: [singing] Mounties: [singing] Shopkeeper: [singing] Mounties: [singing] Shopkeeper: [singing] Mounties: [singing] Shopkeeper: [singing] I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa! Girlfriend: [crying] Oh, Beavis! And I thought you were so butched! [leaves] Announcer: And now for something completely different.

Vocational Guidance Counselor

Man 1: [singing] Vocational guidance counselor Man 2: [singing] Vocational guidance counselor Man 3: [singing] Vocational guidance counselor